Dad upset about my relationship..

[Helpagirlout24]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice about my situation.

I’m 25 and have been in a relationship for 5 years. My dad is extremely strict and still sees me as a child, and has previously said things to me that gave the impression that he thought I would get into my first relationship at 35😂.

Anyways, as it’s been such a long time I decided my dad should know, so I asked my mum to tell him. He took it very badly to say the least and doesn’t want to talk about it, he’s very upset and thinks I’m now going to give up on my career goals (?).

I get this may be normalish for some dads, but he is sulking quite a lot and it’s making me feel quite guilty. Is there anything I can do to make him feel a bit better or do you think to just give him time? Also, do you think it’s something I should bring up with him?

Reading the OP and the subsequent follow ups, I could almost have written them word for word myself over a relationship I had when I first qualified in my profession, the first pupil from my academic hot house school to get onto this course. He also criticised grades he didn't perceive as high enough, my choice of degree, my choice of university, none of which were good enough for his version of how my life should be.

Your father probably also has a view that once you do marry, on his timelines, to a man he has approved, that you should then give up your career to raise children. This will become a future stick to beat you with, if you live your life according to your wishes.

I was the apple of his eye as a little girl. He couldn't accept me as an autonomous adult in my own right, let alone one who had boyfriends, who had sex etc.

I spent far too many years trying to please and appease my father. It has caused me and my family vast amounts of harm. He still tries to get me to dance to his tune through my brothers and they are getting increasingly angry that I will no longer do, which means I am now losing them.

I wish there had been MN when I was in my early 20s and someone had opened my eyes to what my father was doing. Instead, it took until my 50s, and my own marriage imploding because I didn't see how distorted his behaviour towards me, my husband and my children was. We are working on putting the marriage back together but it has been brutal and incredibly painful. The patterns of our past are so often repeated because that is what we know, what is familiar.

I beg you please get professional support now, to deal with the tendrils of his control that you won't necessarily be seeing yet. It will be worth it

The only possible way to proceed is to live your life the way you want to and not give your fathers opinions on it any thought at all.

It's your life, you get to make the choices about it, not him. He can choose to be upset about it, he can choose to cut you off, but those choices are on him, not you.

Glad you're planning therapy, because the urge to get through to a parent and for them to hear reason and see you as a real person, it's hardwi into us.

I tried for 3 years until I lost my fucking shit and screamed at my mother, I gave them proof that the problem is me.

My therapist helped me a lot. I knew I was not being unreasonable, but their determination not to hear me was absolute and there was a range of defense mechanisms at play, and a rang of strategies to avoid hearing my pov.

4 years since I tried to communicate something important to them and they've had not one glimmer of insight in 4 years, so, id base your therapy on how to accept this.

I had the wrong focus, I was so hurt, I thought being heard would alleviate the pain.