I know... another OLD thread 🙄

[Wanttoeatbutwhat]

I know old threads are done to death so feel free to scroll on by but I want to vent.

What is it with old these days and literally no effort on the male part? Is it the same for men? Are women just as difficult to engage in conversation? I understand that messaging isn't for everyone but surely with old that's the nature of the beast to start off with? Do these men ever get any dates when they honestly show no signs of being able to hold a conversation? I'm so fed up with asking questions, trying to prompt them to ask me something, anything back only to be met with a big fat brick wall. No wonder these men are single! It takes effort, I get that but surely by your mid-50's you understand the nuance of a two-way conversation?!

As you were. Rant over 😫

Amen to that.

Not that I’ve found. They’re all pretty much a muchness even the paid ones

Yes its the same with my group of single friends. Trying to strike up any sort of reasonable conversation is just so difficult that it becomes boring and quite frankly hard work. I appreciate that some find the initial stages of these conversations dull but surely it's all part of getting to know someone, to find out if you are compatible or not. For example I have children still living at home with me, I don't publish this information on my profile so unless we have that conversation how will they know this? It might be that they want to date someone with older children only so it's important to ask these questions.

Don't get me started on the sex messages. It's honestly vile. Funny how they can go from "hi" or "lol" to suddenly full paragraphs of text if they think they are going to get sex. And before anyone jumps on me, yes, I've tested this out on one of my monosyllabic matches. As soon as I turned the conversation slightly sexual anyone would think he was Jeffrey Archer 😂

As soon as I turned the conversation slightly sexual anyone would think he was Jeffrey Archer

...which is no recommendation.

Tale as old as time.

Not OLD, but about 20 years ago I had a guy "pursuing" me.

He would text me, I would reply, asking questions, instigating conversation etc. He would give a crappy reply, all about himself, not ask any questions....yet end every text message with "wb", which meant "write back".

God love me, I would try, mostly out of second hand embarrassment to be honest, but I quickly got fed up of it.

"Write back"? Write back? Saying what?? You've just killed the conversation, yet expect me to repeatedly revive it?!

Exhausting.

Unusually for me I went on a coffee date yesterday.
I usually wouldn’t have bothered as the text conversation was stilted at best (same as a lot of messages above - I make effort, ask questions, drop bits into conversation that might open it up to chat more etc) but we were both in the same area at the same time and I had some spare time so I thought sod it, why not.
And do you know what, I had a great time, 2 hours flew by and we got chucked out of the cafe as they were closing.
I suspect that’s the exception not the rule though! And I’m not looking for a long term partner so slightly different approach/perspective I guess than if I wanted serious dating (in which case I probably wouldn’t have wasted my time)

I’ve actually just had a really long first message on a dating app - explaining his ‘situation’ and why he’s still married but in name only 🙄

Funny how they find the words to justify cheating

Same the other way round it appears as echoing a previous poster 
My first message to match would involve picking a topic from her profile or from one of her photos and attempting a conversation starter.
Usually that's met with a one word answer... a small reply with no forwarding context or at worst ... "lol".
Most of the time they aren't even replied too which is disheartening to say the least.

I had a message this morning to which I replied back with a "sounds like an invitation or was it a dare?" comment to something he said. He replied "lol".... I mean.... what am I supposed to do with that?! I won't do anything, I literally cannot be bothered.

But why do you need to have so much conversation? Think what are the things that are important to you (maybe his job, height, what he is looking for, hometown etc), ask them, and then decide if you want to meet or not. Or jump on a quick phone call. I have briefly done online dating and cannot stand the whole inane chit chat of how was your day/weekend, what music do you like etc when you end up meeting the person and they are so different from you they portrayed themselves.

It isn't just the guys, so many women give very little back in chats, respond in a timely manner. Its very hard work

What was his message though? An invitation? Because if he is trying to ask you to meet and then you give this answer then it's kind of game playing. Leave the cuteness for the actual date or at least when you have met the guy once and you know there is mutual attraction

I like to have a few days messaging to see if we’re on the same wavelength. I’m not arranging to meet anyone I’ve not at least had done sort of chat with and it’s not inane questions about how their day is, it’s working out whether it’s worth getting dressed up to meet this person.

I like to at least agree at meet up after a few days but often it can be a couple of weeks until you’re both free so it’s best to build that rapport first

Tbh my male friends say it’s the same with many women so it’s probably not just tge men.

Its just disheartening for those of us who really do like getting to know someone that there’s so few people on same page out there.

No it wasn't an invitation. It was a reference to his job. I'm not being cute, trust me at 50 odd years old my cute days are over.

And as for having so much conversation, personally I won't go and meet someone I have no idea if I will get on with. Its not about having reams of conversations but surely some sort of effort/engagement is normal? Maybe not for some, but for me (and judging by the responses I've had, many others) I need to have some type of conversing before I'll agree to meet. And by that I mean more than "yeah"... "lol".... replies.

I also like to get a little conversation going. But find the day to day stuff boring. It's a balancing act!

I think my quickest meet was within 3 days & we arranged it on day 2. Normally it's a week or so.

If all I'm getting is 1 word answers then I'm never going to meet that person. That's just my personal preference though.

I can't bear the mundane How's your day been? Or worse the good morning texts every morning before you've even met!! I really don't need that. But if I've asked someone how's your weekend gone? Or "what do you do for a job", surely if you are interested then you ask the same back?! I don't know, maybe it is just me expecting too much. Its odd all these people saying they don't need conversation... so you go out on dates with literally random people who you know nothing about? I just couldn't do that!

The first few messages can be a bit mundane but they are starting the conversation and if there’s someone on same wavelength then it’s not boring and the chats flow.
I’ve been chatting to someone for a week and we find a lot to laugh about and it’s not all questions and answers.

I went on a date once with someone who said let’s not waste time messaging and so we met after 3 days - it was absolutely painful. He literally didn’t say a word. Sat nursing one orange juice for 30 minutes before we both decided we were wasting our time. I tried to engage him in conversation with he just replied with one word answers - it was dire.

I went on a similar date last week. It was excruciating. I'm good at conversation so tried to keep it going by being upbeat, sharing stories etc, getting him to talk... again he didn't ask a single thing from me. Not one question. Then text me the next day to say we were clearly both looking for different things. Which I wasn't at all bothered about but really wanted to reply....how the hell would you know what I was looking for as you never asked!!

There are also unreasonable expectations- I ended up blocking one guy who was demanding to know why I hadn't answered him, when my last message a couple of hours earlier had said I would be having a busy day at work and wouldn't be able to be on my phone till the evening.

I had one recently who sent me a message while I was out.
Then within the next hour sent me repeated messages

‘are you there’

’helloooooooooo’

’??????’

Then finally ‘oh another one who loves the attention but doesn’t actually want to chat - pathetic’

So when I finally got home and saw the messages I replied ‘or someone who has been out and isn’t glued to the apps 24/7’

He almost immediately replied ‘rude as well I’ve dodged a bullet’

So the only response to that was 👍 and block

I feel exactly like this.

For me, as soon as there's too many question marks, either in the chat itself or on the date itself, from either side, that means the conversation isn't flowing.

'Sooooooooo, what music do you like?' Etc. just give up.

Sorry , what does old stand for . I assume it's an abbreviation?

My point is not to have zero conversation, obviously those that reply LOL are just not very interested in you or in dating in general and just downloaded the app to see what's out there. But my suggestion was be to ask questions that matter to you (e.g. if they want a relaionship or just a shag) or if they are still married etc to quickly decide if they are worth meeting and then build the rapport on the first meeting.

For example I have a busy job that requires my full attention. Outside work, I am always doing something. I really struggle with back and forth chats with anyone, but can be quite entertaining and engaging on a phone call or in person. If you attempt to exchange texts with me I would be one of those "soooooo what type of music do you like" types!

Also, I have been burned too many times with men who sends loads of messages, are very interesting to talk to on the chat, but when meeting are unattractive, much older that their photos, want to sleep with you on the first date, or even are not looking to meet at all and just make excuses when you suggest meeting.

In the end, we are all different so maybe this approach wouldn't work for others, but I had better outcomes this way for the brief while that I did OLD