WWYD - let go of a wonderful guy?

[Isitcoffeetime]

Been with DP for 3 years, he’s been living with me and my DD for 1.5 years.

He’s a lovely guy, very kind and treats me and my DD really well, I feel lucky to have met him. But there are some things which I’ve been thinking about lately which makes me wonder if we’re not right for each other:

• he lived at home with his parents until he was 36, his mum mollycoddled him. As a result he’s not very independent and he’s sometime naive in a childlike / teenager way. I’m the opposite to this, which makes me feel like I have more of the masculine energy in the relationship, it makes me feel like I’m his mum sometimes which is off putting.
• We have different priorities, he’s an easy going simple guy. Before he moved in with me his entire life was within a 1 mile radius, his parents home (where he lived), his work, his socialising with friends, his golf club, his football team- he was very content with this and his annual holiday abroad. Whereas I’ve moved abroad with work twice, I love travelling and always have the next adventure booked, I love seeing different cultures, going to different UK cities, I’m not much of a ‘home bird’, I like to have plans and things to look forward, whereas he’s just not bothered, but equally will go along with it all for my sake, which is kind of fine, but I want him to be doing it because he wants, whereas in reality he’d be happier back in the home town, going to the local spoons for an hour on a Saturday evening.
• We have different long term goals in life, I’m career driven and dream of early retirement and I’m doing everything I can to set myself up for that (paid off mortgage, good pension, no debt etc..) yet he is in a low income job, doesn’t own a property, doesn’t put much into a pension - while I’d like to retire late 50s and travel / move abroad or whatever, he won’t be in a position to do this. When I bring this up he thinks it’s a silly topic to get caught up on as we’re only 37/38 now.
• we bicker about small things a lot, the bickering doesn’t turn into big arguments or get in the way of us having a nice time together, but it can be draining and demonstrates that we fundamentally we have different points of view on a lot of topics.

What would you do? Keep this wonderful guy and accept that we’re different, I guess lots of couples have big differences? Or let him go so that both he and I can meet someone who we’re each more compatible with.

So not to drip feed, we don’t have any combined finances / assets that would cause a break up to get messy.

You’re very different, I’d end it. Or you’re going to end up having to fund him to do all the things you want to do.

What makes him ‘wonderful’? What you’ve described sounds like a dull, parochial, unambitious man who’s never lived independently and has no curiosity about the world.

You sound very different people. Sometimes that can work but I sense in this case he has given you the ick and you can’t get passed it. Let him go, lies too short if it’s not working-if you feel like this at this stage, what do you think you’re going to feel like in 20 years?

This ☝🏽 I donr know what makes you think he is "wonderful". Did he move straight from.his parents home to yours? Have no idea what is wonderful about what you describe, and what is attractive about him for you. I'm sure it would be great for someone but not you...

The thing is, is he only a wonderful guy when he is living this very simple basic, easy life supported by a woman? How does he respond to stress? He seems quite avoident if his conversation about your future is anything to go by. He hasn't had to learn anything, or strive for anything and has no drive to do so.

Does he pull his weight in the house? He doesn't sound like a proactive person who has lived independently so maybe I'm unfair in assuming he doesn't?

I think you need to have a conversation about your future and how you need more. His response may well tell you everything you need to know. Most people are not really capable of changing without shifting back to familiar patterns and if they do it's a slow slow process. He doesn't sound like he wants to change so the question to ask is, do you want to live with this for the rest of your life?

He doesn't sound wonderful to me. From what you've said I think other people are telling you he's wonderful and for some reason you think you have to agree.

For me, shared values are what supports a long-term relationship. You definitely don't have these so there will always be tension.

What will you do when you get to your early retirement age and he doesn’t have the funds to do the same as you? You’ll have been together a lot longer then. You’ll either have to sacrifice what you’ve worked hard for or fund him to come with you? Or leave him at that point which I’m guessing will be much harder. It doesn’t sounds like you’re compatible long term, sorry.

You are very different and l doubt you can change him as this is who he is. It's good that he is happy to go along with your lifestyle, but are you funding it just to have a companion along or does he pay his share and would this lack of adventurous spirit wear you down long term?
Also do you plan to have children together and and is he a good Dad to your DD? Lots of things to consider as there's much to be said for a genuinely nice, kind partner but on paper you really aren't compatible.

He’s a kind, nice guy to be around, very positive and loving, he’d go out of his way to help me with anything that I needed.

Maybe my standards are low lol, my ex was a bit of a shithead and never did these things and constantly put me down and gaslighting me so current DP seems ‘wonderful’ in comparison.

It sounds like you will end up resenting him in years to come as he will inevitably hold you back.

The childlike/naive things vs your masculine energy reminds me of my relationship with exDP. That dynamic totally killed off my attraction to him. I felt like I was forced into a role of mother/ constant decision maker/planner and I become very resentful. He was nice, affable etc and had led a very easy life. I don't miss him at all now. I got the ick and it was irreversible.

I always hate to see people with different interests or views on life described as "dull' or "unambitious", some of the most boring people I've met have done a ton of wild or exciting things, travelled the world etc, but you wouldn't to talk to them for more than half an hour.

Plus ambition can mean a number of things, and sometimes the ambition to be happy and treat others well, to forge positive long-term relationships with friends and family, to not chase money and value other things, are just as commendable as being career ambitious for example.

Having said that, I think it sounds like you're both just not that compatible, and that's no-ones fault. What I'd also say though is I know of a few relationships where each person is quite different in their outlooks on life, and you'd never put them together, but they have amazing marriages. So you never really know

My final thought would be, is that maybe there's a degree to which it's an example of how low the bar is for us men, his positive qualities you describe are really what both people in a relationship should be for each other, rather than exceptional qualities - I guess only you know if what he gives on a personal/emotional level, outweighs the other stuff.

I wouldn't settle with him. You'll likely enjoy the stability for a few years while DD is young but eventually the differences between your ideal lifestyle and his will become more apparent. You'll resent him for holding you back and he'll feel that he's been used as placemarker/ domestic partner while you were in the toughest years of parenthood only to be ditched when a real opportunity for freedom arises!

Let him go be a perfect partner/ dad to someone who wants the same cosy local family life as he does.

What you’ve described sounds like a dull, parochial, unambitious man who’s never lived independently

This, he's not wonderful (especially for you, because you're not like him).

And you've said yourself your bar is low because your ex was abusive to some extent.

You're far from alone, but it's a sad thing in life that women think non abusive men are wonderful ... Because the bar is abusive men.

This is very relevant too.

There's also a disparity in your financial circumstances that means you are/will be subbing him in life. That's not exactly attractive/respect inducing in a man either.

Look, the guy lived at home till he was 36, was ‘mollycoddled’, and then moved in with the OP who now feels she ‘mothers’ him, is ‘naive’, and ‘childlike’, has an entire life within a mile’s radius, would prefer to stay in his hometown and go to Wetherspoons on Saturday to any form of change or travel, has a low-income job he has no interest in changing, and no interest in other types of life. Plus he plays golf.

He’s a smalltown dullard who appears to be a combination of child and premature octagenarian. His only good point appears to be ‘not being actively abusive’.

So did you not know all this about him before you moved in together?

No, I didn’t realise the extent of his lack of independence until we were living together, things like - he put plastic containers in the oven (yes, this is plain stupid rather than lack of independence, but his defence was that he’d hardly used an oven before). When the internet stops working and he shouts to me ‘there’s no internet’ because he doesn’t know what to do with a router, when the electric goes off and he sits there for 3 hours doing nothing, instead of checking to see if it’s tripped (it had), he’s just a bit clueless with these things, but it’s because he never had to do them and of course I didn’t have much of an insight to this before he moved in. I kind of feel sorry for him in these situations because he’s embarrassed that he doesn’t know the right thing to do and I guess the longer he’s living with me he’ll learn, but in the meantime I feel like the ‘mum / adult’ in the relationship.

The small town thing was evident, but he was keen to go on holidays and travel when we first met, I just assumed he hasn’t had much opportunity previously, but it’s now clear that he’ll do these things for my sake, whereas his preference would be to stay local.

We talked about long term goals before he moved in, he said that he wanted to get a ‘better job’ and increase his earning potential, but he’s done nothing about this and when an opportunity came up for him to progress in his current job, he declined it as he didn’t want any extra responsibility, so it’s now clear to me that he was saying what he thought I wanted to hear rather than genuinely wanting to progress- I blame myself for not realising this, given that at 37 he was still doing the same job and at the same level as when he started working there at 22.

Does he do anything around the house op? He sounds very lazy tbh, surprising that he hadn’t helped out his parents at all when he lived at home and was presumably waited on hand and foot! He also sounds like he might be quite lacking in intelligence, whereas you sound like a capable and forward thinking person from your posts! I think maybe you should end this relationship as he doesn’t seem to add much to your life. You should decide what will add to your happiness and that of your DD.

I think maybe would have been better not to have him move in and just keep as a more casual thing, but sounds like you’ve been sensible enough not to entangle finances.

I couldn't put it better than this! You say he's wonderful but he sounds really boring!

He sounds like a perfectly nice man. But you don't sound happy. It's not really about him objectively as a person is it? It's about how the two of you interact and grow in the relationship and if you're not happy or don't see a happy future, then end it.

This. Just because he has different values and interests doesn’t make him dull. I dated an “adventurous type” and he was dull and shallow. I actually began resenting HIM as I wanted more downtime together.

this is just an incompatibility. Let him go so you both can find someone more compatible.

When you say "wonderful" do you just mean "safe"? What would be wonderful would be if he realised his cozy upbringing with mum had left him lacking in basic household skills and was making a real effort to learn independently (google/youtube etc). This is a bit pathetic to me to be honest, not the not knowing, but not trying to learn to be able to contribute to just looking after the house.

The other things are just differences in opinion which might result in incompatibility - it's not objectively wrong to be happy in a lower skilled job and a bit of a homebody.

I agree. 95% of our ancestors for the last several thousand years would have lived such a ,'dull parochial life'. I tend to find the most ambitious people are also the most mind-numbingly boring individuals.