80% of marriages are in 'tolerance' rather than 'happy'?

[BusyCee]

Saw a counsellor friend of mine last week and she said she thinks 80% of marriages are settled in a 'tolerate each other' zone, with partners seeking the meeting of their needs (laughter, shared interests, sex) elsewhere. Can this really be true? I was quite shocked and it's making me wonder how everyone is coping?!

I can only speak for myself but he regularly tells me he is happy and I have no reason not to believe him. Why do you think partners of people comfortable and 'into' their relationships wouldn't be happy as standard?

Can’t see why he wouldn’t be. We have a lovely life together, plenty of sex, laugh a lot, go on lovely holidays. If he’s not happy he’s a really good actor.
Funny that people can’t bear to accept that other people are happy 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Surely the marriage vows acknowledge that all marriages go through periods of tolerance. All that 'in sickness and in health', 'for better or worse stuff' is to say hang on in their for love as all that will pass.

I'd agree. I think mainly for financial/lifestyle reasons. I guess it all boils down to what matters to individuals the most.

This is so true.

What does happy mean?

I’d describe us as content, which probably sounds closer to tolerating each other, but to my mind is the ideal. We’re settled, warm, thoughtful and kind to each other. Our rhythms and habits sync. We occasionally have amazing sex and we have very nice sex more often. We both bring some irritations and flaws that we tolerate in each other. We chat, touch, hug every day.

I think we were happy in the early stages of our relationship - deliriously so, and while I treasure those memories, I wouldn’t want to be in that phase of life now. It’s taken two decades to get here and it’s lovely. Happy sounds a bit too energetic.

But to my mind, it’s less about what you feel than what you do. Marriage and relationships need tending. Tolerating is a verb - and it’s not a bad one. It’s actually a good foundation to build on. But happy is an adjective and an either/or state.

I’m over 60 and so are most of my friends. The really toxic marriages ended within 2-3 years, the otherwise futile ones ended when the youngest DC was grown (including mine). The rest - probs 80% of the total remaining - will just stick it out until death now, because they can tolerate and support each other even if they aren’t mad about each other and quite often drive each other insane. It’s not ideal but it’s ok I guess. There’s a lot more to life than the state of your relationship. (I’m glad it’s not me though!)

Beautifully put!

Did she definitely mean 80% of marriages are in tolerance all of the time with zero nice bits or did she mean in a normal marriage 80% is tolerating each other and 20% the frilly bits of laughter, fun etc. I could definitely believe the second one.

Why is it so hard for you to believe that people can be happy?

Even that is unduly pessimistic, but I agree that it would make more sense than the premise of this thread (which I frankly find nonsensical)

I know, it's absurd! I think that these people are miserable themselves and either want everyone else to be or genuinely can't imagine that some people are actually happy. Either way, I'm sorry for them. Being so bitter and pessimistic must be a miserable way to live. I know one or two people like that in real life and I give them a wide berth as they have a way of sucking the energy out of a room.

Nobody’s perfect so I’d say the sign of a happy marriage is that you do tolerate your spouse. My dh tolerates my inherent tendency toward laziness and I tolerate his nervous energy anxiety and inability to sleep. Twenty years after meeting I’ll admit I don’t get excited every time he comes through the door but I certainly don’t dread it and I do look forward to spending holidays together. I enjoy his company but we often spend hours in separate rooms doing our own thing (not something we’d have done when first dating).

personally I don’t think it’s necessary or even desirable to live for 20+ years in that heightened “honeymoon” phase.

This
30 years
My friends are in happy relationship too

I'll ask him as he's cuddled up next to me - yes he is

I do find it amusing how a therapist's view of married couples' happiness is viewed as 'skewed', and then loads of people come on saying 'well my marriage is fine and my friends' marriages are happy too'.
Well that's that then!

We're never going to really know for sure are we unless some kind of massive national survey is done, but it wouldn't surprise me if it's about 80%.
How many women would openly admit they're not happy to friends/family, especially if on the surface it seems good and young children are involved, and it involves a dissatisfaction with something very personal, such as sex/ageing etc. With that comes alot of guilt/shame.

Happiness is hard to define really. Some people are more easily pleased than others.

I think the divorce rate is 42% but of them I’ll bet many said they were happy until their spouse cheated on them or whatever.

I’m fairly neutral on my marriage. I don’t expect my DH to make me happy. I find my happiness in other ways. Most of my friends are still married but have their gripes like everyone does. Nothing is going to be 100% perfect.

But the therapist's view IS skewed! She only sees the unhappy couples!

I'm not saying it isn't!

The first thing that goes is intimacy. I have witnessed this in many of my friends and family's failing relationships. If a couple can't tolerate each other the last thing they want to do is be intimate.

I am happily married and we have a healthy sex life. If all of a sudden that started to dwindle, without a medical related cause, I would be questioning whether there was some underlying resentment going on. I appreciate everyone has different libidos so regular sex isn't necessarily an indicator of a happy marriage but it is in our case.

The thing is it's so subjective. One persons tolerating is another persons happiness.

We live in an age where its so easy to hide our true selves. One person might be obliviously unaware their partner has a hidden secret life that if they knew about would threaten their level of contentment.

I wonder how many relationships are only working because the women in particular are getting all their emotional needs met by friends and family rather than their partner. That type of relationship wouldn't work for me at all but those people would be saying they were blissfully happy. We can't really compare or know because there are no set parameters/expectations. We are all so different.

We just won't ever really know the true stats but evidence does show a lot of people are very unhappy.

Of course it's true. Naiive to think otherwise IMO.

Interestingly, 40% of my close mates are having affairs. The others are pretty unhappy and can't wait to leave.

Human relationships are pretty crap IMO.

Absolutely in tolerance, sometimes in tears, sometimes happy.

I suspect DH is currently having an affair which doesn't upset me as much as it should. I'm sadder that he occasionally says a lovely thing but it has to wrung out of him and is swallowed by the bitter argument surrounding it.

We could have a great 20 more years together, we've already done 30 but another part of me is googling one bed houses. Moving on, walking away from emotional & physical burdens.

But yes, from the outside you'd definitely think we were super happy

I wouldn't be surprised if she was right.

I would divorce immediately if I could afford it. But I have a small child and a big child, and I am on my own in this country. So gonna have to wait a bit.

You assume everyone has your sex drive. Like you, I have a healthy and regular sec life with my dh of over 30 years but we are both horny buggers.
Many people aren't. Some people have never had much of a libido and over time this can wane even more.
I wouldn't assume they have any relationship problems. As long as they are both of the same level of sexual desire then that's going to work for them.
Some people are even asexual and have NO libido and never have had