Dad upset about my relationship..

[Helpagirlout24]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice about my situation.

I’m 25 and have been in a relationship for 5 years. My dad is extremely strict and still sees me as a child, and has previously said things to me that gave the impression that he thought I would get into my first relationship at 35😂.

Anyways, as it’s been such a long time I decided my dad should know, so I asked my mum to tell him. He took it very badly to say the least and doesn’t want to talk about it, he’s very upset and thinks I’m now going to give up on my career goals (?).

I get this may be normalish for some dads, but he is sulking quite a lot and it’s making me feel quite guilty. Is there anything I can do to make him feel a bit better or do you think to just give him time? Also, do you think it’s something I should bring up with him?

Sorry, OP, but your dad is an abusive bully. Typical shit behaviour of not talking to you because you’re not doing what he wants but it’s ok for your brothers to be in relationships? Nah, bar keeping a lifeline open for your poor mother, I’d drop all contact. He’s being pathetic.

Oh OP - he is completely in the wrong and his reaction is incredibly unhealthy. To the point of deranged.

Stay strong. Life your life. He will probably come around in time in a grumbling sort of way. In the meantime remember you are an adult with human rights, not an extension of his consciousness! Maybe the separation - probably temporary - will be good for you. But I do understand it must feel painful right now.

His behaviour is far, far from normal or healthy or reasonable.

You have done a very normal thing, by being in a relationship. You've done nothing wrong.

He however seems to think he owns you, that he can make decisions about your life, that his happiness is more important than yours.

This is not the behaviour of a loving parent. It's the behaviour of a controlling person who doesn't respect your ability to make your own decisions, who thinks he knows best, and in any case he wants to make himself happy, not you.

His sulking is entirely on him. Ignore him. Don't beg. Don't try to reason. There is no reasoning with him. Of you beg or cajol you will feed his opinion that you're in the wrong. Go and be happy. He may come around and apologise one day, but if not - remember that it was his choice to walk away from your relationship.

So he controls all women withholding attention and being coercive it's abuse.

I totally agree. It's creepy and very unhealthy.

OP you need to be very careful IMO. Totally not normal.

You're a grown woman, he's far, far too controlling.

His loss, your gain. Don't go back grovelling to him, live your life without him. If he comes back, you're in the driving seat.

No-one but you is in charge of your life. Do what you want to do, not your Father.

Your anger is completely justified. He is manipulative, controlling and puts himself and HIS vision of your life above yours. That is disrespectful, and where there is no respect, there is no love. Claim your OWN life, OP. He doesn't get to live his life and yours, too.

I don't understand how you've hidden a 5 year relationship? Don't you live together? Spend Christmas and your birthdays together? Go on holiday together? Absolutely crazy.

Just get on with your life and let your dad thorw his tantrums, he'll stop when he realises it doesn't work, just like my 3yo.

He has cut you out? What an immature man. His loss, Your gain. Carry on living your life OP!

Oh my good op this is horrible but if he said he’s ‘done’ then you are now free from his abusive ways

💐

Do you have Siblings?

IMO this is abuse. You are your own adult. It will only get worse. He will expect you to stand up as they get older and provide support and care. You need to draw a line now. Totally unacceptable.

Hi OP, I’d put the relationship with your dad on ice for a bit. This is protest behaviour from him. It’s designed to pull you back in and beg him for forgiveness as he is unable to cope with his own emotions. Its not your job to manage them. He is not going anywhere.

BUT please do read ‘Doing the work’ by Dr Nicole LePera. She is also on social media. It’s absolutely facinating at how we are shaped as adults by how our parents treated us as children. Your dad most likely isn’t a bad man and has issues from his own childhood which he then passed on to you.

The book will really help you navigate these situations and learn how not to keep the toxic dynamic unfolding. You don’t need to go no contact but you do need to put some boundaries in place.

I don't know why people are scared to ask these questions as this is anonymous but could you let us know where he is from and what your career is? These are not outing

OP your father is a prize manipulator and I would massively reduce any interactions you have with him. It is interesting to note that you said your parents aren't married despite having been in a relationship for over 30 years. He is used to bullying and manipulating women o that he gets his own way. You are much better off keeping well away from him and I'd suggest you get some counselling so you can live your life without feeling a level of guilt which you shouldn't feel in a normal parent daughter relationship.

Wow. Interesting family dynamics here. You grew up colluding with a version of reality that made your father comfortable ie, that you are a little girl. Your mother also enabled it.

Also, I'm not judging, as so often in these situations, you collude with the family narrative or you're met with cold shoulder, disapproval, et cetera. In other words "make me feel comfortable again".

Try not to defend yourself as it feeds into the existing narrative that YOU have upset him. That you need to win back his approval. That his sense of discomfort is your fault.

You're only 25 so don't double down on this partner in a "But Daddy I love him" style. Remain tight-lipped. You don't want anything you say held up as proof later (that you do need a man, that you did hand over your autonomy)

At this point in your life you're still assessing. Does your partner take the lead in the relationship. Is there a narrative in the relationship that you don't challenge?

Just observe

I dont think it matters where he's from. Growing up in the uk (?) you colluded with a narrative that made him comfortable at the expense of your freedom and integrity. This happens all over the world.

This makes me feel that the family dynamics are dysfunctional. When you're all together, just your family of origin, no partners, can it be calm? But like, surface level calm?

Would you talk to your brothers? Or has everybody drunk the family cool aid. Like having a significant relationship outside of the family is a bit taboo and embarrassing?

I'd throw a clue to your brothers in a way that allows them to back you up one small step at a time. Ie I can have relationships and friendships outside of this family and still value the family"

At the moment it seems like your brothers also play this game. They keep their worlds apart. They don't make your dad confront the fact that they may have their own family one day.

No this isn't normal

He sounds like a terrible, manipulative little man.

When we are children our parent/s are the centre of our world and they are all powerful.

It is the parents responsibility to keep the child safe but equip them with the life skills to reach adulthood and to flourish.

We the parents must learn to let go and hope that all our good decisions in the past will help our grownup children make good decisions in their own future.

The children in turn must grow and in doing so learn that their once infallible parents are merely human with faults of their own.

They must go from loving their parents unconditionally and always wanting approval to loving them as the flawed people they are. They need to be able to enjoy approval if it is given by the parents, but also able to forge their own life and make their own decisions without guilt and fear of disapproval from the parent.

Your father has obviously been unable to see that you have a right to grow up and live your own life. He sounds like he has misogynistic views.

You also need to work on separating emotionally from him - his approval is nice, but if he is wrong -as he is - then you don’t need his blessing. Start by trying to make other people who care for you, more important to you than your father.

Your situation is very, very common, but a lot more extreme than most. So many people live with the guilt and worry about not living up to their parent’s expectations.

That is absolutely not normal, OP. It’s verging on creepy and sinister.
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thanKyouaIMee · 30/04/2024 19:41
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You lied to him for 5 years?! Tbh that's not going to be the best start! Did your mum know?”

Dont be ridiculous. No adult is obliged to tell any other adult the details of their personal life. OP did not lie, she simply chose not to inform her parents. Which is her prerogative.

If it's not a cultural issue with him, his reaction is a bit Victorian to say the least!
If he's sulking - let him stew! He sounds very jealous and manipulative and maybe your DM does not have the gumption to stand up to him and enables his behaviour. It will be interesting to see if their behaviour towards their DCs partners pivots when grandchildren come along!
As you don't live with him at least you won't see it on a daily basis, so take a deep breath and get on with your life, and be aware of him using relatives as "flying monkeys" when he tries to guilt trip you after his sulking doesnt get a response!

Here's another book for you to read or listen to.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B0CL6FBBRR/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0LyjSW9qQA7RIJINtRtWMYw9PSf5tXZ5Z27cj0UJpAQbREqAF9YPWVgRkkQJDSVhZAvFfnA7dxrY2z7MUxj8Ab0fMQ56cE1pulo77VqDMYc5OTE9jk3cL8NrV7LHjHR64atbVEKTiDzekxEuTQw9Eq24sCsh8MAvrhNmmTp0NKlPG5KEjw7TfSNlY-M7wnLc1TN9fNRllCw66TpogwHozQ.Vl_Y9XOa8DVNV42Rce1BNHWxISCcoAlGwtTZX-HpMeU&qid=1714904945&sr=8-1

Your dad is a controlling asshole. His rules are that you are not in his life unless you behave exactly as he wants. You are in or you are OUT.

This is not the behaviour of a loving parent. He was damaged in his childhood but has not examined why he thinks the way he does. Your mother has enabled this by also not questioning whether the way he treated his child was acceptable, and allowed him to abuse you.

Make no mistake about it, you have been badly emotionally abused. This will take a long time to deal with, even with professional help.

I'd also recommend looking at the Stately Homes thread here. Lots of us who had narcissistic or otherwise abusive parents support each other there.

My dad couldn’t understand why our boyfriends were in his house when I was 20 and my sister 19 (we’d never invited anyone in before then). My mom told him to get a hold of himself, as it was the safest place for us to be, and he sorted himself out quickly.

Having such strong feelings at a 25 yr old is a bit 😬. He’ll get used to it, but only after you’ve stopped hiding and walking on eggshells around him.

I mirror most of the remarks made by PPs, would also like to add that you should be careful not to become a "dad man pleaser" and accept this unacceptable behaviour from your present partner, or any future partners.