Rhetorical – Husband said if I went to gym x2 evenings a week and left him with our kid; he would do the same out of principle?

[samanthaoritzz]

Had a rhetorical q with my husband last night - I asked if we had a child he would be fine with me going gym twice a week and leaving him at home with our kid. I work from home, and he gets home around 6pm.
He said if I went twice a week - he would go twice a week out of principle and leave me with the child twice a week lmao? how petty is that logic... getting out the house if you have been at home with a child all day I am sure is good for your mental health.... he is seeing it as a personal insult that I am taking advtanage throwing the kid at him as soon as he gets through the door?
Then I made a joke and said you would be too tired to go gym x2 a week anyway (as he is on his feet all day) and he laughed and said well I will keep tallies and build up days/nights to have on my own the same amount you go gym - wtf??

Meh.

if your competing to this level already over a hypothetical child I wouldn’t have one together.

being out at work or being sahm - one is not more difficult than the other, it’s just different, different people, different priorities throughout the day, different stressors. Free time regardless of what you do during day is important

Equal free time is important so I see his point. If he were going out all the time and you didn't get any free time people would rightfully call him out on it.

BUT!

His point scoring and pettiness over it is pretty off putting. You've had a bite of cake so I must have one too! You took 10 minutes to have a shit well I'm having exactly 10 minutes to the second for mine!

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you have equal child free leisure time.

After your recent replies I do hope you're not going to have any children with him. He thinks he holds all the cards because he will work and you will be a sahp. Nope, nada there's no way on this earth I'd have children with a man like him

Seems fair enough. But a bit petty to imply he'd go out the same amount of time as you just out of principle, as though he would even if he didn't want to! If he'd just said "as long as you don't mind me doing the same" then it would have come across better.

What a shame you didn't have this conversation before you married him.

I would make darn sure I didn’t have a child with this guy

You should broadly both have the same equal free time, whether you're working or staying at home with the kids. You should both pull your weight equally with house/kids when you're both home. It's not complex.

Great so he will do 50% of night wake ups, still going to work the next day and half of days off to cover child absence from nursery?

@Timeforachocolate as I mentioned he will just throw in my face if he is doing half of all childcare and chores I should pay half the bills

Placemarking solely to hear OP's explanation of why demanding equal free time is a privilege afforded only to women.

Please don’t have a baby while this is how the two of you communicate. It’s incredibly immature and unproductive on both sides.

As you’ll know unless you just joined MN, his logic is exactly the same as offered to a woman when a man wants to go to the gym/do a hobby/have childfree time.

I think even considering how much time you’ll each want away from a potential child before ttc shows you’re not remotely ready.

Do not have a child with this man unless you want to resent him. He is showing you exactly the dad/partner he’s going to be. What an arsehole!

I would leave. Good luck.

Not just the op. Half the thread it seems

It's not that some don't want him to have the same free time. It's his attitude that stinks.

In theory, yes. As long as both parents pull their weight equally with the dc when they are both at home together. In practice, it appears from many threads on here that it rarely happens like that.

@mrsdineen2 its not only for women. It’s for both. My point is the pettiness, oh you get an hour at the gym without the baby so I’m going to make sure I disappear for an hour the following night so you know how it feels? That doesn’t strike me as a team, a supportive unit working together to build a life.
going by your logic in your comment, equal free time, isn’t his 9 hour days at work free time without a child? Does that mean I’m allowed the following day 9 hours free time, and go into the office instead of WFH lol. It’s stupid mentality IMO. You’re meant to support, a new mum, a new country (yes a part I left out) I think the gym should be encouraged. After all you want the mother of your child to be in the best mental capacity to be a good mum to your child, right?

Forget the hypotheticals op because it all goes out of the window when a mewling vulnerable dot of you turns up. Ultimately now you’re fire-armed and fore-warned that he’s a petty cunt lacking in empathy or care for you, what are you going to do about it? LTB is looking a good option at this point.

You dont seem to like each other.

Imo equal gym attendance is fine. Everyone should get a break

Op, have you offered to go out to work while he's a stay at home dad, do 50% of night wakings, 50% of the household chores, and rush home from work to let him go out the the gym more often than you? Without ever mentioning the bills you pay?

@JanewaysBun i agree I would honestly be totally fine if he went to the gym the same amount as the gym is for health reasons . But my concern is I said I’m sure you will be too tired to the gym, and he replies well he will keep score and use it for time with friends as they are for “health reasons too” ? Like come on … @Screamingabdabz @BigPussyEnergy @BirthdayRainbow

He sounds a bit like my ex. Nice guy in many ways but overly obsessed with things being precisely fair. It was odd. For me fairness is about each considering the other and things balancing over time, not having to make everything precisely the same, that seems more like a young child's concept of fairness.

I found it difficult. And I think it doesn't work well if both people don't take that mindset. If person A says "can I have X", and B says "yes sure", thinking it will balance out over time... but then when B asks for something, A says "okay as long as i get something in return"... it's draining. B can't get fairness without having to start using the same approach as A.

We never had kids together so I can't comment on how that would have turned out.

A 9 hour working day is not “free time”!
ffs

It’s very telling that in a hypothetical situation he has informed you his intention is to be adversarial.

Surely this isn’t the first time you’ve seen this petty point scoring behaviour from him?