We messed this up so badly and I am worried

[Midnightwonder]

Sorry this isn’t really a relationship issue but a total mess I think. Please don’t kick me because I’m already feeling quite anxious about all of this and I really need some practical advice.
It’s 2 problems really and I can only discuss them in part with my DH which is not helping. DH is not my DS’s biological father but he is absolutely and 100% committed and he is his dad. DS doesn’t know life without his father and while we always planned to tell him one day that time just hadn’t come.
We struggled to conceive for a long time and naively went for a donor route, and DS’s biological father never showed an interest or contacted us as expected. He now has and it’s putting a lot of stress on both of us because it feels like blackmail. It’s clear that he still doesn’t have any interest in DS (thankfully) but he is in very serious legal trouble and has asked for financial support “considering our deep friendship”.
We both agreed that there is no way that we can support him considering what he is accused of, but it’s so stressful to think what will happen if we don’t.

The second problem is more difficult to describe really. We have had some uncomfortable problems with our DS who we love dearly, but I am also worried about the nature vs nature link now that I have realised what a true and utter scumbag his biological father is. I think DH thinks the same but he blocks off any attempt to
discuss it, and I feel like I am driving myself insane at times because I worry too much.

Is may technically be a crime but how m many women are prosecuted for this?

Surely it's possible the husband is the father? If they had sex and only takes 1 sperm. It round be hard to prosecute to say she knew 109% it wasn't her husbands. Even if she also used the other chaps sperm? (Particularly if husband is on side)

Many women have affairs and get pregnant and are not sure who dad is. They are not prosecuted.

But I do agree with telling child soon about seeds being given.

Do you honestly think your DS will never find out? This is the age of DNA and blood tests.

My advice is not to make a big deal out if it to your son, keep it practical and casual. At this age they are curious about how babies are made, there are millions of books aimed at this age explaining babies. When you are telling him, just explain some parents need help to make the baby, and that you and daddy needed help too. Daddy is still his daddy and you used another man's seed to help make him. The other man is not his daddy and that's why your son doesn't know him. Your son may have questions as he grows but just answer them, appropriate to his age, and avoid making thus a taboo topic for him.

I wouldn't give the man any money, and if you are worried about your son's behaviour, maybe see your GP for advice and possible referrals

Don’t give this man any money as it will only encourage him further.

You fucked up majorly here. The written agreements you have with this man aren’t worth the paper they’re written on.

You should do now what you should have done from the start and that is to get legal advice.

Yes this absolutely

I haven't mixed up anything. Look at the policy. A birth mother is always a child's legal mother and should go on the birth certificate.

A legal father is more complicated (or can be).

If it's the bio father, simple.

If a donor through a HFEA clinic, he has no legal paternity.

If an unofficial donor and the mother is married, it is absolutely legal for the husband to be named as the father. Legal parentage does not necessarily correspond to biological parentage. It's about responsibility, codified in law by marriage or civil partnership. Historically, how would biology have been proven?

The exception is if the child was conceived through intercourse in which case the bio father would be considered legal parent unless the child is adopted by the husband.

I don't actually know for sure how the OP's child was conceived but if by AI then she is absolutely fine.

Actually younger children can accept things like this much easier because there's no lifelong 'lie'.

OP I'm sure that there must be lots of children's books about this that will be able to help.

I have taught a 4 year old who knew she came from a donor and she used to say something along the lines of, mummy and daddy couldn't make a baby themselves so they were given a seed to grow me by someone else. Or something along those lines.

Most ridiculous and wrong advice on here.

@Midnightwonder the “considering our deep friendship” contract expired over 6 years ago!! dont know why he is still able to contact you. anyone else would sensibly have blocked the number or even changed it. he has shown no interest in your or your son's life since before your son was born. delete, block and change!! hard necked swine!!

I'm surprised at all the incorrect advice on here from people that haven't checked. @Catlord is completely correct. There are specific rules around private donation that differentiate between married and unmarried couples and artificial and 'natural insemination' (sex). I know because I've had counselling around the use of donation through a clinic and my best friends have a donor child. Although we're both same sex couples the rules are the same for opposite sex couples. I've read tons of information about it in the past and checked again before posting. I've also had related professional experience. Ultimately we decided to pursue adoption rather than sperm donation. My friends legitimately have both mothers on the birth certificate as they met the rules (married and artificial insemination and both decided to have the child). Im assuming possibly OP used 'natural insemination' and exchanged money beyond expenses from the lack of clarification but it's still no reason to make things even worse

Worse case scenario the OPs husband could apply for step parent PR or even adoption to become the legal parent if his name is removed from the birth certificate however the whole sorry tale would need to come out and DS aware of his genetic parentage. The court are unlikely to reward parental responsibility to someone who has no relationship with DS and is possibly a risk and possibly going to get a prison sentence from reading between the lines

If the donor makes a claim of paternity and is found to be the child's biological father he will absolutely be granted PR as is his legal right. I don't agree with the ethics of that but that is the law as it stands. In the same way that rapists and murderers don't have PR of their children removed from them. It is a legal status given to the biological parents of children and can only be removed by the courts, which it rarely is.

@BodyKeepingScore I've argued against it for someone in prison as a professional in court and it was successful. Granting PR is a different threshold than removing it. I agree it's extremely difficult to remove it if the father is the legal father. If people have followed all the legal rules around being a donor and the non biological father is legitimately named as the legal parent it's also not the same as a non donor situation. But the rules being so complex amongst other risks like this and some of the ethics is what made us decide not to go down the donor route. It's a bit of a legal minefield. Really OP should probably get some legal advice if it comes to there being an issue

This

I'm not sure where you're getting this information but it's not necessarily true.

There are separate and complex laws for private sperm donation and parental responsibility.

If the donor applied for parental responsibility the courts would look at the donation arrangement, any evidence of him agreeing to provide help with conception without expectation of PR. they would crucially look at who has taken responsibility for the child throughout its life and what contact, if any, the donor has had.

The family court would be acting in the child's interest primarily and I'm not sure what ethical grounds could be found for disrupting the child's life to this extent just because the donor suddenly wants to go back on the agreement made. Not to mention if there was evidence of him harassing the family for money.

I don't have any precedence for this but I'm not sure what chance of success he would have even if he claimed they used natural insemination. There's a 6 year old child who's had a lifelong father/son relationship with his mother's husband involved now following the initial donorship agreement. I can't see why the courts would have an appetite just to swap a criminal in. That bit is just my opinion.