Help deciding if I was wrong, and how do I move on?

[whattododoido]

Hi, so basically I was with a guy for 5 years. It was a rollercoaster. He had a cocaine addiction. He’d cheated on all his exes with prostitutes so there was always a trust issue there. He often used to not come home to me. He worked in hospitality, so would drink after work. He wouldn’t tell me he was staying out, I’d find out when I’d wake at 3am and he wasn’t in bed. I’d phone/text him but he wouldn't answer. I wouldn’t hear anything until the next early evening. He would be blase and say sorry once. If I’d hear from him, sometimes because I’d be angry he wouldn’t face me again for days, a few times it was a couple of weeks and he would say it was over. It caused issues. I would get upset, shout at him. He would back away and give me the silent treatment, was I wrong to want more of an apology? Or be so angry?
in the 5 years I had a lot of excuses, let downs, date nights, including a wedding being cancelled. We finished for a few months because he stayed out again, then we got back a few months later. I have a wedding dress at my mums.
the last time he didn’t come home he messaged me early the next morning, he was sorry and said he couldn’t lose me, he’d give up drinking, but I said I’d had enough. I could mentally take anymore. When I calmed down the next day I regretted it. I didn’t want it over, I just wanted him to stop treating me this way. But then he didn’t want to get back together. He seemed annoyed at me. in the 5 years I’d only twice asked him not to come home. Once he was drunk, wet the bed and was a complete arsehole. The other I suddenly contracted an sti when I’d been faithful for 5 years. He denied it. The doctor said it can lay dormant so not to ruin a really over it.
I’m just wondering if I could’ve done more. If I overreacted to him not coming home etc. how would you ladies react if your partner had done this to you, at least once a month for 5 years. I’m beating myself up for ending it that day. And not asking him to come home first to talk. My head is all over the place and would be good to know how you would’ve reacted in these situations. X

@therealcookiemonster thank you.

in the 5 years I had a lot of excuses, let downs, date nights, including a wedding being cancelled. We finished for a few months because he stayed out again

This is what he's like, and you know this because these are your words.

This is what he's like.

You need to find out why you are mistaking this shabby, careless, heartless, dismissive treatment for love.

would be good to know how you would’ve reacted in these situations.

He had a cocaine addiction. He’d cheated on all his exes with prostitutes

He would not have got a single date with me once I was aware of this. I would have walked away from him once I heard this.

I would now be singing every day that this utter waste of skin was not in my life.

You’re hanging on to those tiny little times of happiness and what could have been when the rest of it was an utter shit show.

Normal relationships should soothe the nerves not be a roller coaster.

Do some self work on yourself to see why you don’t think your worth better

If it was herpes he gave you, I could have written your post.

And we ended the EXACT same way! Just a few weeks ago. Weird!

What I didn’t mention is he worked at his family pub/restaurant/hotel. It’s a country type place. He’d drink there after work and most of the time stay there. Does this alter your opinions on him I’m staying out? And should I have been more forgiving for this reason?

No, of course not! You shouldn't have been forgiving at all. About any of it. At any point! You need to ask yourself why you were willing to overlook all these massive red flags. Why you ever even considered staying with a man who behaved this way. Why you didn't dump him the minute you found out about the drugs and prostitutes. Why you still seem to think that maybe you could have fixed him. If you don't address all of this, you risk becoming entangled with another disastrous loser like this one.

Most difficult partners are complex. They have both nice and bad parts to their personalities. Just because they are sometimes nice it doesn’t mean they love you or can be saved if only you would try harder. Even bad people want to think of themselves as basically decent people and they know they have to sometimes act nice to keep the people who rescue them around them.

But as they say, the best prediction of future behaviour is past behaviour, which he’s had in spades.

Only he alone can change himself and you must step away from him to give him his best chance of doing that (although he probably won’t given the drug addiction and time elapse).
I think that relationships actually cripple and hobble those with unaddressed issues because of codependency factors. They are better off doing the work while on their own.

Its a thing that nobody really understands until they have lived it themselves. It changes the way your brain works hence the trauma and trouble letting go. Ive been told on here i must like the drama. I dont. I have been lied to and abused by a man very good at lying.

Yes the other side is what our heads want to believe is real. Hes a great cook. Hes also real funny at times. He is talented. Gardening and groundswork hes great at. We both enjoy the same films and he was attractive when we met. Hes got good fashion sense. Hes travelled alot and was in a well paid job. He also has shown emotions and feelings sbout his depression and struggles which has ofcourse felt like intimacy and closness. We love music and we love a takeaway and a good crime drama. At times hes been my best friend. Weve also had a great sex life in the past.

I know exactly where your head is at. You need to trust your gut instinct with it all though and get out of that habbit of is it me.

For example.... my bf takes his phone into the kitchen. He keeps over explaining hes checking the football scores but i can see hes typing not scrolling. I see him flick things off his screen and then he sits back down. I hear his phone buzz twice 10 mins later. My brains telling me hes lying to me. Hes messaging someone. Is it drugs. Is it a woman? Because he wasnt checking football. Eventually i look on his phone. Hes got tabs open on zoosk. He notices im sad and not myself. I eventually ask him why hes on zoosk. He gets mad because A: he says hes not on zoosk. B: im snooping and how dare i. We end up arguing. I desperately want answers. He gives me the silent treatment for at least a day. When he finally replies he tells me im accusing him of stuff and making him stressed. Im paranoid. Hes got nothing to hide bla bla bla. Out of exhaustion i csnt find a way to argue it. The cycle repeats.

Thats how it works. Thats why we get stuck.

@Sandcastles5 that’s it, no one gets it until your in it and it’s a situation you never think you’ll be in. Never think you’d be dull enough to put up with etc. but once feelings and emotions are involved it’s a different story.
and I guess the manipulation. They convince you it’s you not them. I’ve been the one saying sorry for things he’s done, because when I’ve been angry he’s turned it around to feel like I’m in the wrong. By ignoring me etc I’m begging him to sort us out and not wanting to argue or be hostile, wanting an easy life and getting everything back on track feels better and happier than being ignored. Not sure if you’ve done this too. It’s definitely not the drama we like, far from it. But the love takes over. And it’s hard to forget the good times and memories. As bad as the bad times have been it’s not them I think about when I’m alone.
sorry to hear about him on zoosk. I haven’t caught mine on dating sites but I did catch him with an app called viber. I’d never heard of it, it’s like WhatsApp. He said he had it for work. Which I didn’t believe. Maybe it was for drugs or prostitutes. But like you, he would say he didn’t use it and I’m crazy. Giving the silent treatment must be a tactic they use to make us feel guilt. And to stop having a go at them.

No one is bad all the time. Not even narcissists, not even psychopaths. Even Hitler loved animals and was occasionally kind to some of the people in his life. Not being bad all the time means absolutely nothing.

Flip-side, being good some of the time is also useless. Just because a guy occasionally does nice things - maybe brings you coffee in bed and hugs you when you're feeling down - doesn't erase or excuse cheating, drug use, emotional abuse etc.

This guy’s like an Argos catalogue of shit things a partner does.

You've been weakened by this creature.

Everything is low value including yourself.

You need to walk away from this awful person. There is nothing good about him. The tiny pieces that you think are good are fake.

Don't worry about missing out with him and all your hard work. He won't change. All you've shown to him is that you're a glutton for his punishment.

Please find other interests.

Are you serious?

You are well rid of him

@BadLad love this 😂

@SnowFrogJelly thank you 🙏

@BlastedPimples I have been weakened by him. I feel like I’ll never meet someone like him again (his good points), thought he was the love of my life.

I sincerely hope you will indeed never meet someone like him in your life. He sounds horrific.

🤣

I got as far as "cocaine addiction". That's all I need to know.

No, you weren't wrong.

You feel like this now because it's so fresh and raw, you need to give yourself time to adjust to being single and enjoying your free time. Enjoy the fact you no longer have to worry about what he's doing! It's a weight off your shoulders.
I can tell you now from personal experience, you WILL meet someone else and they will be even better than he ever could be! They will treat you with respect, make you feel loved and they won't have a drug addiction.

@alovelynight thank you so much 🥹

Sounds familiar. I think that when you're effectively in the eye of the storm you don't realise what's going on, even though those around you usually can. My ex was similar, minus the cocaine. I don't know if I was too trusting, too naïve, or in complete denial, but whenever she stayed out all night I always just believed her stories - like she'd got too drunk to get home and crashed on a friend's sofa. She got more and more brazen with her antics and even when challenged and finally, undeniably caught out she managed to do a good darvo on me. When I eventually saw through it I realised that was her MO and all those times she never came home she was sleeping with other people. Took me 12 years and 3 dc to realise it (even had to dna test our youngest).

I think I'm usually a good judge of character, can spot fake people a mile off, but I got sucked in good and proper. It's surprising how people like this are master manipulators and how easy it is to fall for them. Don't blame yourself, and now you see what he's really like don't look back or feel guilty. Consider it a learning experience - something you can take forward to make sure you never fall for a loser like that again.

OP you thought you would be the one to fix him. The one who saw the good man that noone else had seen. That you could nurture the good him.

You can’t. He’s horrible. Drug addicted, alcohol dependent, prostitute using piece of crap.

He gave you that STI. You absolutely know this. If you didn’t already, get tested for them all, especially if you slept with him again afterwards. You’re lucky you only got this one.

Not one person on here is going to suggest you’ve done the wrong thing to move on. OP you miss a fantasy idea you had about him. The reality was an absolute horror show. See it that you’ve learned a lot in these 5y. But don’t waste 5 more mins thinking about your decision.

Surround yourself with good friends and family. Have fun. Celebrate being free of him and all his issues. Maybe get some counselling.

💐

I don't understand why you would even want to be with someone who does cocaine, cheated on past partners, and has paid for prostitutes.

He's also done nothing but treat you horribly on top of it all.

You have set your relationship bar very low and you deserve so much more than that. You deserve to be happy even if that means being happy alone and not in a relationship.

I would gently recommend some personal counseling to try and understand why you would have allowed yourself to enter into and then stay in a relationship for 5 years, with a man like this...and how to avoid this type of relationship going forward.

Don't try to get back together with him. It will be a mistake.

@cheshirebloke sorry to hear what you went through. It’s a difficult position to be in isn’t it. I know if a friend was telling me their partner was this way I’d tell them to leave and think they were mad. But when you know the other side of them, it’s hard to let go and give up on that. I just wanted him to sort himself out. Then I’d feel bad thinking oh well he’s not out, he’s only in his family pub. It’s a country pub so not as though it’s a wild bar. I thought that made it more acceptable. But I just wanted him to come home like my friend partners did. They have a good way of manipulating it. He’s so charming on the outside and people who know him and not about his past, wouldn’t have a clue what went on behind closed doors. If I met a guy like that now I wouldn’t go near him, so I’ve learnt a lesson. Just regret being taking in by him in the beginning when I found out. Thank you for your words.