Ex says he'll take me to court over relocation

[happyfrog1]

I broke up with my ex four years ago. It was a bad relationship, some coercive control, a lot of gaslighting, sexual coercion, although he would never see it like this or fully admit it. When we split, we informally agreed 50/50 share care of DS, who is now 10. I was pretty broken by the end of it, and perhaps if I'd felt stronger, I'd have sought legal advice or advocated for more custody - but I felt by then that the only thing ex cared about was our child and I had to let him have 50/50. Perhaps worth saying my ex left his first wife many years ago and two children who he doesn't have much to do with, so he sees our DS as his second chance.

Fast forward 4 years - ex lives 10 minutes away with his GF. We still do 50/50 though I do more - all the organising, admin. I'm with someone very kind and supportive who lives an hour away, and I would like to move in the end to be with him, before DS starts secondary school (15 months away). He has 3 children and complicated custody arrangements so moving to him seems like the best option. Not to mention the area is nicer / safer than where I live. I also live in a shared ownership property where the service charge is being hiked. It rose £300 a month last month, and long term it is not an option to stay there. I can't afford to buy outright in London - impossible as a single mother, even though I earn well. My ex, with no consultation with me, is retiring in October - he's ten years older than me. I feel this is negligent of our son's needs and puts the financial burden long term onto me.

I gently mentioned this possible move to my ex a few weeks ago, suggesting a reconfiguration of weekends (or most weekends) and school holidays with him, school time with me. It was all very tentative but he wasn't happy. He suggested that I move and he had full custody. We hadn't talked about it since, but yesterday when he came to collect DS, he said he would take me to court over it - while DS was in the other room, packing his bag. It was quite a shock.

I know DS needs are central to all this and I don't know how he would feel about moving. I know he likes my partner and his children. We've been away together and spent lots of time with each other. I hadn't asked DS because I wanted to get his dad on side. Now it seems like this won't happen, and I wonder if I should just forget it - accept I have to stay in London for the next 6/7 years. But mostly I feel triggered and very upset by my ex telling me what I can't / can't do again.

Does anyone have experience of court cases and relocation? I'm not sure I can face it.

If you were to try this, I think you would have to move a LOT more slowly. It is a massive change for your son, if he doesn't get along with your new man or his kids - then you risk him really hating you.

Could you work up to it more slowly, move to new mans but only have your child there every other weekend and his dad has the rest of the time ? It would give your son and the other children time to get used to the new situation more slowly.

She mentioned something about the ex not willing to help with tuition fees. I assumed she wanted him to attend a private school but perhaps she wants to pay for extra tuition?

If he's retired he should be able to drive down and do a school pick up and tea out once or twice a week easily mid week?

If someone suggested that instead of living with my dc I could drive an hour and take them out to tea a couple of times a week I’d…well I don’t know what I’d do but 100% wouldn’t be doing that. The OP can drive an hour and take her dc out for tea a couple of times a week instead.

Yanbu to be triggered by your ex but in this case I think he’s 100% doing the right thing.

As he gets older, he is going to want to spend the school holidays with friends and having to decline invitations to see his father is going to be crappy for your son- especially if he travels to your new area to see friends because dad is at work during the day. Your son will end up either resenting having to go to dad’s or going NC with him. My older children used to go EOW and they resented having to say no to stuff because of contact with dad. They sometimes didn’t go but they felt really guilty and later resentful.

Is your son taking the exams for the grammars in your partner’s area ? Would it take an hour by public transport or car from your current area?

You need to separate your relationship with your ex to your sons relationship with your ex.

you’ve mentioned all about him not treating you well which I totally sympathise with however that shouldn’t be used as a justification to move your son away from his father as there seems to be no issue with their relationship and the two are completely unrelated.

uprooting your son away from his other parent so you can peruse a relationship isn’t in his best interest.

I think that's pretty shitty and manipulative to be honest, 'building a case' by talking DS into siding with what she wants when it's not agreed - and it is what she wants, so she can be with her boyfriend, not really about the schools and rent, she'd want to move to DP's regardless as he refuses to move to hers. Would she be happy if her ex talked DS into living with him full-time so that he didn't have to live in that other man's house with those kids and leave all his friends behind etc etc. No, she'd think that was his coercive control and toxicity. The DC should be put first and not used as a pawn to get her way.

Your son won't want to spend every weekend somewhere else regardless of how much he loves his Dad. Once he's settled into secondary, he'll have sports clubs and mates to hang out with, go fishing with, bike rides etc. You can't just divvy up his life like that while you spend every weekend with your new partner (and co-parenting his children on alternate weekends??). By all means look to move somewhere cheaper but I can see his Dad's point of view.

You don’t have to answer of course but it may help for context to specify :

• How old are your DP’s children (and are they boys or girls (it doesn’t necessarily change the dynamics but it can realistically) ?

• How would you split finances (and is there a disparity, which can be a huge cause of resentment between the kids), and ensure your own security if it doesn’t work out blending, and also long term plans like paying for university

• What do you mean by ‘your DP has complicated custody agreements’ : how often does he actually have them all, is it a regular schedule etc ?

Tbh I agree with other posters that your DS’s social life will be hugely impacted by being away every (or most) weekends and holidays, he won’t be able to do anything at the weekends, the friends from your current place will likely drift away - or maybe become his closer friends as they’re the ones he can actually hang out with at the weekend and do weekend hobbies with also, which leads to the possibility of him choosing to return to live with his dad soon enough (other posters may confirm as mine is tiny but I think it’s around 12?).
Plus the other aspects PP have mentioned tbh.

The only positive seems to be the opportunity for grammar schools, and if I understood that part correctly), but there are so many downsides and risks…

Maybe ask on the step parenting boards, it’s quite active and you’ll hopefully get lots of perspectives.

( Sorry for the length ! )

How long have you been with the new partner?

I think your anxiety about a court case is because I think you know and it doesn't sound as if you've got the strongest case - and that's not your ex controlling things, its a court potentially agreeing with him about what's best for your child. Totally see your frustration but I can't see how blending a family in a new place just as the teenage hormones are kicking in, and starting big school (which can take a lovely compliant kid and throw them into a bit of turmoil anyway) - all a long way from his dad is going to be advantageous to your child, even if it is for you.

What is the current arrangement?
1 week with you, then 1 week with ex?

Surely if you share custody 50/50 then you can stay with your DP for half of the month that DS isn’t with you and on some weekends that you do have him.

Im not sure if you’ve thought about the implications of moving into a property with 3 DSC and blending the 2 families.

Sometimes it’s better to have your own homes and space to go back to.
Its different if he lived the other side of the country.

My DD didn’t want DP to move in as she liked it just being us, so I’ve had to respect that for 4 years… she will be going to uni so it won’t impact her as much but I had to put her needs above my own. He has 2 DC who he has Eow as they live an hour from him so he gets extra holidays. I had to consider the impact on my DD as his kids are under 10 and noisy she needs peace for study and would not have been ideal Eow for her to contend with that. I know it’s tough but I find it exhausting with his Dc sometimes though i love them and you are taking on 3 extra children! it’s a lot no matter how much love there is!

I think she meant for a tutor for the 11+ exam.

I'm 50/50 with my ex and stayed in the area local to my ex for my dc sake. They spend such a short period of time with us before spreading their wings, so a few more years is nothing op. I'd stay out for your dd sake and look to move when she's left for uni - got a job, can make her own decision.

As for money, why would your ex put the financial responsibility onto you when he retires? Everything should be 50/50

I don’t think you are putting your child first here. Divorce is much easier for kids where both parents live locally. Move when he is older.

Very selfish

Sorry zombie thread