Found messages on his phone...

[lostwithyou]

Hi, name changed for this.

I need some advice on this and whether I am looking too much into this?
My husband and me have been married for 7 years. He used to be married before.

I know he used to like this girl during his younger years but why he didn’t pursue her, I don’t know. I know he reached out to her before we got together but found out she was with someone. I don’t think he ever admitted to her that he liked her but I know they had mutual friends that he told who tried to tell her but she was engaged and didn’t entertain the idea.… but she was single before his first marriage and I don’t think he’s ever told her he liked in that way so to defend her, I don’t think she knows anything and she just sees him as an old friend.

So recently I looked at one of his social media platforms because I wanted to see a family thing as my phone isn’t working.

On there I just checked his messages, I saw that he re-added her last year and started a conversation with her. The conversation isn’t really anything sinister but I just feel un-easy about it. He was asking her about her husband, what he does etc. He messaged a few times saying ‘say hello to him from me’ – even though he’s never met him. She’s tried to finish the conversation a few times because it was just mundane but he would just re-start it again. He even asked her for advice regarding our child and she said why would he accept her advice when they haven’t spoken in years and he justified it by saying the they have a child the same age. He also expressed happiness that she’s done well in her career.

Again there’s nothing sinister about it, but why do I feel un-easy? Why do I feel like he has regrets about her or still holds a torch for her?

I think he still holds a torch for her and it looks like some kind of limerence to me.
talk to him so that he comes to his senses.

She clearly thinks he’s a weirdo, tell him he’s embarrassing himself.

It doesn't help that she's prettier than me and more successful. They are both on the same level job wise whereas I never went to Uni so my career won't even flourish like theirs have, especially in the field I am in 😞

"Pretty" can be deceiving on social media.

Don't do yourself down OP. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to her.

It sounds as though she isn't interested in him and is trying to shut him down.
You should talk to your DH.

She's married too so no, I don't think there's any interest from her part. As far as I can see, she's just re-connecting to an old friend.

But is that what he's doing too? No one seems to be telling me that its in my head - even though I have suggested nothing sinister was said and he has not tried to meet up with her alone but suggested a old friend reunion.

I am not putting myself down - it is true. She is really pretty.

Ah, but also her husband is probably better looking, more successful and less of a saddo than your DH.
This is probably giving your DH more issues than anyone else. She's not a threat by the sounds of it. Most probably never got with her as she was not interested. Its maybe a tad creepy that he can't take a hint and move on, only you know what your relationship is like in general. If its going well, this should wear off, if there is something missing for him, this is filling a hole for him.

Problem is that it doesn’t wear off and seems to be going on for years.

I would find it disrespectful tbh. My husbad pursuing someone else behind my back. He needs to be confronted about this.

He's made a tit of himself hasn't he
I have a friend who's caught her partner doing this kind of thing several times and each time he has been shut down by the other woman as they weren't interested
It would totally give me 'the ick '

OP - while he probably has a bit of a soft spot about her - the way you are feeling is more about you. And your insecurities.
Regarding your education and career progression - is there anything you can do to increase your qualifications? not to better compare to her but for YOU?!

I’d leave him be - she is clearly not encouraging their communications and it all will die down on its own.

Very good point re education/career.

Re letting him be I al not sure I agree. He disrespects his life partner and in a way tells her she is second best. The OP should know her worth and kick him out.
I wouldn’t stay with a man If I weren’t his first choice.

What stops you from talking to him about it?

When am I supposed to say? Why are you messaging an old friend?

His comeback will be, they never dated, he has no feelings for her, why am I checking his messages and where in the messages has he said anything inappropriate blah blah. Do I tell him to stop messaging her? He might become more secretive with his phone? Right now, he isn't and I was able to access his messages. He has never messaged any other woman from what I can see.

So everyone thinks he still has feelings for her then? Even though he hasn't seen her since 2014?

He's never compared me to her, ever.
I am comparing myself to see why he might still have feelings, if he does.

Would you still feel uneasy if she wasn’t an old ‘love interest’?
I.e he’s just reconnected with an old friend and they’re having mundane chit chat or is it because he used to like her as more than friends?

You're basically saying, then, that you know what he'll say, and you won't believe him.

AKA you don't trust him. That's what you need to deal with. Not 'what he's done', but 'what you feel'.

What would you need, to make you feel better? What does he need to give you/say to you, to make that happen?

You can tell when someone is fishing OP I understand. It is incredibly disrespectful of him but he hasn't definiatively crossed a boundary so it probably isn't worth your while, unless you think he'd be open to a frank conversation about how it made you feel.

I think you're probably safe to let it play out as it sounds like she is uninterested and probably a little irritated by his messages. It would make me feel the ick though regarding him if he's been embarrassing himself like that.

I think she's shutting him down anyway, OP. He's coming across as a bit pathetic, tbh.

Neither I nor DH would ask other people’s advice on our DC without mentioning it. I’d be livid if my DH did this.

How is your relationship otherwise?
Did you feel everything was fine until you discovered he was trying to rekindle this old friendship?

I was hoping that most of you would tell me that it's all in my head.

How do I move on from knowing he might still be pining for her or regrets not pursuing her?

Do I leave him because he sent an old friend some messages that has no sinister content?

I am confused.

Your husband is being a creep

Not acceptable behaviour at all, wrong that's he's pestering her whilst he's with you and would still be wrong pestering her even if he was single

Yes everything else is okay. He rarely has or messages female friends.
The fact he sought to message someone he used to like and who he hasn't seen in 10 years has thrown me a wobble.... I kind of feel second best?
If she accepted his advances, he would have married her... not me I am assuming?

You deal with it in the same way as any healthy couple deal with any relationship issue: you talk to him, tell him what's bothering you, and ask him for what you need from him. You listen to his side, too, and then you decide how you feel, and base your actions on that.

If you can't do that, you don't have a relationship worth saving.

This is why it’s never good to read other people’s private messages - you’re reading stuff into them that isn’t even there (they’re not inappropriate from what you’ve said).

What made you check them in the first place?