Help deciding if I was wrong, and how do I move on?

[whattododoido]

Hi, so basically I was with a guy for 5 years. It was a rollercoaster. He had a cocaine addiction. He’d cheated on all his exes with prostitutes so there was always a trust issue there. He often used to not come home to me. He worked in hospitality, so would drink after work. He wouldn’t tell me he was staying out, I’d find out when I’d wake at 3am and he wasn’t in bed. I’d phone/text him but he wouldn't answer. I wouldn’t hear anything until the next early evening. He would be blase and say sorry once. If I’d hear from him, sometimes because I’d be angry he wouldn’t face me again for days, a few times it was a couple of weeks and he would say it was over. It caused issues. I would get upset, shout at him. He would back away and give me the silent treatment, was I wrong to want more of an apology? Or be so angry?
in the 5 years I had a lot of excuses, let downs, date nights, including a wedding being cancelled. We finished for a few months because he stayed out again, then we got back a few months later. I have a wedding dress at my mums.
the last time he didn’t come home he messaged me early the next morning, he was sorry and said he couldn’t lose me, he’d give up drinking, but I said I’d had enough. I could mentally take anymore. When I calmed down the next day I regretted it. I didn’t want it over, I just wanted him to stop treating me this way. But then he didn’t want to get back together. He seemed annoyed at me. in the 5 years I’d only twice asked him not to come home. Once he was drunk, wet the bed and was a complete arsehole. The other I suddenly contracted an sti when I’d been faithful for 5 years. He denied it. The doctor said it can lay dormant so not to ruin a really over it.
I’m just wondering if I could’ve done more. If I overreacted to him not coming home etc. how would you ladies react if your partner had done this to you, at least once a month for 5 years. I’m beating myself up for ending it that day. And not asking him to come home first to talk. My head is all over the place and would be good to know how you would’ve reacted in these situations. X

I don't understand how the relationship ever got past you finding out this He’d cheated on all his exes with prostitutes

You're well rid OP, you need to reframe your thinking from "How could I have kept him" to "Why didn't I get rid of him sooner?"

@Bobbotgegrinch I know how it must seem, and I could kick myself now. I didn’t know in the beginning then I got told about his habit and past, when I confronted him he cried and told me he had changed, grown up, and would never do it to me, he didn’t love them etc. he is charming, he’s the sort of you met him you’d never think he came with these issues.

I used to beg him to come back. Ashamedly now

Can you validate yourself, rather than being ashamed? Do you understand much about (self) validation?

You’ve just described the most disgusting, absolute bottom-feeder of a person.

I’m really glad for you that you’re no longer with him. Absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. Forgive yourself for the whole thing, and be really pleased that you will 100% have a better happier life without a scum bag like this anywhere near you!

Obviously relationships are complicated and we don’t know the full context etc, so don’t beat yourself up that you got back together multiple times or keep going over whether you could have done more etc.

Ultimately when it ends up in the Hokey Cokey Of on again off again it unravels the foundation and trust.

Move on OP, you’ll be fine.

@Bettedaviseyes111 thank you so much.

@TheCultureHusks thank you so much.

@Watchkeys no not really. I always thought he was too good for me. Was lucky to have him. Terrified of losing him and him being happy with someone else.

"Sometimes in order to grow we must remove parts of ourselves to become truly great even though it hurts"

From a nice girl who got herself involved with the "bad boy" who does drugs and lies about it.

Today after another round of his drama i quit. No more now.

This isnt going to change.

Dating apps-
Cheating
Addiction
Lying
Punishing you.
Exes that went through it too.

Come on you know its not you.

So, you thought you were lucky to have a relationship with someone who binged alcohol, was addicted to cocaine, who you didn't trust due to his history, and who let you down over and over, including regarding getting married?

Why did you feel lucky? Where did you learn that this sort of relationship was something to feel lucky about? What stops you thinking that you'd be lucky to have a man with whom you felt consistently good, who did what he said he was going to do, and who you believed?

Sometimes in order to grow we must remove parts of ourselves to become truly great even though it hurts

Sometimes in order to grow we must validate parts of ourselves to become truly ourselves

Nothing needs removing. Nobody needs to become truly great. Such drama. Be yourself. Express your feelings. Leave if you feel bad and it isn't healthily dealt with. That's it.

It's really difficult for you right now because this has been your 'normal' for the last 5 years. You will realise in time that you are SO much better off without this man and you will meet someone who gives you everything you deserve - you will wonder what you were thinking spending so much time with him!
Treat it as a life lesson, he has shown you what you don't want in a partner and when you come to date again you know exactly what you're looking for.

By that i meant she needs to remove him. Hes part of her enotionally and whilat hes theres shes got a dark cloud following her. Trust me i know what its like to lie awake worried. To be ignored. To not know who and what they are involved with. To be lied to and taken for granted over and over again.

Eventually the respect goes and hope is gone and theres nothing left.

Dont get stuck on what it could be. That was just an idea that never would have happened.

@Sandcastles5 i think that’s the hard part. I’m thinking what it could’ve been, should’ve been. And he wasn’t bad all of the time. I keep thinking of the good and missing those parts of the relationship. And people you become close to that you lose too. I also worry that he will change and after all the hard work I’ve put in, I’ll have lost out of the improved him.

Believe me, he won't change.

@Watchkeys it’s the good times I miss. The nice him. He had a nice side believe it or not. And I worry that he will change and be that nice person all the time, then I’ll have missed out.

You lost me when you said he used prostitutes, that would be it. Pretty much cocaine too and both no way.

@alovelynight thats it, it was my normal. And I loved the nice side of him. I made excuses for his issues, felt sorry for him, tried to help and understand him and why he did these things. I’m feeling did I do enough. If I hadn’t been so angry with him, could it have changed. Not the cheating obviously. Where all his exes saw proof I didn’t. I know I had the sti, but the doctor told me it could’ve lay dormant. I’d rather that hadn’t been the case then I would’ve known but even that had put doubt there on my part, wondering did he cheat and give it to me or was unlucky and it lay dormant. Am I just being stupidly naively

But even if he turned into Mr Perfect, he'd still have a history of being Mr Vile. Your perfect guy doesn't have a history of being Mr Vile, does he? Why would that be your dream guy?

Was your dad like that?

@Watchkeys no you’re right. I’d never imagined I’d be in love with a drug addict or someone who went with prostitutes. I know it sounds silly but I guess it’s hard for me to connect him as the same person. He’s charming, got a nice side, good to his son, from a nice family. He has a lot of traits I’d go for and I fell in love with them before I knew about his other side. And I’ve never been around the coke and prostitutes. I think that’s what is struggle with. But I know if it was a friend telling me this about a guy I’d be saying the same as you. Hate that I find it so difficult.

I know i truly do. Ive left my crack head money stealing lying bf today. Im sad. But he has made every choice hes made. Nobody else. I came into his life with a young family. He knew what i was all about. He chose to do everything in a way that it went against our future. He asks me for money even when im away with my children. He chose drugs. He chose to sell his belongings until his flat was almost bare to get drugs. He chose my birthday wasnt important. I didnt need a card or a gift. I didnt need a treat. Hes texting me when im at work wanting money. Hes been on dating sites. Messaged exes. Lied about absoloutely everything. Everyone he communicates with is a thief, liat, dealer or user.

Ill say it. Its absoloutely embarrasing. Im embarassed. I dont wanna be seen with him.anymore. his cheeks are sinking in. His skin looks haggard. His teeth are discoloured. Hes skint. Cant afford to eat. Has no sex drive but googles women in stockings etc.

I love him with all my heart and soul and gave the relationship my all. He was a bottomless pit.

Youll be ok. We both will. Its trauma bonding. Its not easy to get away from. Thats why it exists. Its a long hard journey and i think you truly have to be so let down amd disapointed that life genuienly is better alone.

Ugh. He would have to morph into a completely different man, to be worth anyone's notice.

@Sandcastles5 oh my gosh, I am so sorry for you. Well done for leaving, sounds like you are being strong and stay that way. Even though they are this way, we’ve loved another side of them which is extremely hard and probably hard for others to understand. My friend was with a guy for years who was on heroin, he was a lovely person besides the drugs. But he stole off her. She stayed with him out of love and guilt. She finally found the strength to leave and now she’s happy with a new partner in a new house and they have a baby. While her ex has lost weight and is still doing the drugs. I used to think she was mad for staying in it, but now I’m the mad one. We don’t need money or to be spoilt but we also don’t need to be doling out money to men for their drug habits. I never had to do this with my ex but his mum had money so it was never an issue to him. It’s always on hand for him to spend on his habits. And always will be.

What I didn’t mention is he worked at his family pub/restaurant/hotel. It’s a country type place. He’d drink there after work and most of the time stay there. Does this alter your opinions on him I’m staying out? And should I have been more forgiving for this reason?

absolutely not

also just because he said he stayed there doesn't mean he did
and he could easily have brought prostitutes in as well so....
either way doesn't change the fact that he is a druggie and a selfish bastard who treated you awfully