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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found a picture

89 replies

Oghno · 24/04/2024 17:16

Please don't judge me for snooping, I just need to vent as I'm so confused and upset

I had a spidey sense about my dps friendship with a woman friend and followed through, and looked at my dps phone. There was a naked photo of this woman on there with a jokey message then they both carried on normal conversation about watching a TV show together. I was blindsided as I didn't think I'd see that and now almost regret doing it.

Is it better or worse that there was no sexual talk after that or is it worse as she obviously felt comfortable doing that in the first place?

My head is a mess

OP posts:

Original poster

Oghno · 26/04/2024 17:07

Spidery · 26/04/2024 17:02

Just seen your update OP and read through your previous posts. As far as I can see you haven't mentioned how long your DP has known this woman - was she a friend of his from before you two got together? Or has she come into his life recently?

I know this is really upsetting for you but whereas the original information suggested a sexual relationship and the "watching TV together" was the excuse to enable him to go round there for sex your latest updates indicate it is more than just the sex. If he is going round there building furniture for her - I assume he hadn't mentioned that to you- they are behaving like a couple. What on earth else is he doing for her when he goes round there? And then the added upset of him saying he finds her so attractive.

Not wanting to be cruel at all but I agree with the pp who suggested it could be very likely he may leave you for her. And I also agree you should start getting your affairs in order to see exactly where you stand financially.

Even if he doesn't leave you I really don't see how you could stay in a relationship where your DP is obviously emotionally invested in another woman and is having sex with her.

Edited

I'm not ignoring the rest of it, I'm just taking it in. But the furniture and the TV I did know about as I don't have an issue with him helping a friend or doing what I thought was a mundane thing like watching TV. He told me both of those things so I had no reason to question it. It's interesting to see other people wouldn't be ok with those things without the rest going on

OP posts:

BusterGonad · 26/04/2024 17:10

Oghno · 26/04/2024 16:53

The furniture and TV would be a deal breaker for you?

Show quote history

Not a deal breaker as such but why would he want to watch tv with someone else when I'm his wife and we can watch tv together, it sounds silly but, yes, I would have a problem with it. Football etc with a bunch of people, no problem, or a film night with a few people fine, but I'm afraid watching TV at another woman's house just the two of them would make me feel a bit.. Jealous I guess, it just seems rather intimate and I wouldn't be able to understand why he'd want to do it. The flat pack furniture thing is a bit niggling considering he also watches tv with her. He's acting like a boyfriend to her. I'm not chilled enough to be happy with it. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. I know men and women can be friends but I wouldn't particularly want my husband hanging out alone with a single woman a lot.

grinandslothit · 26/04/2024 17:30

Oghno · 25/04/2024 21:01

I really don't think that's the case. That might sound naive but I've spoken to him while he's there as has his mum and I don't think that's the case

Show quote history

You spoke on the phone with him or was it video chatting?

men have been known to have phone calls while they're laying in bed naked with another woman and don't think anything about it.

Has he known this woman a long time and how often is he going over there to watch tv?

I understand that it's difficult to accept, but he is having an affair.

You might call women's aid and chat to them and a solicitor and find out what your rights are. Gather up any of your financial information too.

Spidery · 26/04/2024 17:42

From what you said it sounded as though you only knew about the furniture building when you read about it in the messages.

Secondstart1001 · 26/04/2024 18:00

I’m really sorry but the naked picture would sadly be confirmation that something sexual is going on. And the fact that she’s sending a picture shows she wants to get your partner caught and they are enjoying the “danger” of an affair. Now is the time to sort your finances ect and decide what you want to do. If you are going to confront him? I hope you are ok, it’s makes me feel sick to my stomach reading all of this. A million times worse for you I know x

Original poster

Oghno · 26/04/2024 18:14

Secondstart1001 · 26/04/2024 18:00

It definitely didn't read as danger enjoying or anything like that. The worse part for me is the seemingly normalness of it and then continuing chat like pp said you'd do with a partner

OP posts:

Chaiilatte · 26/04/2024 18:17

He is cheating on you OP. I know you want to stay in denial, as your world will turn upside down but it's clear as day. What more evidence do you need? To see them in the act in front of your eyes?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/04/2024 19:00

There is no way i would be happy with my husband going to a woman's house to watch TV or put together furniture for her...if we went as a couple fine.

I would finish it if I found naked pictures of either of them being sent between them

The ease in which they speak to each other gives of strong couple, been doing this a while vibes.

Do what you need to do, but protect yourself while doing it....sort finances, gather documents, pensions, bank accounts, passports and birth certificates together.

Squirrel away money for a leaving, next stage fund.

Agiftandacurse · 26/04/2024 20:02

Does she know about you? Could she think he’s single and she’s dating him? It comes across as a parallel relationship to yours 😔

Original poster

Oghno · 26/04/2024 20:29

Agiftandacurse · 26/04/2024 20:02

Does she know about you? Could she think he’s single and she’s dating him? It comes across as a parallel relationship to yours 😔

She definitely knows I exist and that the dc do but I've obviously no idea what he's told her

OP posts:

TicTac80 · 26/04/2024 20:45

The thing I'm shocked about is that he did not make a comment back re: the nude pic. Something like, "erm I hope you didn't mean to send that to me", or "wtf" or a similar thing.

Years back, a good friend of mine (female) sent me (female) a rude pic of herself and a dirty text. It was meant for her DP. She sent it to me by mistake. I sent back a quick message, "Yikes I think you meant to send this to your DP and not me"...and then got on with starting my shift at work. When it came to my break time, I had LOADS of messages from her and her DP apologising. I found it quite funny, they were mortified. We laugh about it now.

The fact that she didn't immediately apologise and say it wasn't meant for him...and he didn't say something, would get my suspicions up. I'm sorry that he's done this to you x

Scottishlady2 · 26/04/2024 21:30

I think you’ve been really trusting op and to the extent most of us wouldn’t have been. It does sound like they have something going on, perhaps it was friendship at first but has obviously developed.
I would sort out all the finances and then confront him. I think you have enough evidence to be certain.
sorry this is happening

HelloLemonPie · 26/04/2024 23:40

OP, I don't want to be unkind but I literally cringe reading your posts. Your so firmly in denial and are getting defensive at anyone who is calling a cat for being a cat.

We're not going to lie to you on here and say what you want - that it's likely they're just friends.

He is obviously sleeping with her. Wake up! Get some dignity. Stop taking it out on poster on here who are trying to help you.

How low are you standards when you can't even challenge him on the fact this woman has taken and sent him a naked photo.

If he loved you he wouldn't do that.

If he respected you... He wouldn't do that.

Secondstart1001 · 26/04/2024 23:49

@Oghno I get that you went snooping to find comfort that they were just friends but you’ve found the exact opposite of comfort, you’ve uncovered a nightmare and you are hurting as you love your DP quite clearly, and that’s ok.
Maybe let other posters know how they can best support you, however your instincts lead you to read his messages which means even you know something suspicious was going on.
Everyone is telling you he is cheating and I know that’s hurtful. But let us know the kind of support you want as seems to me you need time to process what’s happened. It must be hard to look at him right now esp if you are bottling all that hurt up. Take care

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