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Original poster

Found a picture

89 replies

Oghno · 24/04/2024 17:16

Please don't judge me for snooping, I just need to vent as I'm so confused and upset

I had a spidey sense about my dps friendship with a woman friend and followed through, and looked at my dps phone. There was a naked photo of this woman on there with a jokey message then they both carried on normal conversation about watching a TV show together. I was blindsided as I didn't think I'd see that and now almost regret doing it.

Is it better or worse that there was no sexual talk after that or is it worse as she obviously felt comfortable doing that in the first place?

My head is a mess

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 24/04/2024 17:27

Is there more context..how long have they been messaging? What do the other messages say?

Notfeelingwellthisweek · 24/04/2024 17:30

You sensed there was more to their relationship than just friendship and your intuition was obviously right.
What you describe indicates sending naked pictures is a normal type of interaction for them. It shows how close they are.

Luckydog7 · 24/04/2024 17:30

Er. I think that's even more concerning that it was sent so casually. Suggests it's been happening for a while and it isn't a surprise/the first time. Unless he's pretending he didn't see it because he's mortified I suppose.

Shiningout · 24/04/2024 17:35

What was the jokey message? Your partner shouldn't be receiving any naked photos from women ffs it wouldn't matter to me what they were talking about Inbetween

maclen · 24/04/2024 17:53

Perhaps she sent it and then they spoke on the phone? Or something.... Have you asked him? I'd ask her if it were me.

PositiveLife · 24/04/2024 18:25

Luckydog7 · 24/04/2024 17:30

Er. I think that's even more concerning that it was sent so casually. Suggests it's been happening for a while and it isn't a surprise/the first time. Unless he's pretending he didn't see it because he's mortified I suppose.

I'd think this too

MMmomDD · 24/04/2024 18:28

What is their history?

And why are they watching TV shows together???

Porageeater · 24/04/2024 18:29

He could have deleted messages and intended to save the picture in hidden folder but forgot. It makes no odds what else they were talking about anyway. It’s a naked picture of her. I’m really sorry OP that this has happened.

Watchkeys · 24/04/2024 18:55

Is it better or worse that there was no sexual talk after that or is it worse as she obviously felt comfortable doing that in the first place

There's no good or bad outcome here; just take it as it is. A woman sent a naked picture to your partner, who didn't say 'Get lost you perv, I'm in a relationship'. Deal with that, rather than trying to work out whether this nuance would be better or worse than that nuance.

Original poster
Oghno · 24/04/2024 20:45

Luckydog7 · 24/04/2024 17:30

Er. I think that's even more concerning that it was sent so casually. Suggests it's been happening for a while and it isn't a surprise/the first time. Unless he's pretending he didn't see it because he's mortified I suppose.

Do you think that's in any way likely, him being mortified? I'm trying to think of why he then didn't say wtf or delete it

OP posts:
Luckydog7 · 24/04/2024 22:18

No, I don't think it's likely. Regardless of why/how/what. Him having that image on his phone is crossing a boundary that any reasonable person would agree is marriage breaking potentially.

Even if it's the first image and nonsolicited (unlikely but trying to be generous), the fact that a, he didn't tell you, b, he didn't shut it down c, continued the conversation, would be completely unacceptable to a lot of people.

MsDogLady · 24/04/2024 22:25

@Oghno, your P is not monogamous. If he was mortified or disturbed that she had crossed a line, he would have shut her down, distanced himself, and deleted the explicit photo. Instead, he proceeded with the tv watching chat. It’s clear that they have built a dynamic of intimacy and familiarity which includes a sexual component. Unless you have an open relationship, this is infidelity and disloyalty.

What are his behaviors that have been triggering your suspicions?

grinandslothit · 25/04/2024 02:36

Sadly, you think you're in a relationship he thinks he's single.

No there's no legitimate reason for him to have her nude photo on his phone

coxesorangepippin · 25/04/2024 02:37

Do you live together?

Original poster
Oghno · 25/04/2024 09:16

coxesorangepippin · 25/04/2024 02:37

Do you live together?

Yes we do, 5 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Oghno · 25/04/2024 11:23

Luckydog7 · 24/04/2024 22:18

No, I don't think it's likely. Regardless of why/how/what. Him having that image on his phone is crossing a boundary that any reasonable person would agree is marriage breaking potentially.

Even if it's the first image and nonsolicited (unlikely but trying to be generous), the fact that a, he didn't tell you, b, he didn't shut it down c, continued the conversation, would be completely unacceptable to a lot of people.

I think that's what's effecting me most. Even if he was trying not to embarrass her, it's not normal to then just carry on talking is it? Sorry I'm just trying to process

Unless as @MsDogLady says,its a normal component

OP posts:
Luckydog7 · 25/04/2024 11:27

Yes i think @MsDogLady is right, this seems like the most likely.

Sorry OP.

What are you going to do?

DaisyChain505 · 25/04/2024 11:39

Nobody randomly sends a nude to someone who is just a friend. You have to have a certain kind of relationship (sexual, flirty, intimate)

Original poster
Oghno · 25/04/2024 11:40

Luckydog7 · 25/04/2024 11:27

Yes i think @MsDogLady is right, this seems like the most likely.

Sorry OP.

What are you going to do?

I don't know. I'm trying to think if there is any way it would be acceptable to carry on talking normally to her in general, but there's not, is there?

Would you expect a dp to cut them off if they didn't want a sexual relationship with them?

OP posts:
Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 25/04/2024 11:47

Yes I would have expected him to cut the conversation off, definitely. Obviously in a ideal world he would have said this isn't on, I'm in a relationship, don't ever send me anything like that again - but I also would have understood just not replying at all. But to continue chatting is weird. I would bring it up with him and ask, why have you allowed a women to send you nudes without saying anything? To be fair he didn't respond in kind or by the sounds of it, even flirt with her so it might just be early enough to shame/scare him into never allowing this again.

Oakstreet · 25/04/2024 11:57

They are very comfortable with each other and she is in particular to send pics and him not deleting and then joking around. Not good. Sorry I would very upset too. I think there might be more. I wouldn't send any male friends nude pics. I wouldn't send them to my partner either.

Watchkeys · 25/04/2024 12:13

Would you expect a dp to cut them off if they didn't want a sexual relationship with them

With these kinds of questions, it's not about what we would expect 'a dp to do; our morals/ethics/standards are what matter in your relationship.

Try to answer the questions for yourself. What would you do, if someone sent you a naked picture of themselves? Would you cut them off? What messages would you feel were appropriate to send?

You're looking to find what's appropriate, but different people find different things appropriate, so what you yourself would do in any given situation will tell you what an appropriate response is, in your book.

Original poster
Oghno · 25/04/2024 12:18

I know it's what I think that matters but other perspectives are helpful to me to process, so I'm interested in what they would do or feel

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 25/04/2024 12:34

Oghno · 25/04/2024 12:18

I know it's what I think that matters but other perspectives are helpful to me to process, so I'm interested in what they would do or feel

Ask yourself why. Are you concerned about whether other people feel the same way as you about films? About foods? About socialising? Or are you just comfortable with the fact that you like one thing and other people like other things? And if so, why would you care, when it comes to the most intimate relationship in your life, what others would do/feel/think?

Original poster
Oghno · 25/04/2024 12:45

Watchkeys · 25/04/2024 12:34

Ask yourself why. Are you concerned about whether other people feel the same way as you about films? About foods? About socialising? Or are you just comfortable with the fact that you like one thing and other people like other things? And if so, why would you care, when it comes to the most intimate relationship in your life, what others would do/feel/think?

Show quote history

Honestly, I know you're just trying to help but it just feels really patronising

I've said this helps me and I'm talking about this specific issue that's just happened to me and my world potentially exploding, hearing how others would feel is helpful to me right now, I don't need to ask myself why...its not in any way comparible to my favourite film.

OP posts:
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