DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

Ignore horrible comments OP…I think your original post maybe was abit too heavily focused on the SM aspect when its probably actually only a very small part of why you are feeling worried (as you said in your update).

Also, some very judgey comments from people about SM. Plenty of people enjoy posting happy family times, holidays, get togethers etc. You can be happy and it not be fake (there are actually happy people out there). If its not your thing, dont do it but dont judge others who are happy to share.

OP, you need an honest conversation with your DH. Explain you are feeling insecure (about the relationship) and that’s why you focused on the SM part. You could suggest going to talk to a counsellor if you have had your ups and downs and you both really want to make it work.

Hahahahaha this just be a f**king joke 😂

Sounds like you’d really benefit from couples therapy to develop some better communication strategies.

Last month you were asking about how to find the courage to leave him. In that context, it’s hardly surprising that he doesn’t want to post on social media about how great your relationship is.

Why do you want him to post about your relationship anyway? All you’ve said is “it would
be nice”, but why would it be nice? What reassurance or validation are you looking for, and can you get that privately between the two of you rather than in public?

To those who were quite frankly rude, there’s a way to say that you think I’m in the wrong without trying to completely tear me down; perhaps reflect on that. One poster in particular who ironically said MN is about offering support, yet continued to post negative comments.

I think it’s sad that people only post to berate others who come here for support. Just because you don’t agree with them or how they feel does not justify the wording of your responses.

Respectfully, don’t post responses if you can’t do so in a kind and constructive manner.

To those who were quite frankly rude, there’s a way to say that you think I’m in the wrong without trying to completely tear me down; perhaps reflect on that. One poster in particular who ironically said MN is about offering support, yet continued to post negative comments.

I think it’s sad that people only post to berate others who come here for support. Just because you don’t agree with them or how they feel does not justify the wording of your responses.

Respectfully, don’t post responses if you can’t do so in a kind and constructive manner.

Either:
he's a bigamist and he's worried the other wife and kids will rumble him if they see the posts
or
he's an alien in intergalactic witness protection, and is worried the posts are going to blow his cover
or
you are in the matrix and they have programmed your robo-DP to stop posting on SM just to mess with your mind (which is in a petri dish).

I think if you'd posted that I think my husband's behaviour has changed and I'm wondering if he's having an affair/YXY is happening....you might have got more useful replies. People have zoomed in on the SM focus you've posted about which seems very childish.

I’m probably the wrong person to reply because I’m not on Facebook and never will be, it all feels false to me. I understand people needing to be on line if they have a business to promote but other than that, I keep away from it.
so from that angle, I support your husbands decision.

but is it the change in behaviour that is bothering you, or you think other people will notice him not posting and think he doesn’t like you anymore?

There’s a big difference between full on badgering someone to do something they don’t want to, and a couple having a discussion about things and then one not taking action on it. Had he said from the start that he’s not going to because x, y, z then I wouldn’t have asked again. It’s the shutting me down that made me uneasy.
Also I think I was clear that I don’t want gushing posts because we haven’t done that in the past. But an acknowledgement when I tag him in a couple of photos from a special occasion, or I post about DC significant birthday would be nice.

I’ve accepted that it’s not going to happen. My issue is the way he reacted to it. There’s a way to go about responding to things, but perhaps my DH got the same memo as some of the posters on this thread and felt that it didn’t apply to him.

I always think the couple who gush about each other online are in trouble.

this thread proves this theory 😂

YABU. I used to post a lot and in the last 12 months have gone off it. There's too many ads so I get nothing out of it, fewer of my friends are posting, etc. I didn't announce this to the world, I just stopped posting.

If DP asked me why, I'd say "because I can't be bothered ". If challenged further or be guilt tripped into posting, I'd react pretty angrily.

At first I thought there was a bit too much weight on the social media side as many people would benefit from less grandstanding and more IRL. But then it clicked that the obvious reason would be he is having an affair and doesn't want to wind up the other party. Only you can really tell if that's where things are, or he's just decided not to get involved with social media anymore.

Would he mind if you posted a family Kodak moment and tagged him?

I think you are getting a hard ride here.

My husband was having an affair last year. One of the clues was that his social media use subtly changed. I felt needy, like you, in saying why haven’t you posted X or Y. It wasn’t about the not posting, it was about the habit change.

I felt like I was going mad trying to justify what was, on paper, a harmless behaviour change, but it was a sign of a much bigger problem behind the scenes and he used it to gaslight me that I was needy / annoying / paranoid etc.

I hope you are okay

I hope you find a way to work things out.

I really don’t think you can reasonably ask someone to post on SM if they’ve lost interest in it though, as it does compromise privacy and is a particular way of interacting with the world.

The fact that he’s changed his behaviour wouldn’t make me think he’s up to anything. He may occasionally like friend’s posts because he’s being surface-polite whereas with you he’s being honest.

There’s a big difference between full on badgering someone to do something they don’t want to, and a couple having a discussion about things and then one not taking action on it

But he’s already told you he doesn’t want to do it. You discussing it, and expecting him to change his mind just because you want him to, is unreasonable, regardless of you saying he does it for friends and not you. That’s not a discussion, that’s you badgering him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

The issue for me is his change in behaviour and his reaction when I tried to chat to him about it.

As I explained to him, and on this thread, it’s not actually about SM. I’m not big on it myself. And I won’t be asking him again.
We had a discussion last year and I said about feeling more connected, he isn’t the most romantic but had previously posted things so I said this would be nice, or at least to acknowledge the odd thing of mine. He didn’t refuse.

It does very much feel like no matter what I say now most people are so focused on the SM element that they don’t see what my real issue is. Perhaps that was due to my initial post, which I tried to clarify since.

For those who have looked beyond it, whether you agree with my concerns or not, thank you for your input.
It was also good to read about some others who just stopped using SM except for certain things, or where it was just a lull in their relationship but nothing detrimental, that’s reassuring.

@Igetolderbutneverwiser

I think it’s his personal choice/space - plus I think people are generally more aware and posting less personal info these days. 10 years ago, I maybe used to post more about me and DP. Then it was more about the kids, and now I just don’t bother. DP has never really posted, but I don’t think I’d ‘like’ or comment on his posts and I know what’s going on anyway. Plus couple-y love declarations are a bit cringy. He’s in the same room, so I may as well say it rather than post a comment! In fact if DP started putting up special celebrations posts, I’d think that WAS odd behaviour!

I’ve accepted that it’s not going to happen. My issue is the way he reacted to it. There’s a way to go about responding to things, but perhaps my DH got the same memo as some of the posters on this thread and felt that it didn’t apply to him

Yeah, I think he's picked up on your tone, like many posters here. You might not intend it to but it does come across as lecturing. As in 'I'm right and not willing to consider that I'm not'.

I guess he thinks what's the point in arguing with someone like that if they are not self aware enough to see their own flaws or entertain another point of view or accept that someone thinks differently to them.

The problem is it can backfire on you because some people will just agree with you to keep the peace.

But they are not doing that - shes seen a behaviour change (feeling like he’s hiding her) and SM was one small part of it. I cant see anywhere that they gush over each other on social media?

My DH doesn’t really use it these days but he’s quite open about being fed up of ads or seeing political views (he’s got no issue with family photos being shared by me).

I guess OP has sensed something isn’t right and SM became her focus. I do think the original post wasn’t worded quite right and sadly the problems are most likely alot deeper than a facebook post.

It's a shame your getting a hard time kind of get where your coming from.

OP what social media sites do you mean? For example if you decided to post a nice photo to Facebook and tag him in the post, would he block it from appearing on his timeline/for his friends to see?

If he did stop anything you post and tag being seen, I'd probably be suspicious after that. Basically there's a way for you to take charge and test the situation. Good luck.

Really think it's a deep rooted thing, trying to see if he is happy for people to see good things of you two, or if there's certain people he wants to make sure are only ever getting his script,' if you know what I mean

”Use your time on something productive.”

No confusion.

Thank you for understanding. I’m sorry you went through this as well, and even more so that it concluded he was having an affair 💐

It’s just a niggle I have, which could be completely unfounded, but I’ve heard of other situations like yours and I guess I’m trying to protect myself in case this is what’s going on.

I’m not going to ask him again, but I will keep my wits about me

I would guess his irritability about it is that he feels nagged - is he irritable about everything you say? Can you talk about anything together calmly and really hearing each other? Sometimes people get into the head space where anything you say or do is taken as annoying and i wondered if he is there = if so, I would guess it is less about SM than about the general state of things.

As for stopping posting - I did too, almost overnight - just decided it was not helping my MH and I was coming away from it. Not hiding anything, just dont want to spend my time on something I was finding unhelpful and potentially toxic.

In my posts I have acknowledged and thanked people for their responses even if they don’t agree, because it’s not that I won’t see it from any other viewpoint, simply that I don’t agree with people being rude or unkind

If there doesn't seem to be anything else going on you should let the social media thing go.

Lots of people are posting less on social media. I post a few times (at most) a year now, really careful of if/how/to whom I share pictures of myself, my family, my child.

For me I got to the point where I thought, what is the reason I'm doing this? Yeah to connect with other people but I want to see people IRL, if all we have are 'likes' or animal means, well, for me thats not really a friendship and I don't necessarily want you feeling like you know me from just pictures I share. Also conscious that with a young family it's not my life I'm sharing, its my children, their privacy. Not that I never post about them but carefully, to select people. And I also don't like the comparison aspect of social...

Maybe these things are also considerations for your husband? A lot of people don't feel this way and want others to see their spouse has given them a valentines day balloon or whatever, is that more you? Not saying its bad but just people are different.