Found messages on his phone...

[lostwithyou]

Hi, name changed for this.

I need some advice on this and whether I am looking too much into this?
My husband and me have been married for 7 years. He used to be married before.

I know he used to like this girl during his younger years but why he didn’t pursue her, I don’t know. I know he reached out to her before we got together but found out she was with someone. I don’t think he ever admitted to her that he liked her but I know they had mutual friends that he told who tried to tell her but she was engaged and didn’t entertain the idea.… but she was single before his first marriage and I don’t think he’s ever told her he liked in that way so to defend her, I don’t think she knows anything and she just sees him as an old friend.

So recently I looked at one of his social media platforms because I wanted to see a family thing as my phone isn’t working.

On there I just checked his messages, I saw that he re-added her last year and started a conversation with her. The conversation isn’t really anything sinister but I just feel un-easy about it. He was asking her about her husband, what he does etc. He messaged a few times saying ‘say hello to him from me’ – even though he’s never met him. She’s tried to finish the conversation a few times because it was just mundane but he would just re-start it again. He even asked her for advice regarding our child and she said why would he accept her advice when they haven’t spoken in years and he justified it by saying the they have a child the same age. He also expressed happiness that she’s done well in her career.

Again there’s nothing sinister about it, but why do I feel un-easy? Why do I feel like he has regrets about her or still holds a torch for her?

Yes, I'm confused by this. At one stage the OP was suggesting that the woman was decidedly irritated and only responding on a very basic level. She even "sniped back" about the birthday cake comment.

Now the OP is telling us the woman isn't particularly annoyed with him. Sorry but which is it?

looks can be deceiving on photos, especially with filters and photo shop. please don't put your self down and make your self feel low. She clearly isn't interested in him and his only embarrassing himself. Maybe she knows his married and isnt entertaining him and thinks his scum for even trying. You need to have a chat with him tell him what you have seen and see his defence. Not that he could have one as he is clearly trying to pursue something that isnt going to happen.

hope everything works out for you sending hugs.

OP - the way you are going about it - analysing minute details of their messages and timings - is not going to end well.
You’ll grow increasingly unhappy and build fantastical scenarios in your head.
And it’ll affect your relationship.

While I still do not think the nuclear version is justified here - but doing nothing is not going to work. You are too far gone and are obsessing about this woman vs you.
So - maybe the best in this situation is to come clean and confront him. Tell him how you’ve been feeling about that woman and that you saw messages and it hurt you.
His reaction will be telling.

Best case - he’ll shape up and apologise.

Worst case - of course - he’ll get defensive.

But I don’t think you will get out of this place on your own without some sort of blow up.

So I confronted my husband last night. He said:

• Yes he does have a soft spot for her, they were really good friends and she reminds him of one of the best times of his life when he was younger
• He doesn't think he has feelings for her as they haven't seen each other for years
• He doesn't think think she got irritated by him because they always have had a banter relationship
• He was on Facebook and got a notification it was her birthday so messaged her
• He doesn't have many female friends so he doesn't understand what the issue is
• He said he hasn't hid his phone or nor will he do so doesn't understand the issue
• He was just interested in her husband and who she married
• Asked for advice about our child to keep the conversation and always remembered she gave good advice

What do you think? Do you think he's minimizing his feelings for her? Can you actually still have feelings for someone you haven't seen or been romantically involved with?

He doesn't think he has feelings for her? So not actually sure 100%? As he hasn't seen her for years? So if he did see her then he would?

That phrasing would trouble me

Sorry op, this is not on. If it was me I would be telling him he either stops messaging her or I would be leaving. It's embarrassing that he is trying to constantly talk to her, she's married as is he. He needs to have more respect for you. Definitely don't doubt yourself x

My ex was a bit like this. Quite socially awkward, not a good flirt etc. So there were times when he’d message people and it would just come off as embarrassing. He’s message my friends sometimes, without my knowledge and nothing sinister, but it felt undermining and also risked my friendships.

I think to keep pressuring someone he admits he has/does fancy into conversation is inappropriate, but more so it’s so cringe and embarrassing that it is “ick-worthy” and enough to put you off him. There’s nothing sexy about a guy so desperate for someone’s attention that he can’t even read the signals and just makes a nuisance of himself.

It’s up to you how you feel about him though.

This would give me the ick. It's disrespectful to you - he's not reassured you that he DOESN'T have feelings.

He should have said - I'm so sorry, my behaviour has been inappropriate. I'm sorry it's made you doubt me. I'm going to block and not talk to her again.

I absolutely agree the wording he used here is very troubling and to be blunt bloody insensitive to you!!

I couldn’t continue a relationship if someone told me they don’t ‘think’ they have feelings for someone else.
he’s either 100% into me and if it’s less than no, sorry goodbye.

Yes if she had accepted his advances in the past things might have been different, but there are a lot of things that can happen or not happen that can change the course of the future. It didn’t. Just because he loved her once and could have ended up with her is no reflection on his feelings for you now. And just because he might harbour a bit of nostalgia doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble either. Haven’t you ever felt a bit of curiosity about an old flame? A lot of people have someone who was ‘the one that got away’ that they think about from time to time. We can even have daft crushes while we are in relationships - I think they are normal and run their course.
I do think an explanation would help you feel more secure about this but overall, in the absence of any other issues or reasons to doubt your relationship, I’d say he’s just been a bit daft, probably just curious and had a bit of a brain fart getting in touch with her. She’s clearly not interested and has tried to shut him down and I bet he’s really embarrassed

It sounds to me like he's fixated on a relationship he has built in his head. A romantic view of what life would have been like if he and this woman had got together. By starting that conversation he has taken a step to try to bring that vision into reality. By keeping the conversation going he is keeping that vision and the prospect alive. She seems to have no such vision or interest so the reality won't happen.

Should you leave him for it? No. Should you explain to him how the fact he is envisioning life without you makes you feel that you're not good enough. Absolutely yes!

He's not been unfaithful but the fact he is dreaming about a life without you rather dreaming about building one with you is very hurtful.

To be fair you shouldn’t go snooping in his phone
altough I think he has a crush on him So own up that you saw it and ask him what he is playing at tell him he is making a fool of the both of you and if it doesn’t stop he is out the door and on his own

I think you need to have another conversation about how you are feeling.... second best, hurt, confused.... everything you've asked on here. He now needs to make you feel the way he should....loved, cherished, his world. Until he's convinced you that you are everything to him, which is what I sense you need, and have a right to want, I'd be considering your options. You can't live your life wondering if he might rather be with someone else, whether it's reciprocal or not.

Men ! They can be so cringe sometimes, completely blind to unsubtle hints and shut-downs, in their desperation for their fragile little egos to be caressed !
He held a torch for her long ago but she never held one for him in return, far from it. It’s fair to say when we get bored, depressed or stuck in a rut of daily drudgery, it can be exciting to daydream for a moment about what could have been, how life might have been different, etc. It doesn’t mean to say it would have been any better, even if the object of our affections had reciprocated. It’s just the fantasy of the dream. He put her on a pedestal and only saw the good in her, and not the bad or mundane bits because he never stood a chance, and he knew it which is why he didn’t want to shame himself back then and risk losing her as a ‘friend’.
There might be a part of him that secretly likes the idea that maybe she’ll keep him in mind, should her marriage ever fail. But it’s all one sided anyway, so don’t worry, it’s really not likely to happen. And it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and your life together either. Generally speaking it’s better to have a safe fantasy you know will never come true, than ever being disappointed by the reality of it !
Having said this, monitor the situation going forward. Screenshot those messages. You may need to have the conversation with him at some point.

They met in 2008.
Lost touch in 2012.
Reconnected for a short while in 2013.
Lost touch in 2014.
He tried to reconnect in 2015. Then lost touch.
He hasn’t physically seen her since 2013.

He’s had various female friends since, 3 ex’s since he met her.

Is he ever going to “let go”?

Men! They are such vile creatures, right?

No.

She is his long term fantasy "what if......"

Just FYI, Facebook doesn't notify you bang on midnight that it's someone's birthday. Usually the notifications come in mid morning. So that part is clearly bullshit. Besides which, even if I happened to be on Facebook and see in the side bar that it was someone's birthday that day, I wouldn't message them at 1 min past midnight unless it was someone I was very close to and trying to look keen. I don't think anything is going on by the sounds of it but he clearly carries a torch for her.

You have asked him, which was absolutely the correct thing to do, and he has tried to reassure you. We probably all have one that got away that we think of occasionally. His mistake was to initiate contact, which has now, understandably, upset you. I would let him know that it has upset you (I’m sure you have!) and ask how he would feel if you did similar. In my opinion you then need to try and let it go - on the proviso he thinks of how you’ll feel in the future before doing something so thoughtless. I would hope this was a one off. If it isn’t then you’ll need to rethink.

Honestly , that would make me think less of him. It’s a bit of an ick really - she’s clearly not interested and he keeps messaging , it would make me think what he would do if she was interested and it would make me feel like some sort of consolation prize ! It’s very disrespectful of you . You need to have it out with him .

It also could be a case of him thinking the grass is greener … that if you left , or he thought it could end you two - he would realise !

I had a similar experience with an ex . I found messages where he had been messaging his friends gf . It was clear from the messages that she wasn’t interested but he was almost inviting himself over when her partner was out . It gave me the ick massively . At the time he wasn’t interested in sex and wouldn’t even bite at flirting with me . I confronted Him and he apologised said it was innocent etc . We stayed together a few months but it wasn’t the same .

When we split , initiated by me , he was distraught ! Hounded me - sent me heartfelt letters , saying he couldn’t live without me , even turned up with an engagement ring and proposed ! I had his friends contacting me saying he was distraught . Years later , when he was with someone else and had a child he messaged me - similar to what you explain with your husband . I blocked him .

I don't think it sounds like you have anything to worry about. I think it is his younger years he misses rather than this woman in particular, it's just the 2 are connected. Maybe have a few date nights. Show him the present can be good fun too. Don't dwell on it too much or you will spoil what you have.

I've been on both sides of this.

Someone I was friends with- only friends - randomly reappeared after 5 years. We reconnected as friends. He told me he had always liked me. It progressed to him texting me non stop (CONSTANTLY) and putting demands on me like "I would like it if you could say good morning and good night". I barely knew him! It got to the point where I had to block him as it was so stalkerish and I couldn't take it anymore. He knew I didn't want a relationship and he knew I didn't want to text 24/7 but he wouldn't leave me alone.

On the other hand, my ex partner had a girlfriend he was with for about a year when they were at high school. She cheated and left. That was 2009. He met me in 2020 and would talk about her all the time, (imagine me saying do you like cheese, him replying "Chloe liked cheese"). After a few months it stopped, he assured me had no feelings for her. He hadn't even seen her since 2012 when he bumped into her! Then in 2023, she added him to snapchat and he told her he missed her, thought of her, would meet her if she was single etc. She wasn't interested at all. I confronted him and he told me when she messaged he "thought he loved her"

Notice how I said ex partner.

OP I'm not going to minimise your concerns because we know it's ultra dodgy that he was trying to reconnect with her. If she had been more interested then well who knows ...
This stuff is unfortunately common these days with social media making it so easy. I know a few happily married guys who do the same, it's all very attention-seeking and maybe they get a thrill and a bit of an ego-boost.
It's good that you've confronted him and vocalised any worries, I don't think it's a LTB situation at the moment but just remain aware. You know now he has shown potential to cheat.