Husband makes me feel stupid all the time; but when I react then I have "over reacted?" and "started an argument"

[samanthaoritz]

I don't know how else to explain this pattern of behaviour but it is increasingly making me depressed and frustrated so hopefully someone out there can help. Sorry bit of a long rant!

My husband constantly makes me feel stupid or belittled by his comments; one example this morning I asked how his night with a friend was and what is going on with his new girlfriend and he responds "i don't know i don't care, if you want to know ask him" - I know its only small but comments like this over and over again feel like its constantly driving a wedge between me and my partner (the person you are meant to feel close too)
another example - we have a group chat and he asked people to send ideas into the group so I sent a restaurant and he says things to me like "we are out here trying to plan 10 hour days and you are concerned about 2 hours at dinner" - like yes dinner plans for 8 people are important to plan in advance, again its small but just makes me feel irrelevant and my efforts are stupid.

I replied and said well i did send a photo of a castle into the group chat and no one responded (he does this thing where nothing i do is right and always criticizes me) so he said well you just sent a photo of a castle and didn't say where it was or if anyone wants to do it - like OK now just because i sent a photo of a castle and didn't say WHERE it was it or literally asked DOES ANYONE WANT TO DO THIS it wasn't good enough and i feel stupid. He says I make stupid comments and have no common sense, thats why he says the things he does.

its just so stupid things constantly that are driving us apart. it gets a reaction out of me because I feel personally offended where i am made to feel stupid and he is happy with nothing that I do. He said they are trying to plan 10 hour days and i am only concerned with dinner and i said well yes i dont want to be selfish and take over and plan the entire trip then he replies funny you are the only one sending things to the group - so i done what he asked and now he is making out I'm selfish.

Do you see how I can never win? is this abusive? he makes me mad where i get angry and I keep going on about how he made me feel and trying to explain how he made me feel stupid and he just denies it and says let it go you are "still going on" and its like yes because I feel so annoyed at you right now because he doesn't understand how he made me angry, doesn't apologise and just blames me saying "stupid comments". ugh sorry rant over.

I can’t believe the counselling has shut you down, like a PP I’d be confronting every last little bit of this. And don’t be gaslighted by him.

Because he gets a power trip from being abusive towards you, it makes him feel better making you feel worthless. And it could be any partner. Stop trying to find reason for it, it's just the way he's wired and/or conditioning from his childhood experiences of seeing how his father treated his mother.

It takes some people a lifetime to understand this. Some will never. I have had 20 years of regular therapy and I still struggle to accept this, that which you have articulated so well. It is so hideous when you think of the damage these people cause the good ones. And I know we can all be dicks but growing up with this is another level of psychological hell.

@CM97 i think my therapists aim was if i can heal inside of me why i am being triggered and not react, then I can see him for what he is, OR by miracle he will stop trying to trigger me, either way it would give him room to change, or not

My ex dh was like this. Lovely before we married, absolutely contemptuous of me afterwards. I tied myself in knots trying to find the right way to behave to make the nice husband come back (because it was obviously my fault, right?). Then I found Mumsnet; I lurked and saw people kept mentioning Lundy Bancroft and his book, so I secretly bought it. I read it and highlighted everything that was relevant to my relationship. There was a lot of highlighting!
I didn't have the confidence to leave for another year or so, but at least I started to believe it wasn't me. Then I did leave. It was a bit traumatic for a few months as I got sorted out, but I bought my own house, changed jobs and even managed to privately educate my dc - I'd never have believed I would be in a position to do that before leaving. Actually, he would have made sure I wasn't. Turns out I was really good at living by myself - dc and I had a lovely home where we laughed a lot, made memories and never felt anxious about someone else's moods.
Fast forward a decade and I'm remarried to someone who actually thinks I'm amazing - tells me all the time I'm clever, funny, beautiful, brings me tea and coffee, asks me my opinion, thanks me when I do ordinary things like the ironing (he does that too). I think he's lovely too - and also funny, incredibly clever (there's nothing he can't build or repair), kind, patient, dependable...

Now I know what a marriage is supposed to be like.

Don't waste your life feeling rubbish. It's not you.

Wow your husband's a bitch.

The thing is, you have a choice. You don't have to put up with this and you can leave.

You're wasting an awful lot of your time and energy on him. It's very unlikely that he will ever understand or care about your point of view because he sounds like a complete and utter tosser.

Would you speak to someone like this? Don't you deserve better?

Stop having therapy and save your money for the divorce. As others have said, he’s emotionally abusive and makes you feel bad about yourself. You deserve so much better than this and I hope you manage to leave the nasty scumbag soon.

If you need therapy to be able to cope with normal daily life with someone, they are the wrong person for you (or likely the wrong person for anyone).

He's abusive and / or he has no respect, and a heap of contempt for you.

Don't stick around because he's nice some of the time. Decent people are loving and respectful ALL of the time. Even when they're having a bad day. And they don't blame their OH for their own poor behaviour.

He isn't a decent man. He isn't good for you . You deserve better.

Well, what do you do for him?
Cooking? Keep the house clean? Shopping? Laundry? Admin/organising things? Sex? You haven't mentioned DCs so I've not included childcare.

What does he do for you, other than criticise and belittle?

Excuse me ?
Take a step back and read/fully digest what you said:
" I asked how his night with a friend was and what is going on with his new girlfriend"..
Your husband has a gf?
What side of need to wake up and take control of your life are you on?
OK - listen carefully - start a bank/savings account just for you.
Tell that piece of shite nothing..... keep saving and whatever he says just nod, smile, and say- yes my love. Losers can't answer back if you "agree" with them to shut them up.
Keep doing that as your motive is to placate that utter piece of shite and save money to escape.
Then when you have enough money for one year - LEAVE - immediately..

The way I read it is that the boyfriend has a friendship and the friend has a new girlfriend.