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Original poster

How do I handle this...

107 replies

alexis97 · 26/04/2024 22:51

Hi Mumsnet,

I need some advice on how to handle this situation.

Been with my husband 4 years, within that time I gained a brother in law... now the fun part *sarcasm...

Said brother in law has always taken an interest towards me, will actively say things infront of his family, my husband and his fiancé about how I picked the wrong brother, will call me numerous times a day and get annoyed if I don't respond or answer and will call my husband demanding to talk to me or asking my whereabouts, message me about 20 times a day, sometimes even random things like he doesn't know what to say but just wants to message me, when I'm near him or end up in situations where I'm alone he will attempt to touch me, put his hands places where he shouldn't. I reject his advances everytime and tell him to stop and leave me alone, he never listens.. family tell him to stop and he is out of line, as does his fiancé, I feel dreadful for her. I reject him everytime and tell him he has a fiancé and I married his brother and I'm not interested. It's a very unsettling situation for me. He asks me to go out on "brother, sister dates" but I don't go for the fear of him doing something. We did this when me and husband first got together and he told my husband I let him our flat while he was working away, I never he dropped me at the door. We are also going abroad later in the year as a full family about 15 of us going. I'm very worried that he's going to try and be inappropriate. I can't exactly wear a cardigan and jeans and will be in swimwear.. I once had a Bardot shoulder top on and was told to "cover up because his blood pressure was going through the roof" and not to breastfeed my 4 month old baby on holiday because it would make him feel a certain way if you get me, REALLY.... advice please 🙃

OP posts:
PhuckyNell · 26/04/2024 22:59

There's so much wrong with this I can't even find the words

you have to leave and get away from this fucked up family

if this is true which I am finding hard to believe! I don't know they do say truth is stranger than fiction though.

LarkRiseSummer · 26/04/2024 23:02

What does your husband have to say about his brother's massively inappropriate behaviour?

Original poster
alexis97 · 26/04/2024 23:26

PhuckyNell · 26/04/2024 22:59

There's so much wrong with this I can't even find the words

you have to leave and get away from this fucked up family

if this is true which I am finding hard to believe! I don't know they do say truth is stranger than fiction though.

Trust me I wish it wasn't true, but it is... and I'm living it right now... it's absolutely dreadful and makes me uncomfortable on the daily 🥲

OP posts:
Original poster
alexis97 · 26/04/2024 23:28

LarkRiseSummer · 26/04/2024 23:02

What does your husband have to say about his brother's massively inappropriate behaviour?

My husband is very uncomfortable about it all, growing up every girlfriend or love interest he's had his brother has always behaved this way, but more so worse than he ever has been towards me. His mam batters it off as banter, but it's getting to a point now where I'm ready to stop attending family gatherings it's so bad.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 26/04/2024 23:35

Kick him in the balls already or invest in a taser / cattle prod.

Your in-laws are all disgusting and the fact your husband cringes away and lets his brother molest and harass you is bloody vile. Why are you spending time with ANY of them?

category12 · 26/04/2024 23:39

First off, stop talking to him on the phone. He gets his way all the time by bullying, and accepting his calls etc doesn't help. Block his number.

And yes, stop attending family gatherings and don't go on the holiday.

Nobody in the family is intervening to stop his harassment of you. He's not deterred by your dislike of the behaviour. He's groping you.

Stand up for yourself and remove yourself from the situation before he does worse.

If he continues to bother you, consider going to the police or at least threatening to go to the police if he doesn't quit harassing you.

If it causes problems in the family, so be it, they're doing nothing to protect you.

LandArt · 26/04/2024 23:39

StrawberryWater · 26/04/2024 23:35

Kick him in the balls already or invest in a taser / cattle prod.

Your in-laws are all disgusting and the fact your husband cringes away and lets his brother molest and harass you is bloody vile. Why are you spending time with ANY of them?

This. You’re dealing with a whole-family campaign of sexual harassment.

fromaytobe · 26/04/2024 23:42

I'd have slapped the fucker round the face by now. Just refuse point blank to go anywhere near him ever again.

Your husband is being utterly spineless by the way.

Original poster
alexis97 · 26/04/2024 23:51

StrawberryWater · 26/04/2024 23:35

Kick him in the balls already or invest in a taser / cattle prod.

Your in-laws are all disgusting and the fact your husband cringes away and lets his brother molest and harass you is bloody vile. Why are you spending time with ANY of them?

The sad thing is, my husband defends me day in and day out. There's been times he's almost (I don't condone violence) but almost gave him a good clout for it. You can tell how much it visibly upsets his fiancé too. Im at the end of my rope with it. My husband suffers with bipolar and when he kicks off about the situation his brother *the problem... always says it's his bipolar flaring up and uses that as a defence for why my husband is acting that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
alexis97 · 26/04/2024 23:55

category12 · 26/04/2024 23:39

First off, stop talking to him on the phone. He gets his way all the time by bullying, and accepting his calls etc doesn't help. Block his number.

And yes, stop attending family gatherings and don't go on the holiday.

Nobody in the family is intervening to stop his harassment of you. He's not deterred by your dislike of the behaviour. He's groping you.

Stand up for yourself and remove yourself from the situation before he does worse.

If he continues to bother you, consider going to the police or at least threatening to go to the police if he doesn't quit harassing you.

If it causes problems in the family, so be it, they're doing nothing to protect you.

I've stopped answering calls and texts, which is why he's started calling my husband after I don't answer his calls, asking where I am, what I'm doing and saying he needs to talk to me because it's "important".

The behaviour really really creeps me out, I needed to vent on here because it's really really been bothering me. When I tell him I'm not going out with him when he asks and say because I'm spending time with my husband he gets so visibly upset. It's a very odd situation to be in.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 27/04/2024 00:04

At the next family gathering, I would say in front of everyone ‘Jack, do you think your behaviour towards me is in anyway normal? Or appropriate? If you weren’t my BIL, I would have called the Police years ago, you know that don’t you? Yesterday you messaged me 20 times, the day before you rang me X times. I never reply, I never answer and then you ring Matt and hound him about my whereabouts. It’s really not normal, I can’t go away in the summer with everyone if this carries on, it’s getting me down. Linda, Martin (PILs) can you intervene and tell him because it’s weird, odd and downright creepy.

You need to call him out, this is a family problem. Everyone should be telling him to stop.

Renamed · 27/04/2024 00:05

umm if this is real I can see why you would be all over the place, but people are doubting because this is OFF THE WALL. Why do you have to see this guy? Why does your husband pass on his messages? Why can you not say you won’t see or speak to him anymore, and have your husband back you up?

JammyJellyfish · 27/04/2024 00:05

You have a husband issue here as well as a BIL. What does your husband say when BIL calls him? He should be shutting this down and I really cannot understand why you agree to go on a big family holiday with them. Change your mobile numbers or block him - both of you.

BIL is playing a huge mind\power game here - I suspect with his brother (your husband).

When I tell him I'm not going out with him when he asks and say because I'm spending time with my husband he gets so visibly upset.
This is where it is going wrong - you both do not owe him an explanation. Stop pandering and playing along with this. Grey rock him and avoid the family altogether until this gets sorted out. Do not go on the family holiday - no good will come of it.

NotNowGertrude · 27/04/2024 00:11

You need to protect yourself & get away from his family. Why not refuse to be around them, it's crazy

Opentooffers · 27/04/2024 00:13

He's weird and has MH needs. His fiancé must be equally odd too, to be putting up with him. Your DH needs to tell him its non of his business where you are at any point in time.
Has nobody taken him to task? Have you not? You say you've declined his invites, but have you told him off for being inapprobriate. Every time he says an innuendo, he needs telling, especially in front of others " that's inappopriate" on repeat, until he gets the message. Any inappropriate touching should be met with police threats - it's asault.
I can't tell if all the family perhaps have some ND and you are NT, or maybe you have some ND yourself, as this has gone on fpr years and apart from squirming, its very odd that nobody, including yourself, hasn't sorted him out yet. It all seems very odd and could be sorted by ostracising him until he learns to behave, or permanently. Why on earth are you going near him?

Original poster
alexis97 · 27/04/2024 00:13

Renamed · 27/04/2024 00:05

umm if this is real I can see why you would be all over the place, but people are doubting because this is OFF THE WALL. Why do you have to see this guy? Why does your husband pass on his messages? Why can you not say you won’t see or speak to him anymore, and have your husband back you up?

It's extremely off the wall, it's got to a point where I honestly want to suggest to my husband that we move away. People are scared to tell him his behaviour is wrong,he's caused lots of problems in our family and his mam wants to keep the peace. He's the first born golden child who can't do anything wrong in her eyes. My best friends mam when I confided in her the other day said she thinks he's odd and did before she heard this.

OP posts:
Renamed · 27/04/2024 00:17

But you’re not married to your mother in law! Why is your husband going along with this?!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2024 00:18

Op, why do you ever go anywhere near this man? Why have you not refused to have anything to do with him? Why on earth would you agree to go on holiday with him?

Original poster
alexis97 · 27/04/2024 00:20

Opentooffers · 27/04/2024 00:13

He's weird and has MH needs. His fiancé must be equally odd too, to be putting up with him. Your DH needs to tell him its non of his business where you are at any point in time.
Has nobody taken him to task? Have you not? You say you've declined his invites, but have you told him off for being inapprobriate. Every time he says an innuendo, he needs telling, especially in front of others " that's inappopriate" on repeat, until he gets the message. Any inappropriate touching should be met with police threats - it's asault.
I can't tell if all the family perhaps have some ND and you are NT, or maybe you have some ND yourself, as this has gone on fpr years and apart from squirming, its very odd that nobody, including yourself, hasn't sorted him out yet. It all seems very odd and could be sorted by ostracising him until he learns to behave, or permanently. Why on earth are you going near him?

He's been challenged by myself and my husband on multiple occasions. The reason why I've been in the same room is because we get invited to my mother in laws house for tea but he is also invited. I have been declining messages and calls, telling him to leave me alone and stop his behaviour. I have relentlessly had arguments about this with him but it never stops. I'm constantly on edge at family gatherings. I spoke to my husband tonight with concerns about going on holiday with the full family. I'm not NT, just been scared to confront it in a way it gets everyone involved as his mam gets sad when everyone argues and I've been scared to disrupt the peace in the family.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2024 00:24

Come on, fuck the "peace in the family" nonsense. He's stalking, harassing and assaulting you. If you don't stand up for yourself and completely refuse to be anywhere near him, no one else will, clearly. You should also report this to the police and get a molestation order.

altmember · 27/04/2024 00:25

What an absolutely vile man. Unfortunately I think the only way he's going to get the message is if you put him down and humiliate him. When he phones you ask him coldly and bluntly "what do you want?" Then tell him to eff off hand hang up. If he calls your DH and asks for you then I'd expect your husband to take the same approach. If he can't manage that and pases the phone to you, you do as above and then tell your DH that you never want to speak to his brother again.

You all sound too meek to deal with this bloke. Take the lead on it. Next time he steps out of line with you, make an absolute scene out of it somehow. Try saying very loudly "Am I the only one her who finds this man absolutely abhorrent?" Go round the round/table asking for each person's opinion. Hopefully at least some of them will back you up and have the strength to speak out if you take the lead on it. As I said, you need to humiliate and belittle him, that's the only way to get the message through his thick skull.

Or just refuse to go to family gatherings and make absolutely clear that it's because you can't stand to be in the same room as that vile pervert.

I don't condone violence, but i think with this animal the it might be appropriate to respond by by slapping him round the face or throwing your drink at him if he tries to touch you.

SamW98 · 27/04/2024 00:27

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2024 00:24

Come on, fuck the "peace in the family" nonsense. He's stalking, harassing and assaulting you. If you don't stand up for yourself and completely refuse to be anywhere near him, no one else will, clearly. You should also report this to the police and get a molestation order.

💯- he’s harassing you in plain sight and the family are complicit

Personally I wouldn’t give a fuck about keeping the peace. I’d avoid the whole bunch of enablers.

I would tell him that one attempt to harass you and you’re going to the police to file a complaint against him. The blokes dangerous and at one point he’ll do something that really crosses the line unless he’s stopped or cut off.

yhk · 27/04/2024 00:31

If he's been challenged on multiple occasions it's clear he won't stop harassing you.

If I were you, I'd just bin off your husband's whole family and never see them again.

CheekyHobson · 27/04/2024 00:35

”Jack, do you think your behaviour towards me is in anyway normal? Or appropriate? If you weren’t my BIL, I would have called the Police years ago, you know that don’t you?”

I would suggest amending this to:

“Jack, do you think your behaviour towards me is in anyway normal? Or appropriate? Ive given you far too much leeway because you’re my BIL, but that is now over, and if you touch, comment or try to contact me inappropriately ever again, I’ll do what I should have done years ago and go to the police.”

category12 · 27/04/2024 05:38

alexis97 · 27/04/2024 00:20

He's been challenged by myself and my husband on multiple occasions. The reason why I've been in the same room is because we get invited to my mother in laws house for tea but he is also invited. I have been declining messages and calls, telling him to leave me alone and stop his behaviour. I have relentlessly had arguments about this with him but it never stops. I'm constantly on edge at family gatherings. I spoke to my husband tonight with concerns about going on holiday with the full family. I'm not NT, just been scared to confront it in a way it gets everyone involved as his mam gets sad when everyone argues and I've been scared to disrupt the peace in the family.

Show quote history

But there isn't "peace" in the family.

There is massive dysfunction in the family. There is sexual harassment in the family. There is a risk he will actually rape you.

Honestly, you should step away from them all.

You have kids, if you have a daughter, when she is older, what if he turns his attentions on her? Who's going to stand up for her with creepy uncle when everyone's watched you squirm and laughed it off for years? She'll grow up thinking this sort of stuff is normal in families and that if it happens to her no-one will help her.

Stop buying into maintaining the "peace" of this fucked up family.

You need to stop seeing them.