Where is he?

[MugginsMcMugface]

i only saw H this morning before i left early (7am) for a day out with my DD. He had plans to go out to watch the football with one of his mates. So he will have had a lie in, mooched around and got picked up around 1230. Then he would have started drinking and watched the match. His friend was picked up at 7pm as ive heard from his DW. So hes drunk but in bed. Its now 10pm and ive no idea where H is! No text/phone call. Im going bed soon.

im annoyed that no household jobs were done before he left, he got the iron and board out and left them up. Left a mountain of washing up on the side and the overflowing bin! AIBU to think he had all morning to do SOMETHING!? Last weekend he was away one night with friends, next weekend hes away overnight. Im getting annoyed with all this

'Yes, theres lots of sighing, sad face, saying we dont have too, can try again etc'

You've tried already. He hasn't. Actions, as often and accurately pointed out on here, speak louder than words. Well done OP, hang on in there.

You've been trying from day one!. You, re too good for him don't forget it. Running about drinking like a single guy, nah had his chance, feck him.

Well done OP, I know I don't know you but I am very proud.
Ultimately it's up. To you what you decide to do, I hope you stay strong but I also understand you not wanting to break your family.

How did he take the news of divorce?

Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read and comment on this. I really appreciate all views. Its not been an easy decision. Its been going on for such a long time. On Monday it just felt like i was in some kind of pressure cooker. Id tried to tell him so many times over the years of how i felt, i was unhappy etc. i know now he was never listening. When i pressed that payment button, i felt instantly relieved, honestly, that anxious feeling in my stomach went. I blurted it out when i got home. I had too. I just wanted it done.

since then hes pleaded for another chance. Said he will change. Feels he cant change in the house were in as “he doesnt like it”?! Ive just been calm and reassured him things will be fine. It will all work out. Hopefully we can be friends for the sake of DD further down the line

Well done OP. You're been very strong.
Is he willing to move out?

since then hes pleaded for another chance. Said he will change. Feels he cant change in the house were in as “he doesnt like it”?!

Oh good I read it that means he's happy to move out and work on himself before he does that old fashioned courting of you to win you back. Although I don't think he means that 😂

The fact that he is pleading for another chance is in itself very telling.

He has spent the last few years making out he's the good guy and you're unreasonable.

If he had actually thought that was correct, he'd be happy to be divorced.

So. Now you know he's been gas lighting you all along. He has known all along he was the arsehole but he was just taking what he wanted and using any method he could to get it. By calling you a nag etc.

Him pleading for a chance now makes his behaviour even worse. He knew. All along he knew. And he didn't care.

You've got this op.

Well done OP, this is the start of a brand new, amazing chapter for you and your little one.
Do not fall for any promises aka, bullshit that falls out of his mouth. He stands to lose more than you. A woman who has put aside her and her child's needs for his sake for too long. A woman who has looked after said child and the house while he's been off living his best life.
A word of warning, once he knows you are serious he will move on quickly. HOWEVER, the next woman will soon tire of his shit and so on and so on. He wont be able to keep up the act of pretending to be a good man for too long. Just remember that when he's rubbing your face in it.
Concentrate on you and your DD and building a lovely, stable home. You will be just fine.

What he's basically saying is 'trap yourself with a new lease, in a new property with me so that you then feel you can't leave me'.

It has nothing to do with him wanting to make a fresh start in a new property and everything to do with trapping YOU in that mindset. He wants you to feel you both went to so much trouble to move so you should excuse his bs for longer and keep hoping he will change.

He wants to exhaust you. As all abusive men do. So that you can't leave.

There will be guilt trips coming soon too, heads up! Possibly intimidation tactics too. He may fake good behaviour for a while but it won't last.
Just, be aware that he sees you as his enemy, and act accordingly. No compromises, no kindnesses - he'll see that as weakness and exploit it.

Congratulations OP, this is the first day of the rest of your life.

Excellent news to hear he is very unhappy there, he will have no issue moving out so. Let him pack his bags and be gone by the weekend.

Any changes he needs to make to himself can be done in his new abode. If he now begins to put effort into showing up for his daughter that would be brilliant. But he'll likely do it for a few weeks and then be back down the pub. In my experience they can't stay away from it for long. (Not my DH, family members)

Well done, imagine how good it will feel when he and all his stuff is gone. Your next chapter will have so much more peace. Enjoy.

Good decision Op, you've put up with enough and he won't change, or if he does it will soon wear off.

@MugginsMcMugface You've done the right thing!
And listen to the PP quoted below and what they're telling you xx

@arethereanyleftatall
The fact that he is pleading for another chance is in itself very telling.
He has spent the last few years making out he's the good guy and you're unreasonable.
If he had actually thought that was correct, he'd be happy to be divorced.
So. Now you know he's been gas lighting you all along. He has known all along he was the arsehole but he was just taking what he wanted and using any method he could to get it. By calling you a nag etc.
Him pleading for a chance now makes his behaviour even worse. He knew. All along he knew. And he didn't care.

You've got this op.

@Pinkbonbon What he's basically saying is 'trap yourself with a new lease, in a new property with me so that you then feel you can't leave me'.

It has nothing to do with him wanting to make a fresh start in a new property and everything to do with trapping YOU in that mindset. He wants you to feel you both went to so much trouble to move so you should excuse his bs for longer and keep hoping he will change.
He wants to exhaust you. As all abusive men do. So that you can't leave.
There will be guilt trips coming soon too, heads up! Possibly intimidation tactics too. He may fake good behaviour for a while but it won't last.
Just, be aware that he sees you as his enemy, and act accordingly. No compromises, no kindnesses - he'll see that as weakness and exploit it.

@Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon Congratulations OP, this is the first day of the rest of your life.

Excellent news to hear he is very unhappy there, he will have no issue moving out so. Let him pack his bags and be gone by the weekend.
Any changes he needs to make to himself can be done in his new abode. If he now begins to put effort into showing up for his daughter that would be brilliant. But he'll likely do it for a few weeks and then be back down the pub. In my experience they can't stay away from it for long. (Not my DH, family members)

Hope you are doing ok OP. I hope your husband has left you alone and is now contemplating the consequences of his actions.

Sounds boring as fuck, I don’t think you’re doing the wrong thing! How crap for you and your poor dd, having a dad who does nothing bar drink.

You’re very brave, well done. Once you’re over the nitty gritty part of it you’ll have be free.

Its very lonely. I feel sad he would rather do stuff with mates/the lads than his own family

Well done for taking action, OP. Not easy, but a million times better than letting your life pass by in such an awful situation.

The very fact that he thinks a new house will help shows that he isn't taking responsibility for his own behaviour. So of course he won't change.

Keep your resolve.

Well its been a while and ive held fast in sticking with the divorce, even though he has begged and pleaded, promises of change etc etc.

i feel surprisingly calm about it all since that day of paying for it. There is light at the end of the tunnel for me. Ive also kept it secret, how i dont know but all my mates are such gossiping fish wives (i love them i do!) im kind of ok in myself with two mates knowing who i can talk to, i almost want to see if i can get all the way through it without anyone knowing!

despite the promises to change, nothing has changed hes still drinking pretty much daily, not parenting and today is the day he has to acknowledge it by. He lost the letter and email they sent him. Ive just found the letter. How hes going to cope without me idk!!! I left it on top of the remote so he couldn’t miss it, hes not happy 🤷🏻‍♀️

Best of luck, OP. Your future is bright without that lump dragging you down.

Send a prayer out to the universe OP (when you're ready) for it to send you that special person to be your new life partner. You deserve the best. Good luck with everything xx

Very well done, OP. It's obviously hard, but I can hear the blossoming relief that you're no longer tied to that liability of a man.

Phew!

Best wishes in your journey to break free.