Pregnant after first time having sex with new partner

[quirkyfig]

I am pregnant for the first time in somewhat less than ideal circumstances. I am 41 and met a man from online dating a few months ago. I did a Clearblue test and it was showing as 3+ weeks. I also used a due date calculator based on when my LMP was and I'm 7 weeks pregnant according to that. We had sex for the first time in late February and I'm pretty sure that was when I conceived. The dates match up perfectly. There are a few things I want to clarify. When we had sex the first time, we both got carried away. I felt very attracted to him and he seemed to feel the same, which led to us having sex. Contraception wasn't on our minds at all. He didn't pressure me not to use a condom and I didn't pressure him. I also had problems conceiving in a previous relationship in my 30s. I didn't get pregnant once after actively trying for about 3 years in that relationship. Not that that is an excuse for not using contraception, but that is where I am currently.

I told him that I'm pregnant a few days ago, and so far he has been supportive about it. He said he is looking forward to being a parent. He is 34 and this will be his first child also. I don't know what the future holds though. I'm really happy to be pregnant but also quite anxious about the future. I am trying work out what the arrangement will be if we aren't in a relationship and not living together when the baby arrives. We were in the early stages of dating and getting to know each other, but not at the stage where you are actually in a relationship. I don't know if he will still be involved when the baby arrives. He has been saying the right things so far. I am wondering if there's anyone here who has been pregnant (or is currently pregnant) in a situation where they aren't actually in a relationship with the baby's father. I know it's a common situation but I also know it's stigmatised sometimes. I have friends who are pregnant (or have DCs already) and they are all in relationships with their DC's dads.

I am sure that the OP knows this.

It’s an even more important consideration when you'll
likely be a single parent through.

"Christ that’s horrible. Surely the OP understands about that sort of thing without you shoving it in?"

Well, considering she doesn't seem to understand about contraception she may well not.....

I have news for you, you're not immune to single parenthood either. You're one step away from finding your husbands colleagues knickers under your car seat, and the choice of staying together for the kids, miserably, or becoming a statistic that you feel is the scourge of society yourself.

There are plenty of women who thought they knew the father of their children and felt he had integrity, who then became a divorce statistic.

There are plenty of children who are made absolutely miserable by their home life, yes, but not all of them are mothered by intentionally single parents. The idea that a home with two parents is immume to miserable children is laughable but if it props you up then you stick with it.

I hate the saying ‘a baby is always a blessing’. I bet there are many children living lives that are anything but a blessing.

And those of saying this could be an horrendous shitshow are very aware other households including our own could change. But better to start with strong foundations and to at least aim to start with 2 adults who are up for being a parent and in a position to be a good parent.

A quick shag with no-one thinking about contraception with someone you don’t know is not a good foundation. The odds are already stacked against that child

If it's the child you're worried about rather than a moral assessment, I'm interested to know why you feel it would be different for a child's emotional wellbeing to be raised by a loving caring mother in a peaceful fun household knowing that they are loved and wanted from the day they were born, than in the same situation plus a male adult?

What's the difference?

OP could be a cracking mum. She makes no mention of her position precluding this, and has had problems conceiving previously during which years she will presumably have thought over the practicalities of motherhood.

Yes, ideally every child is set up and surrounded by several emotionally healthy well rounded adults, but in reality that just isn't the case and has nothing to do with marital status at the moment of conception. Life just isn't like that and blind judgement is helps nobody.

Happened to my best friend. As a couple they soon ran out of steam but are great friends and wonderful parents. Both met other people so their lovely boy has a great double family. All attended each others weddings and have done a big holiday together a few times. It is genuinely lovely. Proper shared care with tons of respect.

@canyouletthedogoutplease

Choosing to separate from you to husband is miles apart from getting pregnant by a man you don't know (not even a partner).

You don't know if he'll stay

If he does stay, will he cause issues and PR and contact?

Did he having genetic conditions that could make being a parent even harder?

Will be contribute financially? Because the basic pay on the CMS if about £30 per month. That's a massive gamble to assume a stranger will pay their way.

You don't even know his STD status at this point.

And all people know about op is that she's 41. It's funny because if she was 21, would there be all this gushing about every baby is a blessing?

@canyouletthedogoutplease every child has a right to know who their dad is. Some random who the mum doesn’t know, is not a great start.

I am involved with reviewing exclusions at schools. 90% of the ones I have reviewed involve a family where the dad is either absent or around but is shit and/or abusive. Mums maybe great but struggle with the situation they are in.

What’s done is done where the OP is concerned. But all the posters saying congratulations, how amazing for you, a child is always a blessing does not sit right with me.

I have seen many posts on MN where mums have regretted the choice of dad for their DC, and many children will be impacted by this.

Yes men (and women) can change but at least try and start in the right position. Doesn’t have to be married but the child to be will have this random man as their dad

But any of this could be relevent to a husband? It's a marriage certificate, not x ray vision or a truth serum.

My husband niece got pregnant to a man she had a one night stand with. As soon as he found out he was very attentive of her. They got together and had the baby. He is 14 now. Parents are still together.

@canyouletthedogoutplease I guess so, but you definitely wouldn't want a baby in those circumstances, or marriage for that matter

It's jus not ideal basically, but people are quite happy to pretend that it is, for no reason other than age imo

@Overtheatlantic Oh sush. Don't be utterly ridiculous. I wasn't 'shoving it in'. Some people genuinely don't realise that certain STDs can affect babies, so was only covering that. Nothing more.

Maybe you should have a go at the multitude of posters on here who have not been shy in their judgment of the unprotected sex part, unlike my post.

Cheeky! Knew there's would be someone XD

Sadly I have also been in this situation, although we used contraception and whilst not ideal I wouldn't change the outcome for the world, DD is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am not with her father but we try our best to get along for DD's sake, we're lucky in a way that we never had a relationship that could get acrimonious. We were never in love to fall out of love or all those heightened emotions that can make ongoing relationships difficult. He supports her financially (it isn't an awful lot and thankfully I am in a good financial position). He lives in a different country so doesn't see her in person that frequently but he does call a few times a week, which I facilitate.

The hardest bit so far has been when he's got in a relationship post DD and how they react to her being alive! Thankfully his current GF is really nice and is keen for my DD to be included in their "family"

If i were in your position I'd probably line myself up for going it alone, not rush into a relationship with the father and see how things work out along the line, you may well get lucky and things align and if not you have things in place financially to support you both.

Best of luck xx

Sadly, the nasty bullies on here would've made nastily worded assumptions if OP hadn't have gone into detail. That's Mumsnet for you!

@crumblingschools good to hear you don't bring your judgement into your professional life. Oh wait...

You assert that 90% of the children you support are be from disadvantaged backgrounds but that doesn't translate into 90% of children intentionally raised by women with no father present are being excluded from school. You know this surely?

It's absolutely possible for OP to raise a happy and healthy human and with your professional slant, you really should know that this is a wider issue than having a man present in the home.

How does this logic apply to children women who become mothers via sperm donor? Are they part of your 90% too?

Same here. Exactly the same here, even the part about presenting himself as the opposite and then flipping once pregnant.
I got pregnant within 3 weeks of meeting my DC's father, despite using contraception (implant).
He stuck around for 18 months then disappeared. Those were the hardest 18 months of my life and I have actually been diagnosed with PTSD as a result.
Do what your gut tells you but don't base keeping him around on ANY kind of obligation. If you still like each other - date him. Do NOT fast forward your relationship just because you're pregnant, trust me. It won’t work

@canyouletthedogoutplease of course I know that doesn’t translate into 90% of all single mums. I certainly don’t prejudice my review. But it is very telling what an impact having absent/shit dad can have. And statistics not just my experience back this up.

Also some posters on here have said similar circumstances have resulted in problems. My main issue on this thread are all the posters saying congratulations and what a blessing to the OP.

And as another poster said, if the poster had been a mum of a young daughter, and it was the daughter who was pregnant from some random the responses would likely be different, not so many congratulations for a start.

Most posters wouldn’t recommend bringing a random man into the life of a child you already have, but suddenly it seems wonderful to have a random man father a child.

Congratulations!! My first born was an unexpected pregnancy, and though we had been together a few years, it was still a lot to process. Whether you are with someone short term, long term, married etc I think in order to bring a child into this world comfortably you have to know that you can raise the child alone if you had to. Think through what that would entail, re. childcare, costs etc. If you are ready to do this, and you have a "just in case" backup plan to support yourself that would work, and you want this, then that is great. Good luck with whatever you choose x

I’m not here to encourage anyone, nor am I here to pass judgement. It’s not my business.

Or yours.

This IS amazing news for the OP, from what I can ascertain, so yeah whose business is it to judge? Perhaps they’ll make it work as a couple or co parent 🤷‍♀️ but huge congratulations OP 🥂 (non alcoholic)
I was in a VERY similar situation. Assumed I was infertile after years and years of not 1 bfp, met someone new, now have my DC and I wouldn’t change it for the world. If I didn’t get together with my DC father that would have been ok too… but we did get together and 6 years later well we’re still here! Together with our DC 😃 Anyone who judges us for that can F right off and you should adopt the same attitude whatever happens with the father, to echo what’s already been said it’s your life
Wishing you all the best for this exciting new chapter 🌺

This - the first bit. I had a baby at 34. I got pregnant by accident and he left but I had the most amazing daughter

Can we say that, according to the OP, the father is reacting well and seems responsible? We all agree that it is good for the child to have two parents and that they do not need to be in a loving relationship to be good parents. If a loving relationship develops, it will be marvellous but not essential. Many children have been born into relationships that have nothing to do with love, and many marriages are for absolutely the wrong reasons. What would be ideal in this world is for each parent to be well aware of its future role and of to be sure of his/her commitment towards the child.
When people marry, I am in favour of (broad content) prenuptial agreements, as they help the couple focus on their situation and future economic and financial possibilities ( choosing to be a SHP, building a pension, where to live, how significant the mortgage...)
I am even more in favour of pre-parenting agreements. Who does what, and who provides for what? Talking about it and writing it down is so, so helpful.
And if the worst comes to worst, this baby seems to have a great mum already. Not all children are so lucky, not even those who live in four-bedroomed houses.

If a woman posted on here that she was planning to abort a wanted pregnancy — and probably her last chance at motherhood — after years of infertility because of the fear of judgement as a single mother...

...and that being the only reason...

I would hope most of us would try and gently help her see a different point of view.

The internalised misogyny on this website beggars belief.

Wishing the OP the best of luck with her pregnancy