How do I handle this...

[alexis97]

Hi Mumsnet,

I need some advice on how to handle this situation.

Been with my husband 4 years, within that time I gained a brother in law... now the fun part *sarcasm...

Said brother in law has always taken an interest towards me, will actively say things infront of his family, my husband and his fiancé about how I picked the wrong brother, will call me numerous times a day and get annoyed if I don't respond or answer and will call my husband demanding to talk to me or asking my whereabouts, message me about 20 times a day, sometimes even random things like he doesn't know what to say but just wants to message me, when I'm near him or end up in situations where I'm alone he will attempt to touch me, put his hands places where he shouldn't. I reject his advances everytime and tell him to stop and leave me alone, he never listens.. family tell him to stop and he is out of line, as does his fiancé, I feel dreadful for her. I reject him everytime and tell him he has a fiancé and I married his brother and I'm not interested. It's a very unsettling situation for me. He asks me to go out on "brother, sister dates" but I don't go for the fear of him doing something. We did this when me and husband first got together and he told my husband I let him our flat while he was working away, I never he dropped me at the door. We are also going abroad later in the year as a full family about 15 of us going. I'm very worried that he's going to try and be inappropriate. I can't exactly wear a cardigan and jeans and will be in swimwear.. I once had a Bardot shoulder top on and was told to "cover up because his blood pressure was going through the roof" and not to breastfeed my 4 month old baby on holiday because it would make him feel a certain way if you get me, REALLY.... advice please 🙃

This isn't about you, this is all about his brother. Either move away and/or go completely NC with the entire family.

Which culture do you belong to, OP? I am trying to understand why you married your husband and why you have stayed married when there appears to be a risk of rape, sexual assault and drugging.

WHY are you putting up with being sexually harassed by this creep?! You and dh need to go NC with his entire sick, dysfunctional family.

If your husband was worried about you being alone with his brother the time you were drunk I would be wondering if there is precedent for his brother doing things with previous girlfriends.
You need to protect yourself and keep away from his brother. Be completely blunt and don’t accept any invitation where he might be there. if you go to MILs and he is there, turn around and leave. They know what he is doing is wrong, but are not willing to protect you, so you need to protect yourself.

I agree talk to the police! Follow their advice on how to say ‘never contact me again’ and then log and report if he does. No to the holiday, leave mils if he turns up. No to contact of any kind.

Sounds like a rapist hiding in plain sight.

He's probably SA'd multiple woman.

I'd def report him to the police.

Side note - he might actually be bipolar too. Sexual disinhibition can be a primary symptom for some people. It causes them to do outrageous things when manic.

This does not negate the fact that what he is doing is stalking and sexual harassment.

@alexis97 every one who has replied is saying the same thing, you need to cut your DH’s family out of your life. Let him to go family dinners and holidays, but you need to make other plans doing something you enjoy with people who respect you.
And block them all everywhere!!

Hopefully your DH will see the light and also cut them all off.

Extreme measures for an extreme, and seriously sick situation.

He is stalking you, and has previously assaulted you and spiked your drinks.

What would you tell your daughter to do in this scenario?

Never ever attend anything where he will be
Never respond to him
If he turns up where you are, uninvited, then you leave
Cancel the holiday

And most importantly, make sure your DH is clear with BIL and the rest of the family that he supports you.

BIL isn't bipolar, my husband is. My husband whenever he gets angry and gets mad about what he does to me he blames my husbands bipolar for why he's acting so extreme about what he does to me.

BIL is just narcissist :/

Just call him out.... everytime...
Say thats really creepy. Why would I be with you ?

Every single time

If he ever spikes your drinks, report him to the police. He's not normal. Keep a journal. Consider reporting him for harassment. You have a record of all his calls and texts

Knock him out

Tell him if he doesn’t leave you alone and stop sexually harassing you then you will be reporting him to the police. Stand firm.

You and your husband need to go no contact, why haven’t you both blocked him yet??
if he harasses you in any way tell him he does it again you will be reporting him to the police.
Dont be where he is.
fuck family peace, he is harassing you sexually and his family are condoning it.

@alexis97 this sounds like a dominance thing between BIL and your husband (and their family) and you happen to be caught in the middle.

Personally, I would avoid and form of contact wherever possible. If you do end up in some situation, you need a toolbar of cool, one liner put downs to belittle him. Nothing too outrageous, but say when he says you're with the wrong brother, just answer quietly something like "no, that would be you, I got the correct brother".

You don't want to give him the satisfaction of a reaction, but small put downs will make him look small in front of his audience which is the opposite of what he wants.

Avoidance is better though. Sounds like your husband would support you in just never seing any of them again. Perhaps he should block his brother's calls too. I would.

@alexis97

Following that update

Report him to police immediately or as soon as possible
about his extremely disturbing behaviour and how you feel unsafe around him,

Find out if he is on Claires Law Register and sex offenders register list too,

I wouldn't be susprised or shocked if he was.

I wonder if you have a male member of family or a male friend,
could tell 🤔 him straight blunt your predatory Creep arsehole of a brother in law, to just warn him to keep his hands to himself?..

@craxy
I agree totally keep a diary journal of all your brother in laws interactions with you and your husband family

Also report to the police of all those nasty sexually abusive calls and texts sent from him you have a lot...

It's inexplicable that you were even considering going on holiday with these people. You need to block him and make every effort never to see him again. For your own safety.

Does your husband pressure you to spend time with them op?

I don’t understand why your husband didn’t go no contact with him a long time ago. I couldn’t be married to such a simpering sap.

Horrible situation to be in but you can get yourself out of it. It really seems like he has bullied your husband their whole life and their mother has enabled it. You need to get your husband and children away from these terrible people and keep yourself safe. No more dinners with grandma or holidays. Distance, distance, distance.

Don't just ignore BIL's calls and texts - block him. Block his number on your husband's phone as well. If BIL knocks on the door, calls the house phone, approaches you outside the house keep a record of it. If you have a job tell your workplace not to let him inside or forward calls. If MIL tries to intercede go low contact with her. If you can't physically move away you need to build walls they can't get through.

Your husband hasn't been defending you. Real defence would mean going no contact with his brother and if needs be his whole family. Your DH obviously isn't prepared to do that. He is failing you.

You must tell your husband that either he does this or you leave him. You are being sexually harrassed on a grand scale and everyone is allowing it to happen, including your DH. Do you want your DC to grow up in this environment?

@JammyJellyfish

I totally 💯 per cent agree with your post ..

@alexis97

I definitely think 🤔 you should also say to the police you think he is serious danger to other women and females he comes across too...

@MrsDoubtfire24

I was wondering 🤔 and thinking a similar thing too..

@MrsDoubtfire24
I agree with your post totally.