Cannot believe I'm here again FFS

[JustAnotherIdiotAgain]

After my divorce 5 years ago I have had some toxic relationships. Met someone 4 months ago and have never been so in love in my life - he is the perfect gentleman, hugely attractive and articulate, identical sense of humour and unfailingly loyal.
But also an alcoholic who hid his drinking from me and has lost his job.
I feel like a complete fucking idiot because I didn't spot how bad things were and can't bring myself to walk away.
I know I won't ever have a connection like this again but I don't know if I can go down this path again in my mid forties. I have had struggles of my own and don't want to get sucked into the ups and downs of life with someone battling for sobriety.
Not much of a post - more a rant/wail that I'm literally shit at picking me and don't know what to do.
Bah.

“I don't know if I want to give up a possible future with this man”

And how does this possible future look if you stay with this man? This particular man? This alcoholic man? Imagine the worst case scenario, not the best. Which one is the most realistic outcome, not the most idealistic outcome?

Is your need to feel loved, cherished and not alone greater than your common sense? This is your head and your heart having a disagreement - whatever decision you make, one of those (head or heart) will get hurt or feel foolish and the other will say “I told you so”.

Get yourself to al anon, do the freedom programme and read women who love too much and overcoming low self esteem. Only you can break the pattern of forming abusive or codependent relationships. Are you going to break the cycle now or when you’re even more attached and invested, after years of heart break and disappointment?

I'm sorry OP. But yes actually none of the things you describe. You've known him for 4 months which is nothing. He's a good actor. In reality he is an alcoholic who is so unreliable he's lost his job. Get out. Your future self will thank you. Take time to work on yourself and your own worth. Good luck.

I obviously naively thought there might be some instances where situations like this actually worked out for the best. He's been sober the last couple of days (over at mine and I work from home). Housework done, dinner cooked and morning coffee in bed. He still does this when drinking but is more scatty and tired. It's devastating how alcohol takes control then ruins lives and relationships. But I can't beat the addiction for him.

cracking book- I second this, really helped me through some tricky patterns.

His issues are not your fault, maybe they are not his either but they ARE his responsibility and it’s up to him to address them, there is nothing you can do and 4 months in regardless of memories and the love you have experienced, he’s been hiding his true needs and self from the off, we all do that at the start I guess but this seems quite serious.

I’m sure he is wonderful, but I think perhaps OP it’s time you thought about how wonderful you are and what you truly need outside of him.
How much loyalty, love and attention you radiate, your worth and all that good stuff.

Its not about him at all in the end- it’s about you - with love.

Can't thank you enough for this post x

Come on OP, after only 4 months you don't know if he's a 'perfect gentleman' or 'unfailingly loyal'! You are still in the early stages of getting to know someone and you sound like you're romanticising it. Hitching your wagon to an alcoholic is a VERY BAD IDEA. Don't do it. He's almost his job. You are an absolute fool if you don't end this relationship. Move on and find someone else, there's plenty of men out there without his problems!

4 months 16 weeks and madly in love already i think you're in the honey moon stage still i dont want to sound awful but you are rushing with it all.
It would take me a good long year to get to know someone new.
My ex had a drinking problem and it just got worse the longer we were together the more i saw the mess.
Ive now been single 8 year and love it.
I dont like any alcohol or the smell of it never have.
Ive seen from a young age that alcohol turns people to nasty rats.
I cant stand the stuff if im to meet someone in my life again he better be a non-drinker because i will not go through that all again.
I dont even like pubs either.

This. A good friend of mine had a similar thing. It just got worse over time. Then he died of alcohol poisoning at home while she had been out at the gym one evening. She’d spent the last few years terrified he was going to kill people on the roads drink driving. He put the blame on her because he tried to stop ‘for her’ and couldn’t so felt bad and drank more. She became a shell of herself. It was never going to end any other way. She wasted ten years on this guy, who was by all accounts lovely besides the drinking. If he can’t help himself then you won’t be able to and I strongly advise breaking things off asap.

So he's addicted to alcohol. You're addicted to him.

You don't want to can't beat your addiction for him. He doesn't want to can't beat his addiction for alcohol.

Point of your post? Toddle on...

4 months and making the sort of declarations you are making is madness, especially at your age, you should know better- limerance at work, nothing more, definitely not love. Addiction is merely the rush of oxytocin, nothing more. You need to give yourself a shake because nothing good will come of this. You're romancing the situation, seeing yourself as his saviour/support and hoping that you'll be the one to change him. You won't.

I thought it was quite a good post with an apt analogy.

You're both under the influence of something that you know isn't good for you, and yet you're unwilling / unable to cut it out of your life.

You're not in love with this man, how can you be? At 4 months in you barely know him (and don't say you do, you've only just worked out he's an alcoholic!)

And you're not "starting again" if you split up with him, you're just continuing your life.

At least he's got the excuse that he's in thrall to a highly addictive substance. You're just using your feelings as an excuse to let yourself make bad decisions.

As someone who married a heavy drinker who became a problem drinker and alcoholic.... step away!!! Fast forward in your head 5 years - imagine how much time you would have wasted in this endless cycle. It drains the life and soul out of you - and then add kids and family into the mix - it honestly ruined my life. He doesn't drink now (last few years anyway) and although sober has completely changed personality and as swapped alcohol for other addictions. Honestly, he needs to sort himself because he wants to

@JustAnotherIdiotAgain The point of my post was to give you food for thought.

100% this, you cannot fix him. A few days, or a few months, sober is not a reality. He's sober during those moments, as he has coveted something more than a drink. Unless he does the serious work, that won't last OP. I'm sorry.
I wouldn't advise anyone to be in a relationship - especially a new one - with an alcoholic.

(signed, an alcoholic)

Sorry DatingDinosaur - I didn't mean to snap. I'm just so on the ropes at the moment.

In love?! You've known each other 17 weeks. You barely know him. Everyone feels like that at the start of a relationship, it's the honeymoon period where you're both trying to present the best version of yourselves, but you're not even 6 months in and he is already throwing up a HUGE red flag.

It isn't love, it's an oxytocin high, you'll get over it. Better short term heartache than a lifetime of misery, which is what you'll get if you stay with this man.

He won’t be able to keep up the facade for much longer, then you will see the real him and it won’t be pretty.
He’s got it made with you, you’re supporting him financially by paying for everything (so he can spend what money he has on booze), providing a roof over his head and a comfortable bed (better than dossing down or sofa surfing) and he knows you’re doting on his every word (what more does he need? Free sex, bed, food and attention!)
My BIL’s an alcoholic, been there, seen it and propped my sister up far too many times.

You're mid forties and letting your subconscious belief that you must find someone to settle down with now, colour your thoughts and you have put this man on a pedestal after only four months.

You really don't know him that well.

An alcoholic with no job will be an albatross around your neck and guaranteed misery lies ahead.

Have a look on the alcohol support board and in particular the thread about those supporting alcoholics. It's heartbreaking.. a terrible disease but you can't save him and you can't change him . Walk away Op

Alcohol will always be the love of his life. Not you. You say you are divorced and have had other toxic relationships. Is it time to focus on yourself rather than a relationship?

Just leave him.

Pp has a point about your history of toxic relationships since your divorce.

It would probably be good for you to do the Freedom programme or some other (preferably guided) work on boundaries and expectations in relationships. Do some unpicking on what's going on with you.

Also, you should start researching alcoholism and co-dependence.

I'm sure it's the thought of him, the idea that you have now met someone you wanted to meet, have the connection etc etc.

It's easy to mask things in the beginning. This is not the real him OP.

I too didn't think the new man I met had any issues. Everything was great the first few months as it was what I chose to or wanted to see. Then things started to become clear. Please think hard about this and take off the rose tinted glasses. I was raped in the night (his excuse was he was drunk so he didn't know what he was doing blah blah, fetched me (driving) from an event so blind drink which ended up in the start of the end as he forced me into the car. Just please don't put yourself in this type of firing line OP.

While it was good, it was good. Now it's longer good. So now it's time to move on. Why fight a battle you don't need to.