How do I handle this...

[alexis97]

Hi Mumsnet,

I need some advice on how to handle this situation.

Been with my husband 4 years, within that time I gained a brother in law... now the fun part *sarcasm...

Said brother in law has always taken an interest towards me, will actively say things infront of his family, my husband and his fiancé about how I picked the wrong brother, will call me numerous times a day and get annoyed if I don't respond or answer and will call my husband demanding to talk to me or asking my whereabouts, message me about 20 times a day, sometimes even random things like he doesn't know what to say but just wants to message me, when I'm near him or end up in situations where I'm alone he will attempt to touch me, put his hands places where he shouldn't. I reject his advances everytime and tell him to stop and leave me alone, he never listens.. family tell him to stop and he is out of line, as does his fiancé, I feel dreadful for her. I reject him everytime and tell him he has a fiancé and I married his brother and I'm not interested. It's a very unsettling situation for me. He asks me to go out on "brother, sister dates" but I don't go for the fear of him doing something. We did this when me and husband first got together and he told my husband I let him our flat while he was working away, I never he dropped me at the door. We are also going abroad later in the year as a full family about 15 of us going. I'm very worried that he's going to try and be inappropriate. I can't exactly wear a cardigan and jeans and will be in swimwear.. I once had a Bardot shoulder top on and was told to "cover up because his blood pressure was going through the roof" and not to breastfeed my 4 month old baby on holiday because it would make him feel a certain way if you get me, REALLY.... advice please 🙃

I'd be very concerned for your safety. Its genuinely stalking and I'm sure women have taken out restraining orders for similar. He's infatuated, unhealthy so. I'd consider contacting the police. Just because he's extended family doesn't make it OK.

I really would honestly just cut them off! Stop going to any in-law meet ups and definitely ditch the holiday - they sound horrific!

Has he ever just been plainly told to fuck off?

Stop trying to get through to a man who is going ahead anyway. He's the golden child in the family dynamic, and an abusive narcissist, he's not going to listen.

You're going to need to go no contact with the whole family if your marriage stands a chance. Yes moving away would make it all easier. Block him already and get husband to tell him to leave you alone, every single time he demands to speak to you or see you. I'd make a record of the consistent attempts to contact you and speak to the police about it. I CERTAINLY wouldn't attend family events any more and your H needs to tell the family that his brother's harassment of you is the reason why. Have a one line stock response for the flying monkeys (family who will contact you to gaslight you, minimise his behaviour, and try to get you to restore the status quo) and block them if needed. If I were your husband I would go low contact with the lot of them but that's his call to make.

And for goodness sake don't go on that holiday, and make sure everybody knows it's because creepy BIL will behave like a creep toward you.

You and your dh need to go nc with the entire family

by replying and stating the obvious (not interested, this is inappropriate) you are playing straight into his hands. He is getting off on the drama and I really do think this is not about the OP but something between the brothers. Some obscure sick form of bullying. Suspect the MIL is in on it as well with the tea parties.

Go NC, move, change mobile numbers, and move without telling anyone.

Block him
Husband block him
Do not go on holiday
Do not visit mil she cam come to you

Protect yourself OP. He sound very very dangerous

I would get the hell away from all of them actually. They sound incredibly dysfunctional. your husband obviously wants contact with his family and quite rightly so but that really is a very unhealthy thing for you.

I would leave the whole lot of them.

What a creep. He's doing this to get at your DH.

Your current strategy isn't working at all.

You need to cut them all off. Would your DH support you doing that? Probably not, from the sounds of it.

If you do continue interacting with him (which you shouldn't) then record his comments as much as you can, take screenshots of his missed calls and texts.

You've got a list of bike interactions with this man as long as your arm.

I'd be inclined to say you haven't taken this to the police before now out of respect to the family but despite multiple requests for support in making it stop they haven't respected you and helped.

So the time has come and this illegal, vile, stalking behaviour needs to be reported to the police.

For your own safety, extricate yourself from family gatherings. DH's response needs to become "leave her alone" on repeat.

Don't go in the holiday, it won't go well.

"his mam gets sad when everyone argues and I've been scared to disrupt the peace in the family."

His mother is pathetic and there isn't peace in the family because you're being stalked and abused by her 'golden child'. Your husband needs to step up and refuse to have anything to do with any event that his brother will be at. You do not have to be in this man's company - flatly refuse all occasions where he's likely to be. If he turns up, leave. Block him on your phone.

I haven’t read the full thread op, just your posts and I’m sure someone has already said this, but…

I would say to him, in front of everyone if necessary “If you continue to harass me, call me, or make inappropriate remarks towards me, then I am going to go to the police”.

Then, if he continues, you do just that. File a complaint. Cancel the holiday.

Your brother in law sounds completely unstable and potentially dangerous, so get your husband onboard as well.

You and your husband need to improve your boundaries. Go no contact with his family.

Agree if it was anyone else you’d probably have contacted the police by now.

we get invited to my mother in laws house for tea but he is also invited

if you know he is going simply don’t go. And say clearly we aren’t going because BIL is going to be there.
if you go and are ambushed get up and leave.

re the holiday
there is no way I would go on the holiday and I’d have your DH tell his mam if BIL is going he and his family aren’t as it’s not right he continually stalks, sexually harasses and tries to grope you (don’t call it anything less gross than what it is) and it is not okay and he won’t be complicit in you being abused and harassed.

I’d be going no contact or very low contact.

All of this...

Do NOT go on the holiday. Don't say yes to MIL's next invite to tea, and tell her why.

I said NO to a request yesterday (nothing as serious as this, just someone asking a smallish favour) - I am usually a people pleaser but my god, saying no can be done - say No! You don't want to do it. So don't do it. It's liberating.

"his mam gets sad when everyone argues and I've been scared to disrupt the peace in the family."

Mil is all sorts of fucked up. I would never see any of these people ever again.

The “peace” in the family is based primarily on the abuse of you OP and the power play(?) that your bil is going for against his brother.
Some really good advice on here with a variety of strategies. You and your DH going round the table to put family members on the spot, (poss ibly asking any of them that are parents if they’d be happy for their daughter to be treated this way?) would tell you if you have any hope of allies within this family.
Then you can make up your own minds re NC &/or moving away, police action. Be careful of yourself - does anyone in the family have a spare key? If so get it back or change locks for your safety. These creeps are devious.
You poor woman - this sounds horrific.

Id be more scared off being raped by him than scared of your MIL. I'd report to the police.

@alexis97

Go no contact with this family of his,

You shouldn't give a shit about their feelings as they don't give a flying fuck about your feelings at all,

They don't even value you as a person with valid feelings ect
They see you as just appendage extension of your husband like simese twin joined at the hip
Just cause your married to someone it doesn't mean also you have given up your personal agency in life top,

You don't owe your husband's family a thing
They are quite contended happy for you to be mistreated like a piece of meat,
By being continuing to be silent by this blatantly sexual harassment abusive campaign of sexual assaults,
they are Colliding with each other and are so dysfunctional emeshed as a family it's become normalised,

Your husband is such a weak pathetic spineless man
that he doesn't want or is incapable of backing your corner

Whether he realises it or not he is an enabler

and his behaviour is problematic too

You shouldn't have to tell him,

you need to let rip with your husband how Disrespected you feel,
how you feel mistreated like a sex robot 🤖 or
adult sex shop plastic blow up doll etc

My fear too given the opportunity he could rape you

What an awful situation for you to be in.

The fact that he thinks it’s acceptable to try to contact you via your husband when you don’t answer or respond to his calls/messages is so far from what most of us would consider normal behaviour, it’s hard to imagine.

Who knows what is going on in his head, but he’s clearly not hearing or responding to “no” in a normal way. He sounds delusional and obsessed.

You’ve had some great advice on this thread. I think it would also be a good idea to talk to a stalker helpline, they can advise you on the type of things to say – and the way to phrase things. Because it’s likely that he is re-interpreting everything you say into something completely different that supports his fixation with you.

You need to put as much distance as possible between you and him stop attending family events if he will be there. Cancel the holiday. And write out a history of his behaviour and contact in as much detail as you can remember, keep a log of ongoing attempts to contact you and what he says.

You can decide with your DH whether he will continue to go to MILs alone, but you do need to stop going anywhere your BIL will be.

The sad thing is the first time I went round to spend time with the family, we were celebrating an occasion. He kept mixing my drinks and putting lots of different alcohol in them, mixing shots with other shots and I ended up blacking out. He carried me upstairs to bed and my husband ran after him to make sure he wasn't alone with me. My husband couldn't understand how I was so drunk and thought I was being over dramatic, until his brother admitted what he did. I felt embarrassed and totally violated. I had never been so drunk in my life and it wasn't by choice. I hate being drunk, I won't let him pour me a drink or accept anything off him. He constantly talks about getting me drunk on holiday which is a major red flag.

I'm going to cancel the holiday and keep my distance. This really has bothered me a lot. The behaviour is not okay and I should t have to just be okay with it to keep the peace. There's some great advice here, I thank you all for your continued support.

He was willing to cause trouble in your relationship by claiming you had invited him into the house when you hadn't (making you look like a liar) so I would stop being nice at all. Fuck peace. They all sound deeply strange.

Block him. Cancel the holiday. Lose money if need be. Make clear to MIL you do not want to be invited at the same time he is there because his behaviour is sexual harassment. If she doesn't like it, she's had more than enough opportunities to speak to him. If she really doesn't like it and won't comply then you stay away. What have they brought to your table apart from this shit? You married DH not them.

I agree with warning re police. Give examples.

Get angry.

Jesus Christ, cross post. I'm not one who solves things with violence so I won't say your DH should have battered him for that but he certainly should have been a lot more assertive in putting space between you. He is in part to blame for your experiences as he has insisted on maintaining close unconditional contact. Make clear you expect nothing less than his full support in withdrawing from these oddballs forthwith.

Based on that update I would really strongly consider having a “soft” conversation with the police to register his behaviour with dates and examples and get advice.
this will be helpful if he kicks off once the dynamic changes.

he honestly sounds deranged.
it’s almost more strange/ alarming he would freely admit to spiking your drinks than it was that he actually spiked them.

my husband ran after him to make sure he wasn't alone with me.

I seriously think you need to ask your DH some probing questions about his brother. I would also speak to the police off the record to see if he has form for this.