WWYD - let go of a wonderful guy?

[Isitcoffeetime]

Been with DP for 3 years, he’s been living with me and my DD for 1.5 years.

He’s a lovely guy, very kind and treats me and my DD really well, I feel lucky to have met him. But there are some things which I’ve been thinking about lately which makes me wonder if we’re not right for each other:

• he lived at home with his parents until he was 36, his mum mollycoddled him. As a result he’s not very independent and he’s sometime naive in a childlike / teenager way. I’m the opposite to this, which makes me feel like I have more of the masculine energy in the relationship, it makes me feel like I’m his mum sometimes which is off putting.
• We have different priorities, he’s an easy going simple guy. Before he moved in with me his entire life was within a 1 mile radius, his parents home (where he lived), his work, his socialising with friends, his golf club, his football team- he was very content with this and his annual holiday abroad. Whereas I’ve moved abroad with work twice, I love travelling and always have the next adventure booked, I love seeing different cultures, going to different UK cities, I’m not much of a ‘home bird’, I like to have plans and things to look forward, whereas he’s just not bothered, but equally will go along with it all for my sake, which is kind of fine, but I want him to be doing it because he wants, whereas in reality he’d be happier back in the home town, going to the local spoons for an hour on a Saturday evening.
• We have different long term goals in life, I’m career driven and dream of early retirement and I’m doing everything I can to set myself up for that (paid off mortgage, good pension, no debt etc..) yet he is in a low income job, doesn’t own a property, doesn’t put much into a pension - while I’d like to retire late 50s and travel / move abroad or whatever, he won’t be in a position to do this. When I bring this up he thinks it’s a silly topic to get caught up on as we’re only 37/38 now.
• we bicker about small things a lot, the bickering doesn’t turn into big arguments or get in the way of us having a nice time together, but it can be draining and demonstrates that we fundamentally we have different points of view on a lot of topics.

What would you do? Keep this wonderful guy and accept that we’re different, I guess lots of couples have big differences? Or let him go so that both he and I can meet someone who we’re each more compatible with.

So not to drip feed, we don’t have any combined finances / assets that would cause a break up to get messy.

Agree with this!

Or let him go so that both he and I can meet someone who we’re each more compatible with

This doesn't get said in healthy relationships. If you're only partially compatible, you're not compatible. It's not a sliding scale. You're not happy because he meets some of your needs but not all of them. Let him go so that each of you can meet someone you are compatible with.

What long-term future can you see with him?

Both my best ff & myself chose (inadvertently) under achieving, undriven, home town boys. We recently spoke about this, why to God did we let this happen?
We have driven the bus, organised, carried through every single event, holiday, break down, or crisis.
We look ahead, do the admin. Create opportunities.
We needed movers & shakers, someone who could book a holiday, or decide where to go, or make an impetuous move.
Someone who had ideas, was interested in common events, well read, a good use of the English language, You know, Intelligent.
I am sick of having to carry him. Its like having a child, for ever.

Don't do this to yourself

I can relate to this.

I am with a man who is 'lovely,' I enjoy his company, he's very caring, he loves me alot, he's kind to me.. BUT i do find myself at a cross roads, wondering if he is really 'the one,' for me.
His life has improved massively since being with me. He's lacking in ambition and motivation. I find I have to organise alot of things. Financially, I am better off than he is. I was very contented until recently, when I've started to ask myself if he is really the person I want to spend my life with.
On one hand he is my 'best friend,' but on the other, I do ask, what is he really bringing to the table other than being 'nice.'
It's so difficult when you already live together and are in an established relationship, but ultimately, you have to think of yourself.
I would say, don't rush into a decision. Take your time. Sometimes thoughts and feelings can be mixed up for all sorts of reasons.

You haven't mentioned what's wonderful about him....

It's funny how you associate independence and being proactive with 'masculine' energy.

It's the stereotype, sure, but it's outdated.

Although conversely, men can be more homely and 'delicate', I don't think that's necessarly a deal-breaker.

The way you have described him makes him sound like a great DP, for someone else. There’s nothing wrong with not being ambitious or wanting to stay close to home, he just needs someone more like him. Likewise, you need someone more like you.

If you need more from a relationship, end it. He sounds like a man-child and I'd be eye rolling so much that I think I'd go back in time and witness my own birth. Personally, my one child is enough, and I wouldn't want to be another person's mother/life coach. But we're all different with different tolerance levels.

Out of interest, does he pay 'rent'? Does he pay his fair way with the bills?

If you stay together, don't marry him and don't have a child with him, and don't let him think he has any 'ownership' of your property.

I was once told I was too independent. His intent was to insult me. I think it's the best compliment I've ever received and I told him so and then divorced him.

I know someone like me this but a bit older. They are a relative of mine.

Lived in the same place their whole life, only ever move a mile or two within that same town.

Retired from the same job they got after leaving school, never promoted.

Been abroad once. Always went on holiday in the UK, eventually got a caravan.

Same friends long-term- still has friends from primary school, secondary school, their job. On good terms with all their neighbours.

They left home to live with the only partner they ever had, who did loads for them. They never learned to drive. Their social life was visit family once a week, be visited by family once a week, see friends once a week- alternating weeks between work friends and school friends.

They cared for their partner who was blind and unable to walk for the last two years of life, even though they were themselves elderly by that point. Did absolutely everything for them. They were both supported during that by a rock solid network of all the long term connections they both had. Neighbours and friends who would help out.

The partner recently died and they have received so much help and support during that time. They are also very well set financially, because although they never earned a lot, they only ever really spent money on their house. Their partner did earn a bit more, but not much and they bought a wreck together and did it up.

So there are benefits of being like that as a person, and with being with someone like that. Personally, I am very fond of them but find it easier to only be around them occasionally for short bursts as they are very set in their ways.

If it’s not for you, it’s not for you.

Thank you for the responses. It’s been useful to hear other perspectives and views, it’s certainly given me a lot to think about.

@lightsactionsleep he pays towards the utilities and food bills. I’d always keep finances separate, I’ve been burned in the past.

Someone asked about children, I don’t want any more children and I’ve always been very clear about that since before we got together, although he says that he’s fine with this, I think that really he would love one of his own. I’ve told him on several occasions that I don’t want to take away his opportunity of having a baby of his own, I’ve made it clear that if it’s something he wants then he needs to end the relationship so that he can pursue that.

Just not compatible.

Agree if you've got the ick you've got the ick.

Re: money etc, if he's on a low income but doesn't overspend and is frugal is there some way he can use his time to work on common goals?

Unfortunately retraining as a adult or getting more work focussed after a certain life stage can be quite a challenge (and often doesn't pay off).

If you bought an investment property would he help do it up like the person described by @KatPurrson ?

If you're doing a side hustle to save or earn money, will he help with the legwork?

If you lost your job and got sick tomorrow, would he step up to keep things going? How is he using the money he is saving through not paying rent?

Obviously everyone is differently wired up and some people naturally want to find a lifestyle situation where they are looked after (and will act up if asked to do extra,).

However, I do know some people are late bloomers/came into their own in terms of work and ambition after fairly inauspicious starts!

There are some fairly successful couples where one party basically is happy with the role as "trustworthy helper" and the other drives whatever it is that needs to be done.

although he says that he’s fine with this, I think that really he would love one of his own

That's interesting. Why don't you believe him?

It's one thing to be the primary earner
But someone who has no common sense? No way. Maybe his parents didn't raise him well, but he now needs be shown how to use an oven?

No way. Who can tolerate that, and more importantly, why would you bother?

he can't have a child - I don't know why you think he wants one....but he is a child in many ways.

Interestingly his DM has made comments suggesting that she’s the best parent ever because she did everything for her DC, I’ve sometimes taken it as digs at my parenting style. I agree with you though, I think that to be a ‘great parent’ and raise a child the correct way, you need to teach them how to be independent and have basic life skills.

I tolerate his child like ways because he has other good qualities, it’s definitely draining at times though and I wonder what I’m doing, hence my post here.

There’s been the odd comment, eg we were out for a meal with friends, a friend said to me “you have a food baby”, DP responded “I wish it was a real baby”. I asked him about it after and he said that it was a joke, but it didn’t feel like a joke at the time.

This is yet another man who is living rent free and where his girlfriend is acting as though she's his mother because he is absolutely incapable of acting like an adult.

How can you respect him?

@Isitcoffeetime "I tolerate his child like ways because he has other good qualities"

please don't fall into the idea that any man is a plus. Being alone is better. This way you have the responsibility of another child who will never grow up. He's 36!

Nice, positive and loving is not "wonderful", it's a baseline below which lies not fit for a healthy relationship. You've not found a life partner but an adult child.

Sounds a lot like my ex. He won't change. Does he pull his weight around the house?

If you were a man and this was 20 years ago, your DP would probably be viewed as a charming woman-child who just needs a bit of guidance, while you carry on as the main earner.

IME a lot of relationships now between 30-somethings are similar, with the female being the high earning, ambitious one.

it sounds like you really like him so the big question is do you fancy him and are you sexually satisfied? If yes, then I would say carry on and, with a few tweaks, you can probably make this work.

There are a lot of very successful and driven men out there who are completely incompetent at being family men, so make your decisions very carefully.

It's time to send him home to Mummy and Daddy.

One day he can meet a nice local girl with no ambition/s and will live happily near to his parents, and hopefully her parents too, and they can both look forward to / and enjoy their time in the local Wetherspoons on a Sat night.

You obviously like him, or you wouldn't be here in conversations with us. I suspect another point in his favour is that you are getting the right amount of sexual attention.
Can you turn the situation round and make it work for you more? Could he learn to take over the household chores, DIY. and 'parenting' of your child. I missed any comments about DD age. School runs etc. Appointments. You say they get on well.
Would he want to do that? Or will his Ma talk him out of it.

You concentrate on career and business.