Cognitive dissonance re. parents' lack of intelligence making me truly miserable

[lancia24]

My parents are in their seventies but this is not an age-related issue, they've always been the same.

I've come to realise that 24/7 my whole life I've been psychologically bending over backwards and tying myself in knots to not to acknowledge just how airheaded my parents are.

I know it sounds cruel, but the evidence is simply overwhelming, and it's caused real problems.

Examples my seem trivial but this is hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, year by year...:

My eight year-old niece visits DM/DP & wants to go to a Disney Store. DM/her grandmother insists there's one in the nearest town. Swears blind. Literally refuses to check online and insists 'nicely' nobody else needs to. Family trip to town, no Disney store, devastated (and confused) niece, and no apology (just a lot of 'well I could have sworn' etc.).

Problem with mice. They have bird feeders too close to the front door. The birds drop food, which attracts the mice, who end up venturing into the house. Takes literally years to persuade them of this. Finally, after bird feeders have been gone for a few months, no more mice. Their response? Put the bird feeders back out, because the mice have gone.

I could go on forever. It has always revealed itself when we've watched films/TV together too - they honestly don't pick up on any subtlety whatsoever, no emotional grey areas, no piognancy etc. If it's not white hats vs. black hats and the white hats win, they don't understand.

And yet when I was a child - as I'm sure all children are - they seem to have indoctrinated me with programming that makes it impossible to see that they are stupid. I seem cursed to entangle myself with trying to figure out why they do the hundreds of things they do, as in, why non-stupid people would do the things they do...

There must be people out there experiencing something similar, surely...? How do you deal with it?

I understand, OP. My own dad was semiliterate, and my mum never completed her education as a result of WW2. She was taken away by Nazis at the age of 15 to do forced labour. English was not their first language and my father struggled with it all his adult life. They were both hardworking, struggling to put food on the table for me and my sister. I felt like a changeling really. It was hard for me to get my head around the fact that my intellectual capacity was so different from theirs even after making generous allowances for the fact that the war disrupted their learning. I went on to uni to do English Lit. I did love my parents but I used to think that I must have been adopted. I mean, my mum went through her whole adult life thinking she was born in the 19th century because the date started with 19...

Just because they didnt finish their education doesnt mean they dont have intwllectual capacity. My Dad left school at 12 in Cyprus. He was highly intelligent, just it was wasted and used in the wrong way. My Mum went to grammar school and was mafe to leave before her exams , again intelligent

Sure, but you’re talking about your parents. The poster you’re responding to clearly says she’s ’made generous allowance’ for their disrupted education, but feels her own parents were of low intelligence regardless.

Yes, I realise that, but in my poor old dad's case more education wouldn't have made a difference. I think everyone has their own kind of intelligence and wisdom, expressing itself in different ways. My parents' way was just very different from my way. My mum was a genius at the sewing machine, whereas I only have to look at one to jinx it to snarl up

Its unusual for people to acknowledge being below average intelligence yet 50% of us are exactly that.

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@blindedbythelamp you can just watch the thread you know instead of typing a full stop and annoying everyone on it.

I've had that comment on MN though. Junior being used to mean someone young, so senior must mean someone old (and both words can also mean those things).
Was she a housewife for most of her life?

"my mum went through her whole adult life thinking she was born in the 19th century because the date started with 19..."

I think this is totally logical.
Koreans start their age at 1 rather than 0. That's also somewhat logical and Americans call the ground floor the 1st floor - I can see the logic there too.

Apparently, youngsters now refer to the whole of the 19th Century as the 1900s.

But the 19th Century = the 1800s?

Judgy thread

Your poor parents

I totally get this, and the WORST is when it's something that I then have to fix!! I'm already completely full up mentally and physically looking after my own home with my own family, helping mum, helping dad, helping sister and when something fucking unnecessary is done, and done WRONG I could scream! I get it OP

Yes, I know, but I can see how people might think it was the one starting with 19.

Ah, but you mean in relation to my saying young people refer to the whole of the 19th Century as the 1900s. Yes, I suppose it's not wrong, but I personally think of the 1900s as 1900 to 1910 and I think that's common among people who remember the 20th Century.

Are we not allowed to mention anybody's weak points?

Similar to why the OP's parents won't ever be able to comprehend their own stupidity, many posters on this thread will never be able to comprehend the OP's post.

That's because they don't have parents who are as thick as mince. I thanked my lucky stars that I have intelligent parents when I met an ex boyfriend's parents years ago. Intelligence doesn't need to mean Mensa as some idiotic poster said 🙄 Such responses, again, show that people don't understand what the OP is talking about.

There are plenty of adults floating about this planet with the reading skills of primary school children, functionally illiterate, with no ability to logically reason, who simply muddle by somehow floating just above the level of diagnosis. They often cause immeasurable damage to their children. If you've never experienced it, you will struggle to comprehend it. My gran is a complete simpleton. I love her. She's kind and fun (mostly), but I'm grateful I didn't have the childhood my father did. It is a damaging environment for a child. Ditto for my mother and her mother. She and her siblings were raised by someone who didn't intellectually or emotionally mature past the age of 14 and it has damaged all of her children.

Not everything needs a sympathetic label. Some people are simply, utterly, woefully stupid.

Not everything needs a sympathetic label. Some people are simply, utterly, woefully stupid.

And some people are simply, utterly, woefully unkind.

I know which I would rather be seen as. This thread is just awful.

Brilliant reply. Many people I know can identify with this.

I genuinely find these replies puzzling.

A lot of people are comparatively ‘kind’. It makes no difference to the difficulties created for their children if they are also of low intelligence.

Wow what an unpleasant person you must be
Using phrases like 'thick as mince' 'woefully stupid'
There are many different kinds of intelligence, I suggest it's pretty stupid to give people labels like that

I think you deal with it by accepting that everyone is different.

I'm not sure you are in the UK so can't speak for your own country but here in the UK education looked very different 60 years ago. One of my parents is undoubtedly dyslexic but had no support with this at school, was just constantly caned for getting it wrong. They left school with zero academic qualifications. The other suffered childhood trauma which was again ignored and manifested with some mental health issues, they now struggle with executive functioning.

Rather than ridicule them I try to support them where I can and try not to judge them when they make choices I can see are the wrong thing (parents never want to be told they are wrong by their kids) And I try not to be frustrated when they cannot work out online forms / banking / how to work their mobile phone etc.

@CancelledCheque Part of the frustration there must be that they don't listen to you, or don't learn from their past mistakes.

@AirGappedServerScrapings Sorry to hear that :( That is so many.

@AmethystSparkles How was she with people?

The ability and imagination to put one's self into other people's mindset, to sift through many possibilities and learn patterns is important to avoiding scammers. I'm not sure if things like mathematical ability is quite like that. It relies on the fact that every number, every piece is perfectly formed and fit into all other pieces, if arranged correctly. I'm sure they do use pattern recognition, but I don't think it would get them very far without a deeper understanding of how numbers work.

My ex used to work with intelligent men in the cyber world. Although they would probably surpass many people with certain abilities, they weren't necessarily intellectual (and neither was their conversation). I met a few of them once and despite being in their mid 20s and older, they reminded me of awkward, emotionally immature 15 year old boys. One guy was a proper gym bro and I don't think he read anything that would be considered intellectual outside of his work & field.

It reminded me of what I experienced in school - some of the people in the top sets had fucking boring conversation. They had the ability, but that's different from intellectual interest.

Is the mum Korean or American?!

Unkind I assume rather than stupid? Agree with the previous op, people seem to forget that these people are in charge of babies and children. You should have to pass tests to have children, the damage parents do.