Pregnant after first time having sex with new partner

[quirkyfig]

I am pregnant for the first time in somewhat less than ideal circumstances. I am 41 and met a man from online dating a few months ago. I did a Clearblue test and it was showing as 3+ weeks. I also used a due date calculator based on when my LMP was and I'm 7 weeks pregnant according to that. We had sex for the first time in late February and I'm pretty sure that was when I conceived. The dates match up perfectly. There are a few things I want to clarify. When we had sex the first time, we both got carried away. I felt very attracted to him and he seemed to feel the same, which led to us having sex. Contraception wasn't on our minds at all. He didn't pressure me not to use a condom and I didn't pressure him. I also had problems conceiving in a previous relationship in my 30s. I didn't get pregnant once after actively trying for about 3 years in that relationship. Not that that is an excuse for not using contraception, but that is where I am currently.

I told him that I'm pregnant a few days ago, and so far he has been supportive about it. He said he is looking forward to being a parent. He is 34 and this will be his first child also. I don't know what the future holds though. I'm really happy to be pregnant but also quite anxious about the future. I am trying work out what the arrangement will be if we aren't in a relationship and not living together when the baby arrives. We were in the early stages of dating and getting to know each other, but not at the stage where you are actually in a relationship. I don't know if he will still be involved when the baby arrives. He has been saying the right things so far. I am wondering if there's anyone here who has been pregnant (or is currently pregnant) in a situation where they aren't actually in a relationship with the baby's father. I know it's a common situation but I also know it's stigmatised sometimes. I have friends who are pregnant (or have DCs already) and they are all in relationships with their DC's dads.

@Rubyrubyrubyrubee the difference between the 1950s and now, is that then it was all about the stigma of being an unmarried mum, nowadays the priority is much more about the child. This child was conceived by two people who didn’t know each other, were not planning to be parents. Not a great start. It might work out but the chances are dad to be will bugger off, and child will grow up not knowing dad and statistically be disadvantaged. Not sure congratulations is the right word

The OP has made it perfectly clear that she is aware it was a mistake not to use contraception. People like you banging on about it isn't going to change what's already happened.

Congratulations, OP! Plenty of people make this situation work, and whatever happens with your boyfriend, you have a beautiful baby on the way. Unexpected isn't the same as unwanted!

OP, my niece, 36yo, had a similar situation with her FWB. She decided to keep the baby and they co-parent him, with my niece doing the lion's share as the DC is still under 1. My niece had always wanted children but hadn't met the right guy. She's very, very happy but she does get a lot of support from my DB and SIL.

If you actually want a baby, maybe take it as a gift? Lots of relationships break down and while it's better to bring up DC in a stable, loving family there are many DC brought up by strong, single parents.

First off, it sounds like you're basically happy to be pregnant and planning to continue with it, so congratulations! A dear friend of mine got pregnant with new partner, not the first time but within a couple of months of dating. Both were surprised but happy so it just accelerated the relationship. Baby arrives very soon and they're planning to marry. I think it's a bit mad tbh (the quick marriage, not the baby) but I know she's wanted this for a long time.

I am trying work out what the arrangement will be if we aren't in a relationship and not living together when the baby arrives.

Stop trying to work it all out on your own and talk to the dad. If you can't talk to him properly about these arrangements then you have a good part of your answer. It doesn't need to be sorted out right away, and he might need time to get used to the idea, but it's fair to expect that he will share in these decisions and be ready to have useful conversations about it fairly soon. If he can't talk about the responsibilities of fatherhood he's unlikely to be able to carry out those responsibilities.

I wouldn't think about it like what will the arrangement be if we're not together but what will the arrangement be in any case? Keep the conversations more practical and about parenthood rather than about your relationship. Even if you're living in the same house it's useful to talk beforehand about who is responsible for which bits, whether either or both of you want to reduce / compress work hours, how you'll share costs etc. The baby needs to be cared for and paid for, the two of you will have to cover those needs between you, the decision about how to split the responsibility is, to some extent, independent of your romantic relationship. There are plenty of parents living in the same house as their kids who are f*ing useless and a good number of non resident parents who are actively involved, reliable, and fully committed to their kids.

Good luck!

Im genuinely flabbergasted at some of the replied on this thread ‘society is losing its morals’ ‘it’s very very wrong’ ‘having a child with less thought than having a dog’. 😲😲

Have i woken up in the 1940’s and not realised? Why on earth are we castigating a woman for ‘lack of self control’. It’s a horrible disgusting misogynistic thread and I hope all of you holier than thou posters have perfect home set ups with an engaged husband and father who does half the house work and child rearing. Because if not. Look at getting your own house in order before being an arsehole on the internet.

There are so many children brought into the world with married parents where the father is next to fucking useless. How many threads do we see on here a day relating to that very topic. Being married to your useless appendage does not make you a better person than the OP. What matters is a baby has people who love and care for it and show it kindness and affection. People who champion it and push it to achieve fantastic things. Not, two parents who live in the same house above all else. 🙄

This is almost exactly my situation, I couldn't conceive with my exH but fell pregnant straightaway with the rebound.....we split soon after I found out and I didn't think he'd stick around but he absolutely has and we have a brilliant co-parenting relationship. Our DD is our sole focus and we don't have any shared history that makes things awkward - it's actually so much easier (I can't imagine seeing my exH every other weekend, that would be awful). We had a wobbly start and there were solicitors involved, but time heals and we've found our groove. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago and he moved into my house to look after our DD while I was too unwell, and last week I went on a work trip and he came to stay and look after DD and my 3 dogs. We're great pals - but nothing more!

I would say if you want to go ahead with the pregnancy then do, but you have to be prepared to share your baby - and that means overnights etc. My DD went for her first overnight at his when she was 4 months old, although he'd had her for a full day in the weeks running up to it....I was still BF and sniffing her clothes to pump when she was away so eventually I had to stop when she was 6 months old. I wasn't happy about her going, but I knew it had to happen eventually so the sooner the better. He stayed with his parents the first few times he took her overnight so I knew she was being cared for properly and at the end of the day, we both love and adore her and he isn't going to bring her to any harm, and I've learned to trust him with her. Now she's 8 years old and loves her time with him, and it's really healthy for her to see us getting on and we always do a joint birthday and Christmas. (Maybe it helps that neither of us has met anyone else, but we make it as easy as possible) In the early days he relied on his parents a lot for help and support with her but as she's got older he is now very much in charge and they love their time together, he has taken her on holiday by himself a few times now which I encourage!

He does drive me mad sometimes, but who doesn't? He always pays maintenance on time, and he is always there for her - comes to every parents evening, brownie promise, first day of school etc....but he's very clear that apart from the occasional extra like last week, and school holidays he doesn't want her any more than every other weekend - but that's ok, I couldn't imagine her being away more than that anyway.

Also hormones make you crazy, so try and have someone you trust on your side to tell you when you're not acting rational - because I did a lot of things I regret (I didn't tell him when I was in labour, and just announced the arrival afterwards, and I registered her without him and then had to go through so many hoops to add him at a later date), and I wish someone had told me to behave!

All I can say is … congratulations!
probably will be a wonderful thing to have happened

It might all turn out to be roses and unicorns and it might not so I would suggest Op that you plan for the worst and decide how you will do this alone just in case reality hits the babys father and he decides he would rather not be a father. Of course he will be obligated to help support his child financially (assuming he works ect and doesnt go awol) but thats all.
I genuinely hope it all works out well, no moral judgement from me but I do agree an STD check might be in order

Congratulations and take no notice of the pearl clutchers.

@brightyellowflower* *"hardly ideal... society is losing its morals" it is definitely not a new thing for people to get carried away and a baby to be conceived by accident!! The main difference is that in the past either the couple would be rushed into marriage (regardless of whether this was likely to promote anyones happiness) or the father would disappear and deny all knowledge while the woman (and child) was shamed and shunned. Is that really better!? For the child, or anyone else in the situation? Imo anything that shifts our morals towards supporting parents (esp. mothers) and children is entirely a good thing.

@JasonTindallsTan children who are brought up with absent or useless dad statistically do worse in life.

@PeachBlossom1234 this is a lovely story, I'm glad it worked out well for you all.

hi OP, as a LP who got unexpectedly pregnant only a few months into a new relationship I would say tread very carefully with this new man and get to know him very slowly before making any big commitments like moving in together even if it seems like roses and sunbeams early on. It takes a good year to get to know someone well enough I think before you should even consider if he should go on the birth certificate. He could turn out to be abusive or have MH issues (as my child's father did - he flipped into a Jekyll Hyde type once I was pregnant - as a result raising a child with him on the scene has been remarkably difficult - at the beginning he presented himself as the polar opposite). So please remember you don't know this man until you really know him, so go slow! Especially with a child on the way. That said, good luck 🙂

This happened with my friend. She was late 20s at the time, just started to very casually date a new guy who was only just post-divorce and starting to date again. She found out she was pregnant 6 weeks after their first date and just as he found out he was being transferred across the country for work. 😳

He's a genuinely lovely guy though and was determined to support her and make it work. 15 years later, they have 2 dc now and are very happily married. Not to say it's always a fairy tale like that, but people do make it work.

My best friend fell pregnant really quickly... they've been married about 15 years now.
I was with my child's father about 2 years when I fell pregnant.. split up by the time I gave birth.

Plenty of people in between who would have had a baby while together and then broken up in the first few years.

You can make it work, whether together or not, if you want to.

Congratulations 🙌

love all the support you are getting on this thread. It’s sounds like, although a surprise, this a much wanted child. I haven’t been in your situation before, but I hope all works out well, and I’m sure it will 🌼

Society is losing it's morals? It's WRONG? Two grown adults doing The Sex, relax yourselves.

OP, every married mother is one small step away from being a single mother despite how superior they may feel, don't listen to it. There are plenty of posters here judging from their four bedroomed double garaged suburban moral perfection that are raising children in all sorts of crap marriages behind closed doors, but because it looks "right" it's ok. Nonsense. There are may different paths to motherhood and not one is more valid or worthy than another, ignore.

Set yourself up to do it alone, and if you maintain a good relationship with him and parent well together that's a bonus.

“There are plenty of posters here judging from their four bedroomed double garaged suburban moral perfection that are raising children in all sorts of crap marriages behind closed doors, but because it looks "right" it's ok.”

Married or not, bringing a child into the world on a whim with someone you don’t absolutely know and trust to have integrity and that wants to commit to family life is the problem, and the cause of much misery for the resulting children. And arguably society. But you just crack on with applauding it.

Of course it’s not horrible, it’s practical and sensible advice. If the OP has already had/booked one then she can disregard it, can’t she?

Congratulations, OP. I hope it all works out for you 🙂

Oh a lot of you need to bore off and stop derailing. There are plenty of children with two parents who are completely uninterested, or plenty of families where the mother is raising the children and also raising her husband. People are human and sometimes don’t make the choices they should in the spur of the moment.

OP I think you can only do what you think with the information you have. At the minute, you only have his word.
You know there could be a fair chance of you doing this on your own, but it is totally doable. Everyone is making a judgement based of the end of their own nose.

I do find it interesting that many posters on MN will refuse to let their children have sleepovers with friends because they don’t know the parents, are meticulous about choosing a nursery/childminder to ensure the safety of their child but think it’s a thing to be celebrated that a woman is having a child with a man she doesn’t know. That man will be linked to that child forever and linked to her for at least 18 years.

Happened to my sister. Baby’s dad was an absolute nightmare after the first 6 months and had completely walked away before he turned 2 (just after he was diagnosed as autistic). Think very carefully about this. My sister can’t work now due to his needs and her whole life has been turned upside down. She can’t leave him with anyone overnight and so has no real social life bar brunch with some other mums a few times a year. She loves him dearly but it’s extremely hard work.

Conceiving over 40 there’s a much higher chance a baby will have issues compared with earlier.

I hope you're not really a doctor, as this is patently untrue. And naive at best, stupid at worst.