Help deciding if I was wrong, and how do I move on?

[whattododoido]

Hi, so basically I was with a guy for 5 years. It was a rollercoaster. He had a cocaine addiction. He’d cheated on all his exes with prostitutes so there was always a trust issue there. He often used to not come home to me. He worked in hospitality, so would drink after work. He wouldn’t tell me he was staying out, I’d find out when I’d wake at 3am and he wasn’t in bed. I’d phone/text him but he wouldn't answer. I wouldn’t hear anything until the next early evening. He would be blase and say sorry once. If I’d hear from him, sometimes because I’d be angry he wouldn’t face me again for days, a few times it was a couple of weeks and he would say it was over. It caused issues. I would get upset, shout at him. He would back away and give me the silent treatment, was I wrong to want more of an apology? Or be so angry?
in the 5 years I had a lot of excuses, let downs, date nights, including a wedding being cancelled. We finished for a few months because he stayed out again, then we got back a few months later. I have a wedding dress at my mums.
the last time he didn’t come home he messaged me early the next morning, he was sorry and said he couldn’t lose me, he’d give up drinking, but I said I’d had enough. I could mentally take anymore. When I calmed down the next day I regretted it. I didn’t want it over, I just wanted him to stop treating me this way. But then he didn’t want to get back together. He seemed annoyed at me. in the 5 years I’d only twice asked him not to come home. Once he was drunk, wet the bed and was a complete arsehole. The other I suddenly contracted an sti when I’d been faithful for 5 years. He denied it. The doctor said it can lay dormant so not to ruin a really over it.
I’m just wondering if I could’ve done more. If I overreacted to him not coming home etc. how would you ladies react if your partner had done this to you, at least once a month for 5 years. I’m beating myself up for ending it that day. And not asking him to come home first to talk. My head is all over the place and would be good to know how you would’ve reacted in these situations. X

I simply cannot imagine wanting to be in a relationship with a man like that. He has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and you are well rid of him.

Ending it was the best thing you could have done for yourself, and him ending it was the only good thing he's done for you too.

you should not have put up with this guy for 5 weeks let alone 5 years!

block and delete his number, never let him back into your life. have some therapy to work on your self esteem.

why would you think you deserve a drug addicted, unfaithful, prostitute using dick head? why would you want to marry him and allow him to potentially be the father of your children?

ps I'm willing to bet ALL my money that this idiot cheated on you
multiple times

I would have reacted by dumping him as soon as I found out he was a druggie.

Did he bring anything positive to your life?

Oh you could not have done more. Read the first 4 sentences of your post - you should have left then! You gave him too much of your time and energy. This his his pattern of behaviour. Only he can change it.

Go and have a happier life without that disrespectful arse.

Five years. Bloody hell. He isn't going to change.

Keep him ditched.

He was never just out drinking.
You were a bit of a mug to put up with this for so long. Count your blessings you're out of it.
There's literally nothing you could have done to make this the relationship you want and deserve. It's not your fault. But please don't go back for another try.
Spend some time by yourself and then have a relationship with someone who treats you with love and respect.

Were you happy in the relationship?

Thank you for all your replies. It means a lot to read these.
I know I must’ve been a mug. Every time he wouldn’t come home I’d break my heart and he would swear on his son’s life that he had t cheated on me. I suppose I didn’t want to believe it.
I was happy at times. He was a fun person. And could have a sensitive side. He was very deep and put a lot down to his upbringing in a pub life and losing his dad tragically at 19. His addictions started after that.
I tried to help him deal with things and found him counsellors but he would never stick to it.
but he was also selfish. Nothing was really ever about me. He didn’t care about letting our plans down. Yet he would never let his son down. Not that I begrudge that, I was glad. But it made me realise he was capable of not letting someone he cared about down.

@Watchkeys I was happy. When he was going through his bouts of not going on his binge and coming home. I would live on my nerves a bit wondering if he was
speaking the truth etc. but he did make me happy or I wouldn’t have stayed so long. I just wanted him to change his bad ways.

@Bananalanacake he did to start. And throughout the relationship I was happy when he wasn’t letting me down. I was close to his son who I miss.

how would you ladies react if your partner had done this to you

I would have broken it off years ago. After a few times it would be clear he did what he wanted, when he wanted and didn't give a shit about my feelings. I don't stand for being treated that way.

Jeez OP.

Just be glad that this is over at last.

You put up with a lot, for far too long.

A lying ,cheating ,drug-using alcoholic, who disgustingly wet your bed and gave you an STI. What's not to love?
This is not about what you could have done, you can't change people. It's more about why you have so little self esteem that you would put up with shit for 5 years. Instead of getting him counselling, you should have been having therapy yourself.
There is no good outcome with a man like this. Leopards do not change their spots. Even if he gave up the drink and drugs, he would still be a disrespectful loser who clearly does not care about you. You know this.

Could you have done more??? I think you've done way more than enough!

@DelphiniumBlue thank you for your honestly, I am starting therapy next week. I want to know why I’ve put up with it for so long. And why I’m still feeling so hurt by it. When I should like all my friends and family do, hate him.

This ^

Don’t give your dreadful “relationship” with that a-hole another thought!
Burn the wedding dress! 🔥🔥

So you regularly weren't happy, basically?

A healthy relationship doesn't have 'bad ways' in it that need overlooking or changing. If someone has 'bad ways' you'd like them to change, you tell them. If they don't change them, you leave the relationship.

Follow that protocol and you won't have any more bad relationships.

I would have no regrets about walking away from a man like this. I wouldn't have spent five years of my life allowing him to treat me this way either.

@Watchkeys i definitely hung on too long. I was scared of losing him. And every time he would ignore me etc I used to beg him to come back. Ashamedly now. Thank you for the advice.

@BodyKeepingScore i definitely feel I’ve wasted 5 years ☹️

The only thing you should have done was left earlier.

I would have been out the door the minute I found out about the cocaine. Move on and have nothing more to do with the addict. You are worth more than that.