Husband makes me feel stupid all the time; but when I react then I have "over reacted?" and "started an argument"

[samanthaoritz]

I don't know how else to explain this pattern of behaviour but it is increasingly making me depressed and frustrated so hopefully someone out there can help. Sorry bit of a long rant!

My husband constantly makes me feel stupid or belittled by his comments; one example this morning I asked how his night with a friend was and what is going on with his new girlfriend and he responds "i don't know i don't care, if you want to know ask him" - I know its only small but comments like this over and over again feel like its constantly driving a wedge between me and my partner (the person you are meant to feel close too)
another example - we have a group chat and he asked people to send ideas into the group so I sent a restaurant and he says things to me like "we are out here trying to plan 10 hour days and you are concerned about 2 hours at dinner" - like yes dinner plans for 8 people are important to plan in advance, again its small but just makes me feel irrelevant and my efforts are stupid.

I replied and said well i did send a photo of a castle into the group chat and no one responded (he does this thing where nothing i do is right and always criticizes me) so he said well you just sent a photo of a castle and didn't say where it was or if anyone wants to do it - like OK now just because i sent a photo of a castle and didn't say WHERE it was it or literally asked DOES ANYONE WANT TO DO THIS it wasn't good enough and i feel stupid. He says I make stupid comments and have no common sense, thats why he says the things he does.

its just so stupid things constantly that are driving us apart. it gets a reaction out of me because I feel personally offended where i am made to feel stupid and he is happy with nothing that I do. He said they are trying to plan 10 hour days and i am only concerned with dinner and i said well yes i dont want to be selfish and take over and plan the entire trip then he replies funny you are the only one sending things to the group - so i done what he asked and now he is making out I'm selfish.

Do you see how I can never win? is this abusive? he makes me mad where i get angry and I keep going on about how he made me feel and trying to explain how he made me feel stupid and he just denies it and says let it go you are "still going on" and its like yes because I feel so annoyed at you right now because he doesn't understand how he made me angry, doesn't apologise and just blames me saying "stupid comments". ugh sorry rant over.

Erm, it sounds like he doesn't like you.
Definitely time to leave the bastard.

He is NOT on your side OP. He has disdain for you at best, and contempt at worst. Every time he says these comments, he is wiping his feet on your face. He thinks himself superior and does not think the both of you are on the same level.

He may be dependent on you in some ways, he might want you around, he might be faithful, but that doesn't mean he loves and respects you, whatever he might say. It took me a while to realise that nasty often people actually want to be with the person they have disdain for, because they're the only people in their lives that will tolerate their horrible behaviour, and they want that. They want to be around a person they feel superior to.

You might think you're protesting his behaviour, but he won't see it that way. All he's experiencing at a basic level is - 'Me being a nasty twat to my wife = me having a wife'. You are still with him at the end of the day, and boudary-pushing, unpleasant people see this as permission to continue behaving the way they are, not matter how it makes you feel.

Furthermore, bullies and narcissistic types don't like being challenged. They will make you feel as if you're making a fuss, that you are oversensitive, even if they know their behaviour would be seen as unacceptable by others, even if they wouldn't tolerate this behaviour directed at them. Often such individuals are hyper sensitive to any form of criticism themselves and will puff up with anger as soon as they experience it.....but they are allowed to behave unpleasantly towards others, because they always find a way to justify it.

The good thing is, you don't have to prove anything in order to leave.

You don't need to qualify it or justify it or excuse it. A relationship can be ended for any reason you like. Simply 'I don't want to be with you anymore'.

I suggest you take that route. Don't get drawn into explaining why. He knows why.

He's an abusive shit. And even if he wasn't, he's making your life miserable. The point of a relationship is to add joy and comfort to your life. And the bare minimum a partner should be, is a kind human being.

Time to go!

Also, whether or not you are triggered by abuse or, react to it or not, you are still being abused.

Learning to ignore the horrible things they do and say, (as if that's even possible) isn't an achievement, it's a tragedy.

You only get one life. Don't spend it with arseholes.

Honestly it doesn’t matter whether you are making stupid comments or not. His behaviour towards you is belittling and unkind, and you should dump him.

If it is you who is stupid, you deserve to be with somebody who doesn’t think you are stupid. If he is putting you down for the sake of bullying you (which is what it sounds like), you deserve to be with somebody who isn’t a bully. Either way, he sounds horrible and you should dump him.

He doesn't like you or respect you 🤷‍♀️

Imagine how wonderful your life would be free of him....

Because he is abusive. You are not going crazy. Nothing you do will change his behaviour and the fact that he probably learnt it from his dad really isn’t relevant (except possibly that it means it’s very ingrained ie you can’t change it)

Read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (Read discreetly, download on kindle app or Apple Books as long as your account is private). It is really compassionate and will make you feel 100% less confused.

PS If you don’t have children take control of contraception and do not get pregnant.

Why are you still with such an unpleasant man? & are you not bored shitless? Do you still fancy him/sleep with him, knowing he neither likes nor respects you?

He sounds tiresome. Honestly, its up to you of course but I couldnt waste days of my life with a man who actively chooses to make me feel bad. Id be off, and take pleasure in not having to listen to his dementor nonsense ever again. He's chipping away at your self-esteem. No man is worth that. When someone shows you they do not like you and furthermore sees you as a stupid person, please take heed and detach

I really hope your therapist wasn’t aware that they were offering you skills to manage the abuse you were experiencing without ever flagging to you that you are being abused…

I agree it feels like that but why is he with me if he doesn’t like me

Oh and re punishing you for not moving to the town he wants to live in - he clearly doesn’t respect you, or value your opinion, or like you all that much, so why hasn’t he just moved? What’s keeping him in the “wrong town” with you? why hasn’t he moved and told you to move with him or end your relationship? Is it that actually he’s kind of ok living where you are but it gives him the excuse to punish you. It doesn’t sound like he adores you and can’t stand the idea of being a day without you.

He is an abuser. I know this may sound dramatic. I am surrounded by narcissists ( your husband shows many traits from what you describe). You almost feel like you're being really dramatic saying this behaviour is abusive, but it really is.

The various types of narcissists are so adept at making you question your sanity. He is demonstrating classic gaslighting behaviour. The fact he is different around others is a huge red flag to this also. All narcissists do this.

Why is he with you? Because due to their deep seated messed up psyche, these people always need supply. They must have someone to punish, to abuse, to then feel sorry for them when they play the victim. If you are an empathic, forgiving placid person ( which you sound), the supply is endless to him.

What does your therapist say? Have they point out that this is abusive, gaslighting, traits of narcissism?

Dr Ramani on YouTube. She has an excellent podcast on Narcissism on diary of a CEO. The biggest eye opener you may ever watch. It will answer many questions you have raised here

Because you're his victim.

Why do school yard bullies pick on the playground kids? Because it makes them feel big.

It's that simple.
Many bullies never grow up.

Plenty of people are predators op. Him staying has nothing to do woth love and everything to do with the fact that it takes too time to train another victim who will stay and tolerate this shit.

Something like 1 in 10 people are psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists or similar.
They only know how to hate.

You are like a lamb to his lion. The lamb can never truly understand the lion. But if it wants to live, it better bloody well run from it as fast as its little legs will carry it.

And think of it this way, have you ever had a workplace bully? Or a nasty person in your social circle who everyone else tolerated so you had to put up with?

Well, these people have partners too.
They go home and they bully their partners.

Because its just who they are, horrible bullies.
They get a kick out of it. And it makes them feel big. There's just something fundamentally wrong with them.

We make the mistake of thinking that people who we've let close to us, must be good people. They must care, if they stay, right? They must be good people if they seemed good in the beginning right? ...it doesn't work like that.

Evil people exist. And they aren't few and far between. They act good in the beginning. So that when they later drop their marks, we make excuses for them. Thinking 'oh but they can't really be bad as they were so nice when we first met'. And once we start making excuses for, them, it can be hard to stop.

''I agree it feels like that but why is he with me if he doesn’t like me''

Because he gets enjoyment out of being horrible to you, just like any other bully.

Why are you with him?

Read my earlier post.

It's because you provide some kind of service, just not the one that you'd like to think about, or would have ever considered. Your service to him might be to soothe him, keep him company when he's bored, and have someone there that he can belittle so he can feel superior. It feeds his ego. None of those things mean that he respects or loves you.

Completely agree.

You should leave. He doesn’t have to agree that’s a good idea, you can leave without his permission. And file for divorce.

I remember saying to my H ‘You say you love me but you don’t even act like you like me’ and he looked visibly shocked..he couldn’t conceive that I would accuse him like that. It was true though. He had no respect for me. Stayed with me out of habit I think. I tried to use ‘grey rock’ technique on him. The less I reacted, the harder he tried to get a reaction. I’m pleased to say he’s now an XH! I still think of some of the things he said and did 2 1/2 years since we split and think ‘I’m so glad he’s gone’.
Do yourself a massive favour and ditch him!

Why on earth are you still with this arsehole? Raise your standards and ditch him

I used to get this from my DH all the time.
He's now ex DH

You don’t have to stay with him. You don’t have to stay married to him. He sounds like a cock who could start an argument in an empty room. How do you feel at the thought of how life would be without him?

He is a negging prick.

Because he can control you and it boosts his sad little ego.

He is a narcissist at worst. A total arsehole at best.

He's staying with you only to have someone to verbally abuse.

But why do you stay, surely you're not happy with him?

You deserve so much better, someone who actually loves you, shows you love and respects you.