Cannot believe I'm here again FFS

[JustAnotherIdiotAgain]

After my divorce 5 years ago I have had some toxic relationships. Met someone 4 months ago and have never been so in love in my life - he is the perfect gentleman, hugely attractive and articulate, identical sense of humour and unfailingly loyal.
But also an alcoholic who hid his drinking from me and has lost his job.
I feel like a complete fucking idiot because I didn't spot how bad things were and can't bring myself to walk away.
I know I won't ever have a connection like this again but I don't know if I can go down this path again in my mid forties. I have had struggles of my own and don't want to get sucked into the ups and downs of life with someone battling for sobriety.
Not much of a post - more a rant/wail that I'm literally shit at picking me and don't know what to do.
Bah.

Anyone willingly and knowingly entering into a relationship with an addict is a masochist.

Don’t be a romantic fool. You won’t save him. It will be misery.

Don't let him move in with you, give him lots of space to find a new job.

He’s charmed you, and hooked you, to make it exactly as hard as it is to walk away now his drinking has been revealed (as he knew it would be). There was a lot of falsehood and manipulation in his approach/persona leading up to this point.

You won’t rescue him. So you’ve met him in January, barely any time at all. However painful now, it will only get worse with time.

If you can't bring yourself to end it then...could you not keep it as a 'just for fun' thing?

You don't need move him in. Or marry him. Or have his kids. It doesn't even need to be a relationship.

You like him, you want to remain in his life just as...friends with benefits. You're not there for the hard stuff. And you absolutley shouldn't lean on him for any of yours. But you can hang out sometimes still.

Would that be an option for you?
Of course, you'll have to be strict with yourself regarding boundaries. He's a bit of spice in your life but not your partner. He's fun time man, and don't ever allow more than that.

Sweetheart, you could be describing one of my long-ago boyfriends. Lovely person, so funny and charming and kind. But alcoholic and in denial. We’re still friends and always will be. But I don’t regret leaving him for a second.

I’ve seen him go through so many relationships over the years, all lovely women and it always ends up the same way.

Thank you for responding - it's only when you actually write it down do you realise how fucking bad it is.

I know he is actively trying to stop drinking. I recognise the symptoms when he goes dry for a bit and initially is a bit rough. He's going sober for increasingly longer periods so, like an idiot, I thought I could just quietly support him and help.

If you think you can say you love someone like noone else after only 4 months, its infatuation, not love. Love is when you know someone inside out, and you did not, he hid stuff. Love comes after they have stopped showing their best behaviour, and what's underneath is still appealing and deserving of you.
I suspect you've been lovebombed. It sounds like he's given you lots of attention and its all been very intense in a short space of time. But that was him being fake and you fell for the false version. It's time to take the blinkers off. There are many good reasons why an addict, who is trying to recover, should not get involved in new relationships. If you hang in there, this will become another bad relstionship.

I presume this isn't just about you.

I wouldn't be exposing my kids to a deceitful alcoholic that's for sure.

AlcoholSwab - no I don't have children.

My neighbour was the same however every man every stray she met "she had the connection with", until she lost her child Feb last year. In the end, her not wanting to be alone made her end up alone.

I know I won't ever have a connection like this again

You don't know that at all. That line and the memories one show you're way over-romanticising this and need to reframe it. It's not this great tragic love story. It's really good that you've found out so soon what a mess he is so you can avoid another toxic situation. The first rule with alcoholics is that you can't save them so forget about that story you're creating that he's getting better and you'll support him. Be positive that you've had this connection but break it now for your own sake and spend more time working on yourself so you're not defining your life as this series of tragedies. You'll find another great connection with someone more capable of a healthy and happy relationship. This guy's main relationship is with alcohol and you don't want to be the OW in that at this point in your life.

Was the job loss because of the drinking ?

There is a book called ‘women who love too much’ by Robin Norwood. It is an excellent book that I read back in my 20s when I was going through a phase of totally unsuitable relationships.
please do yourself a favour and read this book. It will help you understand why you keep getting involved in unhealthy relationships - this relationship IS unhealthy. In my experience an alcoholic never has your back unless there is something in it for them - it’s a very selfish disease. Please be alert to the fact that your love cannot cure him though you may well believe this and it’s in his interests to have you believe this too.
Be your own best friend and end it now.

joining the chorus of others for you to walk away
BUT if your not going to do this and determined to carry on a relationship you need to protect yourself emotionally and financially
keep finances separate don’t move in together
most importantly don’t be under the delusion you can fix this accept him faults and all
you will have a life with an alcoholic and the challenges that go with it
please don’t think you can change him your on a hiding to nothing with that

Did you get help after your previous abusive relationships? If not, I would suggest you do. Knowing how to build healthy relationships with boundaries, and recognise the signs of poor/abusive behaviour is a good skill to have. It will stop you repeating the same patterns every time you get involved with someone.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being single. No partner is better for you than a partner with serious issues.

I met a man last year and dated him for 9 months. At first, he seemed honest, charming and sincere. He made me feel adored and desired and the chemistry was strong . After a few months the mask began to slip and I gradually realised that he was an alcoholic and weed addict. My self esteem was poor and I found it very hard to walk away from the love (I did believe I loved him) and affection.

There were numerous incidents that occurred as a result of his drinking including aggression towards others and sexual assault on me. There was police involvement. He lied like no one I have ever known before (as do all addicts). He made a half-hearted attempt at sobriety and I tried to suppprt him as he went to AA. He soon dropped out

I ended things but stupidly tried to stay friends to support him. That didn't end well either as he had no respect for my boundaries. Nothing was more important than getting drunk for him. He is out of my life now and I can breathe a sigh of relief. It took a while for the fog to lift as it was an all-consuming relationship. The dramatic highs and lows can be addictive and induce trauma bonding. Now I see that he love-bombed me, used me and was abusive. He dragged me down and I thank my lucky stars I got out before he did more damage.

You're 4 months in. You don't know him. This is oxytocin talking, not love. Please don't waste your precious time chasing what you think is his potential. Believe someone when they tell you who they are. Go no-contact for at least 30 days to allow the spell to be broken.

Well, he wasn’t enough of a gentleman to tell you he is an alcoholic when he saw you were falling for him so that you could make an informed decision whether you wanted to be with an alcoholic.

You’ve you don’t so, as sad as it’s going to be, it’s in your best interest to end it. Not easy but necessary

Honestly Op, it really does seem as if you need to spend a significant amount of time being single and not dating.

You need to do some work on yourself. Your future self will thank you for it.

The worst alcoholic I have ever known was through work. He was high functioning on the surface but I was junior to him and he didn’t give a shit what I thought so he let it all hang out in front of me. He was also newly divorced and actively dating. He was incredibly charming when he wanted to be but behind closed doors his attitude to women and his work / colleagues was vile. He was doing all kinds of things to manipulate people and cover up his addiction. I couldn’t believe how much of a double life he was able to lead without people realising. When I tried to flag to HR that he was coming to work drunk (and making important decisions that impact many lives) I was told to keep quiet if I wanted to keep my job. They just didn’t believe me that there was a real issue. I think his toxic personality and alcoholism were two separate things, but the point is that his ability to deceived people was incredible. It went on for years until he was eventually found out and lost his job.

I think you fall in love too quickly and see what you hope to see, rather than what's in front of you. It's possible that this man will resolve his problems and turn out to be your happy-ever-after, but the odds are not good are they?

You’ve never been so in love in your life? It’s been 4 months, you don’t know this person. It takes 2 years to get to know someone properly.
I think you need to stay away from relationships until you get some counselling.

If you need companionship and a sense of purpose from saving the odd project or waif and stray, you're better off visiting Battersea Dogs' Home for a puppy or couple of kittens.

Probably less chance of a fixer upper from there pissing on your carpet, too.

Op don't be me
I was caught on the rebound at my lowest ebb by an alcoholic
I ended up marrying him as I didn't believe I deserved any better
It was a shit show
You are probably rebounding from the previous toxic relationships even if you dont realise it
My mother was also an alcoholic
Just don't do this to yourself

He’ll have moved in soon and you’ll be stuck with him. He isn’t the dreamboat you think he is, he shouldn’t have been dating and putting on a front whilst his own life was a wreck. He’s not been honest with you so already this relationship has cracks. I’m a recovering alcoholic, I haven’t had a drink in 10+ years, I married a recovering alcoholic. I have nothing against alcoholics and every sympathy with them but I know you shouldn’t be dating a drinking or newly sober alcoholic. They will trample your boundaries and bring you down.

Think about it this way - let him go and recover, if he’s still sober and still interested in 12 months you can date then.