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Relationships

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Original poster

80% of marriages are in 'tolerance' rather than 'happy'?

109 replies

BusyCee · 27/04/2024 09:49

Saw a counsellor friend of mine last week and she said she thinks 80% of marriages are settled in a 'tolerate each other' zone, with partners seeking the meeting of their needs (laughter, shared interests, sex) elsewhere. Can this really be true? I was quite shocked and it's making me wonder how everyone is coping?!

OP posts:

craxy · 28/04/2024 18:05

@MsLuxLisbon

Why is it so hard for you to believe that people can be happy?
I think there ar some very happy unions. I also think there are some where one person assumes the other is happy. This is made clear when you read all the posts from people who were 'blindsided' when their partner had an affair or asked for a divorce.
I also raise an eyebrow when people claim they are very happy as are all their friends. No one knows what other people's relationships are really like. Even serious abuse can be successfully covered up to people's nearest and dearest so there us no way anyone can categorically state that they know their friends are all happy

Grenwyn · 28/04/2024 19:08

craxy · 28/04/2024 18:01

You assume everyone has your sex drive. Like you, I have a healthy and regular sec life with my dh of over 30 years but we are both horny buggers.
Many people aren't. Some people have never had much of a libido and over time this can wane even more.
I wouldn't assume they have any relationship problems. As long as they are both of the same level of sexual desire then that's going to work for them.
Some people are even asexual and have NO libido and never have had

Show quote history

I don't assume at all, hence this sentence.

I appreciate everyone has different libidos so regular sex isn't necessarily an indicator of a happy marriage but it is in our case.

tarheelbaby · 28/04/2024 20:13

The relationships about which I know specifically are not what they seem so I reckon many others are not either. I don't know whether I'd put that at 80%. I think some couples are content to play the game because they know that they can have more together.

My best friend from uni and her Mr sleep in separate rooms at opposite ends of the house. She feels he belittles her. But they have two lovely daughters, one a very tricky teen, and life is easier together than apart. I don't think he's as discontent as she is. A few years ago, she asked what I thought about divorcing him but I pointed out that she'd have to do all the same organising as now plus more.
The beautiful couple in my dad's town split because she met someone new. She had frozen out her husband sexually and he was tolerating that because he liked everything else about their life. In public, they seemed the perfect couple. Everyone in the town was devastated and dumbfounded. We thought they were both wonderful: how could anyone not enjoy being married to one of them?
My own marriage became a hollow shell in its last years. Until 2020, I was content and sometimes happy. On paper, it looked great: lovely DDs, comfortable house, frequent holidays. DH was actually an excellent partner: practical, handy around the house, did some chores and some admin, generous, considerate, clever, useful; but all the interpersonal magic was gone. He would not romance me despite direct requests. [that whole 'tell your partner what you'd like' - cue bitter, hollow laughter] For 10 years, I had tried to spark it by encouraging weekends away, holidays, evenings out, but there was no reciprocation. When I told him that I was asking for these so that we could try to rekindle the magic, he wouldn't contribute. I regularly agreed to sex because it was more pleasant than his sulking and after he was diagnosed I made up my mind never to refuse him. Accidentally, I met someone online - I wasn't on any dating sites, much less looking - and had a fantastic EA. DH was quite surprised when he found out and totally confused. I reminded him of all the nights I cried and he stonewalled me. I reminded him of the times I cried and he waited until I'd stopped and fucked me anyways. Around the same time as the EA, I started a new job (which he had not wanted me to take!) and met many lovely people. I stayed with him because I knew he'd screw me financially if I left and because he was sick enough that I'd have looked a right bitch because he had a terminal illness. So I waited him out. His family and friends have no idea. They think I'm devastated and can't believe how bravely I'm coping ... I wonder how many of them are secretly jealous that I am now single and have all the assets.
And my EA: he has been tolerating a sexless marriage for at least 5 years now. He says he has great affection for his Mrs and I know they run a very successful business together. They have several beautiful houses and a successful DD. They had a big lunch out for their 25th and spent 6 weeks caravanning around NZ together (how?!). She posted pics of their anniversary lunch and from their wedding album with the comment 'still hanging in there'. But I also know that he has a separate, extensive, sexual life of several affairs not to mention our ongoing sexting. I don't think she knows about or would be ok with about his extra-curriculars - especially the scope - and I doubt she has any herself.
Close colleague was totally blindsided when his wife of ca. 20 years announced that she leaving. He was content noodling along. She had been unhappy for a few years. He said, 'I didn't even realise you were unhappy' and she replied, 'That's the problem right there'.

Sooooootired01 · 28/04/2024 21:16

@tarheelbaby Are you with the other man now?

Oblomov24 · 28/04/2024 22:14

She's probably got a skewed perspective, treating counselling couples. Dh and I are ok.

Oblomov24 · 28/04/2024 22:19

The question is, if money wasn't an object to separating, eg if you won the lottery, 200 million, 100 million each, would you stay together? Even I have to admit that I fear Dh wouldn't.

Youdontevengohere · 28/04/2024 22:21

We’d stay together and enjoy spending the cash! We’re both high earners anyway so money isn’t really a barrier to us separating. We could both afford a nice house each and maintain a high level of savings etc.

MsLuxLisbon · 28/04/2024 22:28

tarheelbaby · 28/04/2024 20:13

My best friend from uni and her Mr sleep in separate rooms at opposite ends of the house. She feels he belittles her. But they have two lovely daughters, one a very tricky teen, and life is easier together than apart. I don't think he's as discontent as she is. A few years ago, she asked what I thought about divorcing him but I pointed out that she'd have to do all the same organising as now plus more.
The beautiful couple in my dad's town split because she met someone new. She had frozen out her husband sexually and he was tolerating that because he liked everything else about their life. In public, they seemed the perfect couple. Everyone in the town was devastated and dumbfounded. We thought they were both wonderful: how could anyone not enjoy being married to one of them?
My own marriage became a hollow shell in its last years. Until 2020, I was content and sometimes happy. On paper, it looked great: lovely DDs, comfortable house, frequent holidays. DH was actually an excellent partner: practical, handy around the house, did some chores and some admin, generous, considerate, clever, useful; but all the interpersonal magic was gone. He would not romance me despite direct requests. [that whole 'tell your partner what you'd like' - cue bitter, hollow laughter] For 10 years, I had tried to spark it by encouraging weekends away, holidays, evenings out, but there was no reciprocation. When I told him that I was asking for these so that we could try to rekindle the magic, he wouldn't contribute. I regularly agreed to sex because it was more pleasant than his sulking and after he was diagnosed I made up my mind never to refuse him. Accidentally, I met someone online - I wasn't on any dating sites, much less looking - and had a fantastic EA. DH was quite surprised when he found out and totally confused. I reminded him of all the nights I cried and he stonewalled me. I reminded him of the times I cried and he waited until I'd stopped and fucked me anyways. Around the same time as the EA, I started a new job (which he had not wanted me to take!) and met many lovely people. I stayed with him because I knew he'd screw me financially if I left and because he was sick enough that I'd have looked a right bitch because he had a terminal illness. So I waited him out. His family and friends have no idea. They think I'm devastated and can't believe how bravely I'm coping ... I wonder how many of them are secretly jealous that I am now single and have all the assets.
And my EA: he has been tolerating a sexless marriage for at least 5 years now. He says he has great affection for his Mrs and I know they run a very successful business together. They have several beautiful houses and a successful DD. They had a big lunch out for their 25th and spent 6 weeks caravanning around NZ together (how?!). She posted pics of their anniversary lunch and from their wedding album with the comment 'still hanging in there'. But I also know that he has a separate, extensive, sexual life of several affairs not to mention our ongoing sexting. I don't think she knows about or would be ok with about his extra-curriculars - especially the scope - and I doubt she has any herself.
Close colleague was totally blindsided when his wife of ca. 20 years announced that she leaving. He was content noodling along. She had been unhappy for a few years. He said, 'I didn't even realise you were unhappy' and she replied, 'That's the problem right there'.

Aren't you ashamed to be helping him cheat? Plus you have no idea if what he tells you is the truth. Are you not bothered that he is sleeping with other women on the side? He sounds incredibly sleazy to me.

LAvortonDeLaLitière · 28/04/2024 22:29

She "thinks" 80% of marriages are in tolerance. Does she quote any kind of research or figures to support this or has she plucked it out of thin air?
I have been married for a long time, mostly good, occasionally we cannot stand each other and sometimes we probably "tolerate" each other. And thank god for that. We like being married and we like being married to each other. As we near retirement, we are genuinely excited to see what comes next. I am so pleased that neither of us simply walked away on those many, many days when "tolerating" was what we did.

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