80% of marriages are in 'tolerance' rather than 'happy'?

[BusyCee]

Saw a counsellor friend of mine last week and she said she thinks 80% of marriages are settled in a 'tolerate each other' zone, with partners seeking the meeting of their needs (laughter, shared interests, sex) elsewhere. Can this really be true? I was quite shocked and it's making me wonder how everyone is coping?!

It seems a bit high of a percentage. However I do suspect there's a that of the 50% not divorced there's a chunk that are tolerating each other.

Out of the remain amount there has got to be a devent percentage of couples where one partner thinks they are gloriously happily married, whilst the other partner is happy to go along with the relationship because they have something else going on outside of it. I just think for every one couple which you hear that an affair by one partner is discovered that just wasn't suspected at all, there are probably many more couples with a partner getting away with it and the other blissfully clueless.

I’m in the 80% 😢.

Well happily married couples don't go to marriage counselling. I think 80 is a bit high, 20% would be my guestimate.

My marriage seems wonderful on the outside. We don’t argue, we laugh together. He’s outwardly supportive of me. We have everything we’ve wanted.

But I cry a lot. No one knows as I don’t talk about it. He doesn’t know either but he’s never raised concerns with me about our relationship. He just gets on and does his own thing.

I would say general contentment rather than tolerance or happiness.

I read somewhere that there was a rise in divorce rate with women in the same sex marriage due to abuse.

I read something like that got me thinking about some bi women blaming men when in fact it is them that are abusive but no one would believe a man really.
There was a story about it i read online.
Ill try and find the link.

What’s so terrible about ‘tolerance’? As long as it is interspersed with moments (hours, days, weeks ) of conscious happiness, and not too many of rage or despair, it seems fine to me.

As pp has said, it’s better to have alternative sources of interest and support though. I don’t share cricket with DH, he doesn’t share painting and Early Church History with me ( same relationship since 1983).

edit :bad bracket

Why don't you talk about it?

Surely addressing it has to be better than living like this?

I was in an abusive marriage. I talked to him & did everything I could to 'fix' the marriage. I cried alone a lot too, as I put on a front for the rest of the world. Thankfully it's long over but I remember that private loneliness. Horrific.

There's nothing terrible about tolerance, however, I tolerate people at work and I tolerate the general public all day. I want to come home to someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with, who makes me feel happy.

Also, having different interests has nothing to do with whether you tolerate each other or not.

Your friend citing that people have their needs met by seeing other people? What does she expect from a marriage ? Everything rolled into one , one person for all needs ? You sure your friend is a qualified counsellor ? Sounds more like someone with dodgy qualifications .

Your Maths is wrong!

If you are taking the proportion of all marriages that are happy or unhappy at a point in time, that won't include the 60% of marriages that end in divorce.

It's based on the state of marriage (so couples still together) at any point - it's silly to think 80% are just about tolerating each other (and nothing else)

A proportion will be very unhappy, another proportion will have difficulties but possible opportunities to resolve, and another proportion will be happy.

Hard to estimate the balance of those proportions.

The figure doesn’t surprise me. Life is bloody tough, despite the advancement in technology etc. yes of course there are some genuinely happy couples (most of them on here from the look of it) but I think there are many people who have to make daily compromises to remain in a relatively stable relationship and would not consider being particularly happy in their marriage. The worry of kids, lack of money, employment commitments and differing levels of libido all make for big challenges in a relationship.

This is so sad to read.
Why don’t you tell him about whatever it is that’s making you cry? Even if it’s him - there are much better ways of living.

I simply don’t believe that.

We have been married for 29 years and we are really happy and love each other to bits. I’d say the same is true for pretty much all of our friends and families.

The worry of kids, lack of money, employment commitments and differing levels of libido all make for big challenges in a relationship.

That isn't the same as just 'tolerating' each other as per OP's post. Which seems to be about putting up with each other, no joy or happiness.

Most couples deal with some or all of that, and will have moments of unhappiness but it doesn't mean they are always unhappy or only tolerating their spouse.

I have been with my DH more than 34 years and we are both very happy. All the couples we know are also happy.
I wonder if it has any correlation to the fact that we are (almost) all in second marriages and beyond the young DC stage of life?
I would not stay in a shit relationship - life is too short

And this ^ is exactly what marriage is about. Someone you like, care for, protect and share with. But also someone who you may have difficult times with and stressful parts. Being able to navigate those and come through into a good place is the foundation of a good marriage.

Maybe you're just in the 20 per cent then, which is good of course but very naive to think there's not many out there who are not as happy. When I think of all my friends and family there's only one friend of mine that's in a very happy marriage the rest are just putting up with.

In my experience you can never assume a happy marriage. Lots of couples fake it in public.

Aren't most relationships phasic? Probably most people experience some period of bad times but that doesn't define the whole thing.

I think having small kids probably makes things harder for a while (although it might bring some people closer together).

Well I assume mine is as we have fun together, laugh together, do nice things together, are affectionate with each other and have good sex. He doesn’t seem desperate to leave 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've been very unhappily married (first husband) and blissfully happy. When I look around friends and family, the vast majority are happily married. I know not every marriage is happy, of course, but I think your friend has a skewed view, probably because of her job.

For all those people who say 'just because you're happily married, and think other people are, don't assume that's the norm' I'd say 'just because your friend thinks people aren't happy, it doesn't mean she's right'.

I'm very happy, been together for 13 years no sure how long she considers in that assessment. Definitely don't tolerate I love him deeply.

People in healthy relationship doesn't go to counselling.