How do I handle this...

[alexis97]

Hi Mumsnet,

I need some advice on how to handle this situation.

Been with my husband 4 years, within that time I gained a brother in law... now the fun part *sarcasm...

Said brother in law has always taken an interest towards me, will actively say things infront of his family, my husband and his fiancé about how I picked the wrong brother, will call me numerous times a day and get annoyed if I don't respond or answer and will call my husband demanding to talk to me or asking my whereabouts, message me about 20 times a day, sometimes even random things like he doesn't know what to say but just wants to message me, when I'm near him or end up in situations where I'm alone he will attempt to touch me, put his hands places where he shouldn't. I reject his advances everytime and tell him to stop and leave me alone, he never listens.. family tell him to stop and he is out of line, as does his fiancé, I feel dreadful for her. I reject him everytime and tell him he has a fiancé and I married his brother and I'm not interested. It's a very unsettling situation for me. He asks me to go out on "brother, sister dates" but I don't go for the fear of him doing something. We did this when me and husband first got together and he told my husband I let him our flat while he was working away, I never he dropped me at the door. We are also going abroad later in the year as a full family about 15 of us going. I'm very worried that he's going to try and be inappropriate. I can't exactly wear a cardigan and jeans and will be in swimwear.. I once had a Bardot shoulder top on and was told to "cover up because his blood pressure was going through the roof" and not to breastfeed my 4 month old baby on holiday because it would make him feel a certain way if you get me, REALLY.... advice please 🙃

Don't go on the holiday.
Don't be in a room or home or venue with him.
Don't speak to him on the phone.
Don't reply to any texts.

Tell him "Do not contact me."
Ask your husband to tell him "Do not contact my wife."

If he continues to contact you, report his harassment to the police.

Why you and your husband are still happy to breathe the same air as him is beyond me.

Your mil can always visit you both at your house, or at a neutral venue. If she won't ban her weird golden child from being in the same space as you then you can only opt out of visiting her at her home.

I'd contact the police now anyway. Ask if a Claire's law can be done on him. Tell them about the harassment and the drink spiking etc. Get it all logged.

You and your husband need to be on he same page with this. The issue must be towards his brother if he has done it to previous girlfriends. There is no way I would be going on holiday with him. He has serious issues. I would be calling him out on it every time. Also what is it teaching the children?! There is no way I would be talking to him or letting him in my house.

I married my husband because I love him, it's not his fault that his brother is a deranged narcissist. We had a conversation about it today and we are going to confront it head on together. We are both in a very uncomfortable situation. His brother always has to be one up on him or better than him. He's always been given everything on a plate.. my husband has worked very hard for what he has achieved. I honestly can't stand the man. I really feel for his fiancé.

Come on OP, no it's not your husband's fault his brother is a dangerous narcissist but it is his fault that he hasn't stood up to him in any meaningful way - you too for that matter. Just block him, both of you, it's not difficult, and tell him to stay the hell away from you both or you will report him for harassment. What does it matter that his mother wants to pretend everything in the garden is rosey?

He's spiked your drink. To touch you up.

He keeps trying to touch you up despite you saying no.

He is harassing you.

He is a bit fucking stalkerish.

You want to keep the peace?! Fuck that.

Get down the police station. Get it all logged. Get it logged so you can apply for something like an injunction to keep him away from you. This isn't normal behaviour on any level.

Fuck the aftermath. Everyone knows he is wrong there is no excuse. None at all.

I would have asked my husband to knock him the actual fuck out everytime this happened.

Sorry but wtf.

@alexis97 Im glad he is backing you. What does tackling it head on entail?

I would be really worried about him seriously hurting you some day. Deranged is the right word for him!

You need to stop seeing all of them.
No more family gatherings or holidays.

He's a stalker. You need to be clear, in writing (ideally text so you have a copy) "Do not contact me again. Stay away from me. Any further contact will be considered harassment and reported to the police". Report him if things continue.

If your husband can't support that,then he needs to go be with his dysfunctional family.

Please do not bring children into this regardless. As they will need to be kept away from that family. And I doubt your husband will be able to do this.

Sometimes the golden child is spoilt, narcissistic and this sounds like your bil. He's going after what his db has and he obviously won't stop until he gets it.
The man is dangerous I honestly think you're at serious risk with him and need to stay well away.
I'd make a report with the police so they have something on record and I'd tell him that so he's aware if he comes near you he's in trouble. And please stay well out of his reach.

it's not his fault that his brother is a deranged narcissist

No it’s not. It’s not his fault at all.

However, passively watching his brother sexually harass you and stalk you is his fault. I think we all get it, he’s scared of his brother and his mum, so he lets him humiliate you and grope you. And I don’t feel sorry for him one little bit because he has thrown you well and truly under the bus here. What sort of family is this, where brother can behave like this and nobody says a word? Mil must be utterly sick in the head.

Your biggest problem here is your husband. He fears his mum and brother much more than he loves you. Apart from feeble protests, what has he ever actually done to prevent his sick brother from abusing you? I would never forgive him personally.

There really is no need to confront Bil together. Just tell your husband you will no longer be having contact with any of them and block them all. Let your husband deal with it himself like you’ve had to.

Because you’ve been suffering this for your husbands benefit haven’t you.

I'd stand up in front of everyone and say out loud if you do not stop harassing me I am going to report you to the police and I would do this I will also either change my number or have his calls blocked.

It's not clear what your DH gets out of his relationship with his brother. It is possible to go NC with the brother and to maintain a relationship with his mum. The brother is a sex pest who is being indulged. It's made harder I am sure by your DH's mental health condition, and also the fact he has probably in his own way suffered a life of DV and bullying at his brother's hands. You have spoken of how the brother uses your husband's MH in arguments. It's gaslighting and must be very hard. You need to cut the brother out of your lives entirely.

This. And my worry would be about my children/potential children. If you have a daughter, how do you think this piece of shit will behave towards her when she hits puberty? What will you do then? Your husband is a coward who should be thoroughly ashamed of himself for putting his wife in constant danger.

I really think you would benefit from some counselling op. Because it is not healthy to sacrifice yourself and suffer groping so that your husband doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable and face the facts about his family.

You know it’s not right and you know what to do. I think you haven’t done it out of misplaced loyalty to your husband. It’s not even as if he’s choosing them over you. He’s choosing himself because he’s a selfish coward.

I don’t think anyone else has commented, but Bil disgusting comments about you breastfeeding your baby would have me ensuring that he never sees my baby ever again. And I would report the whole sick story to either woman’s aid or the police.

Have you considered your husband’s ability to keep your child safe if you were to divorce, or god forbid something happened to you?

He’s a predator. Do not underestimate him, and please make yourself safe. I’d go to the police about the spiking, and the harassment.

This story made headlines in Ireland this week. He had stalked and harassed her (anonymously) for years before opportunistically raping the victim.
https://m.sundayworld.com/crime/irish-crime/exposed-face-of-stalker-behind-vile-rape-of-mother-of-five-in-dublin-park/a1745895714.html

I have re-read all your posts. It seems that a big part of the problem here is that the BIL enjoys bullying your husband and his family has gaslighted him into thinking that when he objects this is because he is bipolar. So he doesn’t trust his natural reactions and this lets you down, badly. So you are BOTH being abused. Not to minimise that this is YOU this is happening to, and any choice you need to make to protect yourself, you should not hesitate in making. If you want to stay with your husband you are both going to need to get far, far away from this shit.

"We had a conversation about it today and we are going to confront it head on together"

It's great you're on the same page, but confronting a person like this will enrage him and potentially escalate the situation rather than resolve it.
It's really important that you also go down the legal route and report his behaviour to the police. Even is they do not act now, at least you have started to record his stalking behaviour. Keep the text messages, emails, record phone calls (better still block his number).

Contact the GF and offer her support (give her details of a local women's refuge) it's likely that she is being abused too.

Get a video doorbell in case he comes to your house.
He is a loose cannon and potentially dangerous. Take measures to protect yourself and you family.

I really don’t think confronting your bil is the way to go. I don't think it'll play out in a way that'll solve anything. But I guess you want to try.

I'm glad when he spiked you, nothing worse happened, but honestly, that was luck and your dh knowing what kind of man his brother is. Which is really worrying.

This guy's family are basically protecting a predator and like pps I doubt you're his first victim.

If there's a breakdown in the family after this, fgs don't back down and try to fix it.

You deserve to be safe, and your children deserve to be safe. (He might not be a paedophile but his sexual boundaries are non-existent. A teenaged niece will be at risk, if not younger.)

No contact would be the best outcome. Probably for your dh too, given what an arsehole the brother is.

I would make a note of all of this and go and see the police. That your stalker is a family member makes him more dangerous not less. Good luck

Seriously I would go to the police to bloody shut this down.

You don’t confront someone who is sexually harassing you. You don’t have a chat about it. You don’t hope they won’t do it again, you ensure it wont happen by never being around them ever again.

Anyone who thinks that isn’t a reasonable thing to do shouldn’t be in your life.

Where are your own family op?

What you described in your OP was bad enough, a vile self entitled sex pest. But this update, well, he's an our and out sexual predator with a mindset akin to Jimmy Savile. You are absolutely not safe around this man, at all. He clearly has no moral compass, a massive sense of self entitlement and you are currently his target. He's a psychopath. I can almost guarantee that you aren't his first victim, he'll be like this with other women too. If you shake him off he'll quickly move on to someone else. Definitely do not go on the holiday together, he's already announced his intentions to spike your drinks again.

It's also shocking just how badly he has the rest of his family wrapped around his little finger. He's clearly top dog and no one has the balls to stand up to him properly. Your MIL sounds the worst of them. She raised this man afterall. Regardless what she's let him get away with behaviourally in the past (even encouraged??), she shouldn't just be shrugging off his behaviour now. If there's anyone who can reel him in and bring him down a peg it's his mother. I wonder if there's also an element of sibling competition (one way, from BIL), whereby he can't stand seeing his own brother happy with someone - that you're more of a target specifically because your his brother's partner. Not sure if that makes it even worse.

Tbh, that would have been the last time I spent any time with him.

You're all complicit in his behaviour.

When you're invited round to your mother in law's for dinner, you refuse the invitation.

Why did you even agree to the holiday?

Yes, his behaviour is appalling and the rest of the family is wrong for condoning it but do you not have any sense of what you want your life to look like for yourself?

You set your own boundaries for what's acceptable to you.