Help deciding if I was wrong, and how do I move on?

[whattododoido]

Hi, so basically I was with a guy for 5 years. It was a rollercoaster. He had a cocaine addiction. He’d cheated on all his exes with prostitutes so there was always a trust issue there. He often used to not come home to me. He worked in hospitality, so would drink after work. He wouldn’t tell me he was staying out, I’d find out when I’d wake at 3am and he wasn’t in bed. I’d phone/text him but he wouldn't answer. I wouldn’t hear anything until the next early evening. He would be blase and say sorry once. If I’d hear from him, sometimes because I’d be angry he wouldn’t face me again for days, a few times it was a couple of weeks and he would say it was over. It caused issues. I would get upset, shout at him. He would back away and give me the silent treatment, was I wrong to want more of an apology? Or be so angry?
in the 5 years I had a lot of excuses, let downs, date nights, including a wedding being cancelled. We finished for a few months because he stayed out again, then we got back a few months later. I have a wedding dress at my mums.
the last time he didn’t come home he messaged me early the next morning, he was sorry and said he couldn’t lose me, he’d give up drinking, but I said I’d had enough. I could mentally take anymore. When I calmed down the next day I regretted it. I didn’t want it over, I just wanted him to stop treating me this way. But then he didn’t want to get back together. He seemed annoyed at me. in the 5 years I’d only twice asked him not to come home. Once he was drunk, wet the bed and was a complete arsehole. The other I suddenly contracted an sti when I’d been faithful for 5 years. He denied it. The doctor said it can lay dormant so not to ruin a really over it.
I’m just wondering if I could’ve done more. If I overreacted to him not coming home etc. how would you ladies react if your partner had done this to you, at least once a month for 5 years. I’m beating myself up for ending it that day. And not asking him to come home first to talk. My head is all over the place and would be good to know how you would’ve reacted in these situations. X

@Catoo that’s exactly it, I tried and wanted to help him. His family had said I’d humbled him. And thanked me for sticking by him. I thought given more time, I could help him more and he would just keep getting better and better. He thanked me for not giving up on him. But then threw it all back in my face.
I thought there was a good person in there deep down, the one I saw when he wasn’t doing his coke or letting me down. I loved that person but he couldn’t keep it up. So yes I guess it was re what could’ve been that I was in love with. And miss now, and worry because he had for better from when I first met him, that he will get better again. The drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, none of that is me or how I was raised. Thank you for your kind words and advice x

@Mom2K when I met him I had no idea, I fell for him, then I found out. I was disgusted. But he cried to me and promised me he’d changed, he’d outgrown it etc. he begged me to give him a chance and said he’d never do it for me. I believed him. Regret that now.
you’re right he has treated me badly. And I have set the bar low. I got manipulated by him, blamed myself. Thought I’d had a go at him when I shouldn’t have, overreacted to things he’d done, thought I was paranoid, insecure etc.
thank you for your kind words.

I tried and wanted to help him. His family had said I’d humbled him. And thanked me for sticking by him. I thought given more time, I could help him more and he would just keep getting better and better. He thanked me for not giving up on him. But then threw it all back in my face.

That is not what a relationship is 🤦🏻‍♀️

He had a cocaine addiction. He’d cheated on all his exes with prostitutes.

What was it about this man that attracted you to him?

@GreyCarpet he was funny, charming, handsome. Generous. I thought my future was with him. To me a relationship isn’t giving up on someone because they have flaws. I just can’t get over him. And I know his past is terrible. But to me it was his past. I know he didn’t treat me great in times but I out this down to his upbringing being different c having different views, he struggled to show him feelings and he had adhd. I just don’t know how to move on and stop feeling guilt. Could I have saved our relationship if I’d not been so angry that last day and when he asked to come home? if I’d agreed to see him to speak rather than be so angry and told him it was over?

A monthly occurance of this, should of resulted in the relationship lasting exactly no more than a month.
So, this is about you, and you do need to work out what's inside you that keeps you begging for change instead of rejecting what is put before you. Until you sort this out, and can stick to boundaries- not just have them, you enforce by leaving when one occurs - you should never consider dating or this will repeat itself.

Flaws? This person is seriously bad news

Op, please seek out therapy.

Stop trying to save other people. It's absolutely not your job to seek out the teeny tiny slivers of light in a man to justify your dreadful relationship with him.

Please invest in yourself. Become fascinated with yourself. Your personality. Your career. Your interests. Your future. Have therapy. Start planning.

Become utterly self obsessed at least for five years in order that you are always protected, always looking forward to a glowing and happy future.

And that you never ever ever fall for such a loser ever again.

Look for joy. No soul sucking swamps like this awful man.

@Opentooffers thank you. So you wouldn’t have tolerated this? I know his exes did too. They had driven around looking for him, had a tracker on his phone. One broke into his flat once. So I assumed all women would put up with it. They broke up when they found out he cheated.

@BlastedPimples thank you. I am having therapy next week. I need to know why I stayed so long. And put up with so much. I knew his exes did too so like I explained above I assumed all women would will
put up with it. Guess that’s why I was scared of losing him. I thought someone would are in and tolerate in. Maybe just shrug it off and not be angry at him the way I was. My mum used to say I’d push him away. And my brother used to say leave him do his thing.

Check out trauma bonding, OP.

@Littlestminnow i will, thank you so much.

A monthly occurance of this, should of resulted in the relationship lasting exactly no more than a month.
So, this is about you, and you do need to work out what's inside you that keeps you begging for change instead of rejecting what is put before you. Until you sort this out, and can stick to boundaries- not just have them, you enforce by leaving when one occurs - you should never consider dating or this will repeat itself.

100% this ^^

OP, women do not put up with this, neither should they. Obviously some do (you mentioned his exes) but that does not mean it is standard or healthy.

It seems to me like maybe he goes for a type - vulnerable women that get attached and have a difficult time setting healthy boundaries for themselves.

It is unfortunate that you did not know about his past when you first met him...but I personally would have ended the relationship the moment I found out about it (or before then if his poor treatment of me started and I didn't yet know about the past) as in my experience, people generally do not change, especially with those types of behaviors unless they have under gone rehab and intense therapy and really put the work in to change their lives because they wanted to change...and not because someone else was trying to impose it upon them.

And even then, I'd be unlikely to remain in the relationship because I'd be concerned of relapses and the impact it would have in the long run on my well being and that of any future children etc.

I think it's a little manipulative that he and his family thanked you for sticking by him/not giving up on him. That is not your job. No one can ever fix another person - they have to want to do it for themselves or it doesn't stick...and sometimes as I said, it doesn't stick even then.

So you need to abandon the mentality of clinging on to someone with major issues in the hope that you can help them. I would not feel guilty about the decisions you've made thus far...but you can make better ones going forward by getting some counseling to help your self esteem and get firmer boundaries for your own life so as not to repeat this pattern.

My mum used to say I’d push him away. And my brother used to say leave him do his thing.

I'm glad to hear you are starting therapy next week. Your family/upbringing sounds like it could be part of the problem in how you're conditioned to feel, and why you have tolerated mistreatment. Your mom and brother are wrong. His behaviour had nothing to do with you.

I would never say to my daughter what your mom and brother said to you. I'd have encouraged her stick up for herself and leave a bad boyfriend.

@Mom2K thank you so much for your perspective and advice.