Ex says he'll take me to court over relocation

[happyfrog1]

I broke up with my ex four years ago. It was a bad relationship, some coercive control, a lot of gaslighting, sexual coercion, although he would never see it like this or fully admit it. When we split, we informally agreed 50/50 share care of DS, who is now 10. I was pretty broken by the end of it, and perhaps if I'd felt stronger, I'd have sought legal advice or advocated for more custody - but I felt by then that the only thing ex cared about was our child and I had to let him have 50/50. Perhaps worth saying my ex left his first wife many years ago and two children who he doesn't have much to do with, so he sees our DS as his second chance.

Fast forward 4 years - ex lives 10 minutes away with his GF. We still do 50/50 though I do more - all the organising, admin. I'm with someone very kind and supportive who lives an hour away, and I would like to move in the end to be with him, before DS starts secondary school (15 months away). He has 3 children and complicated custody arrangements so moving to him seems like the best option. Not to mention the area is nicer / safer than where I live. I also live in a shared ownership property where the service charge is being hiked. It rose £300 a month last month, and long term it is not an option to stay there. I can't afford to buy outright in London - impossible as a single mother, even though I earn well. My ex, with no consultation with me, is retiring in October - he's ten years older than me. I feel this is negligent of our son's needs and puts the financial burden long term onto me.

I gently mentioned this possible move to my ex a few weeks ago, suggesting a reconfiguration of weekends (or most weekends) and school holidays with him, school time with me. It was all very tentative but he wasn't happy. He suggested that I move and he had full custody. We hadn't talked about it since, but yesterday when he came to collect DS, he said he would take me to court over it - while DS was in the other room, packing his bag. It was quite a shock.

I know DS needs are central to all this and I don't know how he would feel about moving. I know he likes my partner and his children. We've been away together and spent lots of time with each other. I hadn't asked DS because I wanted to get his dad on side. Now it seems like this won't happen, and I wonder if I should just forget it - accept I have to stay in London for the next 6/7 years. But mostly I feel triggered and very upset by my ex telling me what I can't / can't do again.

Does anyone have experience of court cases and relocation? I'm not sure I can face it.

Live where you feel happiest. Would the schools be better in the new place for your ds? An hour away isn’t dramatic so your ex can take you to court over it but I doubt he’d win. Also the retirement means what to you? If it’s less financial support for your ds then your ex can’t complain or expect you to live where it’s expensive for you

@happyfrog1

He's never paid CM etc as he has DS 50/50

So why is it negligent that he wants to retire?

It's hard to get ex to pay for anything as it is - retirement is going to make this worse. There is no CM in place as we share custody.

There are very good schools where DP is

@ButterCrackers
His retirement will have no impact financially for her or her son. He has their son 50/50 so no financial support is deemed necessary.

He can't stop you moving, but he can go to court to preserve his 50/50 and if he succeeds, the burden of facilitating that will land on you. So you'll be doing drop-offs and pick ups.

There are compromises though but those would fall on your DS. For eg, you could wait until he's ready for high school then send him to a school where he could travel independently between homes.

That all said, I'm not one for encouraging posters to blend families, going from being an only child to one of four... it's all a bit much eh.

Would ex pay more to help you cover the increased service charge? Keep in mind too, you're not 'buying a home' you're going to live in another man's home who will no doubt be looking to preserve security/inheritance for his own children over you and yours.

I understand you're triggered and yes, your ex is trying to control you, he's doing what he does. Unfortunately though it isn't a black and white picture. If he's a good dad and has consistently cared for DS 50/50 you really don't have the right to unilaterally take that away from him.

I would just sit for a few months and have a good look at secondary. (Were you planning to have DS travel an hour each way to his current primary by the way?). I suspect there's a way you can do this that's strategic if you play the long game.

What does your son think about moving in to another man's house and having to live with 3 other children 50/50. Will he have his own room?

Nope
It's very simple
Put your child first
Your ex does 50/50 that's sad that you would stop that for your child for a man. And then to top it off you want you ex to do weekends so asumimgbhe works Monday to Friday so then never/rarely has a Saturday to food shop, go to the gym, see his friends etc.
Why you can't just travel an hour up to your boyfriend when your son is with your ex. What's good for the goose and all that.

Because I have to ask him to pay half of everything - school shoes, tuition fees, extra curricular club fees...each one has to be negotiated and he resists. Retirement will make this worse as he will have less income. I tried to explain that DS will need more financial support as he gets older but it's like he doesn't hear me.

At 10 your son is old enough to decide whether he lives with his dad full time or not, I would have thought? 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Cheesepleease
Yes - and the op doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that.

It should be about what is best for her son - not where she will be happiest.
I’m not surprised he’s not happy. A long established 50:50 care so to propose weekends and holidays to facilitate a relationship is a huge ask.
The retiring, housing costs, won’t be lonely if moving in with three other children all feels like a poor attempt to justify the move.
It must be rubbish not being able to live your life as you want but that’s what happens sadly when families break up. Not suggesting for a minute you should have stayed but your child’s needs need to at the centre.

Not moving into DP's house...new house, lots of room for everyone

I get that you didn't have the size of family you wanted and have endless sympathy for that, but I feel this might wear off when you end up running around after three kids that aren't yours. As a happy one and done mum, the thought of the sheer amount of laundry fills me with horror.

I was thinking DS would gain quite a lot from moving in with DP's children - all nice kids, and I think DS has been a bit of a lonely only child. I've done my best to facilitate friendships and organise playdates etc (ex does nothing on this front) but he spends a lot of time alone. I wish I'd been able to have more children.

Blended family here 👋 That's such an idyllic view. The reality is very different. It's extremely hard work for everyone to adjust, the children included, and can take years. Going from being an only child to one of four is going to be a huge shock and impact. You need to think about this more carefully.

I would reiterate what others have said with regards to trying to blend your families. It is very, very difficult to do. In forcing this move you could be risking your fairly decent co-parenting relationship with your ex, and forcing your son to spend more time living with strangers than his own father. Even if you continue with 50/50, it means that for half of his time your child will be further away from his local friends and any extra-curricular stuff he does. How will he manage that at a time when he is supposed to be gaining more independence?

Ultimately my fear for you is that you will go to court and in the process lose a lot of money, lose your co-parenting relationship. You might win but it's very common for blended families to fail meaning that in a year or two your son ends up with his dad full time anyway because he resents you for changing the status quo.

Not at 10.

Oh OP. I’m so sorry your ex treated you so badly. But I agree with a lot of other posters. None of your plan is in his best interest. Neither moving away from his father (and presumably his friends) or moving in with your DP/step kids. You’d be better facilitating clubs and social events rather than force 3 step siblings on him if he’s lonely.

I see why this has upset you and how triggering this is. It is a difficult situation.

If I was your ex, I would fight with everything I had though. Losing 50/50 is a big loss by itself, but I would also be really worried about the blending with a family with 3 children. It is such a big shift for your son. I would want to protect him from that. He probably feels he is acting in your son's best interests.

I was a 50/50 child, i would have hated if one parent had moved away. Being able to bike between houses, live near my friends as opposed to being friendless at one house / weekends only etc.
Honestly put your kid first and wait
Giving him 3 new step-siblings that he is forced to live with is not doing that.

If you can't afford to live where you live then you don't have a choice but to move. But if you can't facilitate the 5050 continuing then you may end up the weekend parent. You're stuck in a shitty situation. It's only an hour, can you handle the drive?

It would be great if our exes could be considerate and cooperative, but they're exes for a reason.

If someone wanted to move my dcs away from me so I wouldn’t see them as much I’d fight tooth and nail to stop them (not because I’m “controlling” ffs). Like @maclen I live in an area I don’t especially like for the stability of my dc and I’m sure 1000s of other people do too. For a teenager, having separated parents who only live 10 mins away is a huge advantage over having parents living over an hour away and I don’t know why you would take that away from him, given that they have a good relationship. I think a court would agree with your ex. They can’t stop you moving but your ex will have a good case for being the resident parent and keeping dc in a school local to him with you having an eow tyoe arrangement. Maybe you think your ds will be happy travelling the hour to school from your bf house and you can maintain 50:50 that way.
I’m assuming the ex has a pension (or is state pension age) otherwise he isn’t “retiring”, he’s just unemployed. He will be entitled to child maintenance from you if he gets increased contact because of your move but that’s based on your income, not his.

What I would do is stay put and continue to see DP “only” an hour away in the huge amount of child free time you both have. I wouldn’t move my son an hour away from his dad up to live with a man and a sibling group of 3 with “complicated” custody in their house. I wouldn’t be doing that even if the dad wasn’t in the picture at all. I wouldn’t put a large school commute on my child so I could move in with someone either.

this situation has ‘disastrous’ written all over

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's good to get a gauge of opinions. I have thought about all the things you've said - whether I'm being selfish etc. Mainly I'm just triggered by ex and devastated by the thought of upsetting my son - which is why I don't think I can face court.

I am in a long distance relationship and as much as I feel your pain we both agree we will not move housing until both sets of kids are at least 18. We do 50/50 and it’s important for the children to retain that relationship with their other parent.

As your son gets older teenagers like to be where their friends are so will resist weekends and holidays travelling to his dads if you move. Also what would happen if it all goes wrong and you are then tied into this new house and area? Despite the better schools your son might not want to leave his friends and blending families is difficult in teenage years.

An hours journey should be more than do-able when you don’t have your son (we do over 4 times that) and blend the kids when you do have your son.