80% of marriages are in 'tolerance' rather than 'happy'?

[BusyCee]

Saw a counsellor friend of mine last week and she said she thinks 80% of marriages are settled in a 'tolerate each other' zone, with partners seeking the meeting of their needs (laughter, shared interests, sex) elsewhere. Can this really be true? I was quite shocked and it's making me wonder how everyone is coping?!

Perhaps your friend has a skewed perspective due to her role. I have been with DH 29 years and we are genuinely very happy. I certainly wouldn't stay with someone if I just tolerated them that would be a bizarre way to spend the one life I have.

I assume most couples your friend knows the relationship details of are in counselling. Her attention is not drawn to the happy ones.

This doesn’t sound unreasonable. A lot of people are very stressed and that will affect their relationship. Even the many posters who will come on to tell you how happy they are, will have had their dark days.

I’m in the 20% then. My DH and I are very open, close, discuss everything and are on the same page with most things.

Most people in marriages are now seem genuinely happy, as I am.

Is your friend taking into account all of the couples that don’t need to seek out counselling?

Arguably applies to teenagers too.

I’m happy.
26 years married.

Yes if it’s coming from the work it’s surely skewed towards those who are there

I'm separated, but of the married couples I know, a high proportion of them don't seem very happy.

Friends that are married often describe situations within their marriage (behaviour) that I wouldn't be happy with.

Considering 50% of marriages end in divorce, and a chunk of the remaining 50% probably should divorce but don’t, I would definitely assume that this ‘tolerance’ zone hovers around 60% at the very least.

I’m in a very happy marriage, but from what I see around me, 80% does not shock me sadly.

I don’t think it’s uncommon, particularly among couples with young children whose relationships are sidelined in favour of caring for them, but your counsellor friend is by definition only meeting unhappy couples or those with problems. Virtually all of my friends say they’re in happy relationships and I believe them, as am I.

But having some of your needs met elsewhere is also perfectly fine, it shouldn’t be framed as a negative or a sign of a failing marriage and I’m surprised a reputable counsellor would do so. Sex, obviously not if you’ve decided to be monogamous; but it’s really important for people to work on maintaining strong independent friendships even when in relationships. You can’t expect one person to be and provide everything you need, and that sort of over-reliance and pressure actually damages relationships.

Your friend is wrong IMO. Obviously, she sees people whose relationships are in trouble, so she's going to have a skewed view. I am very happy, as are all the couple friends I know. People who aren't tend to split up IME. It isn't the fifties.

It’s peaks and troughs, I think. 36 years with DH, both children happily partnered in good jobs, only the two of us at home with enough money to do what we want. It’s easy to be happy now. But it’s not always been like that - we had tough times with money and employment in the past, and we hardly spent any time together for years due to small children and opposing shifts.

I definitely can't relate. DH, who I've been with for 20 years, is my best friend. We crack each other up, do nice things together, still fancy each other and have a sex life that we're both happy with.

What I will say is I don't think it's possible to have a long relationship without a degree of pragmatism.

We went through a difficult patch for about 2 years and what kept me going was thoughts of:

• there's no way I'm selling this house and ending up renting a 1 bed flat
• we've got shared finances and friends
• we share a dog
• we like eachother's families
• I know from friends that the dating scene is absolute shit
• I want his companionship when we're older
• etc etc

That kept me in the relationship until we'd come out the other side.

Of course there's lots of posters screaming they're happy in their marriage. But is their spouse?! 🙄

Yes. Why is that so hard to believe? People on this site always seem to want everyone to be as miserable as they are, and it is very unattractive. The truth is, a therapist is not going to see the happy people ,are they?

My 20 year marriage was happy for about 2 years. 18 years were him sex pestering me relentlessly and being utterly selfish spending every spare minute on his hobbies and not working.
I'm not doing it again. Living on my own does not send me round the bend like he did.

I’m not happy, haven’t been for years, but I’m staying as it’s better for me.
Id be very happy if he said he wanted to split, I’ve said it twice but he’s said he’ll change 😂😂

Your friend is drawing her opinion from a very self-selecting sample.

I totally agree with her. From the outside all my friends look to be in happy relationships but the reality is they are just about tolerating each other. Definitely not happy.
My counsellor when I was seeing one said pretty much the same. With the drudgery of life and raising children, COL etc it’s unsurprising that people aren’t happy.
I stay in my relationship because it’s better than being single and living in poverty. You can’t run a household with 2 children off one low salary

I’ve been with my partner 20 years, and I would say we are happy. We have had difficult patches but we are happy.

I think you would know if your spouse was not happy. If they actively want to spend time with you, seem relaxed and like they're enjoying their home, laugh a lot, are affectionate towards you and so on, then....they're happy.

that’s definitely around right.. if you consider not far off 60% of marriages end up In divorce. That leaves 40%.. a proportion of whom do just tolerate each other and stay cos of finances, kids , habit, abuse etc

Hmm not sure to be honest. My marriage is very happy after 22 years together. I know one couple who is tolerating each other but everyone else seems fine. None of my friends really talk about their marriages much though apart from the odd moan so I can't really tell and I think people often hide their unhappiness out of embarrassment.

I know many couples and they all seem blissfully happy.