Husband makes me feel stupid all the time; but when I react then I have "over reacted?" and "started an argument"

[samanthaoritz]

I don't know how else to explain this pattern of behaviour but it is increasingly making me depressed and frustrated so hopefully someone out there can help. Sorry bit of a long rant!

My husband constantly makes me feel stupid or belittled by his comments; one example this morning I asked how his night with a friend was and what is going on with his new girlfriend and he responds "i don't know i don't care, if you want to know ask him" - I know its only small but comments like this over and over again feel like its constantly driving a wedge between me and my partner (the person you are meant to feel close too)
another example - we have a group chat and he asked people to send ideas into the group so I sent a restaurant and he says things to me like "we are out here trying to plan 10 hour days and you are concerned about 2 hours at dinner" - like yes dinner plans for 8 people are important to plan in advance, again its small but just makes me feel irrelevant and my efforts are stupid.

I replied and said well i did send a photo of a castle into the group chat and no one responded (he does this thing where nothing i do is right and always criticizes me) so he said well you just sent a photo of a castle and didn't say where it was or if anyone wants to do it - like OK now just because i sent a photo of a castle and didn't say WHERE it was it or literally asked DOES ANYONE WANT TO DO THIS it wasn't good enough and i feel stupid. He says I make stupid comments and have no common sense, thats why he says the things he does.

its just so stupid things constantly that are driving us apart. it gets a reaction out of me because I feel personally offended where i am made to feel stupid and he is happy with nothing that I do. He said they are trying to plan 10 hour days and i am only concerned with dinner and i said well yes i dont want to be selfish and take over and plan the entire trip then he replies funny you are the only one sending things to the group - so i done what he asked and now he is making out I'm selfish.

Do you see how I can never win? is this abusive? he makes me mad where i get angry and I keep going on about how he made me feel and trying to explain how he made me feel stupid and he just denies it and says let it go you are "still going on" and its like yes because I feel so annoyed at you right now because he doesn't understand how he made me angry, doesn't apologise and just blames me saying "stupid comments". ugh sorry rant over.

No respect for women and definitely a learnt behaviour, by the look of it.

It doesn't sound like he likes you very much. You deserve better.

@pikkumyy77 @Jadedbuthappy82 @canyouletthedogoutplease @LaurieFairyCake thanks all and all i haven't tagged. I have been in therapy and tried to learn coping skills, and its worked he triggers me less. I do not react. it does give him space to (i think) reflect on himself because an hour or two later he will hug/kiss me, but what is next? I have learned not to be triggered now I need him to stop trying to trigger me... or are you expected just to go through life not reacting. I really need to remind myself of that is the real him, but its really hard when he is blaming you for the way he is being. He holds resentment for me as I didn't move to the town he wanted, so i keep thinking maybe its that.

This is classic gaslighting. I’m so sorry you are where you are with this. Recognising gaslighting and how to deal with it might be a way forward, however this type of destructive behaviour in a relationship, might signal the end.

💐

He's horrible and as you know this will never improve at all. He is an abusive bully.

Please contact women's Aid and a solicitor to find out your legal rights.

The next time he did it I would look him straight in the eye and say, 'I am absolutely sick of you speaking to me like I'm something on the bottom of your shoe. I currently have very little love or respect left for you and our marriage is hanging by a thread. I am considering speaking to a solicitor and ending things, so unless this is absolutely what you are hoping for, perhaps you need to think about your behaviour towards me. I suspect it is too late - but this is the only warning I'm prepared to give you, I have no intention of wasting my whole life on someone who talks to me like I'm dirt'.

Then walk away.

it sounds like he doesn’t like you.

I'm sorry OP, you're married to an arsehole.

You don't have to live like this for the rest of your life.

You’re thinking of staying?

You know this behaviour will never change don’t you? You will tie yourself in knots trying to keep him pleasant, but nothing you do will ever be enough.

its time for an exit plan OP.

You have learned to force yourself not to react, but you cannot force him not to despise and disrespect you. He wants to say those things because he is who he is: an abuser.

Not moving has nothing to do with it. If you had moved to that town he would still be the same. You need to leave.

@NoSnowdrop YES!! oh god this is the most FRUSTRATING part! Only towards me!! - why is this??

Because he has no respect for you and does not consider you to be equal to him at all. He probably made the effort to act like he did respect you in the earlier stages of your relationship/marriage but the mask has slipped. Do you have children? If you do, please don't let this be their model of how a husband treats a wife. If you don't have children... don't have any with this man!

And surely the aim of therapy is not to train you to put up and shut up?! And put up and shut up for how long? Till death do you part? I really hope not, OP.

Sounds like he doesn't like you very much. Sorry.

Life is too short for this bullshit. He's an abuser. He doesn't make you happy. He makes you feel bad.

I'd dump him and be happy on my own.

I am sure if you were silent and did not "make conversation" he would rant about you being in a mood.

You should consider leaving. However, try to keep interactions to a minimum. If he says why aren't you suggesting things, say, oh anything I say isn't good enough and give a little laugh. If he rants tell him stop shouting and walk away.

If you are trying to make conversation and he is smart just tell him you were trying to make conversation and ask him why he is in a mood? Say 'I can't talk now, I can't say ANYTHING, no need to shout about it. And walk away. Provided he is not violent, this will either bring things to a head so you can leave now, or will keep him from needling you while you decide about leaving.

It is not you.

It's not driving a wedge between the two of you, he's being fucking rude and deliberately trying to undermine you and, yes you're right, he's trying to make you look stupid - it's called emotional abuse!!

I think it's time to learn leaving skills and not coping skills.

Get your ducks in a row and then dump him. Honestly, you'll very quickly feel much happier. Ring Women's Aid for a chat, you'll probably realise there are quite a lot more abusive behaviours which you've normalised. Don't normalise thisone by simply not reacting, harness your anger and then let it rip at the proper time (probably when sorting out divorce!).

You can do it, you really can.

He holds resentment for me as I didn't move to the town he wanted, so i keep thinking maybe its that.

How long do you think a period of resentment should last? Do you think he should be punishing you for ever? Do you think you deserve it?

Do you think it is fine for him to behave appallingly and be abusive, and continue to blame you for it? Do you think you deserve it?

This isn't coping, it's walking on eggshells.

This is what I would say. Loud and clear. Practise it so you know you can deliver it steadily.

He’s behaving like an arsey teenager - and I’ve delivered that type of message (making it clear that lifts, treats etc will stop if I’m spoken to like that again) to my DSs on occasion. Makes no difference who it is - he needs a very firm message. Personally I wouldn’t swear - I would keep it clean but very blunt.

Quite honestly I’m flabbergasted that all a counsellor did was teach you to accept this kind of abuse. I’d have serious concerns about their ethics.

OP, you say you’ve tried talking to him. He hasn’t responded so now it’s time to act. Find your self-respect and kick the inadequate twat out.

im coming out of an abusive relationship and that’s a new revelation. I just thought maybe we were right for each other. I’m reading a book - why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. This is what has made me see he was abusive. Exactly what you describe as being happy and thinking there’s hope. Give it a read.

This is him. This is who he is. Even if it is learnt behaviour, it's a choice to continue it.

He isn't going to get a personality transplant. You need to leave for your own sanity and self esteem, otherwise it will grind you down to a shadow of yourself.

My FIL treated MIL with utter contempt...the way he used to talk to her was disgusting. Even in front of others, much the way you've described your husband does. She had a palpable air of misery around her at all times - a friend of mine who met her a couple of times commented to me how miserable she seemed.

She died unexpectedly a few months ago. Guess who is now giving an Oscar winning performance as widower of the year? Makes me sick. I keep thinking 'you didn't even like her, let alone love her, you hypocrite'.

Your husband doesn't like you. You can't make him like you. Only thing you can do is leave.