Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Cannot believe I'm here again FFS

87 replies

JustAnotherIdiotAgain · 26/04/2024 20:27

After my divorce 5 years ago I have had some toxic relationships. Met someone 4 months ago and have never been so in love in my life - he is the perfect gentleman, hugely attractive and articulate, identical sense of humour and unfailingly loyal.
But also an alcoholic who hid his drinking from me and has lost his job.
I feel like a complete fucking idiot because I didn't spot how bad things were and can't bring myself to walk away.
I know I won't ever have a connection like this again but I don't know if I can go down this path again in my mid forties. I have had struggles of my own and don't want to get sucked into the ups and downs of life with someone battling for sobriety.
Not much of a post - more a rant/wail that I'm literally shit at picking me and don't know what to do.
Bah.

OP posts:

savethatkitty · 26/04/2024 20:29

Sorry your going through this. I'd bin him. Too much work & he will drag you down

category12 · 26/04/2024 20:32

Come on now, this is only 4 months in - how would you expect to spot someone with a problem much faster?

I presume he didn't go "hey, I'm an alcoholic" from the off but was managing it and was showing you his best self.

But now you do know, and it's so serious he's lost his job.

You don't actually know him that well. Four months is nothing in the scale of things.

Do yourself a favour and get out.

SamW98 · 26/04/2024 20:34

Please don’t take this as criticism but your description of him after only a few months seems like you’re investing too quickly.

You don’t really have any idea whether he’s a perfect gentleman or unfailingly loyal after such a short time. As you’re discovering, people hide their true self at start and show you what you want to see. It’s a good 6 months usually before the real person start to show through.

My advice would be try to take things a bit slower and don’t get so invested so quickly. Hold back a bit until you know the real person

ZekeZeke · 26/04/2024 20:35

It's been 4 months.
You need to cop thr hell on. Bin him, he is a lying jobless alcoholic!

Fluffywigg · 26/04/2024 20:47

Given your previous relationships, if you continue to pursue this then you’re not doing yourself any favours. In other words it’s unlikely to end well. Alcoholism tears families apart.

It’s one thing supporting someone that becomes an alcoholic after years but to actively get involved with an alcoholic isn’t for the faint hearted for many reasons.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2024 21:06

You can and should walk away, why would you not?. S he all you think you deserve?

Your connection to him is a false one. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it will never be with you either.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs and love your own self for a change. Be on your own, it’s better than being with a whole series of Mr Wrong.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your father emotionally unavailable for instance? What did your mother teach you about relationships?. Examine through therapy exactly why you’ve chosen unsuitable men and in the meanwhile give this one the boot, you will thank yourself for doing so. He will otherwise continue to make you feel miserable and otherwise drag you down with him.

Original poster

JustAnotherIdiotAgain · 26/04/2024 21:34

Just finding it very hard at the moment. I know it has only been a short time but we already have some incredible memories and I don't know if I want to give up a possible future with this man. It's not a decision I will take lightly. But there are serious obstacles to tackle and weirdly/ironically he makes me feel very secure. I'm very self-sufficient when it comes to work, paying all the bills/mortgage etc (no ex partners have contributed to this really) and although he is battling his demons he makes me feel like he has got my back. It's confusing.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustAnotherIdiotAgain · 26/04/2024 21:36

But, AttilaTheMeerkat, your post does ring true sadly and logically I should walk away.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 26/04/2024 21:39

The only future you have with this man is misery. You'll find that out when you move him in with you I suppose.

It's been 4 months. It's a none starter OP.

Moidershewrote · 26/04/2024 21:42

It’s been 4 months.

F O U R M O N T H S.

You can’t possibly know this man as well as you have let yourself believe.

It sounds like dysfunctional love-bombing, on possibly both your sides.

Perhaps you need some therapy?

DontPlayInMySandbox · 26/04/2024 21:53

Yeah, I thought this was a bit ridiculous from a woman in her forties who has been seeing someone for such a short time.

I'd advise stopping looking for a relationship and starting to work out why you get so attached so quickly.

Especially if you always have bad relationships. Not saying it's your fault, op. Just the wrongs 'uns can smell vulnerable or desperate from a mile off.

Houseinawood · 26/04/2024 21:58

You are in love with an image. A crush, in love with love and the promise and future. It’s a mirage.

love yourself and bin him and go no contact.

4 months - of course he showed you his best self but you will never ever beat alcohol. Ever.

4 months - sex etc it releases hormones to bond us - that what we do as women sex and orgasms help with that, our warm mushy feelings etc

do not invest another second -

this time last year I met someone online. Academic nice and what’s lovely he thought me worthy of dating etc and told me how intelligent I was and paid for dinner constantly etc and watched my boundaries. Lots of potential - I was beginning to feel mushy then…. He told me some stuff going on and it was speckled with misogynistic comments about women eg someone at work was a ‘silly bitch’ etc alarm bells rang. The next week I had a very late night and a stressful day. He phoned me at 9 pm and ranted about his shitty day for 4 hours until 1 am. I put up with it as he really sounded like he needed to offload and then I thought - bugger this I’m not a therapist etc he didn’t ask me about my day etc and I sent a text ending it. He got back in touch apologising for ‘having a bad day’ - I accepted it but still said it was over. He texted again wanting dinner to make it up to me / nope. 👎 I thought this is a couple of months in - if it’s this hard 3-4 months in what will it be in 20 years and it was a no from me.

I’ve had a few more dates but you have to keep your wits about you and believe you deserve better.

thistimelastweek · 26/04/2024 22:01

OP. Trust me on this. He's on his best behaviour. For now.

He can hide his drinking for a while, he's proved that. But he can't hide it forever.

He's not a bad person. But he's got problems you don't want to take on.

Don't get too involved. He'll drag you down

Kindleonfire · 26/04/2024 22:05

Did you have any therapy after your divorce? You need to read up on codependency. Women who love too much is a good book. You need to learn to spend time being alone and comfortable with that.

Eyesopenwideawake · 26/04/2024 22:08

I know I won't ever have a connection like this again

No, you don't know.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/04/2024 22:10

The connection is a trauma bond, run

WandsOut · 26/04/2024 22:12

Get out now.
Living with an alcoholic will kill you slowly until you don't recognise yourself anymore and he's drained you dry of the energy you need to recover.

WandsOut · 26/04/2024 22:14

JustAnotherIdiotAgain · 26/04/2024 21:34

He hasn't got your back, it's an illusion. An alcoholic will sell you for the bottle.
Don't be fooled.

CinnabarRed · 26/04/2024 22:16

Don’t be so fucking stupid. Christ.

category12 · 26/04/2024 22:21

I don't know if I want to give up a possible future with this man

Your possible future with an alcoholic looks bleak. He's already lost his job, you can look forward to all sorts of nonsense. Have you had much experience of alcoholics? Did you grow up with an alcoholic in the family at all?

Here you are, self-sufficient, own home, about to start supporting a jobless alcoholic - has he moved in already?

Hotgirlwinter · 26/04/2024 22:22

Take all the time and energy you are putting into this man and put it into therapy and self healing. Try to resolve your issues that allow you to pick and fall for these men.

He might be an absolute darling and genuine person (although I doubt it because he hid a crucial fact of his alcoholism from you) but whilst he is in active addiction it is way too dangerous to involve yourself.

It sounds like you’ve massively romanticised this encounter. You need to take off the rose coloured specs and see it for exactly what it is then have the pride and self love to walk away.

If he can go away and seek help and resolve his issues without your support and come back sober in a years time, then you may have a chance

stoppedwindows · 26/04/2024 22:37

Don't continue with this man - I speak from experience. I was daft enough to marry an alcoholic. He was charming and swept me off my feet - I'd never been with anyone like him - just like you are saying.

You might think it will work out well and that it'll be different for you and it'll be worth it, it won't He brought me down I worked all day all week coming home to him fast asleep drunk, no dinner waiting for me, doing all the main household stuff, paying all the bills, hiding our bank cards so he couldn't buy alcohol. I often had to go and drag him drunk out of the pub, pick him up when he fell over - once I had to pick him up from from a busy road in full view of all the rush hour traffic. take him to A n E when he fell over. I could go on. He then got cancer one that heavy drinkers are prone to and died 20 years on I'm still affected by it.

So if you've any self respect don't do it no matter how wonderful he is

Tel12 · 26/04/2024 22:42

You are just finding out what sort of person he is. An unemployed alcoholic being one issue. You need to think long and hard.

taylorswift1989 · 26/04/2024 22:55

Oh god, please don't keep seeing this guy. End it now. He showed the best version of himself but it was all lies and you have to understand that it only goes downhill from here.

You feel so strongly connected with him because you subconsciously recognise the pattern of abuse and it draws you in. It's familiar. It's consuming. You tell yourself this time you're going to make it work.

It's actually so unhealthy. A healthy relationship at 4 months is still getting to know each other, dating fairly casually, having a lot of fun. This is all drama and crisis and worry and fear and desperation. As pp have said, ditch him, and invest time and love into yourself.

Lagoony · 27/04/2024 00:18

It's been 4 months. Sometimes it takes the positives of a short relationship to help us see what it is we're looking for.
I wouldn't advise anyone to stay with an alcoholic. To be honest, I'd even be wary of seeing a sober one.
In fact I once had a date with a sober alcoholic (he only mentioned it after we met) and as soon as he told me I was put off. What made me laugh was that after the date, he actually said it was nice to meet me but he didn't want to date me again 😂 I think it's the only time I've ever actually been rejected (dated quite a large number) and I couldn't help but think it was him of all people! Really!

Flip

1 2 3 4