Found messages on his phone...

[lostwithyou]

Hi, name changed for this.

I need some advice on this and whether I am looking too much into this?
My husband and me have been married for 7 years. He used to be married before.

I know he used to like this girl during his younger years but why he didn’t pursue her, I don’t know. I know he reached out to her before we got together but found out she was with someone. I don’t think he ever admitted to her that he liked her but I know they had mutual friends that he told who tried to tell her but she was engaged and didn’t entertain the idea.… but she was single before his first marriage and I don’t think he’s ever told her he liked in that way so to defend her, I don’t think she knows anything and she just sees him as an old friend.

So recently I looked at one of his social media platforms because I wanted to see a family thing as my phone isn’t working.

On there I just checked his messages, I saw that he re-added her last year and started a conversation with her. The conversation isn’t really anything sinister but I just feel un-easy about it. He was asking her about her husband, what he does etc. He messaged a few times saying ‘say hello to him from me’ – even though he’s never met him. She’s tried to finish the conversation a few times because it was just mundane but he would just re-start it again. He even asked her for advice regarding our child and she said why would he accept her advice when they haven’t spoken in years and he justified it by saying the they have a child the same age. He also expressed happiness that she’s done well in her career.

Again there’s nothing sinister about it, but why do I feel un-easy? Why do I feel like he has regrets about her or still holds a torch for her?

There are many more options than 'lie or go nuclear', @lostwithyou !

Yeah thats what i think hes trying to hard and shes not into him.

The problem of his contact with her sounds like it will be resolved soon anyway - he's pushing hard on the boundaries of appropriate behaviour and will end up blocked.

That doesn't resolve your problem with him being a potential cheater and not loyal to you, obviously.

He used to be married before.

And what happened there?

Isn't this the story of "What a Fool Believes" by The Doobie Brothers?

[Guy thinks woman from way back in his life has the same feelings for him that he had for her. When he gets in contact, she can barely remember him.]

Yeah, mine did that.
Trust your feelings. If it feels off, it is.
This will get piled on, I know - but I'd be inclined to message her, tell her exactly how you're feeling and asking her not to engage with him.

I think he's disrespecting both you and the other woman.

My husband and her were good close friends at one point but drifted away. The thing is she doesn’t seem annoyed at him like people think. She actually said a few times “oh you haven’t changed” , “oh I remember you used to be liked this”. Again, she probably doesn’t think anything of what’s he is doing as he’s not actually said anything inappropriate - if she knew he used to/still had feelings for her maybe she wouldn’t be so “ah it’s so nice to hear from you”.

i just don’t understand why her? Is he in love with her?
he’s had previous girlfriends, peoples he liked, met numerous women since but why her? Someone he’s not had a romantic relationship with ? I’d actually understand it more if it was a previous girlfriend.

The problem is, OP, that while she is clearly batting him away, however gently, he isn't getting the hint and is clearly looking for more engagement from her.

It doesn't really matter what she is or isn't doing. He is. And his attempts at engaging her are very 'try hard' if he weren't interested in her.

The messages stopped a month ago. She stopped replying as there wasn’t anything to reply to I am assuming.

He messaged her again last week when she asked people for some advice on a post but that was straight to the point and she just said thank you.

Sounds like she's had a gutful of him pestering her, so you're right to think it's him driving it all.

Why did his first marriage end?

He contacts a woman he's always fancied out of the blue and tries to engage her in chit chat even though it doesn't sound like she's interested? Sorry OP but he's looking to cheat 🙁 the question is, what are you going to do about it?

I'm sure you are beautiful and successful, it boils my pi** when perfectly lovely women are made to feel like they aren't enough because the nem in their lives want to act like predatory weirdos towards women from their pasts who (by the looks of it in this situation) clearly have no interest don't compare yourself OP but I'd definitely be bringing this up

I've been friends with/worked in male dominated workplaces enough to know the 'fishing' is real, or as one guy put it - planting seeds and waiting to see which sprout. Men don't strike up chit chat like this without intensions of getting their leg over in my experience... ugh!

If that was my husband I'd tell him that I've seen the messages and ask him straight up if he wants out of the marriage. If he does he does if he doesn't then the messages need to stop and he needs to put that kind of attention in to courting you. You can't stop him cheating if that's where it's going. Sooner or later someone will 'bite'.

but I'd be inclined to message her, tell her exactly how you're feeling and asking her not to engage with him.

SMH.

Yeah op should go around any woman her h tries to establish a connection with, telling them to not engage with him.

Maybe she has good instincts.

The thing is she doesn’t seem annoyed at him like people think.

There were a few things in your op that sounded like she was getting a bit irritated.

Do you think she really thinks it's normal for married acquaintance from years ago to send 1 min past 12 birthday messages to a married woman?

It does seem that she is just being polite and not appreciating him bothering her and probably thinks he's a toad.

He's clearly trying to ingratiate with her in order to strike up a regular conversation.

The problem is that it indicates he is bored in his marriage.

I would be keeping an eye on the situation but I would also be having a chat with him to see how he feels about the marriage and if he's happy etc

The messages stopped a month ago. She stopped replying as there wasn’t anything to reply to I am assuming.

He wasn't getting an "in".

She defended her husband when he tried to rubbish his eg cake for her birthday.

It looked like a non starter.

i just don’t understand why her? Is he in love with her?
he’s had previous girlfriends, peoples he liked, met numerous women since but why her? Someone he’s not had a romantic relationship with ? I’d actually understand it more if it was a previous girlfriend.

You said he liked her but she was not free etc at several points. He's never "had" her. Maybe he deludes himself that she's the one who got away.
He's had his previous girlfriends and the relationships ran their course.

Well the good news is she doesn’t sound remotely interested. I’d be tempted to fuck with his head and delete her / unfriend her. He’ll assume she’s done it. He will look like a total loon if he adds her again.

How do you know this, do you always happen to check his messages then?

If she accepted his advances, he would have married her... not me I am assuming?

You have no idea about that. They might very well ended up fighting over a film after 4 months.
He is fantasising about whatever ideal that he thinks this woman represent. It’s not grounded in reality. Hence he made himself look like a tit when he contacted her.

However, I do think it’s very disrespectful. Esp as he has taken his fantasy into RL.