Ex says he'll take me to court over relocation

[happyfrog1]

I broke up with my ex four years ago. It was a bad relationship, some coercive control, a lot of gaslighting, sexual coercion, although he would never see it like this or fully admit it. When we split, we informally agreed 50/50 share care of DS, who is now 10. I was pretty broken by the end of it, and perhaps if I'd felt stronger, I'd have sought legal advice or advocated for more custody - but I felt by then that the only thing ex cared about was our child and I had to let him have 50/50. Perhaps worth saying my ex left his first wife many years ago and two children who he doesn't have much to do with, so he sees our DS as his second chance.

Fast forward 4 years - ex lives 10 minutes away with his GF. We still do 50/50 though I do more - all the organising, admin. I'm with someone very kind and supportive who lives an hour away, and I would like to move in the end to be with him, before DS starts secondary school (15 months away). He has 3 children and complicated custody arrangements so moving to him seems like the best option. Not to mention the area is nicer / safer than where I live. I also live in a shared ownership property where the service charge is being hiked. It rose £300 a month last month, and long term it is not an option to stay there. I can't afford to buy outright in London - impossible as a single mother, even though I earn well. My ex, with no consultation with me, is retiring in October - he's ten years older than me. I feel this is negligent of our son's needs and puts the financial burden long term onto me.

I gently mentioned this possible move to my ex a few weeks ago, suggesting a reconfiguration of weekends (or most weekends) and school holidays with him, school time with me. It was all very tentative but he wasn't happy. He suggested that I move and he had full custody. We hadn't talked about it since, but yesterday when he came to collect DS, he said he would take me to court over it - while DS was in the other room, packing his bag. It was quite a shock.

I know DS needs are central to all this and I don't know how he would feel about moving. I know he likes my partner and his children. We've been away together and spent lots of time with each other. I hadn't asked DS because I wanted to get his dad on side. Now it seems like this won't happen, and I wonder if I should just forget it - accept I have to stay in London for the next 6/7 years. But mostly I feel triggered and very upset by my ex telling me what I can't / can't do again.

Does anyone have experience of court cases and relocation? I'm not sure I can face it.

I think speak to a solicitor first to find out where you stand legally

I moved around 40 minutes away from my ex after we split up - and yes he had a huge kick off about it!! We split our kids 70/30, with me having the larger side of it, so I did actually feel it was more my decision to make

Where we moved to was where my work was based so logistically it meant I could develop my role more to be able to provide better for the kids, the schools are far better here and it’s safer. My kids can play out without me being terrified. And we have a lovely home, a blended family, and the kids are settled in their school with lovely friendship groups.

We split the journey either way though for access arrangements - sometimes meet halfway, sometimes it’s one of us making the journey either side

Shacking up with a man with 3 kids is a huge risk for you, and even more so for your son.

*“Will he even have his own bedroom? I think you're being completely selfish here and not thinking about your son at all.”

This is far too harsh. OP has already said they will be moving to a new place, so no reason to think DS wouldn’t have a bedroom. She has also mentioned the good schools in the new area.*

I agree the accusation about being completely selfish is too harsh.

However, I also have a nagging thought about the bedrooms: mainly because upthread the OP seems to be answering that question in a vaguish manner ('there is plenty of space for all') which is a funny way of saying 'Yes'.

Of course, I could be doing the OP a complete disservice!

However, even with own bedrooms I agree with PP that there seems to be an assumption of everything being rosey when they blend the families, but the reality is often so different. When coupled with the distance I can see why even a nice ex would have concerns about this.

Sorry, OP. It's not what you want to hear but I do think you're in a situation where you're commitments in London are greater than the lure of moving. However, an hour is not too far for you to travel and stay over frequently while your son is with his father?

1 hour isn't that far as long as OP takes on the additional travel

Having plenty of space for all doesn't necessarily mean they will all have their own bedrooms. Given he has 3 kids and she has one they will require a 5 bedroom house in that case. OP says she is struggling to afford her current house so how is she going to be affording this 5 bed house, along with paying for her son to attend a school that requires tuition fees. If you can't afford your rent then surely you can't afford private schooling. It all just seems a bit off.

If the new man is covering all these costs or puts OP in a very vulnerable position. Will it be his house? If so and they split up where does that leave OP? Or are they buying together? Again, risky buying with someone you've never lived with and who has a complicated situation.

Just seems rather messy and I'm not surprised her ex isn't happy about it.

It sounds like a high risk move to me, never mind the view of your ex.

I’d be inclined to stay where you are and not move your DS into a house with three DCs with “complicated” arrangements.

I understand how you feel, but I’d rethink just now

This doesn’t seem very fair on your son, either way.

As I see it, you either

1. Move with your son and your ex gets your son every weekend and most holidays so he still has 50/50 custody. This means hours of traveling every week for your son, not being able to make and maintain new friendships at his new school because he spends so much time away.
2. You move and your son stays with your ex. In this scenario your son feels abandoned and you have to do a 2 hour around trip twice a weekend to collect him so he can come and stay with you. Your new home and family will feel alien to him as he won’t be spending as much time there. Your son spends hours every week traveling and misses out on seeing his friends at the weekend and during holidays.

Both options are pretty bad. And in both options he will have to learn to live with three other kids which won’t be an easy dynamic.

Nononono! The "lonely only" is preferable to being one fourth of a quarter where you are the outsider. Only is not necessarily lonely and it is also peaceful. It would be an horrendous shock to move in with siblings.

And you don't have to spend long on the step-parenting board to see how difficult blended families can be. Especially given his situation is complicated. Potentially means he'll end up a bit of a Disney dad feeling guilty and trying to make up for the complicated situation. They might seem like nice kids from the limited time you've spent with them but living with them when there's different parenting styles, a lack of boundaries and a challenging ex dictating your time is a whole different ballgame. And your poor son will be caught up on the middle

You've tried very hard to swing this potential move as good for everyone, but let's face it, it's for you, and you alone.

Very telling is that you've left out what the relationship between your son and his father is like.

I am genuinely sorry you had a shitty relationship with his dad, but you can't just move him an hour away from his father to facilitate your relationship (and his 'tricky' custody arrangements ).

I'm also sorry if you think this is harsh. But regardless of how carefully you write your OP, this is about you and your wants. Own that.

“If you can't afford your rent then surely you can't afford private schooling. It all just seems a bit off. “

Grammar school, not private school.

I had 50/50 with my son and wanted to move just over an hour away. He took me to
court and lost.

My advice is to get yourself a bloody pie hot lawyer like I did who knows what the courts are looking for.

I had a client in exctly your situation. She ended up in court proceedings and the slightly older child confirmed she wanted to remain with her father and friends. Her daughter now lives full time with her father.

Beware. This might all backfire. 10 year olds don't like change. You're proposing a massive amount of change. Father represents stability.

I can see pros and cons on both sides. One question-how would moving affect your work situation? Would you be able to continue on your current job or would you need to find something new/be dependent on your DP?

Regardless of the custody dilemma, you must be very careful to retain your financial independence, OP, in case things don’t work out. You mustn’t put yourself and your DS in a situation where you could find yourself homeless with no income.

If you move next to an outstanding secondary school, and do all the drop offs to his primary school this year that would help your case

Why don't you ask your son what he thinks about the new area, take him to look at the local schools there etc. if he's into sports he might prefer a school in surrey or Essex with huge sports pitches over one in London without, for example. I think that you're right that before secondary is a good time. I think if you also show your son the kind of home
You could rent or by further out he'd be super keen. He's going to make new friends in year 7 anyway so it is a good time to transition. Have lots of this info, and ideas for how you will manage drop offs, ready to show your ex.

I'm not surprised he's not keen so you need to build a good case for how it'll be a wonderful opportunity for your son.

@happyfrog1 would you honestly be happy having almost no none school day with your DS? Or would ex can have him (almost) all holidays and weekends quickly get eroded because you want a family holiday here, a birthday weekend there, a day to just chill at home, a trip to see cousins, time for an activity etc etc. I would hate to do the daily grind of school and never have a weekend to do something fun together.

That's helpful to know.

If he's retired he should be able to drive down and do a school pick up and tea out once or twice a week easily mid week?

Bad that you discussed it with your ex without doing so with your son first, or both together at the same time. You really need to ask your son what he'd want to do if you moved away. I suspect it's quite likely he'd prefer to stay local and live with his had predominantly, something which your ex seems open to. So at a guess you'll have to chose between staying put and moving away by yourself to be with new partner and reducing contact with your son to weekends instead.

If it goes to court your son will be old enough to have his choice taken into consideration, and if he says he wants to live with his dad during the week it's fairly likely they'll agree with that - especially since it's already 50/50 so there's evidence that ds has a good contact pattern and relationship with his dad.

I had 50/50 with my son and wanted to move just over an hour away

Were you moving in with a man who has 3 children?

He cant stop you moving away, especially so close, but the onus would be on you to do the travelling so that it didnt affect his contact time.
You dont get a say in his retirement plans

I would be concerned here though that if you moved away, then you actually risk your son wanting to move in with his dad in a couple of years. Moving a pre-teen boy into a pre existing family of 3 other kids, is a disaster waiting to happen.

If you’re 50-50ing it NEEDS to be in the same town / local area. Or the poor kid won’t be able to hang out with any of his mates from his new school. And that gets increasingly important as they go through high school. He’ll feel socially isolated packed off to Dad’s in his old home town every weekend.

Is it really too much to ask that you wait to move in with your new fella til your DS is older / more able to travel back and forth easily & independently?

I say this as someone in the exact same position with 50-50 custody & a DP with his own DC’s. No way on Gods earth I’d uproot my DC’s just so I can play house with my DP.

I have a friend who moved an hour away from her kids dad.

Her children's father was fighting it but as they both drive and she could prove it took an hour he was told to drop it. OK I proved it as she randomly mentioned it to me and I gave her detailed routes (notice the plural) as I worked there plus had family who lived where she moved to. She had to agree to do most of the driving to his place in the beginning.

Then within 3 years he moved himself to 30 minutes of where they live.

I also know other couples where this has happened who haven't gone to Court. The main thing is it being up to an hour's travel one way in normal conditions and there is an easy accessible means of transport to get the kid to each home.

If your child is secondary age particularly if you live in the SE then an hour journey to school is seen as nothing. If the kid is in primary then one parent has a harder school run.

Personally you should have kept your mouth shut to your ex, your son and other people until you were about to move, then moved. Also remember if you are renting in the current climate he can't reasonably order you to move back.