We messed this up so badly and I am worried

[Midnightwonder]

Sorry this isn’t really a relationship issue but a total mess I think. Please don’t kick me because I’m already feeling quite anxious about all of this and I really need some practical advice.
It’s 2 problems really and I can only discuss them in part with my DH which is not helping. DH is not my DS’s biological father but he is absolutely and 100% committed and he is his dad. DS doesn’t know life without his father and while we always planned to tell him one day that time just hadn’t come.
We struggled to conceive for a long time and naively went for a donor route, and DS’s biological father never showed an interest or contacted us as expected. He now has and it’s putting a lot of stress on both of us because it feels like blackmail. It’s clear that he still doesn’t have any interest in DS (thankfully) but he is in very serious legal trouble and has asked for financial support “considering our deep friendship”.
We both agreed that there is no way that we can support him considering what he is accused of, but it’s so stressful to think what will happen if we don’t.

The second problem is more difficult to describe really. We have had some uncomfortable problems with our DS who we love dearly, but I am also worried about the nature vs nature link now that I have realised what a true and utter scumbag his biological father is. I think DH thinks the same but he blocks off any attempt to
discuss it, and I feel like I am driving myself insane at times because I worry too much.

This is an awful mess and yes you have messed up. You committed a crime by putting the wrong father on the birth certificate and because of this secrecy you've made it difficult to tell your DS. His parentage should never be a 'big conversation' you have with him it should just have been part of his life story that was discussed since he was old enough to talk! You certainly need to tell him now, as soon as possible.
In relation to nature nurture that's a big question and one you can't answer really. It may change how your DH feels about him.
In relation to potential blackmail I think you should just ignore. However you could face problems if the real father decides to report you to the authorities for falsifying the documents.

This is really misguided advice.

Can't comment on the legal situation but..

In the Victorian times people really wanted to believe the criminality was hereditary - so that criminals had children who were then criminals, while decent law-abiding people had children who were decent law-abiding people.

They did a lot of research on it (as I say, they really wanted to believe it) and it's just not true. Adults who are really unpleasant violent criminal people can have kids who are lovely saintly people and vice versa.

So please don't imagine that he will be like his father. He will be his own person.

Thing is....although it's illegal and punishable to knowingly put the wrong father's name on the birth certificate, this biofather doesn't appear to want to have his name on the birth certificate

He wants money

He can threaten you and blackmail you all he likes, but blackmail and extortion are ALSO illegal and punishable

Therefore he's unlikely to be popping off to the Police to point fingers at you....as you will simply point fingers back at him

Ignore or
See a solicitor or
Go to the police

Tell your son the truth in a very calm non drama way
All sorted

Oh and yes....if you're worried about anger/tantrums etc with your son - get him checked out .....he's much more likely to follow you - nature and nuture than his bio dad - only nature

1. Tell your child today - dont sit them down and make big deal of it, just guide the conversation that way while you are doing something else - I am surprised he doesn't already know. I had a child in similar circumstances, and he grew up knowing, so has no memory of being told

2- Threaten scumbag with CSA. then black him

This is bad advice.

Your ds should have been told earlier. Tell him now. Don't make it a huge deal. Explain in an age appropriate way.

And please don't start thinking your ds has some faulty DNA. I would contact a therapist for you and your DH. I think you need some professional advice.

I did sperm donation, albeit with no father on scene.
My kids have always known about it.
We drop flowers in the ocean each year on the day I conceived them to thank the donor and the flowers get taken by the sea to where the donor lives.
Its just a simple way to keep the narrative going and each year my older daughter has more questions that she wants answering.

Now your son is already quite old so I'd start with a story, there's loads on amazon that explain it, and then do something nice to thank the donor (even if you think he's a scumbag, this isn't useful for your son)

Theres also the donor conceived network to help.
But quite honestly you both need to do better. This is your sons life story and you need to be proud and happy of the choices you made for him and not keep it as an embarrassing secret.

I don’t have legal knowledge but surely with your hubby on the birth certificate this man could do nothing other than to go to court to challenge paternity - and it sounds like he has more to deal with than pursuing that - and for what gain? He doesn’t sound like he wants parenting rights and you could turn the tables and ask for child maintenance so it would not make sense for him to do this.

please tell your son early so it’s something he has always known. Tell him later and he will feel like you have been lying to him all his life.

if you can afford it get professional advice on how to tell him. But the route of explaining daddy had a problem with his sperm so another man gave us his because we wanted you so much could be an approach to consider?

don’t make it formal though - mention it as an everyday thing like it’s no big deal

Definitely tell your son immediately. Not in a "we need to sit down and have a big conversation" way - you just mention it in a very matter of fact way and don't dwell on it (unless he asks questions). Then you keep mentioning it regularly so that, like a pp says, it becomes something he's always known rather than a big shocking revelation. I have a friend with three DC conceived with donor eggs and sperm.

Regarding the birth certificate issue, you may need to seek legal advice. Definitely don't give this man any money.

Re the bit about your son's personality. I believe it's a combination of nature and nurture so I understand your fears. But it's not productive to think this way, so it's better to put these ideas out of your mind and parent him in the most loving, consistent way that you can.

The usual position with sperm donation is that the mother and her spouse/partner are on the birth certificate: https://www.spermdonation.nhs.uk/sperm-donation-and-the-law#:~:text=The%20person%20who%20received%20your,be%20asked%20to%20contribute%20%EF%AC%81nancially.

What is the worst this man can do? Do you really think he's going to show up at your house and start shouting he is your child's father? He will be looking everywhere possible for money, not just in your direction.

I don't really understand how the donor came about but, reading between the lines, if he is in serious legal trouble and requires financial support, he's high unlikely going yo be taking you to court for paternity rights any time soon. He's merely flexing whilst in a bad situation. Block and do not communicate. If it continues via any other channel involve the police.
With regards to your ds. What uncomfortable problems are you referring to? Six year old are at a stage where they are no longer babies and are forging their personalities, they test the water, they pick up on things at school from their peers. No child is without his or her Behavioural challenges at some point. Please don't project your worries about his donor onto him. Keep parenting as you wish and slowly introduce the concept of parentage. There are some great books out there. But at 6, it doesn't have to be a big deal.

My friend found out at 16 fucked him for life

Tell him now so it doesn't

This is absolutely terrible advice

@Ophy83 I think the problem is that the sperm donation wasn't done through a registered clinic.

https://www.gov.uk/legal-rights-for-egg-and-sperm-donors

It feels like blackmail because it is. I would see a solicitor urgently. Under no circumstances give him anything or contact him until you've done that.

He IS his dad; just not his biological father.

OP, explain it in a basic, child friendly way. I was told at 6 and my parents kept it very brief. Tell DS that you wanted him so badly that you needed some help, but don’t elaborate on who helped you- keep him faceless unless specifically asked.

Good luck.

OP your son is 6 - he’s too young to be told the man he thinks is his dad isn’t. Please do not tell him right now- it will be not only traumatic but very confusing for him

Ignore this well intended but terrible advice. Yes you messed up big time but don't put your head in the sand. Deal with it now or it will only get worse. Tell your son before he gets any older - and more explosive. Get therapy for all of you to address these fears and insecurities. And get legal advice about how to handle this shit who is trying to blackmail you. Do not give in to his bribery. Dont perpetuate the mess you've made. Start cleaning it up.

When a married couple register a birth there is a presumption of legitimacy..that is that the husband is the father. If a sperm donor is used through a clinic then husband is still the father. I feel there has been nothing done wrong with regards OP's DH being on the birth certificate.
I do believe the child should be told simplistically in a matter of fact way then build on it as he grows up and asks more.
Do not engage with the donor and report any blackmail to the police.
Nature v nurture? Honestly lots of people have neurodiverse kids and it does not help to try and attribute blame to anyone. OP and DH are responsible for raising their child as best they can, and if he has struggles they support and parent him through them. Trying to ascertain who is responsible for the issues is pointless and distracting from the business of being good, present parents. However, not telling him about his parentage could definitely lead to behaviour issues and his sense of who he is, and belonging etc, further down the line.

Yes, you have messed up. It is clear you only thought about conceiving a baby and not how this baby will be a person who would need to know their biological parentage.

I am an adoptive Mum for context. My son is nearly 5 and we adopted him at 23 months. We told him he was adopted from 23 months. He now can’t remember being told. It’s just part of his story.

You need to tell your son now. Don’t tell him his Dad isn’t his Dad. Just start a conversation about different types of families (there are so many books out there) and tell him. You don’t need to tell him what this biological dad is doing now but your son does need to know. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get.

He needs to be told as soon as possible. Consider contacting children’s services (google mash and the name of your county) to get advice on language to use during the conversation, or consider seeking advice from a counsellor who can talk you through how to do it sensitively. There are a range of books that help a child to understand different ways family are made so I’m sure there will be an appropriate one. Make sure you talk to his school so they can keep an extra eye on him and offer elsa if he needs it. Both the school and children’s services can also offer you guidance on managing the behaviour you’re seeing. If it’s sexual I’d recommend your son is given direct work around appropriate touch, boundaries, the pantosaurus rex etc as soon as possible.

With respect this is the last place you should be seeking proper legal advice. Seriously go to a solicitor rather than random strangers on the internet. People are given all manner of incorrect advice on forums which causes more problems than it solves. There are age specific ways of letting your son know. You don't need to sit him down for a formal father to son discussion. You just drip feed little things about dad's and how some dads have children differently to others. Just little bits here and there over weeks or months. It doesn't need to all be spilled out guts and all in one discussion.

Tell him to get to fuck. Tell him if he tried any more extortion threats you will contact the police.
Then block him
And explain to your son in terms that he will understand

This isn't sperm donation though - it's just two people deciding to lie on the birth certificate. Sperm donation has to follow a specific official process.