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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We messed this up so badly and I am worried

90 replies

Midnightwonder · 27/04/2024 20:55

Sorry this isn’t really a relationship issue but a total mess I think. Please don’t kick me because I’m already feeling quite anxious about all of this and I really need some practical advice.
It’s 2 problems really and I can only discuss them in part with my DH which is not helping. DH is not my DS’s biological father but he is absolutely and 100% committed and he is his dad. DS doesn’t know life without his father and while we always planned to tell him one day that time just hadn’t come.
We struggled to conceive for a long time and naively went for a donor route, and DS’s biological father never showed an interest or contacted us as expected. He now has and it’s putting a lot of stress on both of us because it feels like blackmail. It’s clear that he still doesn’t have any interest in DS (thankfully) but he is in very serious legal trouble and has asked for financial support “considering our deep friendship”.
We both agreed that there is no way that we can support him considering what he is accused of, but it’s so stressful to think what will happen if we don’t.

The second problem is more difficult to describe really. We have had some uncomfortable problems with our DS who we love dearly, but I am also worried about the nature vs nature link now that I have realised what a true and utter scumbag his biological father is. I think DH thinks the same but he blocks off any attempt to
discuss it, and I feel like I am driving myself insane at times because I worry too much.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 27/04/2024 20:57

Could you block him so he can't contact you?

PoppingTomorrow · 27/04/2024 20:58

Have you told DS the truth about his parentage?

danitheastrologer · 27/04/2024 21:02

Isn't blackmail a crime? Don't engage with him. Take the evidence to the police. Tell your son the truth is possible.

DaisyChain505 · 27/04/2024 21:03

For the love of god do not give this person any
money or support. If he one day wants to peruse a relationship with his biological son, you cannot stop this (unless what he is being accused of would put your son in danger)

you have to be as open and honest with your son age appropriately as possible. “Daddy didn’t help mummy make you but he has chosen to be your daddy instead which is much more important etc”

keeping Information from his is what will bring anxiety.

dragonscannotswim · 27/04/2024 21:07

If you used a sperm donor, was this done officially? Did you both sign a contract? If so, what did it say?

And your day you're worried about your Dc- about his personality, do you mean? What has got you so worried? What has he done?

ChrissyShenkle · 27/04/2024 21:08

Take this man's power away, tell your son then go to the police

dragonscannotswim · 27/04/2024 21:08

And yes, tell ds ASAP who his bio dad really is. How old is ds?

Original poster
Midnightwonder · 27/04/2024 21:19

Thank you. He’s just turned 6 and it just hadn’t been a conversation we had planned yet so dreading it. I know we have to tell him but I feel so awful about it because it feels so rushed.

No, it was an unofficial agreement but DH is listed as his father on the birth cert. I know that we really messed this up.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 27/04/2024 21:27

You should tell your son sooner rather than later because the older ds is, the harder the news will be and you risk ds being angry at you for lying.

The advantage of telling them young is that they don’t remember the revelation chat so they see it as something that they always knew.

Take the power away from your ex then say no. Giving him money now will lead to bigger and bigger demands in future.

Tatiepot · 27/04/2024 21:30

My DS isn’t genetically mine and we told him as a matter of fact as we went along, from about age 4 I think. So you’re a little bit behind us but it’s doable, there doesn’t need to be a big announcement just drip feed and make it normal - I’d put money on there are families of all stripes in his class at school. With regards to having inherited his bio father’s behaviours, we have found that how we have brought him up has shaped his temperament and how he deals with things, so if your son has learnt right from wrong that’s how he will operate - I think the risk of him behaving like his bio father just because they share genes is very small, as behaviour is learned not innate.

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/04/2024 21:31

Sorry if this is prying but how did the donation happen? In a clinic? Did you know the bio father privately? Just trying to understand the back story of his knowledge of you.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/04/2024 21:31

Did you sleep with this man or was it a contract and an insemination? It's unlawful to name a parent who isn't biologically related on a birth certificate. He could challenge this and gain rights to the child.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 27/04/2024 21:33

Have you taken any legal advice around all this?

Avatartar · 27/04/2024 21:38

You need a solictor and advice from a donor network on how to break the news to your DS

easilydistracted1 · 27/04/2024 21:40

If you were married to your DH at conception and you did artificial insemination (even though it was DIY) you are perfectly entitled to put him on the birth certificate. You have done nothing wrong and should not feel beholden to this man. Even if you have not done it properly you are only going to make yourself a terrible and risky web of further lies by engaging with him or given money.

You are in shock but you love your little boy who is only 6. If you go looking for problems and making comparisons with your son you are going to drive yourself mad. I don't think you and your husband needs to have this conversation. You should just say oh what a terrible shock let's give DS extra support and nurture.

Kids understand things in a simpler way than adults do. It's not too complicated to explain that DH didn't have the right seed to make a baby so someone else helped mummy and daddy by giving them some seed to make a baby. There are loads of supportive children's books about it.

You sound totally traumatised. I would contact the Donor Network for some support and consider counselling. Wishing you all the best with it

canyouletthedogoutplease · 27/04/2024 21:43

Now is the time to tell your DS, presuming the stressful event that might happen if you don't capitulate to the demands would be the donor telling DS the truth?

Tell DS anyway, it's past time for that chat with or without the current situation. Then contact the police and tell them what's going on, and seek legal advice if you feel you need it regarding parental rights.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 27/04/2024 21:49

Oh dear, this is a really tough one isn't it. Absolutely do not give this man any money - it sounds like you wouldn't anyway as his legal problems appear to be connected to something so unpleasant that you wouldn't want any financial affiliation with him anyway. If it does turn into blackmail (and it sounds borderline already as if it is) do go to the police.

And please....your son is a little boy, he's only just turned 6. Please don't project this knowledge of his biological father's traits on him. He is an innocent - you chose this man to biologically father him, he didn't. Your nurture and love is what is important, any traits he is showing at 5 are just normal annoying kid traits. Don't mentally brand him "just like his father" it's not fair.

Original poster
Midnightwonder · 27/04/2024 21:52

Thanks, I will speak to DH as he is far more reluctant and worried about us telling DS as he can be a bit explosive.
This was all very unofficial and we thought we’d never hear from each other again. We kept written communication and agreements but this obviously means nothing legally. To be honest we are worried about any legal action hence me asking here first 😔

OP posts:
Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 27/04/2024 21:59

I don't have any legal experience at all, but as a layperson I am thinking what possible legal action could he take or want to take, that would be in any way beneficial to him (the bio dad)? Any action he takes would result in him having to pay child support which I'm sure must be a deterrent/negative to him. Plus he's a criminal that hasn't seen his kid in 6 years - that would be a long road to travel to get contact, particularly as the child already has a devoted father.

I feel there's something I'm not understanding here / some component missing from the story. However I respect your right to post however you wish on a public board.

jelly79 · 27/04/2024 22:22

Did you pay him for his donor? And did you know him before you concieved?

Doveytail · 27/04/2024 23:53

OP your son is 6 - he’s too young to be told the man he thinks is his dad isn’t. Please do not tell him right now- it will be not only traumatic but very confusing for him

easilydistracted1 · 28/04/2024 01:13

@Doveytail the trouble is there is never a right time and rather than a matter of fact it becomes a secret that builds and builds. Then the secret spills out and you have a traumatised and distressed adolescent who had been lied to most of their childhood. His Dad is his Dad. It's just there was a donor who was involved in his conception. Explain in an age appropriate low key way with specialist resources and then building knowledge as the child gets older is definitely the way to go

yhk · 28/04/2024 02:40

easilydistracted1 · 27/04/2024 21:40

If you were married to your DH at conception and you did artificial insemination (even though it was DIY) you are perfectly entitled to put him on the birth certificate. You have done nothing wrong and should not feel beholden to this man. Even if you have not done it properly you are only going to make yourself a terrible and risky web of further lies by engaging with him or given money.

You are in shock but you love your little boy who is only 6. If you go looking for problems and making comparisons with your son you are going to drive yourself mad. I don't think you and your husband needs to have this conversation. You should just say oh what a terrible shock let's give DS extra support and nurture.

Kids understand things in a simpler way than adults do. It's not too complicated to explain that DH didn't have the right seed to make a baby so someone else helped mummy and daddy by giving them some seed to make a baby. There are loads of supportive children's books about it.

You sound totally traumatised. I would contact the Donor Network for some support and consider counselling. Wishing you all the best with it

That's not strictly true. Morally it's the right thing to do in this instance, however it is an offence under section 4 of the Perjury Act 1911 to knowingly provide a registrar with false information.

OP if this man starts to blackmail you, take it to the police and let them deal with him.

As this wasn't an official arrangement through the correct channels, he can petition the court to have his name on your child's birth certificate.

Whether or not he goes down that route... cross that bridge if it comes to it, but DO NOT give this man any money or time of day. Block him.

Perjury Act 1911

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/Geo5/1-2/6/section/4/data.pdf

Bestyearever2024 · 28/04/2024 03:22

The man who is asking for money - you just say no. If he threatens you, go to the police or get a solicitor to send a letter telling him to back off

I think your son should know about his parentage. Don't make a big deal of it. Very matter of fact

I'm unsure what that problem is with your son. Are you inferring that he has ADHD?

BelindaOkra · 28/04/2024 03:36

Doveytail · 27/04/2024 23:53

OP your son is 6 - he’s too young to be told the man he thinks is his dad isn’t. Please do not tell him right now- it will be not only traumatic but very confusing for him

Disagree with this. The advice for adoption is that children are told in very simple terms from the earliest of days - so that it’s just knowledge and not a big thing or a big conversation. It is far worse if they grow up thinking their childhood was a lie. 6 is still young enough. Whatever happens you should tell your son asap

i’d get a simple book like mummy laid an egg that does the birds and bees, and drop in there that daddy needed some help so a different nice man (no need for him to know he isn’t) helped create him and mummy and daddy are so lucky to have him as his son.

tummy mummy gets used a lot in adoption to talk about biological mothers, so I wonder if you can get some other sort of name to talk about the donor - maybe link it to whatever the birds and the bees book uses a tadpole man or seed man or whatever.

Do not put this off much longer - ideally he won’t remember the moment he was told.