Dad upset about my relationship..

[Helpagirlout24]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice about my situation.

I’m 25 and have been in a relationship for 5 years. My dad is extremely strict and still sees me as a child, and has previously said things to me that gave the impression that he thought I would get into my first relationship at 35😂.

Anyways, as it’s been such a long time I decided my dad should know, so I asked my mum to tell him. He took it very badly to say the least and doesn’t want to talk about it, he’s very upset and thinks I’m now going to give up on my career goals (?).

I get this may be normalish for some dads, but he is sulking quite a lot and it’s making me feel quite guilty. Is there anything I can do to make him feel a bit better or do you think to just give him time? Also, do you think it’s something I should bring up with him?

He is a terrivble, abusive, controlling father. His behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you.

He is COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE to even think about sulking that you, an adult aged 25, are in a relationship.

Op, I'd recommend counselling For you, and going low contact or no contact with your crazy dad. Your whole family setup sounds dysfunctional.

Oh my love, you and your actions haven’t ruined anything. You can’t & shouldn’t live on egg shells.

I’d love to know your mum’s opinion on all of this.

Your dad is weird af.

I have had friends who have had this issue of a controlling dad. In general it pushes a wedge between them. How old was your mum when she met and married your dad?

I would say he does this to the women in his life, rather than his sons/other males.

I know it probably sounds like that from the post, but although we have a complex relationship due to his personality we do generally have a positive relationship, it’s just not conventional

Good lord! I was married and had two children by the time I was 25 (and I'm a deputy head teacher so my career has done ok 👌🏻)

Your father sounds very manipulative and controlling. And a bit weird! Just ignore his nonsense and move on with your life OP...there's no place in it for this sort of behaviour!

Thanks, this is how I feel tbh. I would like to be married and have children young however if this is his reaction to a boyfriend I’m scared about his reaction to marriage and children in the near future. I don’t really know how to proceed tbh

Although he has his faults his does have positive qualities too and I would be sad to go no contact with him so hopefully that’s not the only resolution, though I appreciate your input.

I think counselling is a great idea and may help me build a backbone and develop firm but respectful boundaries

You’re right, I guess I just don’t know how to find the middle ground and stand up for myself/my choices a bit more.

My mum is on my side and thinks he needs to get over it and remember I’m not a child. But she also expected this reaction so nobody is surprised

This book may help OP:
https://amzn.to/4aYIi8g If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuarth
https://amzn.to/3JEHZDN - A Woman in Your Own Right: The Art of Assertive, Clear and Honest Communication may also be useful.

Good luck. Your dad's attitude is not normal, and not healthy.

I would say he does this to the women in his life, rather than his sons/other males

A misogynistic bully as well, then. I'm a bit baffled as to how you have a 'positive relationship' with someone who gives you the silent treatment for two weeks whenever you upset him. Presumably this relationship is OK as long as you do what he expects you to.

What is your DF's culture?

Im actually not too sure how old they were when they met! (Sure mum has told me but I don’t really remember). She did start having children in her 30s. They are not married but together. I think his issue is that he planned out my life and I’m deviating from that.

I think he envisioned me starting my career and making a lot of money, then thinking about relationships later. However my long term career goal is very difficult to achieve and will take many years due to length of study, competitive training pathway etc so I think it would be better to start a family and finish pursuing my career when I have school-aged children (which the majority of people pursuing this career do). I’m currently in a decent paying job (40k) which I’m happy with at the moment and there is scope for progression and it is related to my career pathway. But this isn’t what he envisioned for me and I think he’s struggling with me deviating from his pathway.

Thank you so much I really appreciate this!

It's not normal AT ALL 😳 you're an adult woman, it's perfectly reasonable for you to be in a relationship. The fact that you're worried about your dad's approval is the problem. You don't have to please him. He's the only one responsible for his wierd beliefs, you are not. If I were you, I'd get some counselling to help you start to let go of your need to please your father.

OP, if you (and your partner) want to get married, you get married. If you (and your partner) want children, have children.

You can't live your life for someone else. It's your life, you only get the one, and living a sad, repressed life just because 'someone else might not like it' if you behave differently will impact you forever. You can still respect your dad and honour him, but you do not have to sublimate everything you want to do before his desires for your life.

It's your life.

Hi everyone,

Just thought I’d give an update for anyone who may be interested. My dad is refusing to speak to me and has said he’s done with me. I am sad about this but also feel angry at his reaction

Thank you all for your input and advice

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

He is, of course, attempting to manipulate you into dropping your relationship and returning to the path he has mapped for you in his head.

Use that anger to stay strong, and to live your life on your terms.

Mumsnet is always here to let you blow off steam.

I'm so sorry that your dad is treating you this way 😔 you have done nothing wrong and the fault is all his. What a stupid man to deprive himself of a lovely daughter. It's absolutely his loss 💐

*He is a terrivble, abusive, controlling father. His behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you.

He is COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE to even think about sulking that you, an adult aged 25, are in a relationship.

Op, I'd recommend counselling For you, and going low contact or no contact with your crazy dad. Your whole family setup sounds dysfunctional.*

All of this. I'd like to add that this is extremely creepy behaviour. OP I know you said that you think it's because he wants you to focus on your career...but I don't think it's that. You are perfectly capable of having a career as well as a boyfriend (eventually a husband). No, this sounds like he's jealous and thinks he owns you.

Even at 35 I'd bet his reaction would be the same, but with a different excuse for it.

An abusive person seeming to have a few good qualities, which come out when you're behaving exactly as they would like (or to rope you back in if they feel they are losing control of you) does not a good relationship make. There is nothing positive about this.

I would be no contact with him if I were you. Seems like he just made that decision for you. I hope you can realize for yourself that no contact with him is the healthiest option for you and to also want no contact for yourself, not just because he is now imposing it on you.

Should he decide that you are once again worthy of his abusive behaviour...you be the one to say no, we're done here.

Just thought I’d give an update for anyone who may be interested. My dad is refusing to speak to me and has said he’s done with me. I am sad about this but also feel angry at his reaction

His thinking is that you'll come crawling back, tell him you've dumped the BF and ask what you can do to get his love back - which of course means living your life as HE wants you o. Seen it here so many times, except in the context of partners, not father and daughter. You're right to feel sad, and you're right to feel angry. Mom2K gives very good advice.

Trust me, your dad will get over it. If he doesn’t, then there is something seriously wrong.

Just out of sheer curiosity, what age was your mum when he met her?

Get yourself a very good counsellor.

Does he control your mum as well?

He sounds very controlling is he like this with your mum and siblings?

I can see why you hid your relationship, I’m just sorry you felt the need to because of your father having unreasonable expectations and thinking he should, or is even entitled to be in control of your life. He isn’t, and you need to make some clear boundaries now.
Thinking you’re going to give up a career because of a long term relationship seems very old fashioned to me. Does he have old fashioned views of women?