Cognitive dissonance re. parents' lack of intelligence making me truly miserable

[lancia24]

My parents are in their seventies but this is not an age-related issue, they've always been the same.

I've come to realise that 24/7 my whole life I've been psychologically bending over backwards and tying myself in knots to not to acknowledge just how airheaded my parents are.

I know it sounds cruel, but the evidence is simply overwhelming, and it's caused real problems.

Examples my seem trivial but this is hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, year by year...:

My eight year-old niece visits DM/DP & wants to go to a Disney Store. DM/her grandmother insists there's one in the nearest town. Swears blind. Literally refuses to check online and insists 'nicely' nobody else needs to. Family trip to town, no Disney store, devastated (and confused) niece, and no apology (just a lot of 'well I could have sworn' etc.).

Problem with mice. They have bird feeders too close to the front door. The birds drop food, which attracts the mice, who end up venturing into the house. Takes literally years to persuade them of this. Finally, after bird feeders have been gone for a few months, no more mice. Their response? Put the bird feeders back out, because the mice have gone.

I could go on forever. It has always revealed itself when we've watched films/TV together too - they honestly don't pick up on any subtlety whatsoever, no emotional grey areas, no piognancy etc. If it's not white hats vs. black hats and the white hats win, they don't understand.

And yet when I was a child - as I'm sure all children are - they seem to have indoctrinated me with programming that makes it impossible to see that they are stupid. I seem cursed to entangle myself with trying to figure out why they do the hundreds of things they do, as in, why non-stupid people would do the things they do...

There must be people out there experiencing something similar, surely...? How do you deal with it?

How the hell are you managing to retrospectively blame OP for her parents' upbringing?

I don't believe I am blissfully unaware. Not with two parents who left school at 15. Both dead now. And I kind of wish I'd been more patient, kind and understanding to both of them.
I think the thread has hit a nerve for one who is still grieving and feels guilt.

That's a tenuous misunderstanding of statistics and distribution. Yes, there will be an exact median point, below which half of people will lie. But the majority of people will be clustered around the average, with no clear definition of where the average is or where exactly they are in relation to it.

These differences above and below the average only become apparent when you move a meaningful distance away from it.

Perhaps they've never encountered them for any length of time

That's a generous way of looking at it. Seeing it another way, we could be witnessing the Dunning-Kruger effect in full spate.

This thing about the average IQ being 100 . . .is that a mean median or a mode average??
(I appreciate I may also have a tenuous understanding of these matters👀🤭)

I don't think you understand what irony is, let alone having a button for it.

This is a really interesting thread. There is a lot of nuance in many of the posts and I don’t think it’s right to shout people down saying they are being rude or mean. I can understand how living with parents like the ones mentioned upthread would be very difficult.

As IQ scores are normally distributed then it makes no difference

Yes, I'm missing the point.

It took a surprisingly long time for anyone to post this. The average is very clearly defined: as an index, it's the median, modal and mean value for the cohort being tested. Couldn't be any clearer than that!

Sixty-eight percent of scores fall within 15 points of the average, so between 85 and 115 IQ. You could reasonably say that most people's IQ is 85-115. But thirty points represents a huge functional difference.

An IQ of 100 represents roughly the reading and arithmetic abilities of an average 11 year old. People with an IQ of 70 or less have a learning difficulty.

If someone's IQ is average or less, it's no more their fault than being deaf or having autism. Like other birth disadvantages, it has real effects and it's absurd to pretend it doesn't.

Interestingly, general intelligence increases by almost 3 points per decade (the Flynn effect). This isn't consistent across all cohorts, but it's steady enough to be something of a mystery. A person who scored 100 in 1930 would only score about 80 today. Nobody's sure what this means, though education does have a positive effect on IQ score. Even more mysteriously, old people's scores have started to increase again! (I assume those studies excluded people with dementia; didn't check.)

The fact remains that around half the population has low general intelligence. It's not an insult to say so. People with greater abilities need to make allowances. That's pretty tough if they're only a child, making allowances for their parents.

I do know that some parents of very bright children find it hard. Simply because their children are smarter than them and they know it. Yes you might have some pride in their ability but... it will also separate you in the end. You are no so stupid as not to realise that the child is not going to be like you, and a lot of people find that hard.

The fish tank example is awful. But I have seen that in other families too. The parent knows on some level that the child they have is smarter. This can lead to resentment and ill treatment or neglect.

I know loads of people like this.

I assume she does, they shouldn't have had children.

A bit off topic, but there are all sorts of reasons why parents might have widely differing intelligence levels from their children (and why the Flynn effect mentioned by Garlicked above might be happening).

Nutrition, especially in early childhood.

Birth injuries, e.g. oxygen deprivation.

Childhood illnesses, especially those involving high fever.

Traumatic brain injuries - I think more common and less well treated in the past. How many modern kids are repeatedly heading a heavy leather football, or getting knocked out for a few seconds on the rugby field and then playing on for the rest of the game?

Lead in car petrol - now removed, but caused measurable issues for kids housed near busy roads in its time.

Education and general mental stimulation in childhood.

Plus genetics can just be a bit of a lottery anyway.

This is just off the top of my head - I'm sure there are many more factors.

No, Polish emigree who lived in England for decades, surrounded by people who knew the general accepted meaning of the term '19th century'

Yes indeed, but it's not just that, it's the safety aspect, as in the fishtank incident a pp referred to. My own father nearly electrocuted me when I was 9 with his crazy diy wiring setup - I still have a scar where I touched something live.

Guy don't need no sense to be a nice fella. Seems to me sometimes it jus' works the other way around. Take a real smart guy and he ain't hardly ever a nice fella.
John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men

I am academically very able (scholarship to independent school after crap state primary, 3As at A level back in 1980s when this was rare, RG) and I have to say I'd agree with Steinbeck. Wouldn't want an intellectual to be looking after me if I was ill of frail- logical, conceptual but often lacking in empathy.

A book where the man who didn't have average intelligence killed somebody?

Interesting choice.

A book where the man who didn't have average intelligence killed somebody?

It borrows the structure of Greek tragedy and postulates the ending is inevitable because of the harshness of society. All the outsiders are doomed whether that's because of gender, race or disability. And Steinbeck suggests it is the 'smart' who have created the competitive, capitalist, hyper masculine society he is asking his reader to reject.

No problem, we'll send Lenny your way when you're old and need to be looked after. He can stroke your hair and be nice to you.

Regarding the relatives who go down weird rabbit holes on Youtube.

When my DD was ten she sometimes borrowed my laptop when the "family computer" was occupied. At first I was annoyed that she destroyed my Youtube and my Pinterest algorithms, but then I started a lot of Marie Condo and other organizing videos. I didn't necessarily stay to watch them. But my Youtube and Pinterest then started suggesting other videos and pins within that topic. Her room became more tidy. Not Marie Condo tidy but more tidy than before.

I also clicked "Not interested" in a lot of the types of videos I didn't want to see or hear about from her.

In short: if you have access to their computers you can do something about it.

Omg someone loses their keys and they're stupid?
A lot of you sound like arseholes.

Dear @Threewordseightletters · Today 19:34 You wrote: "Wouldn't want an intellectual to be looking after me if I was ill of frail- logical, conceptual but often lacking in empathy."

You are confusing "intellectual" with someone who scores high in IQ tests due to being autistic. Intellectuals usually have both a high IQ and a high EQ.

If you are seriously ill, you really don't want someone who is thick looking after you. Having someone who is thick looking after you means that you illness will become more humiliating, dangerous and unpleasant than it would otherwise.

An illness that shouldn't cause permanent damage will now cause permanent damage. An illness that shouldn't have killed you now might just do that. Your frailty that shouldn't have caused more than some inconvenience now means that you have lost all your money. They are more likely to bleat about your private affairs all over town.

And to all those posters who are calling the posters venting on this thread "unkind": It is telling that you cannot see the irony in that.

Define thick.

Yeah, I did GCSE English as well, thanks.

When it comes down to it, it is a story where the person who did not have the intellectual capacity to keep a mouse alive killed a woman. It's not an argument for Lenny to be the model for parenting.

Sadly this is very true. The 'who do you think you are' mentality is alive and well in the UK.