Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I cut someone I’ve been dating off when he’s not a issue

83 replies

Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 15:08

So I started dating someone for a few months after splitting with my ex of 5 years.

wasn’t sure if anything was going to come of it (he’s separated from his wife with to 2 DS & living back with parents until material home has sold) however we’d been seeing quite a lot of each other and things moved very quickly but now my ex has come back on the scene and we’ve had lots of talks decided we both want to give it another go and make it work.

question is .. how do I let down this guy I’ve been dating gently?

He is very keen and since meeting my ex and discussing trying to make things work I massively backed off but he still messages asking to see me etc… he is a lovely guy and couldn’t fault a thing he did during the 4 months of dating and I don’t want to hurt him. I’m hesitant to mention the ex as had a big convo about this when we was dating.

any advice?

OP posts:
Faduckssake · 01/05/2024 16:40

Just tell the truth

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/05/2024 16:41

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 16:28

aggressive? good grief

Show quote history

I'll second the reading of your posts as aggressive. You keep acting like the you're trying to catch the OP out.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 01/05/2024 16:44

Just be truthful, don’t leave the poor man wondering or make up an excuse. If he was nice guy tell him that but just be honest that you still have feelings for your ex and have decided to give it another go.

MonsteraMama · 01/05/2024 16:45

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 16:17

so why start this thread?!

Youre getting back with you ex (i look forward to the further threads on that)

and he’s got serious shit to deal with namely a divorce, house sale and two children going through their parents splitting up

Show quote history

You are bizarrely invested in this thread considering you think it's pointless. 19 posts so far on a 52 post thread are you grilling the OP like a two bit detective in a true crime drama. Find your chill.

OP honestly just tell the truth and accept that you might hurt him, but that he'll be OK.

RubiesandRose · 01/05/2024 16:46

How about this text?

Dear John, it's been fun getting to know you the last couple of weeks/months but sadly I don't feel like there is long term potential. When we spoke I very much believed I was over my ex and we had been no contact but that has changed and we are considering reconciling. I thought it best to be upfront with you and wish you all the best for the future. All the best OP.

Illpickthatup · 01/05/2024 16:47

Wow! You're getting some amount of grief on here and all sorts of conclusions have been jumped to!

My DH has 3 kids who he had 50:50 at the time. We got together during COVID so many of our "dates" when in our houses. Things moved really quickly for us without me meeting the kids. On the week's he didn't have the kids he would practically move into mine. He called or texted every day. So I completely understand how these situations can move quickly.

Ex's are normally ex's for a reason and people never change that much despite promising to do so. He might change for a month or two but ultimately he's the same person you broke up with. If have a good think about whether getting back with him is a good idea. If so then just be honest with the guy. You'll not have to see him again anyway and he deserves to know the truth so he isn't left wondering if he did something wrong.

If the ex wasn't there I would also suggest that you tread carefully with this new guy. Divorce is very stressful especially with kids involved. You also need to consider if you want to be a stepmum to his two kids and if he's interested in having more kids. If not then it's only fair you call things off with him if you feel like he's wanting a relationship and you don't. But just be honest whatever you choose to do.

retinolalcohol · 01/05/2024 16:47

I think first of all have a really good think ahout whether you even want to go back to your ex - have a minute to digest so you're acting on logic rather than emotion. It rarely ends well. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and often these things just revert back to type after a few weeks/months.

If you still want to go ahead just tell the new guy. 'Hi x. I've had such a lovely time getting to know you, but I have decided to give it another go with my ex. It's nothing you have done. Wish you well'.
He's probably been there before - I reckon most people have (me included, and then within weeks I wondered why on earth did I do that?!)

Itsonlymashadow · 01/05/2024 16:48

All this ‘he probably was trying to move in with you’ is completely irrelevant.

You dated him, told him you were over your ex as you thought you were. However, you weren’t.

Tell him the truth. End it. Would you be ok finding out your ex, after getting back together with you, was still in touch with someone they had been dating/ having sex with and hadn’t told them it was over?

At the moment the new guy hasn’t done anything wrong. So all the musing about what he might have done, further down the line is pointless. Just tell him you thought you were over your ex, but you aren’t.

You won’t see the new guy again, so it doesn’t matter what he thinks.

takemeawayagain · 01/05/2024 16:48

I bet it's five minutes before the ex goes back to his old ways - whatever they are, you don't seem to want to say.
Just tell the other bloke the truth, why would you do anything else?

5YearsLeft · 01/05/2024 16:50

Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 16:13

again, you’ve missed read the post. Who said children have been introduced? I’ve quite clearly stated I had no desire to.

eta. Also it’s not a relationship. I’ve clearly said we were dating.

Edited
Show quote history

I think OP has had enough advice but I have to ask, what is eta in the two OP posts it’s been in? Am I missing something? Is it supposed to be i.e. or ex. Because I only know ETA as “estimated time of arrival” or if you choose to use it in mathematics. Can another reader help me here? Or OP? (Not being a dick about it - assume I’m the only one who doesn’t understand since no one else has mentioned it.)

Original poster
Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 16:51

5YearsLeft · 01/05/2024 16:50

I think OP has had enough advice but I have to ask, what is eta in the two OP posts it’s been in? Am I missing something? Is it supposed to be i.e. or ex. Because I only know ETA as “estimated time of arrival” or if you choose to use it in mathematics. Can another reader help me here? Or OP? (Not being a dick about it - assume I’m the only one who doesn’t understand since no one else has mentioned it.)

Show quote history

Sorry I put ETA as “edited to add”

OP posts:
gettingbackonit23 · 01/05/2024 16:52

Good luck op. However if you getting back with ex is based on him promising to change aspects of his personality, that is incredibly rare and you usually end up in the same place as you were. If he’s lazy, mean, aggressive, cheating or whatever, he’s probably incapable of changing that so don’t get too much hope.
The new guy sounds nice but I’m guessing if you spoke to his ex wife she’d have a different story to tell. Getting involved with someone with kids isn’t for everyone so if you are going to break it off, now is a good time before you have met them.

Dadjoke007 · 01/05/2024 16:52

Ok, I am on the receiving end of similar - but 9 months, normal relationship (own house, kids with me half time) - we had been amazing in that time but her ex got in contact and she felt the spark there was bigger. She could not fault me for anything but has decided that's where her future is.

We are older, both have kids and not after more. It was the perfect relationship but she was very honest.

So my advice as being in a similar position to him - tell him truthfully the reason and that your mind is made up. Be nice but firm.

QueenAnn · 01/05/2024 16:53

@Lj2024 I realised why you said you own your own house etc and it was in response to a question you were asked previously. No offence, but maybe this guy is so keen on you as you could be a way of him escaping living with his parents, providing somewhere for him to have contact with his kids etc He sounds like he has a lot of baggage, you don't owe him anything, just tell him that the relationship is not right for you. He must realise you'd be taking a lot on with him and his kids if things eventually became serious, especially as you don't have kids yourself. He's an adult, he's been married, has children, I bet he'll soon meet someone else. So what if you've had a moan about your ex to him, who doesn't? Feelings change. He's probably moaned to you about his ex wife. As my dd used to say "you can't please everyone so just please yourself".

category12 · 01/05/2024 16:54

'Hi x. I've had such a lovely time getting to know you, but I have decided to give it another go with my ex. It's nothing you have done. Wish you well'.

This. ^

Be clear, and don't fudge it, or try to leave your options open as it's not fair.

5YearsLeft · 01/05/2024 16:57

Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 16:51

Sorry I put ETA as “edited to add”

Show quote history

Oh thanks so much! I’ll know what it is from now on! You don’t need to apologize at all. It’s a gap in my knowledge.

Elektra1 · 01/05/2024 16:58

You knew he had "baggage" at the beginning but continued seeing him after it was obvious he was keener than you. Not a crime. But I feel it would be kinder to say to him: I'm very sorry but I still have feelings for my ex and we've decided to give it another go. You're a wonderful guy and I can't waste your time when I know my heart is somewhere else.

That way, he can take the knock knowing that it's not him, or his life circumstances. It's very hard as a single parent to be rejected by someone you really like on the basis that they don't like your baggage.

Catandsquirrel · 01/05/2024 17:06

Bloody hell @marzipanlover81 she just wants advice on how to split up with a casual BF. She hasn't met the kids at all.

As I mention OP, if youre connected via friends etc tell him the reason, if not, just be vague about reasons (but clear it's the end).

SharpAzurePanda · 01/05/2024 17:08

That way, he can take the knock knowing that it's not him, or his life circumstances. It's very hard as a single parent to be rejected by someone you really like on the basis that they don't like your baggage.

Whether OP chooses to be fully frank about her reasons is up to her but I’d say it is partly his life circumstances. OP getting back with the ex is the catalyst, but it appears she wasn’t thinking of him seriously in the long term anyway.

Surely as a PP said he would’ve been unaware she’d have been taking a lot on? I feel if you had kids and are still officially married etc and choose to enter a relationship with someone who doesn’t have all those ties you need to be a bit self-aware and realise the potential future impact for them.

if anything, I think men in particular need to be aware that it is actually a big ask for a childfree woman. I’ve had some men seemingly surprised and even confrontational when I’ve told them I’m not interested with all the baggage they bring. They don’t seem to realise being a stepparent can be a very hard thing and isn’t what most women with no kids will actively want.

MyUnpopularOpinion · 01/05/2024 17:15

Lj2024 · 01/05/2024 16:35

Yeah I do own my own house, and several occasions he’s assumed he will be coming over here

Show quote history

I'm not at all surprised to hear this.

gettingbackonit23 · 01/05/2024 17:19

I mean to be fair to him, why wouldn’t he assume that he was coming to hers when he is living with his parents. It doesn’t mean that he expects her to finance him or anything.

idreamoftoddlersleepytime · 01/05/2024 17:22

You're making it difficult. Just tell him the truth. You don't want to see him any more.

Illpickthatup · 01/05/2024 17:26

SharpAzurePanda · 01/05/2024 17:08

That way, he can take the knock knowing that it's not him, or his life circumstances. It's very hard as a single parent to be rejected by someone you really like on the basis that they don't like your baggage.

Whether OP chooses to be fully frank about her reasons is up to her but I’d say it is partly his life circumstances. OP getting back with the ex is the catalyst, but it appears she wasn’t thinking of him seriously in the long term anyway.

Surely as a PP said he would’ve been unaware she’d have been taking a lot on? I feel if you had kids and are still officially married etc and choose to enter a relationship with someone who doesn’t have all those ties you need to be a bit self-aware and realise the potential future impact for them.

if anything, I think men in particular need to be aware that it is actually a big ask for a childfree woman. I’ve had some men seemingly surprised and even confrontational when I’ve told them I’m not interested with all the baggage they bring. They don’t seem to realise being a stepparent can be a very hard thing and isn’t what most women with no kids will actively want.

Edited

When DH and I first started seeing each other neither of us were expecting it to be serious. We'd known each other from school. We were just looking for some company and a FWB situation really. He has 3 kids and had just left 12 year abusive relationship. I thought there was no chance he'd be looking to jump into another relationship. He thought there was no way I'd want to take on all his baggage. I always said I'd never get involved with a single dad. He swore he'd never get into a relationship again after his ex. Clearly since he's now my DH it didn't work out that way.

SharpAzurePanda · 01/05/2024 17:40

@Illpickthatup Yes, there’s no disputing sometimes childfree women get with men with children. It would never be me, but I can’t disagree with that fact that many women do!

I was just saying in OP’s case it appears even though reconciliation with the ex is the catalyst for the proposed breakup, she didn’t really see a future with him, at least partly, because of what she calls his “baggage” ie his life circumstances. I’m basing this on what they’ve said in their posts.

Edited to add : But I think aside from the “baggage” issue if you’re willing to go try again with your ex and drop someone you’re dating it means you’re probably not that into them -which is totally fine.

So whether Op goes back to her ex or not, it’s best they part ways now anyway, as it sounds as if the guy might be taking it more seriously.

Illpickthatup · 01/05/2024 17:56

SharpAzurePanda · 01/05/2024 17:40

@Illpickthatup Yes, there’s no disputing sometimes childfree women get with men with children. It would never be me, but I can’t disagree with that fact that many women do!

I was just saying in OP’s case it appears even though reconciliation with the ex is the catalyst for the proposed breakup, she didn’t really see a future with him, at least partly, because of what she calls his “baggage” ie his life circumstances. I’m basing this on what they’ve said in their posts.

Edited to add : But I think aside from the “baggage” issue if you’re willing to go try again with your ex and drop someone you’re dating it means you’re probably not that into them -which is totally fine.

So whether Op goes back to her ex or not, it’s best they part ways now anyway, as it sounds as if the guy might be taking it more seriously.

Edited

100%. If your can be turned by anyone else then you're not that into your current guy/gal.