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Original poster

How do I cut someone I’ve been dating off when he’s not a issue

83 replies

Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:08

So I started dating someone for a few months after splitting with my ex of 5 years.

wasn’t sure if anything was going to come of it (he’s separated from his wife with to 2 DS & living back with parents until material home has sold) however we’d been seeing quite a lot of each other and things moved very quickly but now my ex has come back on the scene and we’ve had lots of talks decided we both want to give it another go and make it work.

question is .. how do I let down this guy I’ve been dating gently?

He is very keen and since meeting my ex and discussing trying to make things work I massively backed off but he still messages asking to see me etc… he is a lovely guy and couldn’t fault a thing he did during the 4 months of dating and I don’t want to hurt him. I’m hesitant to mention the ex as had a big convo about this when we was dating.

any advice?

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:09

do you and ex have children?

windyweather66 · 01/05/2024 15:13

I know you don't want to mention him as the reason, but if that's the only reason you're calling it quits then you should tell him that, as he may take some small comfort that it wasn't that you've gone off him, but, as you told us, you want to make it work with ex.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2024 15:15

I’m hesitant to mention the ex as had a big convo about this when we was dating.

If the conversation was that he knew you still had feelings, then it will at least be a comfort for him to know he was right. I'd be honest. Even though you might look a certain way, he will feel better with honestly.

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:16

* and things moved very quickly *

in what way? he lives with his parents and has two DC

Bumblebeeinatree · 01/05/2024 15:19

I was assuming you bitched about your ex to the nice guy so to now say you are getting back together is a bit difficult to explain.

Are you sure about your ex? Presumably all the things that made you split are still there, will it just be the same next time around, but the nice guy will be long gone by then.

Deathbyfluffy · 01/05/2024 15:23

Usually this ends badly - your ex will still be your ex, and the reason you broke up will still be there.
Meanwhile you’re letting go of a nice guy and hurting him in the process…

Good luck, I guess!

Catandsquirrel · 01/05/2024 15:25

Do you live near each other, do you know people jn common, does he know who ex is, or was it an OLD blind date? Do you and ex have kids?

If he doesn't know who ex is, you're not likely to bump into him and you don't have mutual friends, just deploy a nice, 'its not you it's me' breakup. 'its been so lovely getting to know you' etc. I wouldn't mention the ex. No need. I personally wouldn't need to know you'd been in talks with the ex whilst dating me or that you'd picked someone else. I'd prefer to think we just weren't a long term fit.

If you are part of the same network or have kids with the ex, probably better to be honest. Not fair he's the last to know in that situation. Either way, put him out of his misery as he sounds keen

Original poster
Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:45

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:09

do you and ex have children?

Me and ex don’t have children. neither of us do and it’s always been discussed we both do.

eta both do in future

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:46

Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:45

Me and ex don’t have children. neither of us do and it’s always been discussed we both do.

eta both do in future

Edited
Show quote history

come again?

Original poster
Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:47

windyweather66 · 01/05/2024 15:13

I know you don't want to mention him as the reason, but if that's the only reason you're calling it quits then you should tell him that, as he may take some small comfort that it wasn't that you've gone off him, but, as you told us, you want to make it work with ex.

It’s not entirely the only reason, I didn’t see it going anywhere due to the fact he has “baggage” so to speak - ex wife and kids.

for reference - I don’t have children but I do want them in the near future

OP posts:
Original poster
Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:49

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:16

* and things moved very quickly *

in what way? he lives with his parents and has two DC

In the way that we saw each other very regularly and he eventually started staying over at my house

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:49

it moved “very quickly”

how so when he has children and living with his parents?

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:50

Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:49

In the way that we saw each other very regularly and he eventually started staying over at my house

Show quote history

it’s only been a few months
and presumably both work

and he has two children (presuming that you’ve haven’t met them 🤞)

i can’t see it being that much!

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:51

I didn’t see it going anywhere due to the fact he has “baggage” so to speak - ex wife and kids.

but that was evident from day 1

MILTOBE · 01/05/2024 15:51

Why did you split up with your partner and what changed to make you both want to get back together?

You must know that it usually doesn't work when people get back together.

Whatsitcalled38 · 01/05/2024 15:53

Honesty is the best policy.

Itsonlymashadow · 01/05/2024 15:54

What was the ‘big convo’ you had?

Original poster
Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:54

Bumblebeeinatree · 01/05/2024 15:19

I was assuming you bitched about your ex to the nice guy so to now say you are getting back together is a bit difficult to explain.

Are you sure about your ex? Presumably all the things that made you split are still there, will it just be the same next time around, but the nice guy will be long gone by then.

Yes, this is is what is difficult to explain.

I am sure about trying to work things out with the ex - we’ve had a discussion about what needs to change

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:56

Itsonlymashadow · 01/05/2024 15:54

What was the ‘big convo’ you had?

Shall we have a shag for old time’s sake and go from there

i suspect

Original poster
Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:56

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:46

come again?

Show quote history

myself and my ex do not have children together or any between us from prev relationships. We discussed having children together in the future

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:57

i wouldn’t be surprised if you are egging up this this rel and be will actually be totally relaxed about breaking up

He is going through a divorce: a house sale; living with his parents; presumably working and two children

He has bigger fish to fry

Original poster
Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:57

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:51

I didn’t see it going anywhere due to the fact he has “baggage” so to speak - ex wife and kids.

but that was evident from day 1

Yeah, not saying it wasn’t. I wasn’t looking for anything long term But I feel he wants more.

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:58

Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:57

Yeah, not saying it wasn’t. I wasn’t looking for anything long term But I feel he wants more.

Show quote history

so even set aside ex

this was dead in the water

Original poster
Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:59

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 15:56

Shall we have a shag for old time’s sake and go from there

i suspect

Show quote history

Big convo wasn’t with the ex so no your suspicions are not correct

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 16:01

so you’re getting back together with ex

but haven’t had a “big convo”

you had one with current guy. What about? you’ve been dating a few months

ok 😆

ps you’ve met his kids already haven’t you?