Rhetorical – Husband said if I went to gym x2 evenings a week and left him with our kid; he would do the same out of principle?

[samanthaoritzz]

Had a rhetorical q with my husband last night - I asked if we had a child he would be fine with me going gym twice a week and leaving him at home with our kid. I work from home, and he gets home around 6pm.
He said if I went twice a week - he would go twice a week out of principle and leave me with the child twice a week lmao? how petty is that logic... getting out the house if you have been at home with a child all day I am sure is good for your mental health.... he is seeing it as a personal insult that I am taking advtanage throwing the kid at him as soon as he gets through the door?
Then I made a joke and said you would be too tired to go gym x2 a week anyway (as he is on his feet all day) and he laughed and said well I will keep tallies and build up days/nights to have on my own the same amount you go gym - wtf??

Odd!

Well at least you know hell will freeze over before he pulls his weight with your future child.

I kind of see his point to be honest. You see it reversed so many times, with fathers taking lots of time to pursue their interests, leaving the child(ren) with their wives/partners who then get very resentful that they don't get a break.

My DH and I have always ensured we both have (broadly) equal time available to do our thing.

Do. Not. Have. A. Child. With. This. Man!

you’ve been warned, you’re lucky you have seen exactly what his views are on sharing the load before you have a child with him. Listen to what he’s telling you and believe every word.

well at least now you know that children are 100% your responsibility.

Exactly how long are you planning to be in the gym? Assuming you pick one nearby, run there, shower back home, you can be back and ready just as he takes supper out of the oven - no evening lost there! Maybe you could do the same for him

Having a broadly equal amount of free time is a good idea, although going out just for the sake of it/recording every minute so it's exactly fair is not a good place to be in.

Is he petty generally?

I can see his point? You should have equal amount of child free time. Being at work and being at home with a kid doesn’t have to be a competition to which is hardest. DH and I are very mindful to make sure we both have time to do our own thing

When do you finish work during the week? Ie how much time are you looking after your child, and he’s not there?

Cos if you finish at eg 5pm every day, you’re looking after your child “for him” for an hour each day before he gets back.

Btw you may not feel like going to the gym but the same would apply if you went out with a friend or wanted to pop to the shops without the baby. He’ll be tallying up the hours and making sure he gets equal time, not relishing the opportunity to spend time with his kids, doing bedtimes being a responsible parent.

I think that seems fair enough on paper but it's sad he doesn't want to spend time with you. One of the reasons I didn't have a kid is that my husband and I like to do things like go to the gym together. Sure we could swap it or but then we'd lose touch with each other. (But I do think you should have equal exercise time regardless of anything else)

Don't have a child with him.

I think as a general principle making sure both parents have equal amounts of free time is a healthy one, though it can sometimes be hard to compare time spent doing childcare to time at work as the stresses are different. Each parent should be spending some time with their kids to bulld a relationship, plus in the early years childcare is so intense that a break is necessary.

But this seems more like seeing free time as a tit for tat. I would avoid having children with someone who doesn't seem to want to parent them or have a grown up conversation about how to share the load.

It should be equal.

When a bloke has a hobby people are overwhelmingly told on here to ensure they get the same time to themselves…

@NuffSaidSam Yes he is petty in general - most partners I have been with would understand and empathise being at home all day with a newborn would be grusome (and/or working from home) never really been used to the throwing it back in your face mentality. I do appreciate though some people have phsyical demanding jobs

Are you both going to work PT when you have a child as well? Just to be fair. And will he do half the sick days, half the children's parties, half the buying of cards and presents for the parties, half the doctor's appointments or hospital stays, half the clothes buying, toy buying, cleaning up vomit and shit and wee, half the bedtimes and bathtimes, half the playdates, half the nativity plays, half of everything. Because that would be fair.

And you can't WFH with a baby, they will need to be in some kind of childcare so you won't have been home all day with the baby.

Lovely. At least you now know never to have children with this man, for he will not pull his weight, will point score, and sees all kid care as a ‘woman job’. What a disappointing man.

In this hypothetical situation, would you have been WFH all day, with child in childcare, or at home doing the childcare yourself?

it makes a difference.

Hmm I’m kind of with him tbh. We don’t keep a tally but we do make sure each has time off to do our own thing. If he’s at work all day I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to go to the gym a couple of times a week. Free time away from work and childcare should be roughly equal for both of you.

It's good for the parents and baby to have time away, but keeping tabs is just plain odd behaviour and smacks of him being very emotionally unintelligent.

Does he do exactly 50% of all household chores, mental load now? How would he feel if you did similar to him?

EDIT HE NOW SAID ITS INTERESTING THAT WHY ISN'T HIS MENTAL HEALTH IMPORTANT… THATS not what I was saying but him being at work and socialising is surely better for mental health… sigh

In this situation predominately meant if I was a SAHM. Currently I work from home.

@WoodBurningStov hs would then just say am I going to pay 50% of bills even if I was a SAHM

If hes going out for the sake of it to make it equal, that's really petty.
Can we assume then that childcare will be absolutely equal on a daily basis?
I bet not!

Don't have a baby with him if thats his attitude. Seen it so often. The big man going out to work to earn the money and thinks he then doesn't have to pitch in with the out of work hours childcare. And I bet he'll call it babysitting too if he does.

Is he also the sort to be the first to moan when you 'let yourself go' or stop 'making an effort' or 'taking too long to lose the baby weight' and other shite they trot out when their wives get zero time for any self care with a newborn.

If hes going to be that petty, tell him well you'll be carrying and growing the baby for 9 months, while his life is affected in no way whatsoever, so I reckon you've banked a fair few hours there........