Ex says he'll take me to court over relocation

[happyfrog1]

I broke up with my ex four years ago. It was a bad relationship, some coercive control, a lot of gaslighting, sexual coercion, although he would never see it like this or fully admit it. When we split, we informally agreed 50/50 share care of DS, who is now 10. I was pretty broken by the end of it, and perhaps if I'd felt stronger, I'd have sought legal advice or advocated for more custody - but I felt by then that the only thing ex cared about was our child and I had to let him have 50/50. Perhaps worth saying my ex left his first wife many years ago and two children who he doesn't have much to do with, so he sees our DS as his second chance.

Fast forward 4 years - ex lives 10 minutes away with his GF. We still do 50/50 though I do more - all the organising, admin. I'm with someone very kind and supportive who lives an hour away, and I would like to move in the end to be with him, before DS starts secondary school (15 months away). He has 3 children and complicated custody arrangements so moving to him seems like the best option. Not to mention the area is nicer / safer than where I live. I also live in a shared ownership property where the service charge is being hiked. It rose £300 a month last month, and long term it is not an option to stay there. I can't afford to buy outright in London - impossible as a single mother, even though I earn well. My ex, with no consultation with me, is retiring in October - he's ten years older than me. I feel this is negligent of our son's needs and puts the financial burden long term onto me.

I gently mentioned this possible move to my ex a few weeks ago, suggesting a reconfiguration of weekends (or most weekends) and school holidays with him, school time with me. It was all very tentative but he wasn't happy. He suggested that I move and he had full custody. We hadn't talked about it since, but yesterday when he came to collect DS, he said he would take me to court over it - while DS was in the other room, packing his bag. It was quite a shock.

I know DS needs are central to all this and I don't know how he would feel about moving. I know he likes my partner and his children. We've been away together and spent lots of time with each other. I hadn't asked DS because I wanted to get his dad on side. Now it seems like this won't happen, and I wonder if I should just forget it - accept I have to stay in London for the next 6/7 years. But mostly I feel triggered and very upset by my ex telling me what I can't / can't do again.

Does anyone have experience of court cases and relocation? I'm not sure I can face it.

Totally agree with @CandiedPrincess - your rose-tint at this aspect makes me question your realism overall. Sounds like loving your DP is the driver and you're picturing best case scenarios from costs to happy families to sell the idea. In the real world, four kids, nice or not, all in one house, new/big or not, is not going to be easy and you really need to get passed the loved up impulse and wrestle with the worst case scenarios before going any further with this.

Have been where you've been OP. All I can say is that do NOT trust the courts will believe you on the coercive control, emotional abuse, that you do the heavy lifting as a parent. I went in thinking I would obviously be believed and court was a soul-destroying process for me. Any manipulative tactics your ex can use - he will. And if he's by nature volatile and controlling he will see court as a way to put a noose around your neck.

I wanted to move - nothing to do with another man - but literally to escape the abuse of my ex and to get out of his cycle of control. Had Women's Aid behind me and a police report supporting the account that ex had been violent. The court STILL APPLIED A PROHIBITED STEPS ORDER - as ex pleaded that he feared I would kidnap our child and move to Scotland.

I wanted to move 40 minutes away, to be closer to my parents and because I'd been offered an amazing job that would allow me to support our child and significantly improve financial stability.

My solicitor told me after I should have moved ahead of going to court - just done it in the night - as the court could never force you to move back. And then we would just get a child arrangements order in place.

So, if you think this move is TRUELY in your child's best interests, I would do it, now, before court. You can then go to court to establish a child arrangements order for who has your child when.

I am sorry your ex is triggering you and that he was coercive when you were together.

He is not really telling you what to do, here, though I get why it feels like that. If you wanted to move but keep DS at the same school, for example, he would have no say in the matter.

If you moved and were the one having EOW and perhaps calling in mid week, you would pay some CM and ex would get the CB. You can choose to do this and many parents (fathers) would.

Or you can choose to maintain the current set up.

You have choices, it’s just that the best choice for you is the worst choice for your ex, so he is saying no.

So, if you think this move is TRUELY in your child's best interests, I would do it, now, before court. You can then go to court to establish a child arrangements order for who has your child when.

That's the stumbling block though - she's coming up with reasons why it's best for her DC but the bottom line is that's not the driver here. The current arrangements work for DC. @SheilaFentiman outlines other options. The move is because OP wants to live with her DP and the DC would've have to uproot, change his contact with his dad, live with 3 other DC and the new man etc.

Bear in mind that as your child's father is retiring, he may make a (very convincing) case that your son lives with him and spends time with you.

School halfway between seems like a good idea, only 30 mins travelling to either parent and custody can stay the same. You may have to pay transport to and from school since this is your idea.

You have choices, it’s just that the best choice for you is the worst choice for your ex, so he is saying no.

He may also see it as the worst choice for their child.

This seems like a bad option for the child though. Not near friends, plus a drive/bus/train to school every day rather than a walk.

Also, since most schools have a distance element, chances are neither address would get the child into a “half way” school.

True, he may.

I think you’re having a wave of anguish and feeling like your ex buggered your life up, stole your choices, made you have less money and trapped you— I know the feeling well. It is horrible knowing you and your partner are lonely at home and not able to just watch tv together etc.

But I don’t think you should move. Court is horrendous and you’re taking for granted your DS happiness. He isn’t unhappy now, and I think a lot of your fears about him being lone relate to your wish and regret you didn’t get the proper family.

I think you should use this as a moment to move closer to your partner but emotionally not physically. Talk to him, tell him you love him and regret not being closer, that your ex is making you sad. Let him comfort you and lean in to the warmth of your new relationship for strength.

He was abusive and controlling throughout the relationship, obviously he wasn’t going to hear that you were moving away to be with another man, and be chill about that.

i also think you’re telling this story all wrong.
you can’t afford to live where you are now and would like to move to a better area with better schools and more safety for DS. This is fine. No court will take custody from you because of this.
however your first given reason is actually, I’m with another man who has ‘complicated’ custody already, so I’m going to make mine more complicated too, to help him.
why is his more complicated. this is a red flag.
can you each move half way for the new property? How much of your moving in with dp is financially motivated? Can you move and save money without moving in with DP?
if the grammar schools are in ex’s area and you’re the one doing commuting I can’t see how it effects him anyway to be honest

Your son should be the centre of this. Which is better for him. Continuing as is. Or moving to an unfamiliar area, into a house which already has a complicated custody situation, starting a new school away from all his friends and reducing the amount of time he spends with his dad? I see no positives for your son.

Difficult but I think unfortunately you're probably faced with trying to spend the next few years apart from your DP and focusing on when DS is older. Maybe even 6th form is a possibility when you can have better conversations with him about options and he can travel independently etc etc. I think just stay where you are for the moment.

In terms of financial, if you are 50 50 then you need to put your foot down on kid costs. So is there any way you can not pay for stuff and force him to ? So if he has DS and DS needs school shoes, just send him over without the school shoes and a message saying please get him shoes this weekend for Monday. I wonder if you are defaulting into paying for everything ?

‘Just move anyway’ is terrible advice, and something the courts could consider to reflect very poorly on OP. There have been cases where children have been placed primarily with the other parent, when this has happened.

“How far can a parent move with joint custody UK?

In response to this question firstly to confirm “custody” no longer exists within the United Kingdom and you will be looking at child arrangements order which identify with which parent a child lives which can include joint live with orders which defines the time that the child will live with each of the respective parents. The response to the above is in effect substantially the same as provided earlier within this article.
The issue is not whether the child lives with and has contact with the other parent or the child is defined as living with both parents but with what the impact of the move would be on the continuation of that arrangement.

In fact it may be harder for a parent with a shared care arrangement to justify a significant move where it effectively becomes impossible for that shared care arrangement to be maintained. For example, if the shared care arrangement identified that the time spent with each parent will encompass parts of the school week with each parent delivering and collecting from the school a significant move which would no longer make that possible i.e. as a result of the move one of the parents would have to travel two to three hours a day simply to deliver and collect the child from school in effect the shared care arrangement is no longer possible. In those circumstances the court would then have to give consideration to variation of the arrangement creating in effect a primary carer and the other parent having contact.
Consequently again the primary driving factor will be the distance that is moved, the time for transfer between the parents, and whether this fundamentally impacts the arrangements which then would need to be varied and amended either by agreement or if necessary through court action.”

https://www.stephens-scown.co.uk/family/children-issues/do-i-need-permission-to-move-within-england-and-wales/

That's a risky move and no guarantee. If it was as simple as your solicitor seems to be saying no one would ask they'd just move. This advice was probably specific to your individual circumstances. Courts can and do force childen to be returned to the original location and you have a choice then to move back with them or not.

OP please see a solicitor if you want to pursue this. There's bad advice on this thread saying the court will just grant it and while no court can stop YOU from moving they can certainly prevent your child from moving or order your child returned. My XH is abusive and has considerably less time with them, but my DC would still be devastated if I moved them an hour away from him. As for moving into a home with 3 other kids, there's no way in hell Id do that. Gently your idea of blended families seems very naive. Things with 3 kids who know and love each other is hard enough without throwing a 4th unrelated child and new mother figure into the mix. The worst case scenario might actually be that you get permission and move and end up regretting it because while the kids involved may all be lovely that doesn't mean throwing them all together in the one house will produce a good outcome.

Moving away for the sake of a complex man with complex kids and needs, taking your kid out of his safe situation, forcing him to live out of a suitcase every weekend, never being able to plan things with his local mates over weekends, play in sports teams etc because he has to slog an hour away because of your custody arrangement? Selfish, selfish and selfish.

Of course you can move where you like but you can't just move your son away from his other parent who has had equal input in raising him. Either you stay put or you move and allow you ex to be the main carer and you take EOWE and holidays. Why should he be expected to be a weekend dad when you're the one changing the goalposts?

Your son's right to see his father is more important that you wanting to live with a new partner. You're going to move him away from the area he knows and all his friends as well to live with a new partner and several other children. Will he even have his own bedroom? I think you're being completely selfish here and not thinking about your son at all.

“Will he even have his own bedroom? I think you're being completely selfish here and not thinking about your son at all.”

This is far too harsh. OP has already said they will be moving to a new place, so no reason to think DS wouldn’t have a bedroom. She has also mentioned the good schools in the new area.

I don’t think it would be as straightforward as she hopes, but calling her “completely selfish” is unwarranted. MN is supposed to be a place for support - firm speaking might be needed, but insulting posters won’t help anyone

It is selfish though, by it's very nature.

As a pp has pointed out - would you be ok if your ex said he’s moving an hour way etc? Also moving in with a man that has 3 kids and moving DS to a school where none of his friends will be is a bit shit really.

Of course he would be upset none of this seems fair on your child

So your child’s needs come second to dp’s children’s needs?
How will that make your son feel?

• moved to start a secondary school where he knows no-one, away from his dad, uprooted from social activities, friends and clubs, all so mum gets to live with her boyfriend and his kids gets to come first?

that’s how he’ll see it.

don’t be surprised if he chooses to live with his dad.
particularly if dad is retiring and can show he’ll be around more than working mum with a new boyfriend and 3 other kids to help care for.

I don’t think you should talk to your dc about it. Jus because your dp has nice kids, it’s another thing altogether to suddenly find himself living with them. I see you are in a tricky spot with your own costs rising.

Are you sure you want to be step mum to three kids? What’s the financial arrangement going to be with your dp? It sounds risky.

Are there no good state schools near you?
Could you simply move with your son to a cheaper location in between DP and your ex, so your son can still have his 50:50? Your ds could either choose a secondary school near your ex or one near your new home, but in either case at secondary school the longer journey is not unusual, and it would mean you and ds can have your cake and eat it as you’ll be nearer to your dp, and ds still close enough to visit his dad easily enough.

Your ex would need to have “duplicates” of clothes and shoes etc to facilitate and avoid ds having to carry luggage which is surely the best answer.

We have my DSD 50:50 and we just buy everything for each house. So we buy a full set of uniform, shoes etc and her mum does the same. Nothing is shared between houses. In terms of hobbies. We pay for the hobbies we have signed her up for, dancing and gymnastics and all that that entails and her mum does the same. Her mum doesn't take her to any hobbies which is her choice but we wouldn't dream of asking her to contribute to hobbies we signed DSD up to, that we take her to on our time.

We definitely spend a lot more on DSD than her mum does but that's our choice. If we couldn't afford to finance her hobbies then they would have to stop. The same as if her mum decided to buy her a horse and pay for it's upkeep that would be on her.

It's just the easier to do it this way as it minimises the need for discussion.