Found messages on his phone...

[lostwithyou]

Hi, name changed for this.

I need some advice on this and whether I am looking too much into this?
My husband and me have been married for 7 years. He used to be married before.

I know he used to like this girl during his younger years but why he didn’t pursue her, I don’t know. I know he reached out to her before we got together but found out she was with someone. I don’t think he ever admitted to her that he liked her but I know they had mutual friends that he told who tried to tell her but she was engaged and didn’t entertain the idea.… but she was single before his first marriage and I don’t think he’s ever told her he liked in that way so to defend her, I don’t think she knows anything and she just sees him as an old friend.

So recently I looked at one of his social media platforms because I wanted to see a family thing as my phone isn’t working.

On there I just checked his messages, I saw that he re-added her last year and started a conversation with her. The conversation isn’t really anything sinister but I just feel un-easy about it. He was asking her about her husband, what he does etc. He messaged a few times saying ‘say hello to him from me’ – even though he’s never met him. She’s tried to finish the conversation a few times because it was just mundane but he would just re-start it again. He even asked her for advice regarding our child and she said why would he accept her advice when they haven’t spoken in years and he justified it by saying the they have a child the same age. He also expressed happiness that she’s done well in her career.

Again there’s nothing sinister about it, but why do I feel un-easy? Why do I feel like he has regrets about her or still holds a torch for her?

You are being a bit disingenuous.
Out of the blue he is trying to rekindle a friendship with someone he has had no contact with for years. Someone who OP knows he had/has feelings for. He is trying to establish a closeness - asking about parenting issues for heavens sake?

OP feels upset and unsettled for a reason. Blaming her for looking at the messages is not helpful to her.

Poor guy, sounds like he's having a bit of a mid life, he's embarrassed himself already, sounds as if she is not impressed. I think he will probably be embarrassed enough once he's through it. Yes it's not ideal but we are still individual people in a relationship and the humdrum can be pretty claustrophobic, it doesn't sound like he's an adulterer or a sex pest, just maybe a bit lonely and having a what did I do with my life moment. I think we support each other through the ups and th downs and protect each others dignity to a point. He hasn't actually done anything wrong per se but I get why it's unsettling. I feel for you both but I don't think it's as bad as you think. It's just that life, as it turns out, is fairly mundane for most people and I know that feeling of shit, I'm going to die soon and look at all this stuff I haven't done. Although I did, we upped and left, moved abroad, travelled, earned lots of money and had a lot of opportunities. My other half says my mid life crisis was the best thing to happen to him!

The poster who called it fishing is correct.

It's a fishing expedition.

I find men rarely rarely indulge in pointless, non functional, chit chat with women.

The fact that he had a thing for her just reinforces that.

He's cringe. With the fake asking about her husband, who he's never even met .. and asking for parenting tips ....yeah, why doesn't he talk about that to his wife, a professional, or use the billion pages of I go on the internet.

This type of man is looking for "bites" for - at the very least - validation and ego massage and gratification... At worst to cheat or even leave for them.

The only plus is that the other woman doesn’t seem interested in the slightest. However as @Watchkeys has said, now is the time to talk though this issue. There are thankfully no external factors at play here so @lostwithyou take control of the situation at this point and be prepared for uncomfortable conversations with your DH.

I'm not sure what people expect to talk through .... He looks very much like a man who's fishing for an affair or a change of partner.

What exactly do you talk through about that?

"I know you'd like something on the side or to replace me" - he'll minimise everything..he'll be more careful and nothing about him will change.

just maybe a bit lonely

Why doesn't he make friends - of both sexes and all ages via a club or similar - then?

How come his loneliness only appears to result in him looking up.old crushes and trying to get them to engage with him?

And it's obvious she's not any more interested now than she was then.

You will be creating all sorts of scenarios in your head here. Particularly your last post, would he have married her instead of you?! Don't worry about that. Fate has aligned you two and no what ifs really matter because they didn't happen.

My concern here is his complete misunderstanding of the interaction. Are there messages to others? I'd be more concerned if he's one of those guys that's always messaging people he vaguely knows. I know a few guys like this so maybe I'm projecting.

Are the messages after he's had a few drinks? What does he say when you talk about her?

This.

@lostwithyou

This is not about being second best.
We all have had a lifelong path of choices.
At some point of his life he did NOT choose to pursue her.
And i am sure you had your own choices. Dated X not Y.

It’s pointless to think - what if he did. No one knows if they’d worked out anyway.
And if you didn’t date him - you’d have met and married someone else just as well - rather than pine after him.

People advising you to leave him over this seem to live in la la land. You have an otherwise good marriage; life; and a child.

You H may have been a bit idiotic (aging? depression?) and remembered a bit of old time crash. And maybe he was fishing for some reminiscing or compliments. It is pathetic rather than anything. Is he getting towards mid-life crisis age?
Certainly not a LTB offence.

Keep your cards close. Keep an eye on the messages and you’ll see it’ll fizzle out.

But really - try to work on your insecurities - you’ll feel so much better .

Fate has aligned you two

🙄

This does sound pretty strange, why would he need advice from a women he hasn't seen in years. I would confront this and try to work something out with him if it makes you uncomfortable. Lastly surely he has another women in his life he could ask for advice about his children....maybe you???? or if he still has his mother or if he has a sister. Strange behavior!

At some point of his life he did NOT choose to pursue her.

Only.they know if ever pursued her.

She sounds barely polite and starting to get irritated in those messages so what makes you think she'd have been much more receptive then.

@MMmomDD I love you a little bit! Please can you come to my house for breakfast every morning and give me a pep talk to start the day? 😊

Oh and I forgot to mention.... he wished her Happy Birthday at 00.01am. So probably most likely the first person to wish her Happy Birthday if assuming she and her partner were asleep.

He also put down a birthday cake that her husband made for her, she obviously sniped back.

She'll be calling him all sorts of name and not in a romantic novel kind of way.

Ok - make sure she doesn’t take him to the police for stalking. You must bring him to his senses. How embarrassing…

Why do I feel like he has regrets about her or still holds a torch for her

Because he does.

How embarrassing- sounds like he’s basically harassing her. I’d get the ick massively and my fanny would clamp shut I’m afraid. I don’t think I could recover from knowing my dh is basically obsessed with another woman and actively trying to get her to be interested back.

Op, I'm honestly sorry to say it but I think many of the responses on this thread have been absolute BS.

He's dipping his rod in the water to see if he can get a bite ... With a woman he used to fancy and presumably still fancies from her photos.

He's trying to establish a connection.

He's at the earliest stage of an affair.... Except it's one sided. So it's an attempted one.

He will minimise and twist and gas light you to the far side of the universe if you challenge him on this.

He may stop (mostly because he's getting nowhere and has been caught), he may hide it better but, to me, you've got a potentially unfaithful man on your hands.

He either always been like that or he's got to that point .... People often find ltrs become samey and unexciting, the ones who lack integrity tend to act more on that (and men outnumber women in that) to try to secure themselves some side action and options.

If she'd responded flirtily/positively, I wouldn't like to see where the convo would be going.

It's like a one sided emotional affair with the out of hours birthday messages etc.

He's embarrassing himself/acting inappropriately (towards her and obviously towards you) and he'll end up blocked or reported.

This. Some of these posts are so victim-blaming and making it about op’s insecurities.

it’s about having self worth and boundaries. Knowing your dh is actively trying, not even subtly, to get an old gf to communicate with him. As for the messages “bit being explicit” - of course theyre not - he’d come across like your average garden variety pervert if he went straight into sexy talk.

But you can bet your arse that’s exactly what he’s hoping will happen. Luckily this particular woman sounds like she isn’t giving him any encouragement. But what if she were? Or what if he seeks out another old friend (or a new one) because there’s “something missing in his life”?

Its ok for you to be livid about this op - most people would be. Texting her at 1 minute past midnight to wish her happy birthday? That takes forethought - he is trying to convey to her that’s she’s on his mind and wanting a response.

Its ludicrous!

take control of the situation at this point

You're overestimating the level of control anyone has with a potential cheater partner.

It is pathetic rather than anything. Certainly not a LTB offence

Not for you to say, @MMmomDD . You might not leave your partner for being pathetic in his desperate attempts to get the attention of another woman, but that doesn't mean it's not acceptable for anybody else to LTB for it.

I would. Ew. Not sure how you could look at your partner in the same way again, if you had any respect for him in the first place.

Certainly not a LTB offence

If fishing to try to get a dialogue going with a former crush, using your kids as an excuse for conversation (yeah he just randomly needs parenting advice from a woman he used to know years ago .....never heard of Amazon or YouTube), sending her 1 min past the hour happy birthday messages like he's her lover or she's extremely high priority in his life etc ..... isn't a LTB offence to you, I'd dread to think what is.

But then I recognise your username from similar posts that regularly make me go "wtf".

You have two options: don’t mention it for now, hard as it is. He’ll just delete everything and change his passwords. Keep an eye on it.

Or print off the messages and confront him with them. Go nuclear and make it clear this isn’t ok and don’t let him gaslight you/wriggle out of it. Tell him you are upset at his lack of respect basically trying to start something with another woman - even if it’s not physical he very clearly wants it to be. The intent is almost as bad.

Though tbh it would just really change my feelings for him, I’d lose all respect.