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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dad upset about my relationship..

78 replies

Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 19:28

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice about my situation.

I’m 25 and have been in a relationship for 5 years. My dad is extremely strict and still sees me as a child, and has previously said things to me that gave the impression that he thought I would get into my first relationship at 35😂.

Anyways, as it’s been such a long time I decided my dad should know, so I asked my mum to tell him. He took it very badly to say the least and doesn’t want to talk about it, he’s very upset and thinks I’m now going to give up on my career goals (?).

I get this may be normalish for some dads, but he is sulking quite a lot and it’s making me feel quite guilty. Is there anything I can do to make him feel a bit better or do you think to just give him time? Also, do you think it’s something I should bring up with him?

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 30/04/2024 19:31

This is not normal.

”My dad is extremely strict”

Being a strict parent is a choice that’s open to him until you’re 18, not once you’re an adult. His strictness is neither here nor there as he no place to tell you what to do with your life.

Is he opposed to this particular man you’re with or is it just any man? Either way he needs to get a grip.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 19:32

You feel guilty over your dad sulking about you doing something completely normal? i.e having a relationship when you're in your 20s? I knw some fathers get a bit possessive over their daughters when they're little and swear no man is going to be allowed near them, but you're a grown up, FGS.

I'd ignore him. Or get DM to tell him to grow TF up and realise you're an adult who can make her own choices. I certainly wouldn't feel guilty.

Mmhmmn · 30/04/2024 19:33

You’ll need to help him realise that he doesn’t own you.

Onthemaintrunkline · 30/04/2024 19:35

I’m amazed you’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and your Dad hasn’t known! At 25 it’s hardly his business, but for peace sake I understand how you’d like to smooth things out. Talk to him, introduce this other person in your life, but don’t let your father's sulking control you. (That’s, after all why most people sulk).

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 19:36

He took it very badly to say the least and doesn’t want to talk about it, he’s very upset and thinks I’m now going to give up on my career goals (?)

Someone needs to tell him it's not either/or here. You can be in a relationship and still work hard at your career. Mind you, considering you waited 5 years to tell him (why was that? did your DM know?) I can see why that might have been a shock.

Any cultural issues here or just an insanely possessive DF?

Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 19:40

Mmhmmn · 30/04/2024 19:31

This is not normal.

”My dad is extremely strict”

Being a strict parent is a choice that’s open to him until you’re 18, not once you’re an adult. His strictness is neither here nor there as he no place to tell you what to do with your life.

Is he opposed to this particular man you’re with or is it just any man? Either way he needs to get a grip.

I think it’s just any man as he hasn’t met him yet

OP posts:
thanKyouaIMee · 30/04/2024 19:41

You lied to him for 5 years?! Tbh that's not going to be the best start! Did your mum know?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 19:41

Why hasn't he met him and why five years to tell DF?

TTPD · 30/04/2024 19:47

I get this may be normalish for some dad

Getting in a sulk over a 25 year old being in a committed long term relationship is not normal. It's frankly pathetic.
The fact you've felt like it was necessary to hide this and lie for 5 years is not normal.

(Unless his sulking is more to do with the fact he's been lied to for 5 years, rather than the relationship itself?)

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 19:51

(Unless his sulking is more to do with the fact he's been lied to for 5 years, rather than the relationship itself?)

That does slightly change the context. I'd be pissed off if a (hypothetical) DD came to me and said 'guess what, I've been going out with X for five years and decided not to tell you until now.'

How on earth did you keep that quiet for FIVE YEARS? what about holidays, visits to your place, casual mentions about daily life and happenings?

Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 19:51

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 19:32

You feel guilty over your dad sulking about you doing something completely normal? i.e having a relationship when you're in your 20s? I knw some fathers get a bit possessive over their daughters when they're little and swear no man is going to be allowed near them, but you're a grown up, FGS.

I'd ignore him. Or get DM to tell him to grow TF up and realise you're an adult who can make her own choices. I certainly wouldn't feel guilty.

Thanks, I know you’re right I think it’s just hard to get out of the mindset. My dad has always tried to make me live my life in the way he wants me to, e.g., trying to choose my subject to study at uni, being strict about grades. For example I got all As and As at GCSE but he was disappointed about the subjects I got As in as opposed to As. I guess I’ve lived my life trying to please him and I feel some level of anxiety when this doesn’t pan out which I know is something I need to work on just don’t know how.

OP posts:
AgreeableDragon · 30/04/2024 19:54

The way you have written this OP suggests that you have been living with these strange ideas of your dads that it has become normalised. Trust me and these other posters, his attitude is NOT normal.

But, I have a question. Are you in the U.K? And is this a cultural thing rather than just your dad’s views.

Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 19:56

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 19:36

He took it very badly to say the least and doesn’t want to talk about it, he’s very upset and thinks I’m now going to give up on my career goals (?)

Someone needs to tell him it's not either/or here. You can be in a relationship and still work hard at your career. Mind you, considering you waited 5 years to tell him (why was that? did your DM know?) I can see why that might have been a shock.

Any cultural issues here or just an insanely possessive DF?

Edited

I didn’t tell him before as I knew he’d react badly, especially because of my age. My mum has known for some time but not from the beginning.

My dad isn’t British but I don’t think any cultural factors come into play as this isn’t an issue for any of my cousins/extended family members from the same culture. I think it’s just to do with being possessive and in some ways having planned my life out for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 20:01

thanKyouaIMee · 30/04/2024 19:41

You lied to him for 5 years?! Tbh that's not going to be the best start! Did your mum know?

That’s true I have felt guilty about it, but I honestly think his reaction would’ve been worse if I told him from the beginning. Also, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know it’s been 5 years as my mum has never asked me how long we’ve been together so wouldn’t know this but does know we’ve been together for some time

OP posts:
RockyRogue1001 · 30/04/2024 20:01

Do you live at home?

Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 20:05

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 19:41

Why hasn't he met him and why five years to tell DF?

My fault for waiting so long, I just didn’t feel he’d react well at all. I still didn’t think he would now but I’m fed up of hiding.

regarding not meeting, my family are quite weird with this. My two older brothers have both had girlfriends my parents have known about however neither showed any inclination to meet them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 20:05

TTPD · 30/04/2024 19:47

I get this may be normalish for some dad

Getting in a sulk over a 25 year old being in a committed long term relationship is not normal. It's frankly pathetic.
The fact you've felt like it was necessary to hide this and lie for 5 years is not normal.

(Unless his sulking is more to do with the fact he's been lied to for 5 years, rather than the relationship itself?)

Thanks for your perspective. Just to clarify it’s definitely not the length of the relationship, it’s just the idea of me being in a relationship

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 20:07

It sounds like a strange set-up altogether that your family has, OP, and up to now you've regarded this as normal because to you it IS normal.

You definitely need help with this, I'm sure someone can suggest the best way to tackle it.

Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 20:10

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 19:51

(Unless his sulking is more to do with the fact he's been lied to for 5 years, rather than the relationship itself?)

That does slightly change the context. I'd be pissed off if a (hypothetical) DD came to me and said 'guess what, I've been going out with X for five years and decided not to tell you until now.'

How on earth did you keep that quiet for FIVE YEARS? what about holidays, visits to your place, casual mentions about daily life and happenings?

I completely understand that and would feel the same way, I just thought it would be best for everyone involved due to his nature, and I still do think this tbh. For context, when I went against something he wanted me to do educationally, he stopped speaking to me for two weeks

OP posts:
HelloJillll · 30/04/2024 20:10

It’s almost creepy that he’s sulking because his 25 year old daughter has a boyfriend. I would move out asap & live a happy (& normal) life.

Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 20:11

AgreeableDragon · 30/04/2024 19:54

The way you have written this OP suggests that you have been living with these strange ideas of your dads that it has become normalised. Trust me and these other posters, his attitude is NOT normal.

But, I have a question. Are you in the U.K? And is this a cultural thing rather than just your dad’s views.

Hi I think you’re right to an extent. I know it’s not normal but it’s MY normal if that makes sense?

I am in the UK, my dad isn’t British but I really don’t think there’s anything cultural at play based on his cultural background and the experiences of other family members and friends of the same culture

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 20:11

RockyRogue1001 · 30/04/2024 20:01

Do you live at home?

No I don’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpagirlout24 · 30/04/2024 20:13

HelloJillll · 30/04/2024 20:10

It’s almost creepy that he’s sulking because his 25 year old daughter has a boyfriend. I would move out asap & live a happy (& normal) life.

Thanks, I actually don’t live at home anymore but I think I still have a strong desire to please my dad which I’m slowly getting out of. I think more than anything even if he doesn’t like my decisions I still want to be respectful to him and not ruin my relationship with him. However I’m afraid this may have ruined our relationship

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/04/2024 20:15

Your dad is a prize manipulator. Any time yu do something he doesn't like, he gives you the silent treatment and the sulks. So you don't tell him anything. And then when you do, you get the silent treatment and the sulks. So you don't tell him anything. The two of you are caught in this cycle.

Is this just you, or everybody? tbh, it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship to ruin.

LarkRiseSummer · 30/04/2024 20:16

If you having a boyfriend at the age of 25 (!) is going to ruin your relationship with your father, that's entirely on him. You've done nothing wrong. I was married by your age!