Husband makes me feel stupid all the time; but when I react then I have "over reacted?" and "started an argument"

[samanthaoritz]

I don't know how else to explain this pattern of behaviour but it is increasingly making me depressed and frustrated so hopefully someone out there can help. Sorry bit of a long rant!

My husband constantly makes me feel stupid or belittled by his comments; one example this morning I asked how his night with a friend was and what is going on with his new girlfriend and he responds "i don't know i don't care, if you want to know ask him" - I know its only small but comments like this over and over again feel like its constantly driving a wedge between me and my partner (the person you are meant to feel close too)
another example - we have a group chat and he asked people to send ideas into the group so I sent a restaurant and he says things to me like "we are out here trying to plan 10 hour days and you are concerned about 2 hours at dinner" - like yes dinner plans for 8 people are important to plan in advance, again its small but just makes me feel irrelevant and my efforts are stupid.

I replied and said well i did send a photo of a castle into the group chat and no one responded (he does this thing where nothing i do is right and always criticizes me) so he said well you just sent a photo of a castle and didn't say where it was or if anyone wants to do it - like OK now just because i sent a photo of a castle and didn't say WHERE it was it or literally asked DOES ANYONE WANT TO DO THIS it wasn't good enough and i feel stupid. He says I make stupid comments and have no common sense, thats why he says the things he does.

its just so stupid things constantly that are driving us apart. it gets a reaction out of me because I feel personally offended where i am made to feel stupid and he is happy with nothing that I do. He said they are trying to plan 10 hour days and i am only concerned with dinner and i said well yes i dont want to be selfish and take over and plan the entire trip then he replies funny you are the only one sending things to the group - so i done what he asked and now he is making out I'm selfish.

Do you see how I can never win? is this abusive? he makes me mad where i get angry and I keep going on about how he made me feel and trying to explain how he made me feel stupid and he just denies it and says let it go you are "still going on" and its like yes because I feel so annoyed at you right now because he doesn't understand how he made me angry, doesn't apologise and just blames me saying "stupid comments". ugh sorry rant over.

Has he always been like this? Anything unusual/stressful happening in his/your life?

@EVHead he has his own business so its always stressful I imagine - but his moods are usually always bad in the mornings - by the afternoon it seems to level out. But on the weekends its super hard to be around him in the mornings. He also has resentment for me for not moving to the town he wanted. He admits he is irritable but usually blames me for my "stupid comments"

He sounds like a prick

An unpleasant prick

Presumably he’s just like this towards you and not his friends/family?

It's contempt

The number one indicator that you're relationship is over

He does not respect you, or care about what you think and feel - time to go

He enjoys making you feel stupid, because it makes him feel powerful, big and clever. He won't change.

Next time he tells you how stupid you are, say "Yes, just look at who I married, I must have been really stupid to make that mistake".

@NoSnowdrop YES!! oh god this is the most FRUSTRATING part! Only towards me!! - why is this?? I have asked him - his response is "no one puts me in the mood that you do" ....

This sounds tough OP. Especially if he's not listening to your attempts to explain things to him.

I saw a celebrity...might have been Jennifer Lawrence...talking about 'when the reaction to the crime becomes the crime' and it resonated with me so much. It's horrid when people are pushed to breaking point and then judged or pariahed for breaking.

Could you try bring it up at a mutual, calm time? Say that you have some feelings which need to be discussed. Make it a rule of the discussion that noone is allowed to belittle one another or deny anothers feelings. He can deny his intention was to make you feel a certain way but he cannot deny your feelings because they are yours. It's draining to feel you can do nothing right, and I think you have a right to say that. Sometimes we treat our partners worst because they're the 'safe space'. Still not okay though, in the slightest. Perhaps working together on why he's being like this will boost your confidence too? If you had more confidence in yourself then perhaps his opinions wouldn't upset you, because you know all this is way more about something going on with him than it is about you.

Ah, so now it's your fault he does it.

Bastard.

This man is nothing but a bully.

The next time he puts you down, look at him at say "Fuck you". Look at how surprised he will be.

If you can't do that, start recording him when he is nasty and 'accidentally' send it to the group WhatsApp.

Honestly I think some men get married just to have someone they can bully and disrespect.

Imagine if someone who is not your husband spoke to you like that - what would your reaction be?

Having experienced some of this, I now have one piece of advice for relationships: if the person you love makes you feel like shit/fails to make you feel good about yourself then it's time to reconsider the relationship.

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk I have things like what would your family/friends say if they heard how you spoke to me and he would say things like well if they heard your stupid comments or why I am they would "get it"
Don't get me wrong I have said some horrible things back but I am not proud he gets me so angry. Then he says he should start recording me, but its because I feel so unheard and neglected that I say things sometimes to hurt him back.

He holds you in utter contempt, It's over. Why drag out the inevitable when you are both miserable?

@VenetiaHallisWellPosh thank you. I know I do - but it is so hard when you love someone, and when they are 'happy' and 'nice' your heart glows and is warm inside - but then there is this other side :(

He's an abusive twat.

Get out of the relationship ASAP.

Oh lass.

Google "reactive abuse" - he is doing this on purpose to make you feel inferior, confused, frustrated, in doubt of yourself and less than.

Leave him because he does not like you, love you or respect you.

Never look back.

Awful man. I was married to one of these and they are bitter and angry inside
It's not you. You're his verbal and emotional punch-bag. Leave before it gets physically nasty. And it will.

He knows what he's doing.

@LaurieFairyCake Yes - this is exactly it. His dad had contempt for his mother, and now his new wife. I think this is a learned behaviour. Unless contempt can be caused by something I have done, but I don't feel I have done anything to deserve this and think he treated his ex this same way. I have tried speaking to him about it. It is only when i do not react to him then he comes towards me and feels slightly bad.

This other side, that's who he really is.

Please set yourself free, you deserve to be happy and respected and loved.

The more he wears you down, the longer and harder it will take and be for you to get away.

Good luck lass x

You have done NOTHING to deserve this

He may well have learned to treat his wife with contempt from watching the way his father treated his mother, but it's not really your job to work out why he does it. All you need to work out is if you like it, and if you want to be with someone who relates to you like this.

You can decide if he and the relationship is good enough for you, and if remaining with him and living a lifetime dealing with this is what you want. It might be, it might not be, but only you can decide.

Personally it would be a flat no.

@LaurieFairyCake @Jadedbuthappy82 thanks everyone. or he will say that he was in a great mood (when i say he is in a bad mood) or will say that I just "took it that way" when it is really clear to tell when someone is using a sarcastic tone, problem is, you can't prove a tone can you.

This is the very definition of an abusive relationship. The cycles between nice and cruel are abusive—and they are what he enjoys.

Yes. He's messing with your mind on purpose, trying to make you think there's something wrong with you or that you have done something wrong.

There isn't and you haven't.

There are a lot of men like this, but as fairy cake says, it is not your job to work out why. Don't waste years of your life like I did, trying to figure him out, change yourself or help him. No no no.

You leave him and choose peace and happiness.

Here if you need to chat.

Wishing you the best as I know how confusing it it. You may think you love him, but you love the person he pretends to be when he decides to be a bit nice to you.

And believe me, those instances will get fewer and fewer.

Awful man. Get yourself away and to safety as soon as you can, tell yourself you deserve more than this.

And if you're really struggling to see him for who he is, ask yourself this simple question: what advice would you give to a niece, daughter or friend who confided they were in a relationship like this? Then do that x