We messed this up so badly and I am worried

[Midnightwonder]

Sorry this isn’t really a relationship issue but a total mess I think. Please don’t kick me because I’m already feeling quite anxious about all of this and I really need some practical advice.
It’s 2 problems really and I can only discuss them in part with my DH which is not helping. DH is not my DS’s biological father but he is absolutely and 100% committed and he is his dad. DS doesn’t know life without his father and while we always planned to tell him one day that time just hadn’t come.
We struggled to conceive for a long time and naively went for a donor route, and DS’s biological father never showed an interest or contacted us as expected. He now has and it’s putting a lot of stress on both of us because it feels like blackmail. It’s clear that he still doesn’t have any interest in DS (thankfully) but he is in very serious legal trouble and has asked for financial support “considering our deep friendship”.
We both agreed that there is no way that we can support him considering what he is accused of, but it’s so stressful to think what will happen if we don’t.

The second problem is more difficult to describe really. We have had some uncomfortable problems with our DS who we love dearly, but I am also worried about the nature vs nature link now that I have realised what a true and utter scumbag his biological father is. I think DH thinks the same but he blocks off any attempt to
discuss it, and I feel like I am driving myself insane at times because I worry too much.

This.

Point it all back at him. If he really wants to go on the birth certificate you can come after him for CMS.

Sorry but all 3 of you sound feral "I can't help but think nature vs nature" partner does aswell but blocks it out. A dodgy sperm donor which im guessing wasn't from a fertility clinic ect.

I agree you should pay him off but unless you get proper legal advice you basically just had a baby with a man willing to give you 1 & your partner really isn't apart of this at all.

shouldn't !!!!!

What specific official process?

When a married couple register a birth there is a presumption of legitimacy..that is that the husband is the father. If a sperm donor is used through a clinic then husband is still the father. I feel there has been nothing done wrong with regards OP's DH being on the birth certificate.

That’s my understanding too. Any child born in marriage is legitimately the husband’s child unless he challenges it.

OP, I don’t really have any advice re your son, but, if this guy is blackmailing you, I think you need actual legal advice from a solicitor. Because this has the potential to become even messier and I think you need professional advice on where you stand.

OP, I was born via sperm donation - it’s something I’ve always known as my mum told me early. I think you need to tell DS sooner rather than later, there will never feel like a ‘right time’, I think you just need to get it out of the way ASAP! I’ve never been curious about the bio donor, I’m very close with both my parents and love them immensely, and always felt very special that they went to such lengths to conceive me. How wanted and loved I must have been!

Look, you've approached donation from a point of obfuscation and shame. Would I be right in guessing you went to an unofficial donor for funding reasons hence it's not all neatly drawn up? If so, please don't let that make you feel powerless now.

You need to take control right, not dig a deeper hole.

Do not pay this man anything. If he is blackmailing you, report him to the police.

Tell your son in a gentle, low key, age appropriate way. In terms of his knowledge level now there's not actually that much to tell when you think about it. He doesn't know about genes yet, or much about sex, hereditary traits etc, parentage. His dad is still his dad, always will be, but it takes a man and a woman make a baby and you both needed a bit of help from another man etc.

Once he gets older, it will be a much, much more complex conversation and adjustment.

If you're married it's fine your husband is on the BC not a sperm donor.

Is there a risk of the donor turning up and harassing your son? I'm wondering if the school need to know.

Terrible advice.
The older he gets the more traumatic a ‘big revelation’ will be. He will feel duped and lied to.

Agree with PP that this should be introduced without drama, casually in an age appropriate way. Things like, ‘we were so happy when you were born. We wanted you so much and we needed to get a special person to help us make you’. Take it from there be guided by any questions he asks.

The aim is for DS to grow up feeling this is something he has always known. There will be plenty of websites out there to help like this one https://www.cryosinternational.com/en-gb/dk-shop/private/for-parents/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-donor-conception/#

Sounds like you and DH maybe need some counselling support.

As for the donor I would ignore or if he ramps up, threaten the police.

I’m sorry but I was conceived via sperm donation and I don’t think this is good advice. Leaving it too late to tell me could have damaged my relationship with my parents, rather than it just being a (very, very small) part of something I’ve always known about myself

Your son can be told in a really gentle way - just slip it into a conversation and repeat it once in a while. Do not make it into a huge thing.

I would use a drawing - an egg and fishies and explain Daddy’s fishes couldn’t swim so well, so a kind man used his fishes instead so ds could be born. It was a very special moment when he was born and he is very precious to both of you. Ask ds if he has any questions. Talk about it on and off for a while, he is a good age now to tell him. I wouldn’t keep it a secret. He will grow up knowing this as fact.

Contact a solicitor re blackmail situation and get some proper advice op.

It's a criminal offence in the UK to deliberately give false information on a birth certificate so in the eyes of the law she did do something wrong.

All evidence around children who have been adopted shows that it's far less traumatising for a child to be made aware of and involved in their own life story from as early an age as possible. It's more traumatic for a child to grow up and then find out at a later age (even in childhood) that the foundations of their life was a lie.

DD is donor conceived, albeit in less complicated circumstances.

I'd advise starting to talk to your DS asap about how he came about.

A good place to start is the Usborne big book of families. This is a good introduction showing that families exist in all sorts of different set ups and that all are positive.

Then a book about how babies are made.

Once the understanding is there of these two elements you can get books about donor conception. I have a book about donor conception for lone mums so there's no point me recommending that one.

When you talk to your DS about the biological father you can call him the 'donor' rather than using words like 'father' or 'dad'.

My DD (6) has been told from the outset that she's donor conceived. She knows that I used donor sperm because I didn't have a husband/partner to conceive naturally. This is something that definitely should not be left until they're 'old enough to understand'. Age won't aid understanding until the child is old enough to be TTC themselves and can understand why you might get to the point of using a donor. Clearly, in your thirties is far too late to be learning that half your genes come from an unknown person.

The worst thing for a child showing volatile behaviour would be to reveal something this big in their teens.

As for your DS' behaviour now, regardless of whether there's a genetic element I'd suggest seeing a child psychologist as a starting point.

It's a criminal offence in the UK to deliberately give false information on a birth certificate so in the eyes of the law she did do something wrong.

I don’t think so in this case.
The child is a child of the marriage and is therefore legitimately the husband’s child. This would be the case if the biological father was the milkman and it’s the case here.

No, the child is presumed to be the husband's. Not that they become the husband's even if they are not! It's a crime to knowingly put false info on a birth certificate whether that's falsely saying the husband is the father or any other man.

I'm no expert but I assume it needs to be through a registered clinic.

Not at all. Unofficial donations are common. How on earth would it be regulated against?

The difference is between artificial insemination and 'natural' in terms of whether the bio father may be automatically considered the legal parent.

If it's artificial and the couple are married the husband is perfectly within his rights to be named legal parent

Ok, unofficial donations may be rife. That doesn't mean it becomes legal for a man to be knowingly added to a birth certificate when both he and the mother know he's not the father. You've mixed up presumption of paternity with rights to claim paternity. It's still false data and illegal. If the mother is married to a man who isn't the father she needs to leave the father blank and let her husband apply for parental responsibility through the correct legal channels.

I've no doubt fake birth certificate info happens all the time - and most people get away with it. All well and good. But OP isn't getting away with it and it's also affected their decision not to tell the child which is why in this case it was such a bad idea.

If the mother is married her husband is the father.

@Catlord for the husband to have parental rights he'd need to adopt the child and go through the legal processes for that. It's against the law to have named him on the birth certificate knowing he isn't the biological father

But he's not though, is he? Not biologically or in the eyes of the law.

So basically you asked a friend to borrow his sperm but didn't think it would go wrong?

I don't think just blocking him is the answer.

I'm a great believe in honesty at all times with your children. You need to tell him kindly and without drama.
Then you need to go to the police and tell them you are being blackmailed for money.
Never allow yourself to be blackmailed - not ever. It never ends.
My mother lied to me about my parentage for 62 years. I found out this year and we no longer have any contact at all. I cannot believe that she lied to me for my entire life. I feel utterly betrayed.
The worst thing is my biological father died this year before we could meet. He was totally unaware of my existence. I met my half brother on Ancestry DNA.
When I confronted my mother with this she laughed. So I went back home and haven't spoken to her since.
Children do not appreciate lies and it will not end well for you.

I mean this in the kindest most gentle way that you HAVE to tell your son now. Like today.

I found this information out second hand at 15/16 and although I had a beautiful childhood prior to that it has damaged me in ways I can’t even explain. The lies, the deceit, made me feel like i had no idea who i was. I hate my entire family for the lies. I fully understand and appreciate the situation. But the lying I cannot get past even 20 years later.

He will understand and still love you if you do it now and gently. Keep reminding him loosely too so he doesn’t forget.

Dont worry too much about the rest of the mess, the lies are the thing that will damage him more than anything else.